issue89 oceanus4月作文小组4月1日作业

oceanusUID：2283238

TOPIC: ISSUE89 - "Leaders are created primarily by the demands that are placed upon them."
WORDS: 399          TIME: 0:45:00          DATE: 2007-4-1

During the life of a person, there are a lot of factors which can affect his life, such as his parents, friends, teachers, what he experiences, the demands that are placed upon them and the gene. We can divide the factors into two categories: the inner factors and the outer factors. In the point of my view, these two categories affect one's life and decide whether he can become a leader.

To begin with, the gene is the fist important factor to affect one's life.  In recent years, we have discovery that the gene decide a lot about one's stature, character, intelligence, and so on. To some extent, these important factors decide one's life. Fist, different characters can lead to different lives. The extravert always has a good friendship with those around them, but the introverted man is poor in communicating with others; they always do not like to speak with others and are not good at express. Secondly, one's intelligence is also very important for one. It represents one's ability to study. Fortunately, most people have a similar normal intelligence. In short, these two factors and other factors are the basis of one's life.

What's more, though the inner factors are very important, the real factors which decide one's life are the outer factors. In the world, there are many people with the similar stature, character and intelligence, but why these people have the different lives? The answer is that they have the different circumstance: different experience, difference friends, different teachers, different parents and different demands that are placed upon them. Because of different parents and teachers, they will have different knowledge and ability. Because the demands that are placed upon them are different, the requirements that are placed upon them by themselves are different, so they will do the different things at the same time, and the things they gain from what they did is very different from each other. Furthermore, every one has an introverted character, the circumstance that around him can also change him to a extravert because of the outer factors.

Finally, both the inner factors and the outer factors are very important in one's life. They both decide one's life and whether one can become a leader. The inner factors are the basis for one's life, and the outer factors change and develop a man from the basis. They are all very important.

songxjtuUID：2253904

During the life of a person, there are a lot of factors which can affect his life, such as his parents, friends, teachers, what he experiences, the demands that are placed upon them and the gene. We can divide the factors into two categories: the inner factors and the outer factors. In the point of my view, these two categories affect one's life and decide whether he can become a leader.开篇指出决定成为领导者的两个因素 但下文主要强调外在的 所以在第一段要有所体现

To begin with, the gene is the fist important factor to affect one's life.既然开篇已分成了两点 那么这个开头应总的说内在因素 然后再分几个小的展开  In recent years, we have discovery that the gene decides a lot about one's stature, character, intelligence, and so on. To some extent, these important factors decide one's life. Fist, different characters can lead to different lives. The extravert one always has a good friendship with those around them, but the introverted man is poor in communicating with others; they（指代不清） always do not like to speak with others and are not good at expressing. Secondly, one's intelligence is also very important for(to) one. It represents one's ability to study. Fortunately, most people have a similar normal intelligence. In short, these two factors and other factors are the basis of one's life.

What's more, though the inner factors are very important, the real（可见强调的是内在因素） factors which decide one's life are the outer factors. In the world, there are many people with the similar stature, character and intelligence, but why do these people have the different lives? The answer is that they have the different circumstance: different experience, difference friends, different teachers, different parents and different demands that are placed upon them. Because of different parents and teachers, they will have different knowledge and ability. Because the demands that are placed upon them are different, the requirements that are placed upon them by themselves are different, so they will do the different things at the same time, and the things they gain from what they did is very different from each other. Furthermore, every one has an introverted character, （?）the circumstance that around him can also change him to a extravert because of the outer factors.（两个谓语）

Finally, both the inner factors and the outer factors are very important in one's life. They both decide one's life and whether one can become a leader. The inner factors are the basis for one's life, and the outer factors change and develop a man from the basis. They are all very important.(这应该是结论段吧 但关联词用的不好 包括上面两段)

总的来说 结构不是很好 也没有太深入的考虑 可能与限时有关？
既然强调内在因素 那就应该在开始和结尾有所体现 并且应该更深入分析一下 第三段的分析的确很有道理 但要注意一下语言 稍有单调（统计了一下这一段用了9个 different 一共52个词 呵呵 我也一样 在这一方面都要加强了）
以上仅代表个人看法 还请指正 加油

oceanusUID：2283238

我的i很烂，真的很烂，希望这一周能提高一些。