作文修改小超人（停止修改）

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

haomi

hi, kind superman, could you give me some advice about my composition?

Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants. Other people prefer to prepare and eat food at home. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There is a famous snack street locating around my home, in which supplying various of snacks, saying, clay oven rolls, oily bean surd, hot pot, and braised food, I can smell those pleasant scent even away 50meter; however, i still eager to go home to taste my mother’s dishes when i across this street in hungry, not only because our home cooking is more delicious, but also because the home cooking is cheaper and healthier. （能用这样的方式开头很不错，但作者的描写要进一步打磨。）

Firstly, it (there) is no deny that eating a dinner at a restaurant is much expensive than at home, since if we prepare a dinner at home, except for preparing enough material for cooking, we do not need to undertake management overhead, cost of table, chairs and utensils, and payment for cooker and waiter, on the contrast, the chief of restaurant will have to afford all of those expense, which definitely is spawn from the customers. Hence, I can save a lot of money to invest the thing I desire more by choosing eating at home.

(For one thing, eating at home serves as the better choice in terms of saving money. It is widely acknowledged that eating in the restaurant would be much more expensive considering the comfortably  extra services one will receive. On the contrary, if a person chooses to eat at home, s/he will, to some extent, manage to reduce the cost--- more things as there seem to be, s/he does not have to pay extra money for services, cutting the cost to a more acceptable degree. )

Another benefit I received from eating at home is health, because I have no certain about if the material cookers in the food stands used is as fresh, sanitary as my family used or not, if the oil they used is edible for us or not; furthermore, sometimes I complain that vegetable has been boiled too long, or they put too much oil in some dish, apparently those ways of cooking is not very healthy for us.

(这个理由我觉得不是很好，因为食品的质量问题在中国比较突出，但国外并不见得。这样一来，老外可能很难理解你为什么这样写，因为对这样的事情他们可能会觉得很陌生。所以我建议你的观点不要太趋向于地方化。)
The last but not least, cooking at home can also serve us entertainment. We can image how joyful it was when we discovery or invent a new recipe, how interesting the moment was when we share the cooking secrets with our friends and lovers, and how harmonious it was when we prepare a party with our family members together, that is the reason why I always insist my birthday should be held at home, rather at hotel.

（Last but not the least, in accordance with my own preference, cooking also serves as a way of entertainment to me. I became fond of cooking ever since my childhood and I have found the process of producing a dish wonderful: during the process I will immerse myself to every minute of cooking and I think it as a way to strengthen the family ties when family members get together to enjoy the meals at home. In this sense, I prefer to eating at home. 这是我重写的主体段，但我总觉得你的观点不太好写。你一定要注意这一点，因为在考场上如果你的观点选择不当，那么你的作文可能会发挥失常。保证作文分数稳定的要点就在于你的好的观点。你可以去看看我的精华帖，这一点我有详尽的阐述。）

Although I admit it is less time-consuming, more taste choice when we eating at food stands or restaurants, the advantages I have presented above still more convincing, therefore, I prefer to eating at home.

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

最近我一直在忙托福考试的事情，所以可能有些作文没有改到，望寄托们见谅！！！
还有，大家以后的作文就直接发到帖子里面来。
如果有什么写作问题，再用邮箱发。
这样比较好。

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

lqzcljl

能不能帮我也改一下？

谢谢了~~~
136. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing a game is fun only when you win. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

We humans start to play games since we are born. In my view, games are not only played by children, many activities in the world might be considered as games, such as career, education and contests. Games exist through our whole life; or maybe life itself is a big game. One may not win every time he or she plays a game, but one is able to enjoy every game he/she plays. So I would not agree that playing a game is fun only when you win.

(Games never cease to fascinate us human beings, they are kind of social activities that expressing our human nature. Throughout human histories, games are existed not only for children, but also for the grown-ups who are dealing with social issues from today till night. Currently, a widespread controversy concerning games arouse the public attention: when we play games, do we play only to win? Although a fair portion of people argues that games are fun solely for the winner, I do not agree with this statement.

这是我重写的开头段，但我觉得这重写的段落同样有毛病。我前面铺垫得太多，而你的开头也存在这样的问题。不过你可以看一下我的开头是怎样陈述的，或许对你有帮助。)

Like we do not live for eating, the original purpose for games is not to win （开头还是要有提示词语，使文章更有连贯性。比如for one thing） . The process of a game itself is very interesting no matter whether we win or not (The process of a game itself is interesting regardless of its result 尽量想办法精炼自己的语言，作文的水平就会越来越好。) . This could be verified on children. It is human nature for children's being fond of games as they are happy in games. What children cherish in a game is not winning but the process they experience （experience= undergo= undertake）. They are able to make friends, interact with each other, build responsibility and learn experience through the process. So even when children do not win in games, they would still be happy as they enjoy the time of being with each other.

(In addition) Wining is not the goal of playing at all (For a game , winning is not of most consequence) . However, if a person believes that playing is fun only when he/she wins, he may play games only for winning and lose all the pleasure of games eventually. We play games to relax, to release our stress and to enjoy the time. When a goal of winning is set to a game, one would only focus on this and ignore all other features of the game. This behavior will just lead us to the opposite. We desire winning in a game to be fun, but we ignore the main characteristics and finally could not get the piece of fun at last whether we win or not.

Winning a game could bring us fun, but it is not the whole. On the contrary, if all attention is focused on wining, there will be no fun at all. It should be remembered that we play games for enjoying the process and learning through the experience, and it is these elements that actually give us fun in games.

在加一个结尾： From the discussion above, I could safely draw the conclusion that winning is not everything for a game and playing a game is still fun if s/he losses.

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

chenhao861025

It is better to let a friend make a mistake than saying or doing something that would end the friendship.   As we know, most people consider friendship as their most valuable treasure, and they have a big thirst for it. However, some of them don’t know （缩写在英文中全部要全写， 比如I don’t know 要写成I do not know! 这一点一定要注意！） how to get along with their friends, sometimes their friendship is terminated just due to minor mistakes of  their friends. In my opinion, to be a true friend, one should forgive his/her friends after they make a mistake, and then help them to correct  it,  instead of useless complaint, which has devastating effect on friendship.(Most people could not deny the fact that life will be in a mass with the absence of friendship. Some people treat friendship as their most valuable treasure, while others are just friendship idiots: they have no idea how to strengthen, even maintain the friendship with others. In the point of my view, to be a true friend, tolerance is indispensable, for during daily communications disagreements is inevitable. And from my personal perspective, it is better to let a friend make a mistake than to take measures to end the friendship. 这个这是我重写的一个开头。你的开头本身就很有逻辑性，所以如果你要参考我的重写段落，建议注意一下我的语言。)

As common person, making mistake is unavoidable in everyone’s life. （For one thing, nothing is perfect, and no one is free from making mistakes.）  if  you  breaks up with your friends, just  because they have done something wrong that  offends  you or damages your benefit ,  I think there would be no one in the world who can be friends with you for a long time(if someone develops a “ habit” of breaking up with his/her friends whenever his/her friends make a mistake, chances are remote for him/her to maintain friendship with other people, thus the feel of lonely is all round.). A recent survey shows that  thirteen percent of students in university have trouble in getting along with their friends, obviously, the main reason for this phenomena is that they have too high expectation on their friends. The best solution to this problem is teachers should let students know the fact that the perfect person without any demerits doesn’t exist in the real world and encourage them to forgive their friends’ mistakes.

Moreover, compared with friendship, damage caused by your friends ,sometimes (插入语的正确使用， 插入语一般是to some extent, in this sense, to some degree, 诸如此类。), worths (means) nothing to us. It’s true that our friends’ mistakes can  bring trouble to us, for example, we  lose a large amount of money due to some mistakes of our friends.  Absolutely, money is of great importance to us, and we can’t  live without it. However, unlike to friendship  extremely difficult to get restored,  money can be easily earned again in the future. Therefore, when we have to choose one between money and friends, I think it’s more reasonable for us to choose friends.

In conclusion, as friendship, one of the best thing in the world, is invaluable to us,  we should try our best to cherish and maintain it. thus it’s a better choice to let a friend make a mistake, rather than break up with them.

(你的作文整体不错。 可以得到4.0-4.25的分数。 你的优势：1.观点比较好。 容易理解， 阐述也比较清楚。 2. 结构清晰。 每段都有比较清晰的目的。 你的不足：1.拼写， 你对英文的写作规则似乎不明晰。 一定要改正！2. 有些用词需要进一步改进。请作者细心比较一下我写的修改， 希望对你有所帮助。)

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

3630062560

超人大哥，帮我改下作文吧，谢谢

Subject: It is more important to work at a job that you enjoy than it is to earn a lot of money.Right or Wrong ?Although money has a great function in many situations, money is not ever thing. Money cannot buy kindness, friendship, love and also happiness. In my opinion, happiness is the most important and the most valuable. So I will choose the work that I enjoy rather than the one which earns more.（If you ask me what kind of jobs I would like to take, I would say that it is a job that I am interested in. Although it is to earn money for our daily financial support that motivates us to take jobs, it is not the most significant factor. Personally, I think that the statement that it is more important to work at a job that you enjoy than it is to earn a lot of money is right. 开头一定要清晰，而不一定要出彩。你的开头一开始实际是在陈述原因，这就犯了中国式思维的错误。如果开头不是直接切入主题，就应该提供一些 Background Information. 那种开头便类似于shocking statement, 你可以去看我前面给其他人改的帖子，有几篇里面对开头有专门的论述。）（前面在加一个你的论点。 就是你的主题句！ 你这一段到底想要讲什么， 一定要在一开始就讲出来， 这样才符合英文的思维习惯！ For one thing….）Once my father encounteren the same problem as what I has said. Because of his excellent working, he had a good chance to get a higher position in his company. However, it was not the job that he liked. He was caught in a dilemma. After thinking carefully, he eventually decided to go on his present work. Although he lost the opportunity to earn amount of money, he get more. He get the happiness. That’s one reason why I will choose the job I like.However there are also someone who select the other choice, which (直接用冒号表示解释说明就可以了， 没有必要用which) is earning a lot of money. But as last, they lost their job because they work without joy. My neibour, who just lived next to my house, one day also had a chance to improve his working position. And he immediately get it ignoring whether it is his favoriate job or not. Some months later, he discovered that the job he was doing was not the one he was looking forward to. But he didn’t want to give it up. When he couldn’t bear it any more, he had to leave it. It is the result of unhappiness. Maybe at first you will not realize it, but as the time going, you will fill stronger and stronger about it and at last you can’t endure it any longer. That’s another reason why I choose the job I prefer. (写这种题材的文章你可以参考新概念英语4中的46课Hobbies, 这是丘吉尔写的， 其中的很多话你可以适当的引用。)In conclusion, happiness is more valuable than money. You can earn money at any time in you life, but you will come across to happiness at the right time. So when it comes to you, just take it, without thinking about other things, especially the money.357个字

(你的全篇文章语言不错， 由于大多是叙述性语言， 所以就没有什么好改的， 毕竟我没有考过SAT。 但是我要提醒作者， TOEFL写作是写议论文， 不是写记叙文。 虽然大量的记叙在考试中是允许的， 但记叙文字充其量也只能是论据！你现在需要解决的问题就是文章的结构问题， 即一篇好的议论文应该怎样组织。 还有， 中英两种议论文也是存在一定差异的， 不要照搬中文的议论文思维。
建议参考书目：《Official Guide> <挑战iBT作文满分》， OG上你可以看一下它的满分例文， 目的仅在于了解托福写作的模式， 后面的那一本要精看， 具体使用方法请参看我的精华帖。)

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

:) 你的作文我大致看了一下，感觉其实你的观点2就已经足够你写一篇完整的作文，下面是我的一个提纲，仅供参考。
1。随着科技进步，军事武器大量涌现，因此使得战争更加暴力化。不好。
2。随着科技发展，人类学会高效利用能源，但是由于城市工业化以及对原材料的需求导致了 environmental deterioration and moral deterioration, 更不好。
详细的写法你可以参照新概念英语4的The Modern City以及 Knowledge and Progress这两课，在论述进步的两面性方面这两篇文章堪称经典。
因为我马上要去招生面试，看到了你的这篇文章，所以给你大致说一下。
还有，你的作文字数还要进一步增加。
加油！！！

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

:) 你的作文我大致看了一下，感觉其实你的观点2就已经足够你写一篇完整的作文，下面是我的一个提纲，仅供参考。
1。随着科技进步，军事武器大量涌现，因此使得战争更加暴力化。不好。
2。随着科技发展，人类学会高效利用能源，但是由于城市工业化以及对原材料的需求导致了 environmental deterioration and moral deterioration, 更不好。
详细的写法你可以参照新概念英语4的The Modern City以及 Knowledge and Progress这两课，在论述进步的两面性方面这两篇文章堪称经典。
因为我马上要去招生面试，看到了你的这篇文章，所以给你大致说一下。
还有，你的作文字数还要进一步增加。

DaffiUID: 18714

LZ帮忙修改一下吧, 谢谢. :)

Is it better to let a friend make a mistake than saying or doing something that would end the friendship? (421 words)

When one of you friends get trapped in a trouble, and in your opinion, the solutions he/she decides on will do him/her harm.  What will you do then?  To let him/her go ahead as he/she decides, or to say or do something to prevent him/her from the mistakes (in which way you also take the risk of ending your friendship) ?  “To be, or not to be, it is a question.”  As far as I am concerned, I would prefer to let him/her have a try.

For one thing, since one could never predict the exact future, it is irresponsible to assume what the other does will be a “mistake”.  Even you think you have exactly the same experience, and the result is a nightmare, the story of your friend may still have another ending.  To assume one would definitely fail is quite presumptuous.  So, before one decide to say or do something to prevent his/her friend from “mistakes”, I think he/she should stop for a while, and check his/her way of thinking first:  what is the probability that the friend’s deeds will be followed by a bad consequences?  Has he/she taken every factor into consideration?

For another, if making suggestions would “end the friendship”, it follows that the possibility your friend will listen and accept your suggestion is very low.  A good example in this case is woman in love: one of your female friends is having affair with a guy who, in your eyes, will not give her any future.  Say or do something pushy?  It is always useless.  A woman in love will not listen.  Then what’s the meaning to do something that you know from the start is useless?

Last but not the least, in most cases, it is always benefical to make mistakes.  The development of human being is a process of trial-and-error.  Only through making mistakes could one know where his or her deficiency lies.  After errors there could be more targeted trials, and more errors, and more trials.  It is only through this way that people become more mature both in mental and in skill.  I cannot imagine a child can learn to walk until thousands of fall downs.  Then why prevent your friend from errors?

Someone may argue, what should you do then, when you think your friend is making a wrong decision?  Just let him/her go?  No.  As a friend, I think one could make suggestions, kind and rational, reasons listed and presented.  But remember: always keep the right of choice up to your friend.

qiwei19852003UID: 2228793

003 Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


The fridge could conserve the food, thus people could buy plenty of food from supermarkets and need not buy any in a week. Cooking meal now uses electric not fire, which is clean and convenient. People could get the various instant foods that also full of nutrient. All of these surly lead the change of people's life. The way people live is more efficient. Persons have more spare time and work time as the decrease of housework. Moreover, the betterment to the public's health is apparent.

It is a dream for a long time that average persons would abandon the boring housework like preparing food, having more time to relax and work. The city I live is just a small city, but the competition is dramatic. Most people lack time to cook or buy raw and vegetable, do not mention they also wish to appreciate music and do other entertainment. If persons have the way to prepare food using a little time, it will become an advantage. Fortunately, the fridge, electric cooking, instant food and lots of other modern ways have solved the problem. All the new way to prepare food changes the lifestyle which becomes more efficient and enjoyable.

On the other hand, easier way to cook helps people to get a wonderful meal. That is to say, in certain time, now people have the chance to cook more delicate and more nutrient food. The development of technology and food industry results in the more effective way to prepare food. Maybe, in the past, you just could make 4 dishes, but now, people would prepare 10 dishes in the same time.  The progress is apparent that people would enjoy more delicious food. This aspect is really beneficial to people the health. Thus, modern people tend to do their work with fulfilled energy. It is really a change to people's life.

The efficient, entertainment and health improve the way people live. It changes the people, also changes the world. Modern food preparing means modern way to live.

chenhao861025UID: 2296881

59. Some people are always in a hurry to go places and get things done. Other people prefer to take their time and live life at a slower pace. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.  

  currently, more and more people are concerned with their life-style, some people hold the view that they should utilize every minute in their life to do meaningful things, while others contend that a relaxful lifestyle is more benificial to them. at an individual level,  youngsters should live a life at a fast pace, while a life at a slow pace is reasonable for old people.
    as to young people, there are a lot of thing they need to learn when they are young, for example, they should learn how to survive in the society, this subject is really a time-consuming task, they need to learn a lot of skills, like cooperation skills , social skills and the skill to earn money. Additionally, they usually have  a family to support. in order to let their family members live in a enjoyable environment, young individuals should work hard to earn enough money to raise the family。finally, young people are always full of vigor and have a lot of dreams to pursue. therefore, youngsters should spend their time efficiently ,and never waste a minute.
   However, when it comes to old people, the situation is completely different. old people usually do not have to take the responsibility of supporting their family, because their children are capable of  taking place of them for that task. Moveover, old people need to enjoy their life afer hard work of several decades. For example,They can spend the last part of their life on their hobbies which they probably gived up when they were young. Finally, Living at a fast pace, harmful to their health, is not rational for old people, because old people do not have enough energy to endure intensive  and competitive work.
    In conclusion, people at different age should have different life style. A competitive life is reasonable for youngsters, on the contrary, old people should live a relaxful life.      

elina_enjoylifeUID: 2309987

破海沧澜大哥,多谢你之前帮我改的作文啊~~~感激不尽啊~~~~
你是10.17考的托福吧?我是在杭州教育大厦考的呵呵，已经是第二次考了,你一定考得很好吧?
我最近一想那次托福,就觉得考得很差,尤其是听力,555555555555,要多向你学习啊....

jennycatUID: 2201632

超人大哥， 又来麻烦你了！！！这次写得不好，因为是限时写的。。。。望多指点，不甚感谢！！！
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: it is better to spend money on traveling and vocation instead of to save it in the bank for future.

With the new policy of raising interest in China main land implemented over recent months, a controversial debate has caused wild public concern: Whether people should save the money in the bank or spend it on traveling or vocation? After careful consideration on both sides, I finally draw the conclusion that depositing money in the bank may be a favorable choice for the majority of people, especially young generation, due to the fact that one might face many emergencies or opportunities to spend money on in the future, comparing with the present situation.
The most critical reason I suggest people to keep their money is that human do not have the capability to predict what may happen in their future lives, especially emergency incidents. Seldom can people make sure he will not confront any accident in his entire life, not to mention numerous diseases. According to a recent survey, millions of people die each year from car accident unfortunately. Once one got involved in such serious car accident, a large amount of money without precise number will be needed to rescue the person’s life. So having substantial amount of wealth on your bank account can relieve your concern about unexpected life emergency directly.
Not only should we take above terrible incidents into account, but also we must be aware of the unstable position we are in under the competitive job environment. Imagine a nightmare like this: you are woke up by a harsh telephone ring in the early morning, then you pick it up, your boss’s voice came through the line:“Sorry, you are fired.”Horrible scene, is it? Therefore, possessing adequate money to purchase necessary daily products can prevent an unemployed citizen and his or her family members from starvation and exposure during the miserable period.
Furthermore, one might use money to grasp big chance during the long life journey. Along with the rapid growth on global economics, personal financial investments become more and more crucial to city residents. If one bump into an excellent opportunity to bargain a restaurant at a low price, without enough money he accumulated over the former years, he will probably lose the chance to make even big fortune.
In conclusion, despite holiday and professional needs, people have much more aspects to spend money on in addition to the three reasons I stated above. That is why I strongly recommend people to save money in the bank.

rubyruby12qianUID: 2336072

能不能给我改一下呢？？
我的作文在108#
已经贴了很久了。
马上就要考试了，紧张~~~~~~~~

jennycatUID: 2201632

再贴一篇 也是限时写的  超人要是太忙 就给我说下缺点就好了  不用改得很仔细  我们都知道你很忙的～～～谢谢！！！
78. Is it more important to be able to work with a group of people on a team or to work independently? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.         

There is a growing intendancy for nowadays people to put too much emphasis on the spirit of team work. Though no one could afford to deny the basic fact that one's capability to work with a group of people effectively and efficiently is indispensable to one's work and study life, is it really more important than the competence of working independently? As far as I am concerned, the priority of the two sides depends on the situation people are in.   
On the one hand, along with the rapid improvement of modern society, more and more high technology and complex machinery urge people to work together as a solution to survive in the fierce competition. Single person, who just know about his specialized part of work, could take charge of the rest work he is unfamiliar with. Only each group of people or individual taking particular responsibility for a huge work mechanism can the whole project proceed  smoothly and turn out to be success in the end. The good use of team work will enable a company or research center to stand in a favorable position in the competition.         
On the other hand, in some cases, the advantages of working on one's own far outweigh the merit of team work. To cite some special incidence: When we are taking test, arrange from the most important college entrance exam in China to the little quiz provided by your math teacher, the emphasis of team spirit under such scene would be a big mistake and should be criticized without any reservation. The school or teacher enforce such test system to prove how much knowledge the students have acquired, then the authority can make further decision that what measure can be taken to supplement the deficiency of students’ former knowledge skeleton. Needless to say, if certain group of people do the test with all the members’ efforts, their score will be high but fake, the purpose of testing their individual ability will be jeopardized and single student who do the exam on his or her own will be angry with it.
From what has been discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that we can not tell the more important one from above complicated choice. Which is more paramount is that we should learn to decide the situation we reinforce it.

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

jennycat (jennycat)

超人大哥，又来麻烦你了！！！这次写得不好，因为是限时写的。。。。望多指点，不甚感谢！！！
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: it is better to spend money on traveling and vocation instead of to save it in the bank for future.

With the new policy of raising interest in China main land implemented over recent months, a controversial debate has caused (aroused 替换) wild public concern: Whether people should save the money in the bank or spend it on traveling or vocation? After careful consideration on both sides, I finally draw the conclusion that depositing money in the bank may be a favorable choice for the majority of people, especially young generation, due to the fact that one might face many emergencies or opportunities to spend money on in the future, comparing with the present situation.

（你的开头本身没有怎么提供background information, 因为是限时写，估计你没有办法想太多，这个时候我建议你就直接用简洁式开头, (注意，这种开头一般是在你实在没有办法的情况下使用，毕竟时间不等人。)： If I were asked whether to spend money on travelling and vocation or to save money in the bank for future, I would say that it is better to save money for the future, and my reasons go as follows: ）

The most critical reason I suggest people to keep their money is that human do not have the capability to predict what may happen in their future lives, especially emergency incidents . Seldom can people make sure he will not confront any accident in his entire life, not to mention numerous diseases (这句话的人称指代有问题，单复数有混淆。注意。). According to a recent survey, millions of people die each year from car accident unfortunately. Once one got involved in such serious car accident, a large amount of money without precise number will be needed to rescue the person’s life. So having substantial amount of wealth on your bank account can relieve your concern about unexpected life emergency directly.Not only should we take above terrible incidents into account, but also we must be aware of the unstable position we are in under the competitive job environment. Imagine a nightmare like this: you are woke up by a harsh telephone ring in the early morning, then you pick it up, your boss’s voice came through the line:“Sorry, you are fired.”Horrible scene, is it? Therefore, possessing adequate money to purchase necessary daily products can prevent an unemployed citizen and his or her family members from starvation and exposure during the miserable period.
（The first point I would like to emphasize is that it is indispensable for us to use money wisely. Very true is the old saying of Confucius:” Plans contribute to better lives.” Transparently, to pay for a wonderful summer vacation on a beach or a nice holiday in forest mountains is comfortable, yet the condition may not last long. Conversely, paying too much for such “luxuries” may increase one’s financial burden, thus making his/her life in crisis--- medical payment, tuition (if any students in the family), even cost of cars may drive a person crazy if he/she is in lack of money. Accordingly, to make a financial plan is of importance if one tends to enjoy a happy life for a long time. In this sense, to save money in the bank other than to spend it on a vacation seems to be the better choice.

这是我重写的主题段。其中画横线的词语是这个段落的逻辑连接词。我之所以将其画出来是要提醒作者英文当中逻辑的重要性。你的英文的文字功底是有的，但是读了你的这个主题段就感觉你的作文还是受了中文思维的影响--- 中文是感性语言，而英文是理性语言，所以如果你有清晰的逻辑，加上一定的英语表达积累，是绝对能写出好文章的。打个比方：写中文的文章好比是在画画，画的顺序不是最重要的，需要灵感；而写英文的文章就好象是在作逻辑游戏，只要你说的东西reasonable, 就是好文章，它不需要灵感，只要逻辑！当然，后一句是在写托福作文的基础上说的。）

Furthermore, one might use money to grasp big chance during the long life (life-long 吧？) journey. Along with the rapid growth on global economics, personal financial investments become more and more crucial to city residents. If one bump into an excellent opportunity to bargain a restaurant at a low price, without enough money he accumulated over the former years, he will probably lose the chance to make even big fortune.

（In addition, to save money for the future may also benefit an individual in terms of self-development. With the widespread faith of globalization, there appear more opportunities for modern residents. Nevertheless, some opportunities such as financial investments cannot be seized unless one is in a stable financial position. And that one is able to catch an opportunity touches off self-development in an unspecific manner, both physically and mentally.

在这个重写的主题段中我用到了一些我新学到的东西。并且我已经将我的最新的写作总结发到了论坛上，在主题活动里面，有时间你可以去看一下。）

In conclusion, despite holiday and professional needs, people have much more aspects to spend money on in addition to the three reasons I stated above. That is why I strongly recommend people to save money in the bank.

jennycat (jennycat)

再贴一篇也是限时写的  超人要是太忙就给我说下缺点就好了  不用改得很仔细  我们都知道你很忙的～～～谢谢！！！
78. Is it more important to be able to work with a group of people on a team or to work independently? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.         

There is a growing intendancy for nowadays people to put too much emphasis on the spirit of team work. Though no one could afford to deny the basic fact that one's capability to work with a group of people effectively and efficiently is indispensable to one's work and study life, is it really more important than the competence of working independently? As far as I am concerned, the priority of the two sides depends on the situation people are in.   

On the one hand, along with the rapid improvement of modern society, more and more （= increasing）high technology and complex machinery urge people to work together as a solution to survive in the fierce competition. Single person, who just know about his specialized part of work, could not take charge of the rest work he is unfamiliar with. Only each group of people or individual taking particular responsibility for a huge work mechanism can the whole project proceed  smoothly and turn out to be success in the end. The good use of team work will enable a company or research center to stand in a favorable position in the competition.         

On the other hand, in some cases, the advantages of working on one's own far outweigh the merit of team work. To cite some special incidence: When we are taking test, arrange (ranging, 语法错误) from the most important college entrance exam in China to the little quiz provided by your math teacher, the emphasis of team spirit under such scene would be a big mistake and should be criticized without any reservation （这里可以删去最后的一个修饰成分，英语的表达同样需要简洁有力！）. The school or teacher enforce such test system to prove how much knowledge the students have acquired, then the authority can make further decision that what measure can be taken to supplement the deficiency of students’ former knowledge skeleton. Needless to say, if certain group of people do the test with all the members’ efforts, their score will be high but fake, the purpose of testing their individual ability will be jeopardized and single student who do the exam on his or her own will be angry with it.

From what has been discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that we can not tell the more important one from above complicated choice. Which is more paramount is that we should learn to decide the situation we reinforce it.

(杰作！ 这是我看过的表达中立观点里面写得最好的一篇文章！！ 不出意外应该是5.0，至少是4.5以上 。 虽然你没有用太多的高级词汇， 但是你的观点非常清楚。 而且表达比较到位。 继续努力！！)