英语达人帮我看看这篇作文

鱼丸子UID: 2388561

第一次准备雅思作文。不知道效果如何。请高人指点。

People believe that they should be able to keep all the money they earn and should not pay tax to the state. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


There is a discussion about tax payment. Some people don't want to pay tax to the state and want to keep all the money they earn. Another attitude is that we should be able to keep money while it is also important to pay tax to the state. Personally I don't agree with the former opinion and agree with the second attitude to pay tax.

Money is important for us to live in the society. But money is not the one and only we are striving for. We need money to buy food and drinks therefore we need a well plan on using the money we earn. While we are enjoying the harvest from the salary, we need to think about our working environment and society.

We should spare no effort to contribute our society. Without the safety environment, we are far away from the safety and peace, and say nothing of earn money and enjoy the life. We probably will lose our life in the turbulent times. We should thank our state gives us such good environment to live and work. We are responsible for the contribution to our country in some forms. Money is a one way to do contribution. The tax we paid is transferred into benefits to all of us, we are also enjoying benefits. For instance, infrastructure is improved. Less traffic jam happens in the rush hours. Road condition is improved. Invest money is mainly from our tax.

In a word, I insist to pay tax to the state. This activity benefits both individual and country. For the country's prosperous, everyone should pay tax.

鱼丸子UID: 2388561

汗，发现一个错误insist on....

H-KevinUID: 2182070

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724783-1-1.html
同时热心板油（牛儿天空和啦啦啦）会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html
同时欢迎你也给别人改作文（有加分啊），从而学习别人的长处，更快的提高自己咯

GriSSom.ZZXUID: 2234108

There is a discussion about tax payment. Some people don't want to pay tax tothe state and want to keep all the money they earn. Another attitude is that weshould be able to keep money while it is also important to pay tax to thestate. Personally, I don't agree with the former opinion and agree with thesecond attitude (to pay tax-\).


（这个开头写的很标准啊，就是改写的不是非常彻底，不过也算达到要求了。）

Money is important for us to live in the society. But money is not the (one andonly->only thing) we are striving for. We need money to buy food and (drinks->drink)therefore we need a well plan on using the money we earn. While we are enjoyingthe harvest from the salary, we need to think about our working environment andsociety.

We should spare no effort to contribute (^to) our society. Without the safetyenvironment, we are far away from the safety and peace, (and say nothing of->notto mention) (earn->earning) money and (enjoy->enjoying) the life. Weprobably will lose our life in the turbulent times. We should thank our state (gives->forgiving?) us such good environment to live and work. We are responsible for thecontribution to our country in some forms. Money is a one way to docontribution. The tax we paid is transferred into benefits to all of us(,->;)we are also enjoying benefits. For instance, infrastructure is improved. Lesstraffic jam happens in the rush hours. Road condition is improved. (Investmoney->The money invested in all such fields as I have mentioned above) ismainly from our tax.. (这个body段最好加上结论)


（用两段写了一个方面，有点少见的写法；论证的倒确实不错。）

In a word, I insist (to pay->on paying) tax to the state. This activitybenefits both individual and country. For the country's prosperous (^future), everyone should pay tax.

（
优点：1 切入角度不错，论证充分
2 遣词造句比较通顺，没什么低级错误（不知道实际写的时候是不是这个情况）
不足：1 角度单一，只写了一个方面，可以考虑把你的两段合成一个body段，再加一两段从其他角度进行论证：如纳税也不能太多，税率设置要合理；富人多纳税等等…而且你写成了一边倒的支持多少有些不符合一般人看问题的思维
2 最好是长短句结合，文章里短句貌似多
BTW...我不是作文达人...
）

鱼丸子UID: 2388561

十分感谢。毛病很多，呵呵
我要多多努力。向7分加油。
不知道这样的作文可以拿几分？