Argument65 [Jet小组] 第七次作业

滴滴雨儿UID: 2392741

题目：ARGUMENT65- The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheesestores located throughout the United  States.

"For many years all the stores in ourchain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Lastyear, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were alldomestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin.Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates anincreasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since ourcompany can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improveprofits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varietiesof imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."


On the basis of improving profits, the president of this cheese store drew his or her conclusion too curtly without considering other factors mentioned as follows.

Though the five best-selling cheeses at their newest store were all domestic cheddar cheese from Wisconsin, it doesn't show that what kind of cheese were most welcomed in other old stores. Maybe many of the old stores sold imported cheese much better than domestic cheese, cutting stock of varies of imported cheese might decrease profits, rather than improve it.

What need to be reconsidered is that these best-selling cheeses was reported last year and we don't see any reports on details about what kind of consumers are more likely to buy domestic cheese and in which area these new stores are located. We cannot assume that these best-selling reports will last until next year or even longer. It is not wiseto make the plan of discontinue stocking imported cheese without this important information.

We can also doubt that the result from Cheese of the World magazine for it doesn’t show that all its subscribers would buy cheese. There's no certain relation between buying cheese and order a cheese magazine. Even though the subscribers usually buy cheese, the increasing preference for domestic cheese doesn't mean that they will buy it. Maybe it is only because of personal interests. What's more, those who buy imported cheese may not be involved in the survey for it doesn't tell us any further information about the subscribers.

It should not be concluded that imported cheese are less welcomed than domestic cheese with these unconvincing information.To improve profits, the manager should also consider managing skills, teamwork, price and many other factors.

[ 本帖最后由 滴滴雨儿 于 2008-2-17 00:48 编辑 ]

goldin2008UID: 2140085

题目：
ARGUMENT65- The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United  States.
"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."
On the basis of improving profits, the president of this cheese store drew his or her conclusion too curtly without considering other factors mentioned as follows.（首段要归纳出被批驳文章的结论和相关论据，即先树立靶子，以便后面段落逐条，有逻辑的进行批驳。这段写得过于简练）Though the five best-selling cheeses at their newest store were all domestic cheddar cheese（s） from Wisconsin, it doesn't show that what kind of cheese(s) were most welcomed in other old(er) stores. Maybe many of the old(er) stores sold imported cheese much better than domestic cheese, (and) cutting stock of varies of imported cheese might decrease profits, rather than improve it (them).（这段是说别的店可能卖的imported cheeses比domestic cheeses好）

What need(s) to be reconsidered is that these best-selling cheeses was(were) reported last year and we don't see any reports on details about what kind of consumers are more likely to buy domestic cheese and in which(不是定语从句，改为where)area these new stores（文中只说有一个店） are located. （这句话要表明的意思需要扩展，只有这一句不能表达清楚你的意思。什么样的消费者买domestic cheeses和新店开在什么地方，你是想说明调查不全面么？这和后面cannot assume的内容之间需要说明一下，比如因为消费者的消费倾向和店的地理位置决定销售量什么的）We cannot assume that these best-selling reports will last until next year or even longer. It is not wise to make the plan of discontinue stocking imported cheese without this important information.(这段是说过去的经验现在不值得借鉴)

We can also doubt that（去掉） the result from Cheese of the World magazine for it doesn’t show that all its subscribers would buy cheese. There's no certain relation between buying cheese and order（ing） a cheese magazine. Even though the subscribers usually buy cheese, the increasing preference for domestic cheese doesn't mean that they will buy it. Maybe it is only because of personal interests.（个人兴趣不能表明他们要买么？）What's more, those who buy imported cheese may not be involved in the survey for it doesn't tell us any further information about the subscribers. （这段说magazine的indicate销售的趋势）

It should not be concluded that imported cheese are less welcomed than domestic cheese with these unconvincing information. To improve profits, the manager should also consider managing skills, teamwork, price and many other factors.
总体来说，能够找出批驳的要点，但是逻辑批驳没展现出来，最好在段落之间即批驳对象的顺序上能体现出一定的逻辑性（这也是我一直追求的，但是还是处于摸索阶段，共勉：）），主要问题就是字数和语言，我所谓的语言不是文采，是表达，有些地方你只说了半句，你可能觉得后面的结论很自然就能推理出来，但是我觉得还是把话说清楚，一方面能增加字数，另一方面是AW是逻辑写作，你要写出逻辑来，而不是让判卷人逻辑的来读。客气话不多说了，你有对你文章或者我评论的意见，直接在下跟帖，我会在你对我的评论下跟贴的，请你多留意。我觉得讨论一下很有必要，要不像前几次一样别人改完就拉倒，没有什么意义，你说呢？：)

[ 本帖最后由 goldin2008 于 2008-2-19 09:02 编辑 ]

滴滴雨儿UID: 2392741

谢谢~ 指出了我好多毛病~语法错误好多~汗一个~ 本来我也是打算讨论讨论的~ 只是你一直都没来啊~ 等了两天才看到你的评论~ ^_^

我也知道自己在argument上存在很多严重的问题, 最近在研究怎么提升字数, 我语言表达上比较欠缺,经常想要说的不知道如何表述,既浪费了时间又没有实际字数的提升, 另外确实思维也经常跳跃,自己都拉不回来.

关于开头,我是看了imong三部曲之后又看了些官方范文得出,开头没有必要复述题目的论据的,ETS好像不大喜欢这种开头法, 而是直接奔主题开始批驳. 本来我所希望的也是把开头的时间省出来好好儿展开正文,把每一段说清楚, 结果往往由于自己的表达能力说不清楚又花去了时间,什么都没有顾上.

关于段落逻辑及顺序, 我在看官方范文的时候没有发现太多明显的痕迹. 感觉都是作者凭着常识思路一气呵成, 如果批驳点本身就是独立的就更不必要去研究这个了.至少现在对于还存在那么多严重的基础问题的我来说, 我觉得那个是没有那么重要的.