作文求拍啊多谢

lovebearmuseUID: 2346951

请各位前辈帮我看一下,不胜感激
07.1.6 雅思大作文(又写了一篇,终于找到正确题目了)
　　The world of work is changing rapidly, so people cannot always depend on their jobs. Analyze the reasons of such phenomenon and offer the measures to solve it.

The past 50 years have seen a rapid changing in the world of work and less individuals can rely on their current jobs. In this essay, I intend to explore the sources of this problem along with some viable solutions to it.
Chief among the causes of this problem is information technology. Living in a increasingly knowledge-based and innovation-driven society, the way some people work no longer fits the world they live in, and the way they work is also failing to catch up quickly enough with the changing economic environment. Thus, it is advisable for us to keep pace with the development of advanced technology.
Another contributing factor of this social phenomenon is young bloods be raised into significant positions. For instance, it is fair to say that the development of e-commerce has led to many new jobs such as programmers, computer technicians, web designers and so on. And the most forward-looking employees have already seen the future, they are responding and the results are exciting. Innovation and technology provide the potential to re-define the way we work. So that businesses can operate longer and achieve better results faster in more varied ways-and with a modern, flexible and productive workforce.
In order to stem the tide of changing work, it would be well-advised if we improve our knowledge and skill to facing the trend. This probably meant that computers have had to be retrained to use modern technology. Furthermore, companies need senior employees”s guidance and instructions to support long-term development.
In conclusion, I once again restate my view that as urban dwellers strive to remain ahead of the competition, there will inevitably and often come the need for change.

大家觉得能得几分呢?

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-27 17:43 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

得几分，很难说~~不是考官，也不敢随便评阿

先占楼修改:)

forbeckUID: 2297645

The past 50 years have seen a rapid changing in the world of work and less individuals can rely on their current jobs. In this essay, I intend to explore the sources of this problem along with some viable solutions to it.(题目改写得挺成功的，开头很不错)

Chief among the causes of this problem is information technology. Living in an increasingly knowledge-based and innovation-driven society, the way some people work , no longer fits the world they live in, and the way they work is also failing to catch up quickly enough(用上了fail，在补上quickly enough，有点累赘的感觉) with the changing economic environment. Thus, it is advisable for us to keep pace with the development of advanced technology.

Another contributing factor of this social phenomenon is young bloods be raised into significant positions. For instance, it is fair to say that the development of e-commerce has led to many new jobs ， such as programmers, computer technicians, web designers and so on. And the most forward-looking employees have already seen the future, they are responding and the results are exciting. Innovation and technology provide the potential to re-define the way we work. So that businesses can operate longer and achieve better results faster in more varied ways-and with a modern, flexible and productive workforce.

In order to stem the tide of changing work, it would be well-advised if we improve our knowledge and skill to facing the trend. This probably meant that computers have had to be retrained to use modern technology. Furthermore, companies need senior employees”s guidance and instructions to support long-term development.

In conclusion, I once again restate my view that as urban（这里突然加上urban，很杀风景，进城务工应该也要面临很多挑战吧？） dwellers strive to remain ahead of the competition, there will inevitably and often come the need for change.
建议：
1、思路很清晰，结构也很完整，符合鸭子对solution类的作文的要求哦
2、长短句结合得很自然，但是有一些语言重复的现象
3、还有啥问题，直接留言，俺去吃饭先;d: