大家看看这个所谓的9分范文到底算不算写的好

chenruirayUID: 2214447

这是雅思8分万能作文的第一篇范文
题目是environment hazards are often too great for particular countries or individuals to tackle. We have arrived at a point in time where the only to lessen environmental problems is at an international level.   To what extent do you agree or disagree?

正文部分如下：
  Environment problems have reached such proportions that people feel international organizations must be set up to intervene in world affairs to resolve these problems. Whether this will resolve the problem is very unlikely as international organizations are just an extension of human behavior. That is , if human conflicts cannot be resolved at home ,then they are unlikely to be resolved at the international level. Nevertheless, international organizations do attract attention to the growing problem of pollution and the destruction of the environment. However ,although i respect the aims of the international community to resolve the issue of environmental pollution and support the cause, i do not believe it is the best or the only way to protect the environment; in fact , it is only a small part of what is needed in a global initiative.
  All world problems, whether it is environmental pollution , war , energy insufficiency, or famine, arise from the abusive behavior  of all individuals .Therefore, the solution to all these problems is the need for a collective consciousness. What is meant by this is that each individual must be awear of the impact he or she has on the world and their unique part to play in this world. After all , if one is happy with his life ,he will surely not endeavor to harm the environment or anyone else . His behavior will be that of a responsible individual.
  What is needed, therefore, is education. Education is the key to all problems and it starts from pregancy all the way to adulthood and beyond. Furthermore, education means that children all over the world should be allowed to go to schools with good teachers and where teaching materials and methods can be adapted to each individual. Education means raising children to be responsible individuals.
This may sound like utopia , but it is not ; if a country has important problems in its educational system, then it should realize that it is contributing to the world's problems . These are perhaps long term solutions ,but they are more realistic solutions than setting up yet another international organization.


问题一：文章一开始就把问题发展到international level替换成了要建立international organization。这种转换我不知道算不算跑题。
问题二：题目问的是同不同意问题发展到international level了，下文应该要表达和证明自己的观点，然而本文除了第一段写了这部分外其他的都不是这个了。
问题三：二段的开头all world problems....就已经说明了作者认为这是全球性问题，但是貌似作者本文想表达的是这个问题没达到国际范围，这算不算自相矛盾？

各位大侠指点下

forbeckUID: 2297645

1  我认为没什么问题，这个ms在8分万能上见过。。。。
2  这个难说，就是看问题的角度把。。。。。。。。。
3  不知道怎么答

ps 这篇作文开篇就很怪，一段这么长，虽然不提倡什么八股，但是。。。。。。
   我对雅思作文的个人意见是：再不离题的前提下，一定要表达自己的观点，然后能自圆其说就好了
   语言可能相对来说更重要一些

Mambaの賤UID: 2422461

額。。LZ我覺得妳曲解了这篇文章
问题1：international level 的意思就是国际性的问题，那么作者的意思是国际性的问题由国际组织来解决这点是不算跑题的
问题2：这个文章的作者是这样写的 他先阐明了自己的观点。However ,although i respect the aims of the international community to resolve the issue of environmental pollution and support the cause, i do not believe it is the best or the only way to protect the environment; in fact , it is only a small part of what is needed in a global initiative。下文他就展开阐述他的论据了。我不知道LZ你哪里看不出来他没在围绕这个讲。。

问题3：我觉得LZ没看完整或者没看懂这篇文章才会问这个问题。。仔细看看吧。

chenruirayUID: 2214447

lessen environmental problems at an international level难道就是要成立另一个国际组织？其他方法如各个国家合作也算啊，这明显是一个全集和子集的关系。在题目问问题是否该上升到国际level来解决的情况下，作者大谈特谈不要建立国际组织。题目说了一定要建国际组织来处理么？显然是作者偷换了概念，这样不算跑题么？如果算，我觉得这篇文章6分都没有。
其他的问题我基本上同意楼上的说法

Mambaの賤UID: 2422461

OMG。。LZ你是怎么把这篇文章理解成是在大谈特谈建立国际组织了？作者明明就说的是家里的事情需要家里解决。。这样子。。你没有认真体会到这篇文章就表说它只有6分。
雅思作文注重的是逻辑和语言。不是要你这样死钻牛角尖啊！

chenruirayUID: 2214447

but they are more realistic solutions than setting up yet another international organization.
这是作者最后一段的结论，难道还不算谈不要建立国际组织么？雅思的作文难道不是首先要不能偏离主题么？我承认他说的是家里问题需要在家里解决。但是他在作文中反对的是不要建立国际组织，理由是它只是人行为的延伸。然而题目问的是要不要上升到国际层面来解决问题，不单单指建立某组织啊，从逻辑上来讲是偷换概念啊，他所否定的东西都不是题目准确给的主题，这不算偏题么？

Mambaの賤UID: 2422461

不偏