敲响警钟! issue应该这样写!!!

逐梦天涯UID: 2287682

草同学~~   -,-!

iq28UID: 2152875

那....小草?.....
不水了...
我今天还有4篇aw没写....
现在在用同学的台式机上寄托看看
东西还没收拾~
发现笔记本键盘用惯了大键盘非常不习惯!!!
你顺便问问你mm西安考场的键盘键程有多长
希望短一点

逐梦天涯UID: 2287682

这个....考场也不让带尺子进去....大概跟一般键盘差不多吧...那你要赶快改过来啦嘿嘿

approachUID: 2101189

很好~
其实逻辑真的大于语言。

大家一起努力~:handshake

貌似都叫你草。恩。

lin~@~UID: 2228831

哪种都很难

逐梦天涯UID: 2287682

还是把11楼的那篇习作删了...免的误导人...有些人已经准备把它当成前车改了...

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

原帖由 逐梦天涯 于 2007-3-3 16:41 发表
其实也没有我说的那么好,但是3.5分实在说不过去,因为他考试写的东西下来没有重写,也不好判断具体原因.
首先声明,这篇文章不是什么反例,只是想让大家知道他的水平并不止3.5分,但为什么考试那么低,的确值得深究. ...

我认为这篇有跑题的嫌疑, 不知道你同学考试的时候的情况, 我就这篇文章给出我的分析.

社会类41"Such no mainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."

It is no wonder that a scientific professor also plays a role of churchman or preacher, a modern lady who is an atheist to believe horoscope, or a man who opposes superstitious theory might also turn to a psychic when his wife died.(这句的定位不明确, 于之后的那一句而言, 既没有在说非主流渐渐没以前那么受欢迎, 也很难说就是在说非主流受欢迎, 这些对比在这里显得没有什么意义, 即使能认为是在为非主流在社会中扮演角色来提供背景, 这句也不应该是论证的重点) Although in the contemporary world such no mainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, psychic and paranormal pursuits has becoming not as popular as thousands of years ago, they still play a vital role in society today by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science. (很明显, 这句应该是全文主题句: 非主流虽然没以前那么受欢迎了, 但通过满足人们的需求还是在社会中扮演着重要的角色--完全同意作者观点)

How to explain why a scientific professor also plays a role of churchman or preacher, an atheist also believes horoscope, and a man without religion turns to psychic sometimes is not such difficult. (问题1, BODY段首句不对应主题句, 却对背景进行解释, 至于它跟主题句的关系更是不明确) Noticing that religion, fortune-telling, astrology, psychic and paranormal pursuits are all no mainstream areas of inquiry that could satisfy people’s spiritual or psychological needs, these phenomena that appears to be inscrutable could be easily understood.(看起来这句更象主题句, 并且对应了主题句中唯一出现过的也是题目提到的对非主流科学社会角色的解释)  Considering scientific research is fundamentally based on essential objects or phenomenon and its characters are of strict, accurate, and precise, it is doomed to be insufficient in predicting the future without convincing proofs; however, no mainstream science can do what mainstream science cannot or is afraid to do. As the original purpose of mainstream science, no matter physics, biology, chemistry or even mathematics, is to explain the essential characters of existed objects or phenomenon or rather, rules of these things, it has to keep silent in some area, for instance, the unknown future. Comparatively, no mainstream areas can predict the future without any limited factors. [For example, to Bermuda, a mystery region in the Atlantic, and an unknown area that science cannot explain exactly, scientists could not explain why hundreds of planes and ships disappeared in this region more than suggesting there is probably a base of saucerman. Meanwhile wizards might assert the root of this numinous power is the deity. Surly the wizards’ theory is more easily to be accepted by majorities because theology has existed for thousands of years, however, a saucerman has never appeared really.]( because theology has existed for thousands of years = predict the future without any limited factors ? 逻辑论证上的对应混乱, 本来在说因为非主流能够不用证据就给出解释所以能做到主流不能做到的, 这里对例证的分析却偏离了这一点) According to this circumstance, mainstream’s essence decide that it cannot be more sufficient than no mainstream inquiry in such areas as predicting or explaining the uncertain stuff to satisfy people’s curiosity without any convincing evidence.(satisfy people's curiosity=play vital social roles? 这里的逻辑没有连接点, 可以说整个段落的论证与主题句都缺乏联系, 只证明了nonmainstream science satisfy people's need, 却没有证明nonmainstream science play a vital role, 如果用三段论的逻辑推论方法来分析, 那么其实这里题目的说法已经被作者作为一个事实前提拿来用于推论了, 即通过满足人们的需求可以在社会中扮演重要角色. 而另一方面, 这个需求重不重要, 有没有社会意义, 如何来满足都缺乏论证, 作者将太多的功夫花在了说明主流科学和非主流科学在回答人们的异同上, 而这只是逻辑推理数个步骤中的第一步, 离推理出中心论点还差了几步. 另外, 本段的论述跟本段第一句几乎没有任何关系.)

The other factor that limits mainstream science from being helpful is that it is not able to meet people’s particular psychological needs when calamities come.(通过这里的阅读我知道作者的意图似乎在于从"疑问到来时"和"灾难到来时"这样不同的角度来论述非主流科学的作用, 但这些需求与社会角色联系都不是直接的) It is human nature to look for somewhere to rely on spiritually when suffered from a calamity. Nevertheless, science could only tell the reason of calamity but not able to pacify the unfortunate people. [For example, a doctor could tell why persons die and also could try the best to save them but cannot cure the hurt in the death’s relatives heart, in contrast, a psychic could appease them by pretending to meet and talk with the death and sending some soothing words to the relatives. That is exactly why a man without religion might turn to psychic. Even if the man knows that’s unbelievable, he can get some comfort by doing this. Therefore these no mainstream inquiries could sometimes be useful in satisfying particular psychological needs of human beings. Similar examples take places in predicting the future. Many of us could not forget the “Century Prediction” during the late 1990s. Human beings need to set a figure that they could depend on when catastrophe occurs because of the scare due to ignorance of the unknown future, as a result many people chose to believe in augurs who spread canards about earth ruining and promised that the deity will save those who trust in their theory, rather than believe in scientists who could only speak weakly to convince people the coming century will be the same as contemporary century at the scientific position but are helpless in eliminate the scare.](长达几百字的例证, 但细看之下会觉得没有concrete sense, 来回在说病人不信主流信非主流是因为灾难到来时主流做不了什么而非主流可以, 而这一点--为什么非主流可以而主流不可以, 也是支持这一论点最关键的逻辑基础--却没有被深入论证) In a word, science cannot appease the spiritual helpless and panic while no mainstream inquiry can; from this facet no mainstream areas of inquiry are more helpful in satisfying some special needs of people.

On the other hand the no mainstream inquiry is developing along with the development of science and enhancing step by step so that it becomes easer to be accepted.(段落主题句态度不明确, 是好是坏? 是正是反? 是develop还是mask?) [Astrology, for example, absorbed the theory of many science subjects such as geography, meteorology, and astronomy and mixed them together, and then developed some supernatural predicts about fortune or destiny basing on these science subjects.](then? 例子说完就没分析了, 吸取这些元素以后又怎样欺骗大众?) Different from scientific suggestions, these scientific-masked deceptive predicts could cater more efficient to people’s curiosity because they give people an exactly assertion, regardless true or false, while scientific suggestions cannot.(重复第一段论点, 与本段关系不符) Science requires fact but no mainstream inquiry doesn’t have to, so the later one can mix more humanities to meet psychological and spiritual needs of human beings,(后面的论断"非主流可以吸收主流"倒是给了原因, 但这个因果联系并没有依托, 可以说还是在重复"非主流不用证据"的话") therefore science could not take the place of no mainstream inquiry in this facet, at least at current period.

To sum up, although lots of phenomenon has been explained by scientists, no mainstream areas of inquiry are still existed. Because nature is so spacious to human that it always provides something we are not able to explain exactly, and we can only attempt to explain in the long lasting history. We have to admit we are still ignorant to the nature. No mainstream inquiry, in fact, is a kind of native eager of human to explain the unknown. Despite that it has changed from mainstream to no mainstream nowadays, it won’t disappear until everything could be explained precisely in science. It still plays a vital role in current society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science.

总评:
红色部分是在例证使用上的问题, 也是我感觉为什么900多个字为什么拿不了高分的原因: 例证普遍没有说服力, 不能充分发挥作用, 与段落中心句的连接并不直接.
蓝色部分是我认为文章可能会得低分的原因, 逻辑关系不强, 论证没有说服力.

另外还有最严重的问题: 跑题.
从题目来看, 第一句话是在陈述: "非主流科学在社会中起着重要作用"
那么我们给态度, 无非两种:
"1, 起作用. 论证为什么说它起作用, 因为它满足了人们的这些需要, 它给人们心理安慰, 它娱乐大众, 它建设四化, 等等."
"2, 不起作用. 虽然有些人信但是遇到大事还是愿意信科学, 虽然信但是都是假的起不了用, 起的不是vital是fatal租用, 等等."
也就是说, 我们先要给出对于题目所叙述的事实的一个评价, 然后用论证支持这个评价.
而本文在同意题目的观点之后, 没有给评价直接开始说非主流起作用的原因, 至于起了什么作用则没有涉及, 对于第二句, 也就是题目给出的一个分析方向进行默认以后, 因为论证的不充分使之看起来也没有给出明确的支持.

换个角度来讲, 我们对于这道题的态度可以归纳为:
"1, 同意, 起vital作用, 非主流好."
"2, 不同意, 不起vital作用, 非主流不好."
而本文态度却很矛盾"同意, 起作用, 非主流又骗人又无事实根据的满足人们的好奇--到底好不好呢? 没说."
李笑来说过, 作文需要有个明确的态度来作为论证的指导, 可以同意, 可以不同意, 也可以"很明确的"有保留的同意, 而本文的态度却没有做到明确.

至于原因, 我想很多人写ISSUE写多以后就象高中学语文一样, 逐渐失去独立思考的能力了, 看见题目便从题目所提及的问题展开讨论, 却忽视了自己写文的目的, 特别遇到神经紧张的时候, 这种缺乏思考和提前在脑中组织思路的写作很容易导致论证方向不明甚至跑题, 我改过很多的作文, 甚至我自己的很多习作都犯了这样的毛病, 以至于最后看下来不知道在说什么, 就是"车轱辘话来回说".

之前imong有关pooh的作文主题句不明而被判低分的分析, 看来不止argument中, 在issue中也同样适用, 一个明确的主题句, 和全文对主题句的紧密支持, 是GRE作文的重要元素.

当然我这里也有马后炮事后诸葛的嫌疑, 分析难免受主观印象影响而出现错误, 欢迎大家共同探讨.

原帖由 逐梦天涯 于 2007-3-4 01:05 发表
还是把11楼的那篇习作删了...免的误导人...有些人已经准备把它当成前车改了...

呵呵, 这样不是很好么, 防止后来人再犯同样的错误

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-3-4 01:27 编辑 ]

iq28UID: 2152875

天哪..我刚改掉~~~
发现斑斑已经改完了~动作好快哈
幸亏自己的没发上来嘿嘿~
赶紧顶~~~


想想已经跟小草说了改了....还是厚着脸皮发上来吧||||||


社会类41"Such no mainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."


nm=no mainstream
m=mainstream

It is no wonder that a scientific professor also plays a role of churchman or preacher, a modern lady who is an atheist to believe horoscope, or a man who opposes superstitious theory might also turn to a psychic when his wife died. Although in the contemporary world such no mainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, psychic and paranormal pursuits has becoming not as popular as thousands of years ago, they still play a vital role in society today by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science. (我不知道前面举的三种人物用处是不是很大...但觉得后半句照抄题目的部分有点多~还不如简洁一点的说~)

How to explain why a scientific professor also plays a role of churchman or preacher, an atheist also believes horoscope, and a man without religion turns to psychic sometimes is not such difficult. (罗唆了...) Noticing that religion, fortune-telling, astrology, psychic and paranormal pursuits are all no mainstream areas of inquiry that could satisfy people’s spiritual or psychological needs, (ts其实就是这个...要说那么多么...) these phenomena that appears to be inscrutable could be easily understood. Considering scientific research is fundamentally based on essential objects or phenomenon and its characters are of strict, accurate, and precise, it is doomed to be insufficient in predicting the future without convincing proofs (你其实想说非主流能够做到主流能做到的~论证更应该把重点放在非主流上面~说主流说得太多了;而且你说了主流也只是说了他们不能预测未来~跟前面的满足人们心灵需求是不一样的~有点偏了) ; however, no mainstream science can do what mainstream science cannot or is afraid to do. (我晕..好不容易看到这里以为要说nm了,后面一大段居然又是science的...) As the original purpose of mainstream science, no matter physics, biology, chemistry or even mathematics, is to explain the essential characters of existed objects or phenomenon or rather, rules of these things, it has to keep silent in some area, for instance, the unknown future. Comparatively, no mainstream areas can predict the future without any limited factors. (前面三大段红字减成最多一段,说一下主流不能满足人类心灵需求,然后就可以出现紫色的论断再来下面的例子了) For example, to Bermuda, a mystery region in the Atlantic, and an unknown area that science cannot explain exactly, (前面这个定语从句对于说明主流无用完全就够了,后面一段红字根本就不用) scientists could not explain why hundreds of planes and ships disappeared in this region more than suggesting there is probably a base of saucerman. Meanwhile wizards might assert the root of this numinous power is the deity. Surly the wizards’ theory is more easily to be accepted by majorities because theology has existed for thousands of years, however, a saucerman has never appeared really. (与论证无关,建议直接删去.本例极其失败,几乎没有讲到为什么nm能够满足人们心灵需求) According to this circumstance, mainstream’s essence decide that it cannot be more sufficient than no mainstream inquiry in such areas as predicting or explaining the uncertain stuff to satisfy people’s curiosity without any convincing evidence. (小草...看到这里偶已经觉得你mm很危险了..都是beat around the bush....要么不停说到m,提到nm的时候就是简单重复一下论点....真正论证几乎木有)

The other factor that limits mainstream science from being helpful is that it is not able to meet people’s particular psychological needs when calamities come. (本段ts与上段重合了...上面说满足人们心灵需求~这一段又说在灾难时可以满足人们特殊的心里需求...应该包含在上面了吧...) It is human nature to look for somewhere to rely on spiritually when suffered from a calamity. Nevertheless, science could only tell the reason of calamity but not able to pacify the unfortunate people. For example, a doctor could tell why persons die and also could try the best to save them but cannot cure the hurt in the death’s relatives heart, in contrast, (不认为这个是对比的关系...你的开头是说了是灾难发生时人有心灵需求,而你例子之中又说了and also could try the best to save them 有点自己扇自己耳光,(m能够防治灾难(比如死人)的发生而nm不能,)至少是和主题无关的话,其实只要后面一句cannot cure the hurt in the death’s relatives heart就可以说明灾难发生时候m的不足了...最多能说明nm对m是一种补充~) a psychic could appease them by pretending to meet and talk with the death and sending some soothing words to the relatives. That is exactly why a man without religion might turn to psychic. (这句莫明其妙,删) Even if the man knows that’s unbelievable, he can get some comfort by doing this. Therefore these no mainstream inquiries could sometimes be useful in satisfying particular psychological needs of human beings. (ts的重复...) Similar examples take places in predicting the future. Many of us could not forget the “Century Prediction” during the late 1990s. Human beings need to set a figure that they could depend on when catastrophe occurs because of the scare due to ignorance of the unknown future, as a result many people chose to believe in augurs who spread canards about earth ruining and promised that the deity will save those who trust in their theory, rather than believe in scientists who could only speak weakly to convince people the coming century will be the same as contemporary century at the scientific position but are helpless in eliminate the scare. (灾难没来临吧...例子跟ts矛盾了...你把ts改成...likely to come吧...就算你ts改了你这么长红色的一段都只是在描述事实...没有分析) In a word, science cannot appease the spiritual helpless and panic while no mainstream inquiry can; from this facet no mainstream areas of inquiry are more helpful in satisfying some special needs of people.

On the other hand the no mainstream inquiry is developing along with the development of science and enhancing step by step so that it becomes easer to be accepted. (观念很诡异...看你下面怎么论证) Astrology, for example, absorbed the theory of many science subjects such as geography, meteorology, and astronomy and mixed them together, and then developed some supernatural predicts about fortune or destiny basing on these science subjects. (介绍发展史了...不知道后面有没有用...) Different from scientific suggestions, these scientific-masked deceptive predicts could cater more efficient to people’s curiosity because they give people an exactly assertion, regardless true or false, while scientific suggestions cannot. (这段倒是论证,不过首先和本段ts即一步步成长加强然后容易被接受无关;然后和上面发展史同样无关...sigh) Science requires fact but no mainstream inquiry doesn’t have to, so the later one can mix more humanities to meet psychological and spiritual needs of human beings (ts是因为一步一步发展所以nm容易被接受;中间论断是m需要明确证据而nm不需要;然后是nm可以搀合人性进去所以容易被接受~中间跟后面还能连起来~不过ts倒是一点都没有被论证到~除了那段发展史介绍提到了nm的发展~不过对于论证一点用处都没有), therefore science could not take the place of no mainstream inquiry in this facet, at least at current period.

To sum up, although lots of phenomenon has been explained by scientists, no mainstream areas of inquiry are still existed. Because nature is so spacious to human that it always provides something we are not able to explain exactly, and we can only attempt to explain in the long lasting history. We have to admit we are still ignorant to the nature. No mainstream inquiry, in fact, is a kind of native eager of human to explain the unknown. Despite that it has changed from mainstream to no mainstream nowadays, it won’t disappear until everything could be explained precisely in science. It still plays a vital role in current society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science.

小草...不怪我批你mm的文章狠吧~~~
真的基本没有什么论证...都是beat around the bush.....
第一个body基本无论证...只是说到了大量的m的事实~无分析
第二个body的ts可以包含在第一个中了~然后下面内容也是陈述事实和观念居多没有太多论证
第三个body就更混乱了....后面和前面不着边际...
而且...觉得语言也不是很强....
虽然觉得打了这么多字还是3分的话确实有点不爽~
但这篇文章真的除了长没什么优点了...
sigh 小草啊小草..

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-3-4 04:31 编辑 ]

逐梦天涯UID: 2287682

版主分析得十分透彻,qq评论的也很深刻,惭愧啊...自己mm的作文自己都没有认真看过,老是觉得不认识的词太多了就有点盲目崇拜...哎谁让自己单词量少得可怜...背表明现象迷惑勒...多谢指点!

逐梦天涯UID: 2287682

至于原因, 我想很多人写ISSUE写多以后就象高中学语文一样, 逐渐失去独立思考的能力了, 看见题目便从题目所提及的问题展开讨论, 却忽视了自己写文的目的, 特别遇到神经紧张的时候, 这种缺乏思考和提前在脑中组织思路的写作很容易导致论证方向不明甚至跑题, 我改过很多的作文, 甚至我自己的很多习作都犯了这样的毛病, 以至于最后看下来不知道在说什么, 就是"车轱辘话来回说".

太精辟勒,一语道破天机!我的n多作文也是这样.
除此以外,我的作文也常常犯qq说的"beat around the bush"的问题,没有实质的论证,总是"一大堆事例"+"一两句说明"的模式,没有脚踏实地的分析,以后要严重注意勒!!

逐梦天涯UID: 2287682

小草...不怪我批你mm的文章狠吧~~~
真的基本没有什么论证...都是beat around the bush.....
第一个body基本无论证...只是说到了大量的m的事实~无分析
第二个body的ts可以包含在第一个中了~然后下面内容也是陈述事实和观念居多没有太多论证
第三个body就更混乱了....后面和前面不着边际...
而且...觉得语言也不是很强....
虽然觉得打了这么多字还是3分的话确实有点不爽~
但这篇文章真的除了长没什么优点了...
sigh 小草啊小草..

米事...谢谢qq这么真诚地指出我mm地错误,不然我还活在那种对"长篇"地盲目崇拜中...

大家都引以为戒吧,教训啊!!!

zyy212UID: 2253540

教训教训!!
学到不少东西
俺是新来的,也希望能得到大家的批评呢
希望会有人去看我发的那篇小文,更欢迎这个大大虾们给指点指点啊
无限感谢中!!!https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=620818&extra=page%3D1

[ 本帖最后由 zyy212 于 2007-3-5 10:00 编辑 ]

逐梦天涯UID: 2287682

斗胆贴一篇自己的issue,主要说明一下论证和TS的问题.

很明显,原文body的第一段TS The wild areas are essential to these highly developed countries like Japan and America.显然只指出了wildness的重要性,并没有点出shold preserve,不切题.而改成The wild areas, which are essential to these highly developed countries like Japan and America, should be preserved. 就好多了.

同样body2根本就没有TS,修改后加上了.

而且body2,3的论证有点飘忽,没有准确的表达出提纲的意思,改正了一下.

欢迎版版和各位大虾前来指点.

TOPIC: ISSUE83 - "Government should preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state, even though these areas are often extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people."

qq改的,贴上来没颜色....未修改的原文和有颜色的修改版参见https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=620247&extra=page%3D1

提纲:
1.       提出论点:反对.
2.       wildness areas对发达国家十分重要,应该得到保存.
3.       对发展中国家来说,wildness areas应该更倾向被开发利用.
4.       然而,过度的开放利用也是不对的
5.       总结
实际上,改之前的文章并没有清晰的表达出3,4点的论证.

When facing the issue whether the government should preserve the wild area or use it for the economic construction, (完了...为什么非要一上来就把自己陷在一个false dilemma里面呢...题目没有说到不保护就是要用作经济利用) we always feel hard to choose. Yet I insist that these areas should be protected and left in their natural state. (除非你下面要讨论怎么去保护荒原,否则没有必要说到这一点)

The wild areas, which are essential to these highly developed countries like Japan and America, should be preserved. The first reason is the needs of people. In generally, people of these countries, who possess a relatively perfect welfare and education system and live in a good condition, will absolutely(可能是我最近argu看多了...你这里最好说得委婉一点吧...过渡一下,说他们有更高追求,然后生态是更高追求中必不可少的一个环节) more concern with the ecological environment of the earth around themselves, which is closely connected to the wildness area. Besides, though satisfied with the substantial world, most of these people also aspire after a further spiritual live, which can be provided by the place like national park and even unnamed wild areas far from those noisy big cities inducing tensity and depression. Thereby, the people want to preserve the wildness areas. If the first reason is the subjective willing of citizens, the second reason is the objective advantages benefiting from the wildness area. Firstly, the forest that generally exists in the wildness regions, always apart from the human civilization, is proved to be the conditional of global climate. With the process of breathing, the green leaves absorb carbon dioxide and give out oxygen,(机理不必累述) which can eliminates the greenhouse effect and supplements the oxygen. Secondly, all the grand maintains, quiet streams, and the hot desert are the natural treasures of the whole human beings, which lend a good place for traveling, which can also(不要also了,应该是对于上面的therefore) bring considerable income for the country who owns them. Secondly, (应该是第三了..) despite that the nature is capable to recover by itself, the microorganisms, plants, and animals, in fact, are sensitive to the damage brought by the exploitation. If any of those is destroyed by man-make effect, the species diversity will be influenced in the end. According to the two reasons presents above, I come to the conclusion that the wildness area plays a significant role in the society of developed countries and deserve being preserved. (应为应用了分层的结构,所以看起来相当清楚,不错!!论证也没有beat around the bush)

When the issue comes to the developing countries, whose people is struggling against the famine, and diseases like Aids and cholera, I have to concede that the situation of these wilderness lands will not be better currently. These counties like Nigeria and Congo, bothered by the endless wars derive from hatred between different races, seems has no need and also no ability to preserve and guard the ground plain with uncountable wild animals. In other words, it seems that protecting the wildness religions is not the primary problem to these countries. (太短了...是限时的么?其实如果是已经知道时间不够了,红字部分的country的悲惨情况就不要累述了,一句话带过,转说政府是要首先保证生存,环境是长远问题,不容考虑,应该这么少的字数也能讲得比较清楚~虽然会比较浅薄)
However, it is not the case at all.(天哪...你这里既然要转折~上面那段就表把话说得太绝啦...) Even if the construction of laws, democracy politics and improving economics is the chiefly job of these developing countries, the wildness religion(晕...拼错了吧...嘿嘿) also can not be taken up excessively by the extending city boundary/border/confine and industries. (明白了.上一段说没法保护,这一段说也不能破坏太多~~这个思路可以~~但因为题目中间并没有说到不保护就必然破坏~所以你这里开头段落不要简简单单说not the case,让步一下引出不能过度破坏的观念吧~) Let us have a look at the rainforests along Amazon River; millions of trees are cut down every year for the wood and papers, which has widely influenced the global climate. The countries along the Amazon River apparently neglect that they are not alone on the earth, the wildness area of their counties, actually, not only belong to one country but belong to all the human beings, any unilateral action rendering the wildness religion destroyed is irresponsible and stupid. (sigh...晚节不保啊~最后终于开始beat around the bush了.例子首先说了亚马逊被破坏,然后说纸的问题,然后大量篇幅强调亚马逊不仅仅属于地区而是属于整个地球,所以一旦破坏了就对整个地球有影响....再去回头看看你的ts..是说不应该过度破坏环境~你的例子的后半部分对于ts有支持~但是还是有偏离的,不是应该强调穷国家是能够只为了自己国家的经济发展而破坏全球环境)

In summary, not only the developed countries but also the developing countries should preserve the wildness area in their natural state.

比较清晰~虽然论证的框架不是那种特别高级的~就是最后一个body有点偏,开头第二个body字数少了一点不错加油哈我觉得至少应该4分....



TOPIC: ISSUE83 - "Government should preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state, even though these areas are often extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people."
提纲:
1.       提出论点:反对.
2.       wildness areas对发达国家十分重要,应该得到保存.
3.       对发展中国家来说,wildness areas应该更倾向被开发利用.
4.       然而,过度的开放利用也是不对的
5.       总结
修改后的文章对于3,4的论证比较清晰,并且每一段都有立场坚定的TS,感觉比较满意.
When facing the dilemma whether the government should preserve the wild area, we always feel hard to choose. Yet I insist that these areas should be protected and left in their natural state.

The wild areas are essential to these highly developed countries like Japan and America. The first reason is the needs of people. In generally, people of these countries, who possess a relatively perfect welfare and education system and live in a good condition, will then engage themselves into a pursuit of a further spiritual aim. This aim conclude concerning with the ecological environment of the earth around themselves, which is closely connected to the wildness area. Besides, though satisfied with the substantial world, most of these people also aspire after a further spiritual live, which can be provided by the place like national park and even unnamed wild areas far from those noisy big cities inducing tensity and depression. Thereby, the people want to preserve the wildness areas. If the first reason is the subjective willing of citizens, the second reason is the objective advantages benefiting from the wildness area. Firstly, the forest that generally exists in the wildness regions, always apart from the human civilization, is proved to be the conditional of global climate. With the process of breathing, the green leaves absorb carbon dioxide and give out oxygen, which can eliminates the greenhouse effect and supplements the oxygen. Secondly, all the grand maintains, quiet streams, and the hot desert are the natural treasures of the whole human beings, which lend a good place for traveling, which can therefore bring considerable income for the country who owns them. Thirdly, despite that the nature is capable to recover by itself, the microorganisms, plants, and animals, in fact, are sensitive to the damage brought by the exploitation. If any of those is destroyed by man-make effect, the species diversity will be influenced in the end. According to the two reasons presents above, I come to the conclusion that the wildness area plays a significant role in the society of developed countries and deserve being preserved.

When the issue comes to the developing countries, whose people are struggling against the famine, and diseases like Aids and cholera, I have to concede that the wildness areas should tend to be utilized than to be preserved. First, these counties like Nigeria and Congo, bothered by the endless wars derive from hatred between different races, seem have no enough financing and labors to preserve and guard the ground plain with uncountable wild animals. In other words, it seems that protecting the wildness regions is not the primary problem to these countries. Secondly, to guarantee the safety and basic living condition for their people, the proper exploitation to the wildness areas is justifiable, because human’s lives will always be in the first place. What’s more, it is unimaginable that people suffering hungry will respect the nature, to earn their live; they can even hunt the most precious animals for a litter money. Thus, the undeveloped counties have no ability to protect the wildness area and have to sacrifice part of those for the country construction.

However, even if the construction of laws, democracy politics and improving economics is the chiefly job of these developing countries, the wildness region also can not be taken up excessively by the extending city boundary/border/confine and industries. Let us have a look at the rainforests along Amazon River; millions of trees are cut down legally and illegally every year for the wood and papers by the countries along the big river, which has widely influenced the global climate. These undeveloped countries along the Amazon River apparently merely concentrate on the immediate interests to some extent but somehow neglect the serious disadvantage that their irresponsible behavior brings. The wildness area of their counties, actually, related to the global living condition, not only belong to one country but belong to all the human beings, and any unilateral action rendering the wildness religion destroyed will result in a embarrass situation like a man-made ice age (in this case may be the hot age) that humans have to face in the future.

In summary, not only the developed countries but also the developing countries should preserve the wildness area in their natural state.

knightleedcUID: 2309036

先不说逻辑，
这:confused: 篇语言不成么？

expire7UID: 2160574

好帖子:mad