【8月24日】大小作文各一篇，拍拍拍！

forbeckUID: 2297645

This bar chart shows the total number of prisoners in five countries from 1930 to 1980.As can be seen from this table, among the five countries, the figure of Great Britain was least in most years, it raised gradually from nearly 30,000 in 1930 to more than 80,000 in 1980. The number of Australia was approximately 70thousands at beginning, the lowest point occurred in 1940, which was less than 50,000, then, increased to nearly 80,000 in 1970, (这里要是加上一个连接词，应该读着会更顺些，比如following)a sharply decreasing occurred in 1980, which was only half million(half a million,要不就要在两个词中加连接符号). The number of New Zealand was higher compared to its Oceanian neighbor, decreased sharply（重复了，换一个吧）by nearly 50 per cent from a million in 1930 to less than 60 thousands in 1940, and then rised rapidly to about 80 thousands in 1970, followed with a sudden fall in 1980. There was a fluctuate（这是动词，改成fluctuation） but steady downward tendency of the number in Canada, decreasing from almost 120,000 to about 100,000. The prisoners in United States increased rapidly from 100,000 to 140,000 during this period.(美国的变化应该不只是这样一句就能描述完的吧？变化挺大的) (Words:173)

to 楼上，有的变化都让我改过来了，要不昨天那个地址好长~~

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-25 08:23 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

The social statues of women have been(应该是被动的吧？) promoted significantly in the past decades(加个复数吧，应该不止10年) . Thus somebody argues that a lot of problems young children now experience, such as juvenile delinquency should owe to deficiency of time for married women in caring for their children. In my opinion, this claim falls to an error that simplify the problem.

The right to receiving good education, possessing medical security as well as engaging in high level job position are all parts of social statues which raised undoubtedly in recent years. Not only as secretary and clerk, but also as manager and administrator that women begin to engage in government and company. Take the secretary of United States, Rice for example, who had studied in University of Denver and now is one of the most powerful persons in the world.（这样的例子都找得到，强！）

It is admittedly that due to hard work, for women only be a housewives（这个好矛盾啊！人格分裂吗:confused: ;d: ） is impossible and consequently conduce the lacking of time to take care of their children. However, this is just a indirect reason of the rising in crime rate for young people. It seems to me that the main causes are influences of whole society, such as frequently occurrences of violent and pornographic scenes in TV operas and movies, together with immaturity of juvenile mind, lead young people to a road of crime.

Whenever facing problems, the proper measure is making an intensive analysis rather than simplifying? the problems. Over this matter of juvenile delinquency, government should adopt series steps such as establish strict measures to cut down the amount of violent programs instead of(这个词除了替代还有什么意思吗？) positive education. As parents, in addition to working hardly, it is necessary for married women to pay more attention to their children.(Words:287)
1、中间的论证严密。
2、我觉得在文章里，你表达的观点，概念有点被偷换了，你本想反对这个观点，也能从字里行间看得出这种想法，但是，重要的是你把观点换成了你能为看问题不能如此简单这样的哲学问题。这只是我的个人观点。

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-25 08:49 编辑 ]

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

呵呵，谢谢forbeck!
真是不辞辛苦啊:loveliness: