10/05 请大家帮忙改改作文

rong1986UID: 2412040

花了Ｎ久时间，实在是菜．．．
Should television emphasize the education, or focus on the entertainment…

In modern days, people always face the dilemma to use television for the education or just make it as an entertainment facility. This problem is the much debated one in that it affects everybody in their daily lives. Most people think that television would be an amazing tool which be used on the education. However, from my point of view, television should focus on the entertainment. Because people need some amusement in their daily lives.

It is quite easy for average people to choose the idea that television should be used to promote the education program. Because of the obvious reason that children are always fasinated with TV program, so that it is a good opportunity to teach them some useful knowleges. It can be given a well known example that the words of advertisements is always being remembered by children. Such as “Just do it” , “Nothing is impossible”.

But at the mean time, although use television for the education gains a distinct advantage, it cannot compete with the advantages that we gain in using it as an entertainment facility. Some people insist that television should be used for the amusement. Because the long time work totally driving them exhausted, they urge something funny or amuse on TV .  For example, When a white-collar worker who is extremely tried arrives home afer 8 hours work, an entertainment program may relax him and gives him a good mood.

The other reason why I advocate using television as a tool of entertainment is that if television focus on education, people will definitely lose interest in it. Further more, TV advertisements turn out to be less attractive to invensters for most people do not watch TV any more. It will cause many serious problems. For example,  some TV stations may be collapsed for nobody provide them money to run their stations. And a lot of people who work for those TV stations will lose their jobs. This explain why I insist that television should not focus on education.

If all the factors above are concerned, we will find out that the advantages of using television as an entertainment tool outweigh those of using television for the education. Therefore from what we have disscused, we may savely come to the conclusion that choosing television for entertainment is a rather wise choice. After all, people need amusement to make their lives have more fun.

豆豆～UID: 2378384

请注意发帖格式，谢谢合作:-)

具体格式参见我的签名档

rong1986UID: 2412040

Sorry,我不会弄投票的形式～

豆豆～UID: 2378384

把鼠标移到“发表新贴”，会出现“投票”字样，点击即可:-)

填的内容在我的帖子里有写～呵呵

豆豆～UID: 2378384

把鼠标移到“发表新贴”，会出现“投票”字样，点击即可:-)

填的内容在我的帖子里有写～呵呵

rong1986UID: 2412040

我试试...

rong1986UID: 2412040

豆豆～～～我的权限不能发投票．．．

豆豆～UID: 2378384

这个。。。厄。。。我居然没想到。。。

那。。。先这样吧。。。我明天帮你看看

rong1986UID: 2412040

好的,谢谢先.

rong1986UID: 2412040

up~up

rong1986UID: 2412040

豆豆~豆豆~,怎么还没出现类~~~

豆豆～UID: 2378384

在写东西。。。

马上改。。。

呵呵。。。

恩。。。

rong1986UID: 2412040

呵呵,谢谢.
豆豆好小啊.我都大四了...唉~

豆豆～UID: 2378384

In moderndays, people always face the dilemma (whether) to use television for theeducation or just (make it parallel:-p add a "to" here)make it as an entertainment facility. This problem isthe much debated one in that it affects everybody in their daily lives.Most people think that television would be an amazing tool which beused on the education. However, from my point of view(in my point of view, from my perspective, please choose either one), televisionshould focus (more) on the entertainment. Because people need some amusementin their daily lives.

This is actually a pretty good opening, because it contained almost all elements needed to write at the beginning. However, if you want to draw more attention and thus get a higher score, you may need to use more complicated sentence structures.
Education and entertainment, it is relentlessly arduous for people to choose one over another. One does need education in order to accomplish goals with high level of difficulty. However, entertainments would sometimes be more appealing. Yet, in some situations, one may be coerced to make a choice between the two, and watching television is one of them. From my perspective, entertainment would play a more vital role in television programs, considering that people may need some amusements in their everyday lives.

It is quiteeasy for average people(common people, or just "people") to choose the idea that television should beused to promote the education program. Because of the obvious reasonthat children are always fasinated with TV program, so("because" and "so" cannot be used together.) that it is agood opportunity to teach them some useful knowleges. It can be given awell known example that the words of advertisements is always beingremembered by children. Such as “Just do it” , “Nothing is impossible”.

Your statement in this para was ambiguous, that is to say, you need to state your opinion with enough clarity. Don't let the raters do the math. Your job is to present your opinion as if your readers are idiots. BTW, I don't think this para is necessary...
Though sometimes television shows are considered useless for the children by their parents, there is still knowledge that can be passed to the younger generation. Advertisements which employed attractive slogans are good examples to illustrate this point. "Just do it," and "Nothing is impposible" are all educative sayings that would definitely encourage kids to strive to achieve their wishes.


But at themean time, although(but? although? those are signs of a run-on sentence.) use television for the education gains a distinctadvantage, it cannot compete with the advantages that we gain in usingit as an entertainment facility.(HA! This is where the meaningful stuff comes out!) Some people insist that televisionshould be used for the amusement. Because the long time work totallydriving them exhausted, they urge something funny or amuse on TV.  Forexample, When(when) a white-collar worker who is extremely tried arrives homeafer 8 hours work, ("he" should be the subject in the sentence, not "an entertainment")an entertainment program may relax him and gives hima good mood.

There is something that you really need to know. The first sentence in a TOEFL essay should always the LEADING SENTENCE in that para. Whatever you wanna say about the reasons, save it for later uses.

The other(If you say "The other", you mean that you only have TWO reasons. That's gonna be less convincing. So you should use "Another" here.)reason why I advocate using television as a tool of entertainment isthat if television focus on education, people will definitely loseinterest in it. Further more, TV advertisements turn out to be lessattractive to invensters for most people do not watch TV any more. Itwill cause many serious problems. For example(Have you just used "For example" previously? If you do, change it.),  some TV stations may becollapsed for nobody provide(providing) them money to run their stations. And("And" cannot be used to begin a sentence. Delete it.) alot of people who work for those TV stations will lose their jobs. Thisexplain why I insist that television should not focus (merely) on education.

If all thefactors above are concerned, we will find out that the advantages ofusing television as an entertainment tool outweigh those of usingtelevision for the education. Therefore from what we have disscused, wemay savely come to the conclusion that choosing television forentertainment is a rather wise choice. After all, people need amusementto make their lives have more fun.

ALL IN ALL:

Dear DUDE, I have to say that you may have just started to write TOEFL essays. The first reason why I said that is that the reasons you listed are less persuasive thus may count down your score. Secondly, the structure of each para and the whole essay is somehow messy. But, there is no need to worry much about those two problems, because they can be easily solved as long as you read some sample essays.

An essay like this may earn a score of 3~3.5 out of 5

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TOEFL!!!

rong1986UID: 2412040

THANKS A LOT.