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[作文] 作文修改小超人(停止修改) [复制链接]

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发表于 2007-11-7 19:41:52 |只看该作者
不好意思啊!!!
我最近在忙选校的事情
所以没有多少时间。。。。。。
可能作文要晚一点下来。。。
但今晚一定给你改一篇!!!!!
先要经过苦训的试练。
流光所有汗水, 用尽所有力气。
别让身体停下,
把训练的目标定在永远达不到的地方。
但还是要达到。
你会感到疲惫,犹豫, 甚至沮丧。
但你不许放弃。
因为胜利不会是奇迹。
有一种天才, 只从坚定不移的信念中诞生。

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发表于 2007-11-7 19:43:52 |只看该作者
谢谢拉.:) :)  大好人,呵呵

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发表于 2007-11-7 23:31:20 |只看该作者
小超人好象为了学校很忙,我也是最近才确定的,爸爸找了老师选定了学校
这个网站是最权威的,但有些信息可能要收费,不过大概信息应该够了
http://www.usnews.com/
还有这个从SAT版看到的应该还不错,参考一下吧http://princetonreview.com/home.asp
祝你选到一个好的适合你的学校, 然后就有空改作文了,呵呵;d:

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发表于 2007-11-7 23:57:41 |只看该作者
选自185的第60篇: Agree or disagree: Games are as important for adults as they are for children.

It is no doubt that we are fond of games when we are kids. But when we grow up, some people gradually keep away from the games and exert their every effort into the work and career not only because they think playing games is the priority of the children, but also because it is a waste of time. However, I strongly appreciate that the adults would also play games based on the following reasons.

Nowadays, the development of the whole society is more rapid than ever before and we sometimes feel that we could not keep up with this pace of change, as the same time, we must face with a wide variety of pressures, unemployment, heavy tax, house loan and so forth, which make us so tired, even may lead some mental or physical disease. In this case, we should relax our high-tensioned nerves by playing games, because they can take us back to the wonderful childhood without problems in reality, and we can have an absolute great time, after that, we can feel full of energy and confidence and absorbed into the work again.

Furthermore, we should distinguish the game played by adults and the game attracting the children. The game adults like is not the simple ones as others think, instead of testing force and physical ability, these ones inspire people's intelligence, imagination and creation. We can also find unusural methods to solve the problems, which adopt us logical and rational ability as well.

These games also benefit the adults in other aspects. Some of these games train the communication ability, while others need all the participants' cooperation. Comparing to other entertainments, such as watching movies for a long time sitting in sofa with food and bear, rock climbing and traveling around the world, these games will not only save a great amount of money and time, but also is safer and more enjoyable.

From the merits I have mentioned above, it is obvious that games, especially the intelligent games, will benefit the adults significantly. So let us play games without pressure and concerning about others' uncommon glance as if we went back to the teenagers and childhood.

word:362

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发表于 2007-11-8 08:29:46 |只看该作者

新的修改

woHAPPY


LZ可不可以帮我看一下呀?11号就考了,谢谢了

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is the responsibility of the government to provide health care to everyone living in that country.
If had the enough fees and health care provided by the government in time
(这个虚拟语气的用法有误,应该改成Had the enough fees and health care provided by the government in time, 不过你能想到这样的虚拟形式已经很不错了.) , my brother might have been sitting in the classroom and studying with his classmates in the university. From my perspective, I do agree that the government should be responsible for every citizen in the country to offer health care, considering the private medical care is so expensive in most country that some people could not afford, and also the government ought to utilize the taxes they receive from citizen in practice. Unfortunately,  my brother died at last, not given the immediate health care by the government.


(其实这里的开头你可以在写详细一点, 我并不知道你的brother的具体信息, 所以我只能用一些假设的信息重写一个开头, 目的在于帮助你更好地领会怎样用具体的事例进行开头:


Health is of first-rate importance, and acted as the protection and services for local residents, it is the very responsibility for a government to exert some positive influence upon people’s health improvements. My brother is a victim suffered from a cancer. If he received enough health care from the local government, now he would be sitting in a bright classroom studying with other regular students--- mathematics and computer sciences, which are my brother’s favorites. Unfortunately the local government did not promote itself enough to provide such medical and health services. Still, I strongly agree with the statement that…. 告诉作者一个写事例的原则----具体,比如我在写事例的时候就写出了科目,疾病的类别等, 这是老外所喜欢的.)

In the standing point of the most citizens, some of them are quite poor and not able to see the doctor or have regular health care, and thus they would have diseases readily, some of which would even threaten their lives. To this point, for me
(鼓励!多使用插入语!!) , I think it is really important for government to provide proper health care to their citizen. For example, my family was in a bad condition in my childhood, which my father was forbidden to work outside as a teacher in the specific period of China in 1960s, and the whole family depended on my mother’s little wages in the clothes factory. Teaching by his father who expected him to go the university, my brother worked hard and had tremendous knowledge, which made him be called “genius” at the age of seventeen. However, the horrible liver cancer came to him, and my parents could not afford to pay the medical fee of 30,000 RMB per month, and instead, what they could do was desperately watching their son dying in bed. A few days later, my brother died just because of lacking in-time health care!


(主体段写得不错, 但是开头还是要有一些逻辑连接词,比如for one thing, for another.)

In terms of using the taxes properly, the governments have the duty to serve the needs of their citizen with the taxes they hand in, and in most cases, the important need of citizen is health care, and consequently, they ought to offer the health care for everyone living the city. If the government are not responsible for serving health care for their citizen, they might be criticized by public, since the public might think the governments have not use their hand-in money in practice. Therefore, from the perspective of the governments, providing the health care might be a better decision for them.

Generally, based on the two main reasons I mentioned: first, the poor could not afford to have health care; second, it is more practical for government to spend taxes, I completely hold a point that governments have the responsibility to provide health care for their citizen.
30+27=57min   word count: 422

先要经过苦训的试练。
流光所有汗水, 用尽所有力气。
别让身体停下,
把训练的目标定在永远达不到的地方。
但还是要达到。
你会感到疲惫,犹豫, 甚至沮丧。
但你不许放弃。
因为胜利不会是奇迹。
有一种天才, 只从坚定不移的信念中诞生。

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发表于 2007-11-8 13:03:09 |只看该作者
小超人以后都不改作文了?  不会吧,可怜我们这些在写作上挣扎的菜鸟们吧~~~
这篇自觉惨不忍睹,但我30分钟也就这水平了~~唉~~~
46. What are the important qualities of a good son or daughter? Have these qualities changed or remained the same over time in your culture? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.   

It is indisputable that our country has been dramatically changed by the development of modern society, so some people argue that the stand of judging a good son or daughter has also been modified. In my point of view, the important qualities a good child should have, like obedience, showing respect and consideration to parents has not been changed.  

Most important of all, obedience to parents' instruction has been considered as the most desired characteristic of a son or daughter in the five thousand years’ history of China. As an old Chinese saying goes, the amount of salt an old man has consumed is larger than that of rice a child has eaten. Maybe this saying extravagate the fact, but we can not deny the essential fact that the experience our parents gained in their previous days is of significant value to us. The problems, such as the difficulties we confront in our school lives, the conflict we have between our friend and us and how to make proper plan for our future, can be resolved relatively easily under experienced person's supervise. Our beloved parents will pat far more energy and love to complete this job.

Not only we should attach great importance to obedience, but also respect to parents deserves equal emphasis. It is known to all that our parents gave our lives and nurture us wholeheartedly. No institute in this world can figure out how much energy and time our parents have spend on our growth, not to mention the numerous financial and mental supports. Accordingly, the conscience of human beings urges us to show respect to them. Both of apparent behavior and the belief from the bottom of heart are required.

In addition, when our parents need our help, we provide careful consideration and take care of them just like what they have done for us in our childhood. Take me for example, I still remember it is my father who stayed up three days and nights to attend me when I broke my leg seriously and it is my mother who always spares no effort to help me get through every plight. Every time when I recall such memory, I feel a strong sense of responsibility to attend them when they get old.

    From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the precious qualities a good son or daughter need to possess is not changed in Chinese culture and I believe it will also be desired in our next generation.
:handshake

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发表于 2007-11-8 16:13:02 |只看该作者
作文修改小超人的帖子于10月8号正式停止修改,主要是时间紧迫。。
我新建了一个群,有意者可加:
49929145
先要经过苦训的试练。
流光所有汗水, 用尽所有力气。
别让身体停下,
把训练的目标定在永远达不到的地方。
但还是要达到。
你会感到疲惫,犹豫, 甚至沮丧。
但你不许放弃。
因为胜利不会是奇迹。
有一种天才, 只从坚定不移的信念中诞生。

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发表于 2007-11-8 23:43:33 |只看该作者
理解。。。。你对我得帮助已经很多了:handshake


再道个谢!!!

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发表于 2007-11-9 00:20:31 |只看该作者

真心谢谢你,小超人

最近感觉压力超级大,半夜上寄托,发现小超人帮我改了作文,突然好感动……真心谢谢你~~

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发表于 2008-1-23 15:12:33 |只看该作者
谢谢

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发表于 2008-1-24 17:15:28 |只看该作者
停止了???
成功就在坚持一下的努力之中
Never never never give up!!!

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发表于 2008-1-25 21:11:34 |只看该作者
ding
先要经过苦训的试练。
流光所有汗水, 用尽所有力气。
别让身体停下,
把训练的目标定在永远达不到的地方。
但还是要达到。
你会感到疲惫,犹豫, 甚至沮丧。
但你不许放弃。
因为胜利不会是奇迹。
有一种天才, 只从坚定不移的信念中诞生。

使用道具 举报

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发表于 2008-12-29 11:59:49 |只看该作者
原帖由 破海沧澜 于 2007-9-23 18:59 发表


有两点破海没有看出来

1 And 作为连接词是只能放在句子的中间而不能放在句首的,切记

2那个不叫敖述,叫赘述 ZHUI SHU
法律阿泰: http://www.weibo.com/5820884819/ 第一时间的海外法学院申请, NGO实习及各种学术会议信息

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发表于 2009-2-3 19:07:39 |只看该作者
怎么到16页就完了,我记得不是24页吗,我才看到20页啊
法律阿泰: http://www.weibo.com/5820884819/ 第一时间的海外法学院申请, NGO实习及各种学术会议信息

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发表于 2009-2-3 19:14:29 |只看该作者
感谢小超人
法律阿泰: http://www.weibo.com/5820884819/ 第一时间的海外法学院申请, NGO实习及各种学术会议信息

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RE: 作文修改小超人(停止修改) [修改]
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