argument26 [Aero作文组]第四次作业 by beetle1986

beetle1986UID: 2431214

Argument26 by beetle1986

The arguer recommenders that the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Charles to plan and direct the general music education programs (GP) for the entire Saluda school system. Because of that in the past five years he directed band of Steel City High School (SS) won three regional band competitions, and the music level and musical instruments at SS have improved markedly. However, this recommendation is unpersuasive for the following reasons.

The precondition of this argument is that nobody plans and directs the GP of the whole school system or he did not work well. But the arguer does not provide any information about the predecessor of this position that can make this precondition acceptable. If nobody directs the GP ever before, why not before and why now we need somebody to directs it? If there is already somebody in that position, why do we need Mr. Charles to replace him? Without these information, I can hardly accept this precondition.

Then the arguer asserts that Mr. Charles was very successful during the past five years in SS. And he cites the achievement of Mr. Charles in the past five years to support this conclusion, but this evidence has some doubtful points. First, what about the former musical situation before Mr. Charles took that position? Whether Mr. Charles made things better or not? Second, what about the situation of the school band of SS? Do they have won a regional band competition five years ago? Or does SS emphasize a lot on music education? Without these evidences, the arguer cannot conclude that SS gets these attainments totally owe to Mr. Charles.

The argument is unreasonable that suggests Mr. Charles to lead the whole GP of Saluda because of his successes at SS. These two jobs are totally different, a school leader’s job is about concretely directing, but a school leader’s job is about designing the direction of education and needs macroscopically control. No evidence shows that Mr. Charles could do new job well too, albeit he was successful in SS.

To sum up, this recommendation is inconsiderate. The arguer fails to provide effective evidence that can prove Mr. Charles’s capacity, and he also fails to testify the causality between succeed in a school and direct regional general music education programs.

[ 本帖最后由 beetle1986 于 2008-1-1 20:39 编辑 ]

孑。。。UID: 2371205

Argument26 by beetle1986

The arguer recommend[er]s that the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Charles to plan and direct the general music education programs (GP) for the entire Saluda school system. Because [of that](要表达这个意思有很多显得比较专业的句式。可以尝试一下哈。) in the past five years he directed band of Steel City High School (SS) won three regional band competitions, and the music level and musical instruments at SS have improved markedly. However, this recommendation is unpersuasive for the following reasons.
The precondition of this argument is that nobody plans and directs the GP of the whole school system or he did not work well.（这个我倒是没想到噢。最好在这一句里面就说明这个precondition是未被证实的。随便在哪家个形容词就好了。） But the arguer does not provide any information about the predecessor of this position that can make this precondition acceptable. If nobody directs the GP ever before, why not before and why now we need somebody to directs it? If there is already somebody in that position, why do we need Mr. Charles to replace him? Without these information, I can hardly accept this precondition.
Then the arguer asserts that Mr. Charles was very successful during the past five years in SS. And he cites the achievement of Mr. Charles in the past five years to support this conclusion, but this evidence has some doubtful points. （不用又重复作者怎么论证的吧。直接说什么问题就好了。我觉得。）First, （这样直接就提问。有点突兀噢。）what about the former musical situation before Mr. Charles took that position?（这个句式不能充分表达你的意思。好像） Whether Mr. Charles made things better or not? Second, what about the situation of the school band of SS? Do they have won a regional band competition five years ago? Or does SS emphasize a lot on music education? Without these evidences, the arguer cannot conclude that SS gets these attainments totally owe to Mr. Charles.
The argument [is unreasonable that suggests]（unreasonably suggests 感觉念着舒服些。） Mr. Charles to lead the whole GP of Saluda because of his successes at SS. These two jobs are totally different, a school leader’s（？？you mean one job） job is about concretely directing, but a school leader’s（？？the other） job is about designing the direction of education and needs macroscopically control. No evidence shows that Mr. Charles could do new job well too, albeit he was successful in SS.
To sum up, this recommendation is inconsiderate（句子太短了。显得很乏味缺少丰富的内容感觉。建议合并一下。）. The arguer fails to provide effective evidence that can prove Mr. Charles’s capacity, and he also fails to testify the causality between succeed in a school and direct regional general music education programs.

这篇argument我觉得写得很不错了。。三个点准确而清晰。论证到位。注意句式的选用要努力使其为自己的论证服务。不同的句式可以起到不同的效果。一些简单的变换就可以突出重点。
注意语言可以更加。。。往北美靠。。
总觉得argument没什么改的。一句话。。写成北美那样。

bigyanUID: 2382427

The arguer recommenders that the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Charles to plan and direct the general music education programs (GP) for the entire Saluda school system. Because of that in the past five years he directed band of Steel City High School (SS) won three regional band competitions, and the music level and musical instruments at SS have improved markedly. However, this recommendation is unpersuasive for the following reasons.

The precondition of this argument is that nobody plans and directs the GP of the whole school system or he did not work well. But the arguer does not provide any information about the predecessor of this position that can make this precondition acceptable. If nobody directs the GP ever before, why not before and why now we need somebody to directs it?（这句话没读懂） If there is already somebody in that position, why do we need Mr. Charles to replace him? Without these information, I can hardly accept this precondition.

Then the arguer asserts that Mr. Charles was very successful during the past five years in SS. And he cites the achievement of Mr. Charles in the past five years to support this conclusion, but this evidence has some doubtful points. First, what about the former musical situation before Mr. Charles took that position? Whether Mr. Charles made things better or not? Second, what about the situation of the school band of SS? Do they have won a regional band competition five years ago? Or does SS emphasize a lot on music education? （问句是不是有点太多了）Without these evidences, the arguer cannot conclude that SS gets these attainments totally owe to Mr. Charles.

The argument is unreasonable that suggests Mr. Charles to lead the whole GP of Saluda because of his successes at SS. These two jobs are totally different, a school leader’s job is about concretely directing, but a school leader’s job is about designing the direction of education and needs macroscopically control. No evidence shows that Mr. Charles could do new job well too, albeit he was successful in SS.

To sum up, this recommendation is inconsiderate. The arguer fails to provide effective evidence that can prove Mr. Charles’s capacity, and he also fails to testify the causality between succeed in a school and direct regional general music education programs.（最后一段应该在丰满些）

没什么可说的，已经写得很好了，对我来说。