作文修改小超人（停止修改）

girlpowerUID: 2235717

小超人 我给你发了封邮件 最近每天看英语超过8个小时 头都晕乎乎的 还给你发了两遍 其中一封是有作文的 在附件里~
谢谢啦

zheng0309UID: 2304591

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement
Teachers are responsible for motivating students to learn


  Some people agree with the opinion of motivating students in the class  in order to help students to learn. Others on the other hand contradict it. As far as I’m concerned I would support the former one.
  Firstly, the reason I strongly comment on the opinion is that the limited learning skills grasped by students. Majority of students have confused in the classes especially when the subject is complex,  they don’t know how to accept the knowledge, what they eagerly need is someone who are familiar with the subject well and help to tell them the quick way to understand it.
  What’s more, there is still another significant thing to mention . teacher is the most professinal person . There’s an exeample to shed light on my point. When I was in the high school, my math was entirely poor, and I began give up, my thinking was that maybe I was more stupid than others in this area, so it’s time to stop working on it, at that time, my math teacher call me to her office and asked the reason, after knowing the answer she larghed for a while then she said I had a good score in english and music ,how can I be stupid ? she eventually encourged me go on working hard on math and could ask any question to her if I had a problem. Today I really appreciate about the word given by her that with her suggestion I’ve passed all math exam which especially help me to enter the college I ‘ve alaways dreamed of.
   teacher’s motivations which can be a word ,an ask even a smile mean a lot to the student who are eager in knowledge or struggling with trouble , a teacher who do the good job in motivation is the teacher who are responsible for students.

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

pppoison

When it refers to the use of cell phone, the discussion among individuals and in society as a whole has come into vogue during the last decade. It is commonly accepted that people can use cell phone while driving while others, however, take the negative attitude. My opinion states that cell phone use must be restricted. I am in favor of this inclination for many reasons, either in order to avoid traffic accident, or for the purpose of not lead to a wrong order on the road.

（这里其实你用简洁的开头表达方式就可以了： when I asked about the use of the cell phone in the public, I should say that the use of cell phone in public places should be limited, and the reasons go as follows. 在托福作文中，一般有4种形式的开头方式：1.简洁式的开头，就是我在上面写的那种。这种开头的好处在于你只需要将原题目改写一遍即可，不需要花太多时间，坏处在于如此以来你就必须保证你的主体段落的字数和精彩程度。2. 模版式的开头，虽然各大论坛上的模版个不相同，但其骨架都大同小异, 例如： Colleges are places for knowledge, providing wisdom as well as opportunities. Currently, a widespread controversy concerning the function of colleges has aroused the public attention, although a fair portion of people argues that people go to college solely for the sake of study. Yet, from my personal perspective, I strongly agree that people go to college for various other than a single reason. 这是我根据185的第一题写的一个模版开头，自认为还是比较标准，由此你应该可以看到模版开头是一个什么样子。3. 排比式的开头：很难写的一种开头方式，虽然我们中国学生在高考的时候曾将其驾轻就熟，但是中国的排比和外国的排比是不一样。写得很好的排比到目前为止我还没有见到，你可以参照新概念英语4的Galileo Reborn中的第二段，了解什么是英文式的排比。 4. shocking statement: 这是我用的开头方式，也是我个人比较推崇的开头方式。这种开头有个总体策略：General---Specific---- General, 即开头就说一个很简短，很不可思议的remark. 例如这个题目： travel alone or travel in a group, which one do you prefer? 用shocking statement就这样开头： Travelling alone is the only way to travel (shocking remark! And general). When I went to London last year for my unforgettable vacation, I used to immerse myself in the peaceful music alone; watching kids wondering around in the streets; drinking coffee at a small café shop, enjoying my time alone (specific). Transparently, the basic concept of travelling, at least it seems to me, is to do what one likes, and in this sense, travelling alone serves as the optimal choice (general again). 因此你的开头就给考官留下了很深的印象。以前我给别人改的开头通常偏向1，2两种，现在我希望大家也能尝试写第4种开头。）
The main reason for my propensity to restrict the use of cell phone is that the situation of the road (traffic, 注意用词的准确性！) will be in a mess when people are making phone calls. For example, once I was on my way home and I stopped by a red traffic light. Several seconds later, when the light turned green, the long car line still did not move. More and more cars come but the line still did not move. All the drivers were nervous, we don know what happened. Later, after the traffic light turned green again, the cars began to move. Then we found the first car driver was making a phone call. It is an irresponsible behavior that causes all other people to wait for him. Hence, make phone calls while driving can cause bad order. （这段写得不错）

Another equally essential factor why I advocate people can not use cell phone while driving is that it will be dangerous to drive a car with cell phone. When people are using cell phones, they will pay little attention on the road. That is to say, they will be absent-minded. Meanwhile, a recent survey made by a famous website will make this point clear and acceptable. The survey reveals that when people are using cell phone, the reaction time will be 2 times longer than normal. If a person suddenly comes in front of the car, the driver can not respond within 40 seconds. This can contribute to more frequency traffic accidents. Thus we can draw a conclusion that driving with cell phone is dangerous.

（如果题目是whether cell phone use should be restricted in the public （因为你没写题目，我只能猜），那你可以不只写交通这方面：

In addition, the inadequate use of cell phone could interfere other people, sometimes even put them in a position of embarrassment. Very evident is the phenomenon of inconvenience of our daily lives which is resulted by cell phones: loud conversations on the phone will spoil others the happy time of having meals in the restaurant; further more, when it is in the movie theatre, the situation will go worse--- a minute talk on the mobile phone may annoy audiences and even deprive some honey lovers of their romantic moments. Consequently, it is of consequence to restrict the use of cell phones.)

In sum, weighing the pros and cons, I commit the notion that drivers can not use cell phone, not only because it can result in traffic accidents, but also because it can cause bad order.

(你的作文从语法和语言上来看问题不大，并且独立那4.0以上是没有问题的。但是为了确保你能那更高的分数，我给出以下建议：

1.         选好你观点，观点很重要。如果你有任何问题，可以参看我在作文修改小超人里面14区里的写作总结，上面有提到怎样提升观点。

2.         认真研究一下开头，修改过程中我已经说得很清楚了，相信你能够明白。

3.         建议你在写一个让步段，你的作文字数不够。好的作文一般400+，注意从量上提升托福作文。）

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-4 12:46 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

jennycat (jennycat)

第一次习作  请超人大哥猛批哈！！！还有一个半月，改怎么提高，感激～～～               Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

An ironical saying, which has became more and more accepted recent year, reflects some travel agency service directly and accurately. That is – if you join a group led by a tour guide that only means you will take on the bus for sleeping; get off bus for toileting; go to the park just for taking photograph（可以加一句and even then you will be experiencing everything in a rush.）. This ridiculous （这个词有点口语化，甚用）conclusion may exaggerate some unfortunate tourists nightmare caused by some particularly bad experiences ascribe to irresponsible tour guide or profit-only travel agency（可以改写成：Undoubtedly, some travel agencies are based on the concept of maximum income in a shortest time, regardless of the tourists’ feelings.）. In nowadays China, however, when we have to make a choice between traveling on our own or resorting to tour guide, we must take such horrible impression into account. If you’re （作文中的缩写全部要全写） a member of young generation as vigorous as me, I will strongly recommend you to choose the former one without any reservation. Because making the journey schedule by yourself can let you enjoy your vacation more completely by assuring your good mood, making your decision arbitrarily and intimate contact with people and culture of your destination. （你的开头写得很好！下面是我对托福开头的一些经验，不过我觉得如果你发展出你自己的开头风格，你就应该坚持下去。）

（在托福作文中，一般有4种形式的开头方式：1.简洁式的开头，例如：when I asked about the use of the cell phone in the public, I should say that the use of cell phone in public places should be limited, and the reasons go as follows.。这种开头的好处在于你只需要将原题目改写一遍即可，不需要花太多时间，坏处在于如此以来你就必须保证你的主体段落的字数和精彩程度。2. 模版式的开头，虽然各大论坛上的模版个不相同，但其骨架都大同小异, 例如： Colleges are places for knowledge, providing wisdom as well as opportunities, currently, a widespread controversy concerning the function of colleges has aroused the public attention, although a fair portion of people argues that people go to college solely for the sake of study. Yet, from my personal perspective, I strongly agree that people go to college for various other than a single reason. 这是我根据185的第一题写的一个模版开头，自认为还是比较标准，由此你应该可以看到模版开头是一个什么样子。3. 排比式的开头：很难写的一种开头方式，虽然我们中国学生在高考的时候曾将其驾轻就熟，但是中国的排比和外国的排比是不一样。写得很好的排比到目前为止我还没有见到，你可以参照新概念英语4的Galileo Reborn中的第二段，了解什么是英文式的排比。 4. shocking statement: 这是我用的开头方式，也是我个人比较推崇的开头方式。这种开头有个总体策略：General---Specific---- General, 即开头就说一个很简短，很不可思议的remark. 例如这个题目： travel alone or travel in a group, which one do you prefer? 用shocking statement就这样开头： Travelling alone is the only way to travel (shocking remark! And general). When I went to London last year for my unforgettable vacation, I used to immerse myself in the peaceful music alone; watching kids wondering around in the streets; drinking coffee at a small café shop, enjoying my time alone (specific). Transparently, the basic concept of travelling, at least it seems to me, is to do what one likes, and in this sense, travelling alone serves as the optimal choice (general again). 因此你的开头就给考官留下了很深的印象。以前我给别人改的开头通常偏向1，2两种，现在我希望大家也能尝试写第4种开头。）

First and foremost , (first of all, 就可以了) maintaining a positive mood which is your essential goal of your leisure activities can be attained when you travel alone surely （travelling alone enables you to maintain a positive mood when you are on vacations. 建议作者不用或少用定语从句，多用非谓语和插入语）. You can totally immense yourself in fascinating scenery (scenario view 更地道) without worrying about that a guide will interrupt you due to the limited time in park. Plenty of other events happened in traveling group can seriously devastate your mood: nauseating food you have to endure in the designated restaurant; a dirty room which is previously dominated by mice and cockroach in designated hotel; worse, when you confront such unfair treat, the only thing you can do just to stand by it until the end of the voyage for fear that you will be leaved alone in this alien city. Maybe a protesting letter can relieve your temper later, but your whole holiday was ruined.

(这是我重写的主体段，逻辑还是比较清晰。虽然语言功底不怎么样，但相信这同样可以拿高分了。

The first point I would like to emphasize is that by travelling alone, one is able to free from restriction and limitation. Suppose an individual determines to travel all by him/herself, a holiday can be a personal comfort: one might be able to immerse him/herself in the harmony of a center park, free from interruptions from a guide who is always claiming the limitation of time. On the contrary, if some one makes an unwise decision to take a package tour, the condition may be altered: s/he could scarcely do anything except running and taking photos, deprived of the best thing that a person should have during a vacation.)

Not only can you retain happy mood, but also you can grip your own schedule. Just think about how disappointing you will be when informed that you’re not allowed to pay a visit to your ideal historic relic since it’s not arranged by the agency. According to your own vacation plan, you can drop by any places of interest you desire, you could purchase some souvenirs you prefer at a reasonable price while the equivalent can be attach with prohibitively high price in the stores which are introduced by travel guide.

（In addition, if someone happened to be organized, travelling alone also serves as the optimal choice--- above all, one could make his/her own schedule. Without disturbing from other persons, private schedule seems convenient in most cases. Perhaps it would suffice to mention my elder brother, who likes travelling alone and invariably makes his schedule whenever he decides to set out for a travel. “I find such a schedule effective,” one day he said to me,” you know, I can do what I like during a vacation, besides, everything is just fine, planning works. It enables me to arrive without exhaustion.” From his words I recognize this positive aspect of travelling alone.）

Furthermore, to have an intense communication with the local people that convey the local culture may be your desirable thing. Then, some sunlit afternoon, you bump into a little inn’s keeper fortuitously, you two have a long conversation that you find you both share the same interest; you decide to stay in this little inn for a period and try to explore more surprise nearby ultimately. Such romantic dream will never come true under the agency service.

I have to admit that much money can be saved when joining a group, but the thing I engage in traveling only can be attained when I travel on my own.

（你的托福作文的提高空间还是很大，整体来说，你应该提高你的主体段的水平。你可以在你的主体段里面加入实际的例子。并且这些例子可以很私人化，就是发生在你身边的例子，不过我写的修改中的例子有缺陷，那就是太多的语言，所以，事例要以描写为主。）

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-4 12:47 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

iamaeromouse

第一次处女作求拍
2005 12.16
Do you agree or disagree? If people want to have a good future they should have a careful plan while they are still young.

The young people, who are undergoing the most significant time of their life, are the hope of the society for the future （这句话有点chinglish，直接说Youth are brilliant future of the society.）. As far as I am concerned, one piece of deliberate blueprint can make sure youth get through their way to success more systemically and face the future more confidently (这里你应该明确表态你是否支持题目观点。记住，在全篇的托福作文中你也只能写25句话左右，而你的每一句话都要尽量扣主题，要么直接与主题挂钩，要么为陈述与主题有关的东西作铺垫，但在这里，开头的最后一句一定要与主题紧扣：I strongly advocate that…. 下面是我关于托福开头的总结，希望对你有所帮助：

在托福作文中，一般有4种形式的开头方式：1.简洁式的开头，例如：when I asked about the use of the cell phone in the public, I should say that the use of cell phone in public places should be limited, and the reasons go as follows.。这种开头的好处在于你只需要将原题目改写一遍即可，不需要花太多时间，坏处在于如此以来你就必须保证你的主体段落的字数和精彩程度。2. 模版式的开头，虽然各大论坛上的模版个不相同，但其骨架都大同小异, 例如： Colleges are places for knowledge, providing wisdom as well as opportunities, currently, a widespread controversy concerning the function of colleges has aroused the public attention, although a fair portion of people argues that people go to college solely for the sake of study. Yet, from my personal perspective, I strongly agree that people go to college for various other than a single reason. 这是我根据185的第一题写的一个模版开头，自认为还是比较标准，由此你应该可以看到模版开头是一个什么样子。3. 排比式的开头：很难写的一种开头方式，虽然我们中国学生在高考的时候曾将其驾轻就熟，但是中国的排比和外国的排比是不一样。写得很好的排比到目前为止我还没有见到，你可以参照新概念英语4的Galileo Reborn中的第二段，了解什么是英文式的排比。 4. shocking statement: 这是我用的开头方式，也是我个人比较推崇的开头方式。这种开头有个总体策略：General---Specific---- General, 即开头就说一个很简短，很不可思议的remark, 然后是一个具体的东西，最后鲜明地阐述自己的观点. 例如这个题目： travel alone or travel in a group, which one do you prefer? 用shocking statement就这样开头： Travelling alone is the only way to travel (shocking remark! And general). When I went to London last year for my unforgettable vacation, I used to immerse myself in the peaceful music alone; watching kids wondering around in the streets; drinking coffee at a small café shop, enjoying my time alone (specific). Transparently, the basic concept of travelling, at least it seems to me, is to do what one likes, and in this sense, travelling alone serves as the optimal choice (general again). 因此你的开头就给考官留下了很深的印象。以前我给别人改的开头通常偏向1，2两种，现在我希望大家也能尝试写第4种开头。）

First of all, a wholesome plan can help young people who have ambitions for the future systemically （First of all, serving as a wise guide, a plan can help the young generation in terms of doing everyday work.）. By conducting a specific plan, we are able to know the load of work we should do everyday which leads to a effective lifestyle (With the assistance of a specific plan, we are able to live in “day-tight” compartments, making it possible for us to cope with everyday problems and tasks.). Take my experience for example. When I was due to a dissertation for my undergraduate, it was a three months period of preparation. It was a detailed plan that played an tremendous emphasis on my project preparation. I conceived a plan and printed it out which was adhered on my room wall. A series of job was undertaken systemically, gathering background information , analyzing, drawing dissertation outline, etc, every procedure was ordered and effective. The ultimately wonderful feedback from my supervisor let me believe that a good plan is fundamental for the whole project. (例子写得很到位！继续努力！)

In addition, one person can feel confident when he makes certain progress through a careful plan. Chasing success is a sustaining or even torturous process, somewhat little achievements or progress would enable people to advance continuously. For instance, my older brother, who was ready for study abroad, was undertaking a thorny feeling to recite GRE words. At first place, he tried to memorize these horrible words by hard working except for (instead of更恰当) a careful plan. Given that diligent work was taken （有语法错误，注意一下）, it was hardly (=scarcely) possible to remember tons of words without a careful plan. Consequently, I advised him to make a detailed plan and utilize an efficient method to conquer the hard works. Only several days later was my brother excieted by the progress and kept sticking to the plan more confidently. One useful plan makes the tedious hard work more handy (好！).

In conclusion, making good plan is indispensable for young people who are passionate or enthusiastic towards the prosperous future. People can fulfill their goals step by step, and also obtain confidence from every progress in the way towards successful future.

（你的这篇文章应该可以得到4.5到4.75这样的分数， 我觉得你还有一定的提高空间：
1.         你的打字质量。 你的错字有点多， 建议平时练习的时候在写字板上写， 然后复制到微软文档里面， 开启纠错功能， 过一段时间打字质量就会上去。
2.         你的开头， 你可以看看我写在后面的开头总结， 希望对你有所帮助。）

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-4 12:49 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

tongjin_ztj

楼主能否帮我修改文章,结尾不满意,觉得字数太少,但又不知该加什么,望点拨,不甚感激.
题目:人们上大学的原因

College is a place that people can gain (attain 比gain 和obtain都要好) knowledge and experiences in it. Of course （口语化，尽量避免，改成inarguably）, different people have different reasons to attend college. For example, some people want to go on a further study after they graduate from high school; some people hope to find a good job after studying at college, and also some people hope to change their present situation through learning at (in) university. In my opinion, no matter what reason people go to college for, attending college is mainly a preparation for future life.

（在托福作文中，一般有4种形式的开头方式：1.简洁式的开头，例如：when I asked about the use of the cell phone in the public, I should say that the use of cell phone in public places should be limited, and the reasons go as follows.。这种开头的好处在于你只需要将原题目改写一遍即可，不需要花太多时间，坏处在于如此以来你就必须保证你的主体段落的字数和精彩程度。2. 模版式的开头，虽然各大论坛上的模版个不相同，但其骨架都大同小异, 例如： Colleges are places for knowledge, providing wisdom as well as opportunities, currently, a widespread controversy concerning the function of colleges has aroused the public attention, although a fair portion of people argues that people go to college solely for the sake of study. Yet, from my personal perspective, I strongly agree that people go to college for various other than a single reason. 这是我根据185的第一题写的一个模版开头，自认为还是比较标准，由此你应该可以看到模版开头是一个什么样子。3. 排比式的开头：很难写的一种开头方式，虽然我们中国学生在高考的时候曾将其驾轻就熟，但是中国的排比和外国的排比是不一样。写得很好的排比到目前为止我还没有见到，你可以参照新概念英语4的Galileo Reborn中的第二段，了解什么是英文式的排比。 4. shocking statement: 这是我用的开头方式，也是我个人比较推崇的开头方式。这种开头有个总体策略：General---Specific---- General, 即开头就说一个很简短，很不可思议的remark, 然后是一个具体的东西，最后鲜明地阐述自己的观点. 例如这个题目： travel alone or travel in a group, which one do you prefer? 用shocking statement就这样开头： Travelling alone is the only way to travel (shocking remark! And general). When I went to London last year for my unforgettable vacation, I used to immerse myself in the peaceful music alone; watching kids wondering around in the streets; drinking coffee at a small café shop, enjoying my time alone (specific). Transparently, the basic concept of travelling, at least it seems to me, is to do what one likes, and in this sense, travelling alone serves as the optimal choice (general again). 因此你的开头就给考官留下了很深的印象。以前我给别人改的开头通常偏向1，2两种，现在我希望大家也能尝试写第4种开头。）

First of all, students can gain new knowledge from the study at college. Many teachers, professors with abundant teaching experience are capable of teaching students new knowledge and helping them to solve the problems in their study. With their help (guild替换 help), students can learn a large amount of basic and professional knowledge that is very helpful for their future work.
Moreover, there are a large number of programs offered by university for students to be trained for a job. University often runs the programs by cooperating with many very large companies, so the managers from those companies could give students some practical courses such as how to run a company, how to lead your group to finish the work, how to cope with some problems, and how to be more confident as well as what kind of employee the company may prefer. These courses are quite useful, especially for those who want to get a job after graduation.
(For one thing, knowledge and wisdom colleges boast is a main point appealing to the young generation. Colleges students are able to attain academic skills as well as vivid and comprehensive view of the world, guided by knowledgeable professors and scholars. Moreover, when it comes to future job hunting, colleges also put their students in favorable positions in the future job market--- currently, there is no shortage of job-training courses in colleges and students will be fully prepared before they take jobs. To cope with practical problems in companies, many colleges even begin to cooperate with some international companies to promote students’ practical skills. In this sense, colleges benefit students a lot in term of finding jobs. 你的主体段很好，逻辑性也很强。我这里写的主体段是为了进一步打磨语言。)

In addition, good jobs more often than not are given to people with higher education. Take myself for example. I am from countryside where few people have an opportunity to go to university. Those  who did not study at college have to go to work early in a small factory in a small town or on a farm in their hometown. Just because I have received higher education, I am able to obtain better chances to work in capital where a large number of people want to work.
（我觉得这里你完全可以换一个观点进行阐释，一直围绕找工作来说，考官也许会烦。也就是说，你的观点需要进一步提升。关于提高字数的问题，你可以在写一个让步段，字数自然就上去了。如果作者有时间，可以参看帖子作文修改小超人  14区里面我写的一篇写作总结，或许对你有所帮助。）

In a word, attending university is a good way to increase one’s knowledge and offer a special experience to prepare for future.

（结尾写成这样就可以了，考官不太重视结尾，所以你不要太在意。）

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-1 13:00 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

covernigga

楼主有空的话帮我看看吧，谢啦

Building a new movie theater is unwise

Currently, an increasing number of people in our neighborhood are coming to debate whether it is appropriate to build a movie theater here as recently announced. With their statements highlighted on newspapers and voice in TV news, those who favor the new construction believe there will be growing happiness in their daily lives as the great convenience for them to enjoy fascinating movies arrives at their own block. This appears, at least in my opinion （at least it seems to me）, to be a plausible assumption were it not for two factors.
（在托福作文中，一般有4种形式的开头方式：1.简洁式的开头，例如：when I asked about the use of the cell phone in the public, I should say that the use of cell phone in public places should be limited, and the reasons go as follows.。这种开头的好处在于你只需要将原题目改写一遍即可，不需要花太多时间，坏处在于如此以来你就必须保证你的主体段落的字数和精彩程度。2. 模版式的开头，虽然各大论坛上的模版个不相同，但其骨架都大同小异, 例如： Colleges are places for knowledge, providing wisdom as well as opportunities, currently, a widespread controversy concerning the function of colleges has aroused the public attention, although a fair portion of people argues that people go to college solely for the sake of study. Yet, from my personal perspective, I strongly agree that people go to college for various other than a single reason. 这是我根据185的第一题写的一个模版开头，自认为还是比较标准，由此你应该可以看到模版开头是一个什么样子。3. 排比式的开头：很难写的一种开头方式，虽然我们中国学生在高考的时候曾将其驾轻就熟，但是中国的排比和外国的排比是不一样。写得很好的排比到目前为止我还没有见到，你可以参照新概念英语4的Galileo Reborn中的第二段，了解什么是英文式的排比。 4. shocking statement: 这是我用的开头方式，也是我个人比较推崇的开头方式。这种开头有个总体策略：General---Specific---- General, 即开头就说一个很简短，很不可思议的remark, 然后是一个具体的东西，最后鲜明地阐述自己的观点. 例如这个题目： travel alone or travel in a group, which one do you prefer? 用shocking statement就这样开头： Travelling alone is the only way to travel (shocking remark! And general). When I went to London last year for my unforgettable vacation, I used to immerse myself in the peaceful music alone; watching kids wondering around in the streets; drinking coffee at a small café shop, enjoying my time alone (specific). Transparently, the basic concept of travelling, at least it seems to me, is to do what one likes, and in this sense, travelling alone serves as the optimal choice (general again). 因此你的开头就给考官留下了很深的印象。以前我给别人改的开头通常偏向1，2两种，现在我希望大家也能尝试写第4种开头。）
To begin with, our tranquil community will be ruined by the countless customers flocking from everywhere in this city to the movie theater (excellent!). The peace that the community embraces now, and that a comfortable living environment should always have, will be swept ruthless away; and no benefits of cutting off housing fees or improvements in utilities, if there are some – which I take leave to doubt (新4都用上了，不错！), can compensate for such losses in character suffered by our block. It is really easy for us to predict how the noise, caused by coming people’s loud conversation and laugh or leaving people’s excited (exciting) discussion and even crying near the theater, will bother us. Furthermore, since most customers may drive here or make use of urban public transportation systems, beginning at about 8 in the morning and ending at later than 10 at night, the whole block will be covered with roars of buses and horns of cars. Thus, it will be the roars and the horns that change our sunny daily life into unbearable nightmares.
(你的主体段相当精彩，而且很多东西和新概念英语的文风接近，说明作者的水平已经相当的高了。不过整体下来还是有一个小缺陷。如果作者细心研习过新概念，就应该发现它当中很多都是长句，特别是新4，如在它的47课the Great Escape中，除了开头，全文很少有简单句。而文章中之所以要用长句，是因为主题相对复杂。我觉得在托福作文中，作者要将简单句和复杂句有机结合。比如你的第二句，直接说noise will bother us constantly。)
Equally important, matching the predictable bothering noise which is worthy of serious concern is the possible insecurity brought by the new theater into the block (改写：Equally important, possible insecurity, like the predictable bothering noise, is also a problem necessary to be considered. 注意，中国人喜欢用定语从句，但是老外并不太喜欢。). That the larger the amount of influx of people, the more insecure our community will be is undoubted （excellent!）. Among the strangers coming from everywhere, according to the common experience of nearly all public places, may be some thieves, swindlers, or even robbers who are seldom seen here today and who may bring much delinquency or even many crises here then. Taken into account by us now is the possible inconvenience imposed into our daily life that wandering in our own community should be always with special attention to private items and with fear of unfriendliness of strangers.

When the advantages and disadvantages of building a new movie theater in our neighborhood are carefully compared, the most striking finding is self-evident. Without the theater, we may lose some convenience to enjoy a specific type of entertainment, but the peace in our block will be held as it was and it is; we may lose some pleasure brought by popcorns, but the security in our block will be maintained as it was and it is, to grasp more happiness, than the mere convenience of seeing films can do, for us.

(最后再加一个结尾：

Consequently, according to the discussion above, I can safely draw the conclusion that it is unwise to build a movie theatre in our community.)

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-1 13:01 编辑 ]

lucy0207UID: 2344434

小超人， 不好意思 又打扰你了:)  
帮我一下好吗
  
thanx very much !!

Topic : which room do you think is the most important one in your house? Use special examples to illustrate your answer.


Which room is the most important one in your house? The answers vary from person to person, some believe that it would be the living room, while others, on the other hand, consider bedroom is rather important. From my personal perspective, I would argue that the bathroom would definitely be the most important one in our daily life.
The first point I want to mention is that bathroom is the room which can directly reflect your standard of cleanliness and hygiene. When you visit a friend's room, perhaps you would not see the bedroom, the kitchen , or the study，yet you will use the bathroom consequentially . If the bathroom is in a mess, with toilet paper all around the floor, and the dirty and smelly toilet ，how would you feel ? On the contrary, if his bathroom is orderly and tiny, with a faint scent, I am sure you would regard him with a quite different view. Thus a neat bathroom would absolutely help us make a good impression on people, especially on strangers. What’s more, the bathroom's sanitation is crucial for the health of the whole family, for it keeps us away from diseases.
In addition, the bathroom is so quite that it is a suitable place for reading. Though our life quality has been improved a great deal, our feeling of exhaustion is stronger than ever. Accordingly, relaxation is very important, especially for people who spend much time concentrating on their daily work. Fortunately, I find a sound way to relax myself-- reading in the bathroom. I always keep one book or two in my bathroom, its quietude makes me clam down, and enable me to enjoy the solitude freely. To be frank, I have finished the thick book << Gone with the Wind>> in my bathroom.
To sum up, given those sagacious reasons which are discussed above, I hence reinforce my standpoint to choose bathroom as the most important room in my house. Meanwhile, I will also keep the bedroom and living room tidy, make sure the whole house a comfortable home.

fannsaUID: 2391277

Many people have learned a foreign language in their own country .others have learned a foreign language in the country in which it is spoken.

With the globalization trade trend, people are busy studying foreign languages these days. Some people study a foreign language in their own country while some choose to do the study in a foreign country. It is hard to say which one is better, each of them has its own advantages and defects.

Study in the home country is very convenient and money saving. If you study domestic ,you might just sign in a course in the language school and then  go to the class 4times a week .Since you are familiar with the environment ,you do not have to spend a lot of time dealing with the different life style. Besides ,you don’t have to pay for the fly and renting money if you choose the domestic school. However, the drawbacks are that you can not study the language thoroughly when you stay in your own country where people around you never speak the language that you are studying. It is not possible that you can practice the oral after school. This will definitely  make your study lack of efficiency.

On the contrary, study abroad is money consuming .You have to spend maybe ten or twenty folds of money for the tuition compare to the money you have to spend in your home country. Besides ,you have to pay for the rent and the food and other necessity in daily life .Nevertheless, I still prefer to study abroad. Studying abroad is an unique ,exciting, valuable and precious experience. You can not only learn the foreign language but you can also make lots of friends in a different country. Study the foreign language in a foreign country accelerates your progress since people around you are native speakers ,you do the practice unconsciously every minutes you spend there. If you have to spend 2 years learning a foreign language in your own country, you can just make it within half a year in the foreign country.

panni0119UID: 2349235

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to be a member of a group than to be the leader of a group.


Everyone have the experience of taking part in some group, maybe everyone have the puzzle for whether should strive to become a leader. I am inclined to become a leader of a group. As a leader, we can understand the importance of the duty, we can have chance to come ture our dream, the most important, it will improve ourselves on many aspects.

Firstly, becoming a leader can teach us to be responsible. There is no doult that the leader have to make the decision for the whole group, therefore, the leader should be responsible for the consequence. For example, the leader of a company make a plan for the future of the whole company, if the plan is correct, the leader will get financial profit and honer, on the other hand, if the plan is unsuccessful, the company can not avoid the loss of money, even be bankrupt, the decision-maker should be also punished for his plan. Therefore we can understand the concept of duty better, it is very useful for our future.

Secondly, as a leader, we can come true our dream and ideality. There is no doult that noly leaders have the right to decide, other's duty is follow whether this decision is right or wrong. I think, for most people, they will feel terrible if their logical advice can not be accepted.

Thirdly, playing the role of leader can improve our ability. As a competent leader, he or she need to do the best in this group, especially for special groups, the leader should have plenty of special knowledge and experience. For being convinced by group members, the leaders have to try their best to advance them. Not only the knowledge should be plentiful, but the ability of harmonizing is also essential. As a leader of a group, it is far from enough to improve themsleves, they should make everyone of the group progress. A competent learder should harmonize the relationship between the members, find out everyone's advantage and disadvantage, bring everyone's energy into play. Football capture is a good example of leader, during the match, the capture has the most skilled technology to lead the whole team to attack and defend; in the resting room the capture need to control others' emotion, when the score is behind, the capture should encourage his members not to give up, when the score is advanced, the capture should awake members not to underestimate the enemy.

In a word, being a leader of a group has more advantages than a member. Being a leader can make ue understand the concept of responsibility better, do something that we like without the limitation of others. The last but not the least, motivate ourselves to do better.

lqzcljlUID: 2312402

谢谢了~~~
136. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing a game is fun only when you win. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

We humans start to play games since we are born. In my view, games are not only played by children, many activities in the world might be considered as games, such as career, education and contests. Games exist through our whole life; or maybe life itself is a big game. One may not win every time he or she plays a game, but one is able to enjoy every game he/she plays. So I would not agree that playing a game is fun only when you win.

Like we do not live for eating, the original purpose for games is not to win. The process of a game itself is very interesting no matter whether we win or not. This could be verified on children. It is human nature for children's being fond of games as they are happy in games. What children cherish in a game is not winning but the process they experience. They are able to make friends, interact with each other, build responsibility and learn experience through the process. So even when children do not win in games, they would still be happy as they enjoy the time of being with each other.

Wining is not the goal of playing at all. However, if a person believes that playing is fun only when he/she wins, he may play games only for winning and lose all the pleasure of games eventually. We play games to relax, to release our stress and to enjoy the time. When a goal of winning is set to a game, one would only focus on this and ignore all other features of the game. This behavior will just lead us to the opposite. We desire winning in a game to be fun, but we ignore the main characteristics and finally could not get the piece of fun at last whether we win or not.

Winning a game could bring us fun, but it is not the whole. On the contrary, if all attention is focused on wining, there will be no fun at all. It should be remembered that we play games for enjoying the process and learning through the experience, and it is these elements that actually give us fun in games.

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

zheng0309

need your help

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement
Teachers are responsible for motivating students to learn


Some people agree with the opinion of motivating students in the class  in order to help students to learn. Others on the other hand contradict it. As far as I’m concerned I would support the former one. (在正式的英文写作中，所有的缩写都要变成全写， as far as I am concerned!)

Firstly, the reason I strongly comment on the opinion is that the limited learning skills grasped by students (有语法错误，应该去掉that). Majority of students have confused in the classes especially when the subject is complex,  they don’t know how to accept the knowledge (they have trouble understanding what their teacher say.), what they eagerly need is someone who are familiar with the subject well and help to tell them the quick way to understand it.

What’s more (In addition), there is still another significant thing (point) to mention . teacher is the most professional person . There’s an example to shed light on my point. When I was in the high school, my math was entirely poor, and I began (to) give up (I have an inclination to give up), my thinking (thought) was that maybe I was more stupid than (not as smart as other students, 这是老外比较接受地表达方式。) others in this area, so it’s time to stop working on it, at that time, my math teacher call me to her office (asked me to come to her office) and asked the reason, after knowing the answer she laughed (smiled, 两者是有区别的) for a while then she said I had a good score in English and music ,how can I be stupid ? she eventually encouraged me go on working hard on math and could ask any question to her if I had a problem. Today I really appreciate about the word given by her （I really appreciate her words, 注意语言的简洁性！） that with her suggestion I’ve passed all math exam which especially help me to enter the college I have always dreamed of.

Teacher’s motivations which can be a word ,an ask even a smile mean a lot to the student who are eager in knowledge or struggling with trouble , a teacher who do the good job in motivation is the teacher who are responsible for students.

(可能作者是最近才开始准备托福考试，对于托福的写作不是太了解。我没有很详细的修改你的作文，是因为我想建议你一些方法，这比一开始就写作文更有效：

背单词：单词是阅读和写作的基础，没有它，这两个板块很难提高。

多看范文：建议李笑来的蓝色185 高分作文，很不错。论坛上就有，你可以直接去下，在托福资料下载大门里面。)

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-1 13:03 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

我口语打算用的素材，但总觉得语法什么的有点错。请好心人帮忙修改一下，不胜感激。
Well, the place I enjoy the most is a scenic area named Tianshan mountain located in China. I like the scenic area (that beautiful area 该口语化的东西一定要口语化) beacause it has very charming mountain view. I mean the sky there is so blue and the mountain is so majestic and around the majestic mountain there is clear and shallow water that you can see some lovely fishes and and green water plants in it. You know how magical it can ever be,just relax yourself in the mountain. Of course I like the scenic area also because there are customs stores under the mountain. They sale the beautiful national dress (traditional dress) and national musical instruments (traditional instruments). The most important, I recognize my best friend here. And whenever we stay together, we will have the perfect idea.
（其实我在准备口语段子的时候有一个原则，就是那些口语段子在平时练习的时候一定要在30-35就能说完。 因为真实考试的时候你不一定碰到原题， 碰到类似的题目你是需要先过度一下的。 所以准备的时候就不要准备45秒的段子， 35秒左右的就可以了。）

luckychinaUID: 2131861

1017机经题.大学生是否应该学习至少一门别国文化的课程


Why, you may wonder, some college students have wider view about the globalization than others, and some nations have more harmonious position contacting with others? In fact, courses on different cultures are of importance to both students and the whole world.


No one neglect the fact that there has been an unconvertible trend to the rapid pace of globalization. At least one course about another culture would definitely help students to know more about a different culture, history, customs and many other interesting stuff and widen their horizon, which is essential to their future career. It is said that college students nowadays can be divided into two classes: first, those who can easily recite thousands of formulas and equations on science and mathematics fluently, while know little about the current situation at the age of change; second, those who pay attention to the latest information and keep pace with the modern society besides the major study. Of those the first are the majority. They have their own compensation. Their high scores in exams are praised by teachers, top ranks in the class are envied by peers, and their entry to outstanding universities is also their parents' pride. But Fortune's favorite children are none other than the second class. Their life is a natural harmony. Those with much stored knowledge about different cultures would never lack topics with any acquaintances they come across, never lack the opportunity to be recognized by the majorities and never lack the chances to succeed in their life. Otherwise, it is too late, for example, for a student who has not access to any courses about other cultures to be laughed at when he or she makes some silly mistakes about the world history. Therefore, so great is our curiosity to a huge range of knowledge that college students had better to learn more about other cultures.


In terms of social level, the reason mentioned below seems to be advisable and deserves more consideration. Such courses on different cultures would not only bring with a better life of promising future to students, but also improve mutual understanding of various countries, decrease the misunderstanding between two nations, and maintain the world peace, which is one of the most two pressing issues in today's world. For instance, for a student majored in international trade, chances to export Chinese tea to the United States might be very large. If she or he has never taken any classes about American culture, the culture conflicts in the negotiation is likely to occur, which might results in another international trade conflicts. Thus, course on different cultures would be necessary to keep the world peace.


In conclusion, a course on different cultures which might only take 45 minutes a day would make a significant effect on the students' future life, and the world peace.


Word Count: 470

[ 本帖最后由 luckychina 于 2007-10-21 12:15 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

lucy0207

thanx very much !!

Topic : which room do you think is the most important one in your house? Use special examples to illustrate your answer.


Which room is the most important one in your house? The answers vary from person to person, some believe that it would be the living room, while others, on the other hand, consider bedroom is rather important. From my personal perspective, I would argue that the bathroom would definitely be the most important one in our daily life.

（你的开头是不错的，但我的建议是如果遇到类似的难写的题目，我一般会采取简洁式的开头，即： If you ask me which room means most important to me, I would say undoubtedly that it is bathroom, and the reason goes follows. 因为我觉得如果遇到这样的问题，开头往往是最难写的，在考场上时间有限，你的主体段也需要well-developed。）

The first point I want to mention is that bathroom is the room which can directly reflect your standard of cleanliness and hygiene （excellent! 观点被很清楚地阐明了！）. When you visit a friend's room, perhaps you would not see the bedroom, the kitchen , or the study，yet you will use the bathroom consequentially . If the bathroom is in a mess, with toilet paper all around the floor, and the dirty and smelly toilet ，how would you feel ? On the contrary, if his bathroom is orderly and tiny, with a faint scent, I am sure you would regard him with a quite different view. Thus a neat bathroom would absolutely help us make a good impression on people, especially on strangers. What’s more （what is more =moreover, furthermore）, the bathroom's sanitation is crucial for the health of the whole family, for it keeps us away from diseases.

In addition, the bathroom is so quite that it is a suitable place for reading （我觉得这可能是比较偏个人化的观点，因为很多人不在bathroom 里读书。所以你最好加一句， For my own preference）. Though our life quality has been improved a great deal, our feeling of exhaustion is stronger than ever. Accordingly, relaxation is very important (=of importance), especially for people who spend much time concentrating on their daily work. Fortunately, I find a sound way to relax myself-- reading in the bathroom. I always keep one book or two in my bathroom, its quietude makes me clam down, and enable me to enjoy the solitude freely. To be frank, I have finished the thick book << Gone with the Wind>> in my bathroom.

To sum up (sum up 用在很长的研究报告后面，所以在这里不太适合。 In conclusion就可以了), given those sagacious (这个词有点过，你直接用personal吧) reasons which are discussed above, I hence reinforce my standpoint to choose bathroom as the most important room in my house. Meanwhile, I will also keep the bedroom and living room tidy, make sure the whole house a comfortable home.

(这个题目本身不好写，但是你仍然可以写得这样清楚，很好。不过你要注意你的格式。我以前对你说过所有的缩写要全写吧？！你一定要注意！还有，如果你是在考前，应该注意练习agree/disagree的问题，最好用机经写。加油！)