作文修改小超人（停止修改）

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities. Use specific reasons and details to explain your opinion.

Recently, there comes along with a debate on a live TV program called INTERVIEW in CCTV-9 channel regarding the mass media influences toward personal life of famous people. Some people argue that Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media have affected the public figures' personal life, while others insists that it is those famous people that make the compelling news that is more or less something worth to publish to the public. Despite assorted effusions to the contrary, from my perspective, however, the mass media is to some extent catering for the taste or interest the public have the inclination to keep an eye on public figures.(开头已经很不错了.)

Admittedly, being exposure to the mass media frequently, celebrities and public figures will have to more or less conceal their personal lives from the public, which apparently affect their daily lives. A Chinese singer Na Ying, who recently confronted a dilemma that if she should continue her career or give birth to her new child and escape from the public eyes (For instance,  A Chinese singer NaYing--- also a pregnant woman--- is considering whether she should escape from the focus of the general public attention) In order to keep reporters away, she announced that she would take a break for a little while until she felt comfortable to pursue her career once again. This example is suffice to show that being a celebrity, he or she has to deal with the trade off - continuing glorious career while sacrificing the personal lives or going back to ordinary life as the public do.

Any forms of media overtly publish news of celebrities will undeniably deprived them of private affairs (their privacy) , however, it is part of the components that combine together into celebrities' lives, both the career and their personal lives (However, dealing with the mass media as well as newspaper interview are parts of their daily lives.) . On the one hand, it is driven by the public that hold curiosity about everything including personal lives about celebrities. Once one admires a public figure, say David Beckham, he or she could probably be attracted by his fantastic skills he demonstrates on the soccer games. What is more appealing? Probably most people would say his beautiful partner, Victoria Beckham, who is also a famous person in music industry. How their marriage goes, how they spend their leisure time, and how they grow their kids? (Many people could not conceal their curiosity upon the famous figures, say, David Beckham, although David is well known for his excellent soccer skills, most people tend to be crazy about his physical outlook. And it is his private life that attracts most of the public attention: how his marriage goes; how does he spend his leisure time; how does he cultivate his kids, and so forth. 这里的修改我是以简洁性为主. 因为我觉得这比较贴近我的真实考试时的写法.)   The mass media provides the accessibility for the public to be a fan of their idols. On the other hand, celebrities have been used to be constantly exposure to the public eyes and they take the advantage of the mass media to do marketing of themselves. One recent survey shows that one celebrity who shows up more than 5 times a month would have get more attention from the public than one who shows up less than 2 times. Thus, the more frequently a public figure is appear in any forms of media, the more famous he or she will be.

Generally speaking, whenever you open your TV or surf the news on the internet, the mass media is always filled with news of public figures. Nevertheless, it is hard to blame the mass media that has paid too much attention on those celebrities. What the mass media could do is to take a deep look on the value of every piece of news that could eventually publish to the public.

(你的作文已经没有什么问题了，有问题的地方我都尽量修改了。因为你马上就要考试了，我建议你现在开始用你的模版在定时写作的软件上练习, 这个软件论坛里面有.
加油!!)  

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

各位，因为我11.3 号还有一次托福考试，所以可能不能花太多时间在作文上，如果没有改到大家的作文， 望见谅！！！:)
大家可以去看看我的其他帖子，希望对大家有所帮助。

Dance_4uUID: 2340664

楼主人真好，帮顶了

lqzcljlUID: 2312402

唉。真可惜
我27号就要考了
感觉自己写的作文还是没谱啊

嘻游天使UID: 2246330

感谢下小超人帮我改的每篇作文
第一篇几乎是每段都改
到后面几乎没有什么可以修改
可能第一篇被改的受了刺激吧~ 之后开始揣摩自己的写作模版
这个过程很受益，虽然写作功底还需要加强练习，这个等明年的g作文时候再提高吧
现在只能靠仅限的词汇量和作文框架去应试了。。。

谢谢小超人。11T再次有飞跃。我也努力！这几天作文我就自己改巴。。。无奈:o

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

jennycat (jennycat)

超人大哥  很感谢你上次对我作文的点评！！！我这两天看了下许轶的满分作文   重新写了一篇习作  希望能再次得到你的指点  不甚感激！！！

作文题库第一题
New academic year again, a large number of freshmen influx into my university with their ponderous luggage. When watching their exciting and curious expression on their faces, a question came to my mind: Why people attend college? What particular thing (goals) they seek for (What particular goals do they want to achieve?)? After deliberating (thinking 就可以了) it deeply, I conclude three main aspects of reasons：getting credential for a decent job, acquiring more knowledge and striving to be a well-being person （excellent! 这样的开头很好，继续保持！！）.

First of all, in nowadays China, the desire for finding an excellent job after graduation is the primal cause for young people to study on the campus . There is no denying the fact that China has the largest population in the world. The more free labors in the job market, the fiercer the competition is. If you have not been to the job market, you can not imagine how crowd there, even the simple works with low pay (even manual jobs with low salaries are not available for all people.) attracts dozens of people. Maybe the only method of obtaining (attaining 比 obtaining 更好。) a fine position with satisfactory income is to acquire the knowledge few persons know or master the skills hardly can people perform. Such knowledge and skills are all provided in the college or university. After one get his or her diploma in a special subject, such as medicine and (or) engine (engineering), he or she can easily beat other applicants who did not receive professional training before (最后这句话貌似有点绝对，建议改成：he or she may be then in a more favorable position in the job market.).

Second (in addition), another critical reason why people attend college is to broaden their horizon (another points motivating the young generations to attend college is their desire to broaden their horizons.), explore more about the world. Take me for example, if I can not get a chance to pursue the major of medicine, I might not be aware of (因为这里是单纯的知识，所以用learn 最恰当， be aware of 还有一种人文气息在里面。比如global awareness, 再比如Avril 的第一张专辑里的第一首歌的第一句lyric: Are you aware of what you made me feel.) something in my entire life: What measures can be taken to prevent one from serious epidemics, how some mixtures of food can turn out to be poison, not to mention rescue patients' lives at emergency. All the professional education (higher education: 高等教育) I got was passed down by my tutors or books in university’s library.

In addition (To such motives, yet another must be added.), people not only pursue academic lives on campus, but also prospect for opportunities to develop good personality as preparation for future job. We cope with difficult problems or conflicts between our roommates and me then we could deal easily with the resemble situation in work place ; (这句话人称有些混淆，好象有些词不达意，建议改成： We develop our interpersonal skills when we get along with our classmates and roommates, and during these time we get awareness of friendship and cooperation, making ourselves more capable when we contact our colleagues in the company.)the experience of communicating with our professor can lead us to better association with our future boss.
All in all, thanks to knowledge and practice one obtain in college, he or she is preparing for a better future.

(你的文章整体有进步，句式也开始富于变化，这些都是很好的地方。整篇文章的分数应该在4.25-4.5 左右。你的优势： 1.开头很好，没有模版的套路，给考官一种新鲜的感觉。 2. 条理很清晰，全文三点，三点有各自独立，使文章很有说服力。你的不足： 1. 上下文的衔接词语比较生硬。虽然你原文的衔接是可以用的，但显得很呆板，所以我作了替换。 2. 语言积累要进一步加强。你的文章中有几个词语，比如obtain就用到多次，这其实是不好的，词语尽量不要重复使用，当然这其中不包括一些常用词和题目中的词语。在平时练习的时候多注意积累词汇替换，将来有用！ )

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

我改作文是这个样子，只是希望大家的作文都能有所提高。
近来我发现大家的作文都进步很大。 我很高兴啊！！  说实话自己还有那么一点点成就感，感觉自己帮助了别人。
:)

嘻游天使UID: 2246330

恩！
小小超人比较乐于帮助。看过你给其他人修改的文章同样受益
继续努力！一起努力！

jennycatUID: 2201632

:loveliness: 超人大哥，真的很谢谢你，我会继续努力的～～～你一定会好人好报的！！！

lqzcljlUID: 2312402

超人是很忙啊
可是我想问一下，为什么不给我改呢，是我写的太烂了？:eek:
不好意思啊，我不是想故意耽误你的时间的
还是我发帖格式不对？

很抱歉打扰你

话说27号就要考了，我现在挺紧张的
希望可以得到别人的意见。。。。。

谢谢:loveliness:

lqzcljlUID: 2312402

原帖由 嘻游天使 于 2007-10-23 14:45 发表
感谢下小超人帮我改的每篇作文
第一篇几乎是每段都改
到后面几乎没有什么可以修改
可能第一篇被改的受了刺激吧~ 之后开始揣摩自己的写作模版
这个过程很受益，虽然写作功底还需要加强练习，这个等明年的g作 ...

可是为什么超人在帮你改的时候却没有帮我改，要按顺序来的话也该改到我了啊
我只是想确定下我是不是被鄙视了:eek:

嘻游天使UID: 2246330

超人弟弟太忙了
我也就发过三篇，后面的几篇我要叮嘱他才贴上来。。。
所以，谅解一下吧~
我决定这几天自己改，其实看他之前改过的文章也可以学习的！
认真研究下他前面修改的习作吧
加油~:loveliness:

文一的宝宝UID: 2413695

提纲：
1：众人分说进步的问题，我认为进步不能完全是好的
2：举进步在生态环境 战争 经济等方面体现出的弊端
3：总结进步是有益的不能被视为真理。
Do you agree or disagree that the progress is always good?
Nowadays, some people are saying that progress is always good but others have a negative attitude. As far as I am concerned we should determine whether it consistent with the background or not as well as its by-product. I agree with the statement that progress without consideration will bring a series of troubles. So I think progress is not always good. My arguments for these points as listed as follows.
To exemplify in detail, huge amounts of deforestation through industrialize way accelerates the process of losing soil nutrition and then break the nature balance.  Humans will pay a price for what we have done ultimately if this trend continues. Do we need a second Loess Plateau?
Not only that but also with the progress of science and technology weapon for military use become more and more brutal and even threatens the existence of human beings on the earth. When we see the children whom lost their homes because of the war the progress must to be condemned.

   Worst of all along with reform and opening up, in the past 30 years China's economy has greatly improved. Although the quality of people’s life has been seen great improvements but it also produced shortcomings. The variations in the rich and the poor level of the criminal acts can not become more progressive signs.
  Taking into account of all these factors we may reach the conclusion that progress is not always good. So we can not blindly on the development of which have negative impact on living things. Progress can not be regarded as absolute truth.





                                               Written by 文一的宝宝

文一的宝宝UID: 2413695

新手请超人指教

3630062560UID: 2375902

Subject: It is more important to work at a job that you enjoy than it is to earn a lot of money.
Right or Wrong ?




Although money has a great function in many situations, money is not ever thing. Money cannot buy kindness, friendship, love and also happiness. In my opinion, happiness is the most important and the most valuable. So I will choose the work that I enjoy rather than the one which earns more.

Once my father encounteren the same problem as what I has said. Because of his excellent working, he had a good chance to get a higher position in his company. However, it was not the job that he liked. He was caught in a dilemma. After thinking carefully, he eventually decided to go on his present work. Although he lost the opportunity to earn amount of money, he get more. He get the happiness. That’s one reason why I will choose the job I like.

However there are also someone who select the other choice, which is earning a lot of money. But as last, they lost their job because they work without joy. My neibour, who just lived next to my house, one day also had a chance to improve his working position. And he immediately get it ignoring whether it is his favoriate job or not. Some months later, he discovered that the job he was doing was not the one he was looking forward to. But he didn’t want to give it up. When he couldn’t bear it any more, he had to leave it. It is the result of unhappiness. Maybe at first you will not realize it, but as the time going, you will fill stronger and stronger about it and at last you can’t endure it any longer. That’s another reason why I choose the job I prefer.

In conclusion, happiness is more valuable than money. You can earn money at any time in you life, but you will come across to happiness at the right time. So when it comes to you, just take it, without thinking about other things, especially the money.


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