Argument26 【Aero小组】第4次作业

m2zhyUID: 2440721

Argument26

The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."


In this memo, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda suggest to hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system for two reasons – during the past five years, the Steel City High School's school band has won three regional band competitions and the quality of music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments has improved markedly. However, the evidence is insufficient to support the recommendation.

Firstly, the chairperson likely assumes that it is Mr. Schade’s contribution that the Steel City High school band won three regional band competitions during the past five years when he has been the music director at the school. However, there are no evidences to support this assumption. The memo does not show us what exact matters concerned by Mr. Schade in the band competitions. It might be someone else – maybe an outstanding music teacher – directors and takes charge the matters. Further more, the memo is lacking evidence to reveal the band has gained more achievements than five years ago. Therefore, we can not judge if it is more progressive for the school band to be rewarded for three times in the past five years than before.

Similarly, it is unfair to make the assumption that the improvement of quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments attributes to Mr. Schade, just because the improvement occurred during the time when Mr. Schade was the director. It is possible the result of some other administrator's effort, or even the parents'.

Even if it is all attributable to Mr. Schade that gain the rewords and improve musical equipments, it is hardly to make a judgment that he has the ability to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. After all, it is much different to direct a school from an entire school system, which needs more complex management capability. It is hardly to ensure one could supervise the entire system just basing some practical experiences on one portion.

Finally, from the memo, we only find one candidate while it is significant for an institute to provide equal opportunities to all of its candidates to compete to be hired. It seems that the chairperson considers Mr. Schade the only one while ignoring all of others, some of whom might be more competent for the position.

In conclusion, the scant evidence the chairperson cites proves nothing about the reason for hiring Mr. Schade. To strengthen the argument the chairperson should provide more evidence about Mr. Schade's abilities to compete the position.

saavedroUID: 2423190

The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."


In this memo, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda suggest to hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system for two reasons – during the past five years, the Steel City High School's school band has won three regional band competitions and the quality of music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments has improved markedly. However, the evidence is insufficient to support the recommendation.

Firstly, the chairperson likely（可能的？像是的？建议在ARGUMENT中不要使用这个态度上transigent 和 ambiguous类型的词汇，一定要一针见血的指出逻辑缺陷来，因为如果这里你不能果断指出，后面你即使论断的再详细也不能感觉出你的论证有力，所以每段落的topic sentence 一定要谨慎用词） assumes that it is Mr. Schade’s contribution that the Steel City High school band won three regional band competitions during the past five years when he has been the music director at the school. However, there are no evidences to support this assumption. The memo does not show us what exact matters concerned by Mr. Schade in the band competitions.（关于竞赛的什么？？如果一定要这么表达前面那个concern就要换换，如果不这么表达后面最好加从句来说明举例感觉这里很淡化） It might be someone else – maybe an outstanding music teacher – directors and takes charge用这个短语用的不错啊，我也学会了这个短语 呵呵） the matters.（matters在这里和前面的take charge似乎不搭配，最好用别的词，比如说：events,affairs  mattters 是偏重说小事，如果说一个出色的老师去管小事？？？这种思维好像也不合乎美国人的习惯？) Further more, the memo is lacking evidence to reveal the band has gained more achievements than five years ago. Therefore, we can not judge if（？这里是怎么回事呢？没看明白啊？用whether吧？） it is more progressive for the school band to be rewarded for three times in the past five years than before. (总感觉这里好像跑题了？题目是要攻击说Mr Schade 对于该学校的音乐课程等没有关系，包括三年得奖和音乐器材的改进，但是如果你说和这些年前也可能的获奖不能作为结论而只能作为一种假设，这是因为你即使证明了是这样 也不能突出重点说明 这个Schade的能力，三年前得奖和三年后得奖于这个人能力没多大关联，重点是说这个教授的事，不是其他的事啊，所以这里应该修改一下，这个结论不能有力的呼应你这段落的开头的TOPIC SENTENCE）

Similarly, it is unfair to make the assumption that the improvement of quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments attributes to Mr. Schade, just because the improvement occurred during the time when Mr. Schade was the director. It is possible the result of（as a result of) some other administrator's effort, or even the parents'.

Even if it is all attributable to Mr. Schade that gain the rewords and improve musical equipments, it is hardly to make a judgment that he has the ability to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. After all, it is much different to direct a school from(这个介词用的有问题，可以用with/for/as 或者是用短语表达） an entire school system, which needs more complex management capability. It is hardly to ensure one could supervise the entire system just basing(??没见过这种表达方式，呵呵？) some practical experiences on one portion.

Finally, from the memo, we only find one candidate while it is significant for an institute to provide equal opportunities to all of its candidates to compete to be hired.(这句话写的漂亮） It seems that the chairperson considers Mr. Schade the only one while ignoring all of others, some of whom might be more competent for the position.

In conclusion, the scant evidence (that)the chairperson cites proves nothing about the reason for hiring Mr. Schade. To strengthen the argument the chairperson should provide more evidence about Mr. Schade's abilities to compete the position.(结尾写的太草率了，应该具体指名提供什么样的数据和信息，和前面的开头和文章中部形成对称呼应）

m2zhyUID: 2440721

这次互改我也改你的啦~
发现我们的用词习惯不太一样
这让我对自己的写作用词开始怀疑了
疑惑ing:(