10/17 作文修改(10.27就要考了,可我还菜的没话说,拜托大家指教一下)

rong1986UID: 2412040

还是不限时写的...
Do you agree or disagree with the following state mention:
All the university should require the students to take at least one course teaches them the culture of a country other than their own.

Nowadays, people in increasing numbers are coming to be aware that whether all the universities should require the students to take a culture course or not. Most people hold the idea that it is not necessary for college students to learn different cultures because the study task of them is too tough. However, from my perspective, learning a different culture may benefit people much for the reason that the world which we live is much more internationalized than before.

It is quite easy for common people to think that college students will definitely overwhelmed when too many courses are forced to learn. Because of the fact that many college students are suffering several metal diseases. We may cite an extreme example of that a few of students even killed themselves because they cannot bare the stress anymore.

Some people do not agree the idea mentioned above, because there are numerous possibilities in that may be something else troubled those students who killed themselves. Courses in universities are not as so much tough as they think. Besides, a course about different cultures will turn out to be very funny and amused. Students can not only broaden their sight but also become more culturalized by learning a different culture. Like a friend of mine, Jinxiu, he has chosen a course about the Euro culture last semester and became very familiar with the Euro culture. With his knowledge he has won an intelligence competition for our class. What’s more, he can easily understand some foreign literatures because he knows their cultures very well.

Another reason for me to advocate the idea that universities should force students to learn a different culture is that excellence in another culture will help people in their future lives. Like someone who is finding a job, he will become more competitive if he is familiar with a different culture besides his own. For example, an American worker who excellence in different cultures may be promoted soon in an international corporation for the reason that he can associate the culture conflict between America and other countries and bring much benefit for the company.

As all the factors above are concerned, we can safely come to the conclusion that universities should force students to learn a different culture. The knowledge we learn in the college may play a vital role in our future lives, so that we cannot just skip the course of different culture in the university.



[ 本帖最后由 rong1986 于 2007-10-20 17:34 编辑 ]

rong1986UID: 2412040

谢谢，谢谢．见到知己乃是人生一大乐事！
ＰＳ：I'm woman.  并非＂仁兄＂

rejuvenateUID: 2317446

mm在哪里考，我也是10.27的。

豆豆～UID: 2378384

Nowadays,people in increasing numbers are coming to be aware that whether allthe universities should require the students to take a culture courseor not. Most people hold the idea that it is not necessary for collegestudents to learn different cultures because the study task of them istoo tough. However, from my perspective, learning a different culturemay benefit people much for the reason that the world which we live ismuch more internationalized than before.

Your grammar is impeccable and the logic in this para is amazingly fluent, which are two basic elements while writing an essay, GOOD FOR YOU! However, this would just be a ordinary opening, which means that if you wanna get a score of 5, you need to be creative.
Globalization defines our era. In recent years, globalization has come into focus, generating considerable interest and controversy in whether students in universities should be required to learn cultures of other countries. Most scholars would uphold the opinion that this movement is not necessary because the study task is already tough enough. However, from my perspective, getting to know about a different culture may benefit people by introducing a more amused life and providing more helpful knowledge.

It is quite easy for common people to think thatcollege students will (be) definitely overwhelmed when too many courses areforced to learn. Because of the fact that many college students aresuffering several metal diseases. We may cite an extreme example ofthat a few of students even killed themselves because they cannot barethe stress anymore.

Some people do not agree the idea mentionedabove, because there are numerous possibilities in that may besomething else troubled those students who killed themselves("killed themselves" ==> "committed suicides"). Coursesin universities are not as so much tough as they think. Besides, acourse about different cultures will turn out to be very funny andamused. Students can not only broaden their sight("horizons" would be more attracitve:-p) but also become moreculturalized(????) by learning a different culture. Like a friend of mine,Jinxiu, he(who) has chosen a course about the Euro culture last semester andbecame very familiar with the Euro culture. With his knowledge he haswon an intelligence competition for our class. What’s more, he caneasily understand some foreign literatures because he knows theircultures very well.

Pretty good example! CONG!

Another reason for me to advocate the idea thatuniversities should force students to learn a different culture is that("Another reason ... is that," ==> "What's more" or "In addition" or you can just delete it.)excellence in another culture will help people in their future lives.Like someone who is finding a job, he will become more competitive ifhe is familiar with a different culture besides his own. For example,an American worker who excellence in("excellence in" ==> "excels at") different cultures may be promotedsoon in an international corporation for the reason that(delete "the reason that") he canassociate the culture conflict(s) between America and other countries andbring much benefit for the company.

As all the factors above are concerned, we cansafely come to the conclusion that universities should force studentsto learn a different culture. The knowledge we learn in the college mayplay a vital role in our future lives, so that we cannot just skip thecourse of different culture in the university.



ALL IN ALL:

I GOTTA SAY THAT YOU WROTE AN EXCELLENT ESSAY. Though you made minor mistakes, you can still get a very high score for you wrote the essay with appropriate words, complex sentence structures, and various grammar points. You don't really need to right an opening like the one I wrote, because the rest part of your essay is gonna definitely help you earn a good score! CONG!

An essay like this may earn a score of 4.5~5 out of 5

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TOEFL!!! I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO HEAR GOOD NEWS FROM YOU!!

rong1986UID: 2412040

WA~信心倍增！ＦＩＧＨＴＩＮＧ！！！

rong1986UID: 2412040

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