argument200 一拍即回

zjx021UID：2279365

TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 426          TIME: 0:28:42          DATE: 2007-3-26

The recommendation dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients is logically flawed. I will present my reasons in the following details.

To begin with, the statistics collected from dentists may not represent the overall dentists. It is possible these dentists have much more male patients than the female. For example, if the number of male patients is 300 and 80 fainted, while they have only 100 female patients and 20 fainted, the women who fainted have relative more proportion than the men, which will weak the statistical credibility.

Moreover, even if the statistics is credible, it does not necessarily mean that men are easier distressed about having dental work than women. First, commonsense tells us that the younger, stronger, with few other diseases the patients, the less possibility they fainted. The author provides little information about the patients. Perhaps these male patients are old, poor healthy, and having circular problems like heart-attack, which make them likely faint in the surgeon. Second, different degree of the disease may have the different possibility to faint. For an instance, those who need surgeon and may bleed blood are more probable to faint than those who just need to take some pills. Perhaps those women just do some dent-protect. Without considering and ruling out these possibilities, the author can not convince me that the difference sensitivity of stress between men and women.

Finally, granted that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are, the proposal suggested by the author is open to question. The author overlooks the women patients. If the women patients have a large rate in the consumers, dentists may have a risk of losing considerable market. What's more, there are other factors which influence the amount of the consumer. Such factors may include the service of the institute, the technique of the dentists, and the price and so forth. If the institutes have bad service, poor technique and relatively higher price, even if how wonderful and attracting their advertise is, it is still possible that they have few consumers.  In short, before the suggestion, the author should consider more to meet the consumers' needs.

To sum up, the argument is not persuasive. To give an accurate suggestion, the author should provide more information about the patients and consider much broader about the reason causing the patients faintness as well as the consumers other needs when visit dentists.

zjx021UID：2279365

UP

zjx021UID：2279365

别沉了

zjx021UID：2279365

太快了吧

iq28UID：2152875

The recommendation dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients is logically flawed. (单独开一句话说吧.这句话太长了) I will present my reasons in the following details.

To begin with, the statistics collected from dentists may not represent the overall dentists. (模版套错了.下面不是样本不足的错误.少用模版) It is possible these dentists have much more male patients than the female. For example, if the number of male patients is 300 and 80 fainted, while they have only 100 female patients and 20 fainted, the women who fainted have relative more proportion than the men, which will weak the statistical credibility. (写的中规中矩.不过仅仅攻击这个数量问题写一段似乎单薄了.这个问题很难展开很多的,不如把它跟别的错误放在一段说)

Moreover, even if the statistics is credible, it does not necessarily mean that men are easier distressed about having dental work than women. First, commonsense tells us that the younger, stronger, with few other diseases the patients, (语病) the less possibility they fainted. The author provides little information about the patients. (是对于材料中没有涉及到内容的攻击.这个点找得不是很好.材料中有很多别的可以攻击的更重要的错误) Perhaps these male patients are old, poor healthy, and having circular problems like heart-attack, which make them likely faint in the surgeon. Second, different degree of the disease may have the different possibility to faint. (这个点比上面一个找得好一点.有了这个题目本身的特点) For an instance, those who need surgeon and (去掉) may bleed blood (bleed就可以了,还要用blood干吗) are more probable to faint than those who just need to take some pills. Perhaps those women just do some dent-protect. (和上一个例子之间没有过渡词) Without considering and ruling out these possibilities, the author can not convince me that the difference sensitivity of stress between men and women. (段内的攻击还不是很充实)

Finally, granted that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are, the proposal suggested by the author is open to question. The author overlooks the women patients. (很弱的理由,至少是应该放在后面的次要理由) If the women patients have a large rate in the consumers, dentists may have a risk of losing considerable market. What's more, there are other factors which influence the amount of the consumer. (这个应该是重点攻击的错误) Such factors may include the service of the institute, the technique of the dentists, and the price and so forth. If the institutes have bad service, poor technique and relatively higher price, even if how wonderful and attracting their advertise is, it is still possible that they have few consumers. (不错) In short, before the suggestion, the author should consider more to meet the consumers' needs.

To sum up, the argument is not persuasive. To give an accurate suggestion, the author should provide more information about the patients and consider much broader about the reason causing the patients faintness as well as the consumers other needs when visit dentists.

框架跟内部论证都已经有样子了
不错
不过觉得错误找得不是很好
尤其是第二段
我觉得很大的攻击点是就算昏厥的男人多也不代表他们容易紧张
除了数据原因 也许女人也紧张只不过她们不用昏厥这种表现形式,比如尖叫
总而言之就是昏厥不等于紧张
我觉得这个是一个很大的错误
你的第二个段落的第二点可以和第一个段落合并起来
然后第二个段落攻击昏厥不等于紧张
个人觉得这么写会更好
加油

zjx021UID：2279365

谢谢,斑斑,今天下完课回来好好改改

zjx021UID：2279365

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-636386-1-1.html
修改后的帖子,这样子方便斑竹查看