【Task2优秀习作收集讨论贴】

futuremanUID: 2327059

HK，牛儿，你们看过了直接在这里跟贴就行，决定是不是要作为优秀习作收集起来啊:loveliness:

H-KevinUID: 2182070

第一篇

我的感觉：
1。文章比较流畅，简单句和复杂句混合使用也很好
2。没有扣住"particular situation",但是文章的结构还是比较清楚的
3。最后一段不好，用词不当，意思比较混淆

我的建议：可以收录，但是重点是学习句子和行文结构

What are the advantages and/or disadvantages brought to your particular situation by computers?
Give reasons for your answer.
It is known that computers, one of the greatest inventions in the human being’s history, are widely used in every walks of life. It seems that most people simply witness the pros of computers. Is it really perfect without any cons? In this essay I will try to explore the present benefits and the potential downsides of this creative communication tool.

On one hand, we have to acknowledge that computers have produced a huge influence on people’s daily life, changing people’s lifestyle. It is accepted by most that we can enjoy much convenience and the rapid speed from computers, no matter what time it is and where we are, making people in all corners of the world receive the same kind of information in such a short time. The unique advantage of computers is much more preferable than other kinds of ways to connect.

Nonetheless, on the other hand, we should squarely face the demerits of computers. For instance, a rising number of the youth is easier to get the obesity than ever before, according to a recent survey. What’s more, many parents find out their children have less communication and activities with them, leading to the greater gap and misunderstandings. How many citizens have ever consider the root reason about this matter？If they ponder over it, it is easy to understand there is a close relation with the computers.

The accurate conception of value is to see things from diverse perspectives, no matter what things they are. I fully sanction, as a consequence, that when we appraise the strong points of a computer, we also make effort to eliminate or change the weakness of it so that it can contribute more to our future life.

H-KevinUID: 2182070

第二篇

我的感觉：
这是范文，很好的文章，每段的第一句都是中心句，一目了然

我的建议：完全可以收录，学习，符合ielts标准

Today, many sports are becoming increasinglymore and more regulated. Boxing, rugby, soccer, and other games are being targeted by sports bodies and medical organizations in an effort to improve safety standards and to reduce injuries. However, for some people, this is not enough, and they would rather see some dangerous sports banned completely. In this essay, I will examine some arguments against banning dangerous sports.

Sports, competition, and games seem to be natural to humans. Young children learn their own limits and strengths through play with others, but they also learn valuable social lessons about what acceptable behavior and the rights of others. Sport therefore is not just a physical phenomenon, but a mental and social one.

Challenging sport provides a healthy, largely safe, physical outlet for aggression. There is very little evidence to show that people who take part in dangerous sports become violent as a result. In fact it is more likely that apart from the many friendships created in playing, sport acts as a safety valve for a society by reducing stress. Moreover, sport teaches and requires discipline, training, and respect for the rules - valuable lessons in any society.

Almost all sports involve some risk. Young rugby players are paralysed every year in scrums. Scuba-diving accidents can lead to brain damage or death. Even golf or jogging can lead to pain or injury Without some elements of risk or challenge, sport becomes meaningless. A marathon runner trying to improve his time, basketball players fiercely battling an opposing team, or a sky-diving team defying gravity - all are trying to push themselves to their maximum. There is therefore no sport without danger..

There is also the issue of freedom. Without a wide range of sports, many people would feel trapped or limited. People should be free to participate in activities with others as long as it does not affect the safety of non-participants.

There also should be limits to the power of governments to ban sports. If one sport is banned because of alleged danger, then what sport would be next? Boxing is the most common target of opponents of dangerous sports. But if boxing is banned, would motor racing follow, then rugby, wrestling, or weightlifting? Furthermore, many sports would go underground, leading to increased injury and illegal gambling.

Nobody denies that regulation is needed. Medical bodies have introduced safety rules in boxing, in soccer, and these safety regulations have been welcomed by players. But the role of government should be reduced.

In conclusion, our society would be healthier if more people took part in sports of all kinds. We should continue to try to prevent accidents and injuries. However, we should also ensure that sports are challenging, exciting, and, above all, fun.

[ 本帖最后由 H-Kevin 于 2007-8-29 14:26 编辑 ]

H-KevinUID: 2182070

第三篇

我的感觉：
1。第一段没有中心思想，建议包含你的观点，不要大规模重复原文标题
2。语言问题不大，但是结构和内容都不太符合标准，中文式行文，单句作用--型不散意散
3。建议加强段落内布局

我的建议：暂不收录

Should a city try to preserve its old, historic buildings or destroy them and replace then with modern buildings? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

It is truth universally acknowledged that the moment one part of out modern life starts going smoothly, another area of it falls spectacularly to pieces. Obviously, as the rapidly developing modernization procedure, we are confronting with a predicament, which is whether the old, historic buildings should be destroyed or preserved?

in my opinion, It seems that we ought to protect old buildings which are worth to and establish new buildings which are fit to our life.
Historic architectures definitely are worth to be careful preserved in that those masterpieces, which had been established since ancient time are a core component of our legacy. Those historic buildings, from Song age to Qing dynasty, all of them stand for out glorious traditional culture. If we destroyed them, not only we lost the historic spots but lose the national culture identity. Top that, a city without its own spiritual soul, no matter how modern it is, it will fail to go astray in the complex fashion world.

Compared with the first statement, a series of advantages supported that we should destroy old buildings and replace with modern one. Those remarkable functions the new buildings have, such as save-energy, more security, less noise cater for almost citizens who living in the modern communities than the old buildings'.

From what has been analyzed, I suggested that we should select much valuable from those old historic buildings and to preserve them. At the mean time, the modern buildings should be established by the local authorities. Using this accessible approach, I think, we could keep our culture sign whilst keeping pace with the tide of modern life

forbeckUID: 2297645

原来如此 那我现在开始看

H-KevinUID: 2182070

第4-1篇

我的感觉：
1。第一段跑题
2。举的Singapore例子真实性作者你确定否？
3。全文最重要的段落纯理论无例子，太空，太泛

我的建议：暂不收录

Tourism is a multibillion dollors industry that supports economic development,some people think that it causes damage to local environment and culture ,so what is your opinion.

With the development of economic and transportation , countries in different area of the world are more closely to each other compared to several years ago. Once when you travel from Beijing to NewYork may spend you more than a month by ship. However ,it just costs you fifteen hours by airplane. Increasingly more people even family choose to hang out their spare time to visit other areas or countries which possess different culture and landscape.

Tourism contributes significantly to many countries’ GNP. For instance ,the tourism has been the vital industry of Singapore. As a garden city ,Singapore obtains its revenue mainly from the profit brought by tourism. Both  the private and the government earn lots from tourist ranging from tickets to shopping. The flourishing tourism provides enough jobs for local people and develop a nation’s commerce.

As a matter of fact ,tourism is not free of potential problems. There are also some side-effects accompanying to such positive accepts. It may create environmental pollution and threaten or even destroy large scales of beautiful scenic spots on account of the habits of tourists. Throwing away the waste randomly results in increasingly more serious problems. The biological banlance is destroyed by the continual disturbance.

More and more people flood into the touristic areas and bring a risk to local culture. There may be some confliction between local and tourists due to the different culture and custom. The local culture may be affected by the  alien culture and loss its speciality .

Anyhow ,it is difficult to give a absolute conclusion about such a complex issue whether the merits outweigh the shortback or not. However ,there is no doubt that tour plays an important role in our life.

第4-2篇

我的感觉：
1。词汇很丰富，不是考过G，就是用了金山词霸
2。整体感觉和上文差异比较大

我的建议：按照菠萝的意见修改后收录

Should criminals be punished with length jall terms or re-educated and rehabilitated, using community service program for instance ,before being reintroduced to society.

People are born with freedom. Some people hold the view that criminals should be re-educated and rehabilitated with social service programs due to their natural right ,whilst others consider that criminals should be sent into a jail with a long term prison.

To prevent crime is the essential purpose of criminal law and to suffer torment is inevitable in accepting punishment. Prison restricts one’s freedom and forestall one to re-crime in a certain time. From the psychology of human, nemesis is a natural desire of victim. Thus ,it is necessary that criminals should be punished owing to their activities. On the other hand, it is risky to let the criminals  live and work in flexible and convenient circumstance. There may be a increasing rate of  criminals who commit felonies offend the law again.

Re –educating and rehabilitating give people who commit a misdemeanor a chance to change and rebuild himself. It is high time that they practice some actions to make up the mistakes they have done. Their conscience and introspection may be stimulated to wake up  in the community service program. They might find their own value through serving other people and society.

We also are able to adopt other methods to punish criminals. Firstly ,mulct is a  useful punishment to people whose greedy cause a economic problem on account of the importance of money in their mind. Secondly ,depriving some of their rights namely freedom of press, speech and assembly is also a beneficial choice .

Every punishment has its own advantages and disadvantages. Whether criminals should  be punished with length jall terms or re-educated and rehabilitated depends on his or her social risk.  High risky people should be put into prison to protect the benefit of public and maintain the stability and security of the society.

forbeckUID: 2297645

第一篇 夜空的彼方推荐文章
第二篇 forbeck推荐的文章，在本贴8楼
第三篇 ray-day的文章一篇，在13楼
第四、五篇 ccfenger的两篇文章，在9楼和10楼

第一篇
1、开场那一段的词汇就把我镇住了，何止是丰富哪~~~~~`简直是华丽，我觉得很多都是我在新4里读到的句型和词汇。
2、中间两段的首句，用的是常规的词组，这个掩盖了他的闪光点~~而且，像两位前辈说的没有扣紧paticular situation来写，但是思路和逻辑都很清晰
要是能在遇到楼主，一定要问问她在考试时写了多少分 :loveliness:
我的意见：:victory:

第二篇
这篇是偶推荐的，我肯定支持啦。除了文章篇幅太长，相对于鸭子的作文来说，有些段落属于多余的，总的来说是一篇好文章，尤其是老外写的，我认为多看老外的文章，提高得快，而且他们的文字思路绝对清晰
我的意见：:victory:

第三篇
1、同hk的，第一段没有开门见山，可以把后面那句话和并进第一段
2、最后一段没有很好的扣紧主题：题目的类型属于argument，结尾段却变成solution 的啦~~
我的意见：:handshake 再修改一 下，应该不错

第四篇
1、这个开场的铺垫看得好辛苦阿~~~~也没有提出自己的观点
2、文章有点散，貌似不太符合鸭子的八股写法
我的意见：:handshakesorry

第五篇
1、首尾段呼应
2、主体部分论证严密
我的意见：:victory:

futuremanUID: 2327059

挖靠..你们几个感动四我了...T_T
拿水桶接眼泪...
明早我修改好有问题的文章,加上你们的评论一起贴到一楼去
谢谢大家了!!!:loveliness:

我现在每天有8分可以评, 大家不要着急呵..一点感谢.

forbeckUID: 2297645

眼泪借我点当分数好了;d:
我依然只有4分:o

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

其实前边HK和Forbeck都已近分析的很好了，我能给出的意见大致也差不多。不过既然Future兄好意让我也给一点意见，那我就再啰唆几句了~:)

第一篇：
是我在IELTS版翻到的第一篇让我觉得不错的习作，用词和造句都非常棒，但是不可否认，缺点和它的优点一样明显，那就是存在着严重的跑题嫌疑。
我的意见：同意HK和Forbeck的意见，主要参考语言。【收录】
第二篇：
绝对的范文级别作文，全文思路清晰，文笔流畅，而且最主要的是因为是老外所写，我们可以从中学到许多地道的表达。
我的意见：建议大家好好研读这篇文章，同时Forbeck所给的那个网站里还有很多范文，有时间可以认真学习。【收录】
第三篇：
同HK和Forbeck，作者的词汇量比较丰富，也能做到充分论证自己的观点，但是，句子之间连贯性和段落布局需要提高。
我的意见：作者如果看到大家给的意见之后，能够再修改完善一下，是一篇不错的文章。【修改后收录】
第四篇：
第一段没有表明自己的观点是雅思写作的大忌。第三段说到旅游危害很严重，但是却没有很好的例证支持，给人感觉太空了。
你的观点是中立，其实这是最难掌握的一种态度，不到迫不得已，还是支持或者反对好一些，也比较适合初学写作的人，可以将精力主要放在语言上而不是论证上。
我的意见：作者的语言功底挺不错的，不过这篇文章由于全篇给人的感觉比较混乱，论证也不够充分。【暂不收录】
第五篇：
还是第一段，最好能表明自己的态度，而不要写成“一些人认为。。。。另一些人认为。。。。”，这样看不到作者的态度，不要指望考官会仔细研你中间的那些论证，所以，一开始就将观点表明比较好一些，也方便后边的论证，而不用担心是不是说清楚了。
还有一点，这篇文章的第四段感觉有些多余，题目问的是长期监禁和再教育，社区服务等手段的比较，应该将主要精力放在这些地方，而不是提出一些别的惩罚手段。
我的意见：除了第一段和第四段在论证上的一些问题之外，词汇和句子都不错，【修改后收录】

[ 本帖最后由 夜空的彼方 于 2007-8-29 22:02 编辑 ]

futuremanUID: 2327059

谢谢夜空~~
我正在对文章进行修改.

futuremanUID: 2327059

三篇习作修改并收录完毕

ccfenger的第二篇虽然结构上比较严谨, 用词也比较高深, 但是感觉文风有些生涩, 没有英文写作的顺畅感, 所以就不收录了..
欢迎大家继续推荐，今天的８分 分给HK 牛儿和夜空, 辛苦了!:loveliness:

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-8-30 14:17 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

嘻嘻！辛苦啦！偶下午也来改一篇:loveliness:

futuremanUID: 2327059

留一个啦啦啦的链接
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D1#pid1770807862

如果修改的不错,可以考虑加入优秀习作.

GriSSom.ZZXUID: 2234108

FT...改完才发现原来是大家评价很高的一篇，斗胆再次进精改一下了，骨头里面挑鸡蛋...有什么不妥的地方大家暂时忍着吧...
BTW...貌似I版上作文资源不多了，只好炒别人炒过的饭了...还是只一篇吧（看别人都批量改作文，小羞一下:loveliness:）

It is known that computers, one of the greatest inventions in the (human being’s->mankind’s?)history, are widely used in every (walks->walk) of life. It seems that mostpeople simply witness the pros of computers. Is it really perfect without anycons? In this essay I will try to explore the present benefits and thepotential downsides of this creative communication tool.


（开头的感觉确实不错，明确的阐述了自己的观点，而且词义的改写也比较到位；就是这个cons pros是否合适啊？cons and pros貌似是“支持反对”
1 : an argument orevidence in opposition
2 : the negativeposition or one holding it
from MW-online

文中似乎应该用“优劣”，这个自己也不太清楚哎~~）

On one hand, we have to acknowledge that computershave produced a huge influence on people’s daily life, (changing->changed||貌似这个动词还是用have做助动词的，但还是觉得别扭)people’s lifestyle. It is accepted by most that we can enjoy much convenienceand the rapid speed from computers, no matter what time it is and where we are,making people in all corners of the world receive the same kind of informationin such a short time. (The->This) unique advantage of computers is much morepreferable than other kinds of ways to (connect->be connected with theworld).


（可以举个例子来说明电脑这种高速媒体的好处，如：broadcast some significant event, such as the election of theAmerican president, synchronously to the global range, which is unavailable,even unimaginable in the no-computer era.）

Nonetheless, on the other hand, we should squarely face the demerits ofcomputers. For instance, a rising number of the youth is easier to get theobesity than ever before, according to a recent survey. What’s more, manyparents find out their children have less communication and activities withthem, leading to the greater gap and misunderstandings. How many citizens haveever consider the root reason about this matter？If they ponder over it, itis easy to understand there is a close relation with the computers.

（感觉这段只是在最后把所有的不好都归结到电脑上面显得说理不足，建议最后再补充为什么电脑造成这些，如：They become less communicative because they might have get obsessed with the virtue life, which entitles them almost everything they desire but could not get access to in the real life. ）

Onbalance, everything has (its->\?) two sides, (inclusive of computers?). In this sense, we should concentrate on diverse perspectives while listingadvantages and disadvantages of computers. Correspondingly, no matter how (^much)computers (could) contribute to our society, it is (also->\) our duty to eliminate (or change->\) the (weakness->negative part of this high-tech equipment as much as we can) in order to advance our social evolution morebeneficially.

（结尾也还行，就是硬生生的把电脑的改进和社会的进化联系在了一起，不过看作是文章结尾的展望未来可能也算过关了吧。）

（作为大家都看好的贴，文章的主要结构和语言果然都没有什么问题。主要说还可以改进的地方：
1对于这种两个body的平衡观点论证，感觉这两个body最好写的都在丰满一些，举个把例子（不过真实考试中要看准备程度和时间情况了）。
2感觉两个body段的TS都不是很合适。用中文叙述的话，就是：电脑对社会有好处；电脑有些不好之处。如果想完善的话可以把TS写的稍微具体一些，如第二个body的TS：Nonetheless, on the other hand, we shouldsquarely face the demerits of computers, which the youth might suffer the most. First of all, they would get obese, because... For example…Secondly, they become lesssociable, because... For instance…In a word, this negative impact imposed by the computers upon the futuregeneration should not be ignored.）

[ 本帖最后由 GriSSom.ZZX 于 2007-8-31 10:57 编辑 ]