argument147 (Gstive) 求猛拍

miao96UID: 2360053

argument 147

The author's argument is weak due to its unreliable survey and false assumption. I find this argument specious on several grounds.

A threshold problem with the argument involves the statistical reliability of the survey.
The author provides no evidence that the number of respondents is statistical significant.
Perhaps the survey was conducted only in several large cities and the respondents are only 100. If so, the credibility of the survey is dubious. Moreover, it is a question worth considering whether the respondents were representative of the video-game players nationwide in general. It is entirely possible that the survey was conducted through the telephone investigation to the consumers of the Whirlwind video games. If this assumption is true, it will weaken the persuasiveness of the survey largely.

Secondly, the author's assumption that the decline of sale was due to the lack in introducing games that provide lifelike graphics is also doubtful. There are numerous explanations for the decline other than the introduction of this type of new games. Perhaps the plot of the game doesn't cater to the consumer's taste or the content is full of violence and sex. It is also possible that the decline is the result of imprudent pricing and drastic competition. Without considering and ruling out these and other factors that might have served to the decline, the author cannot convince me that whirlwind's new will reverse that decline at all--let alone drastically.

Another problem with the argument is the assumption that the games with lifelike graphics will attract the players' attention and guarantee a good sale. Common sense tells us that there are too many factors affecting the sales of the product. For example, the plot and content of the game are also essential for the attraction of the game. Besides, the consumers are very sensitive to the price and effective advertisement also play and important role in the sale of the game. Therefore, only the feature that the games provide lifelike graphics would not suffice to guarantee a good sale.

Give that the survey is statistically reliable and the reason for the decline is lacking games with lifelike graphics, the author's conclusion that the sales will increase dramatically in the next few months is still unwarranted. Perhaps the advertising campaign will not take much effect and the videogame sales are highly seasonal so the company will take couples of months to see the dramatically increase. If so, the author must modify the prediction accordingly.

In sum, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. The author should provide information about the reliability of the survey and details of the new games and advertising campaign to make the argument more strong.

honglingdangUID: 2436513

The author concludes the[个人认为在这还是用a比较合适] probable sharp increase on sales of Whirlwind video games. To convince the readers, he cites the result of a recent survey of video-game players that lifelike graphics, appearing in several Whirlwind games, play the most important role in a video-game and launch an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old[由于前面用了一个and引导的这半个句子，没有主语的话就应该跟前面的助于一致，但前面的主语是graphics，就不通了]. While in my point of view, this statement suffers from several severe flaws as followed[follow].
The first suspect[suspect做名词是嫌疑犯的意思，从韦氏字典中查不到可疑之处的意思] springs from the survey itself, [这个地方或者把itself和逗号去掉直接跟后面的表语或者把后面的directed表语去掉]directed to video-game players. Was it led by a professional company or organization? Are the interviewees limited in a small range? To what extent is it reliable about the result? No convincible evidence can clear[can be used to clear] such suspects[doubtful point]. If the fundamental data or facts cannot prove justice and objective[cannot be proved to be objective], how could the conclusion, what matters most in a video-game is lifelike graphics, directly led by such basic elements be used as a proof of prediction about the sales?[整个句子有两个谓语，一个是is，另一个是be used as，看了四五遍还是没搞清楚这句究竟想表达什么意思] Meanwhile, there are no comparing statistical facts pointing out to[point out /poin to] what extent ‘most’ stands.
Secondly, whether the aimed age group, 10 to 25, can be technically regarded as the chief player group for the Whirlwind deserves doubting. Vigorous and curious about new things as they are, [单独看着前半句，很好，用的很地道，但是这句话用在这跟下文的意思有点现接不上]people aged between 10 and 25 have their own limitations to play video-games, one of which[个人还是认为用them会比较好，用which的话，跟前面的limitations离得太远，有指代不明的危险] concerns about[前面的which如果我没搞错的话应该是limitations，那就不能用concerns了，这个词的主语应该是人，这直接用is就好了]monetary matter. To have a better exciting experience in the games, they are always[always be] forced to upgrade their personal computers whose[that the] central processing units run frequently[fast] enough to undertake the considerable operations during the games; the conflict comes along between the money they demand and the little income. From this perspective, they are likely not the chief player group though they usually show great passion about playing such games. [本段的想法很新颖，感觉写的很专业]
Even worse, the author shows his increasing expectation on sales simply based on the factors above, plus extensive advertisements, but [本句的主语离得太远，还是在这再加上一次好，也不会影响语言的精炼]neglects the whole quality of Whirlwind games, industry sector trend, competitors’ products, as well as domestic economic environment. Even though Whirlwind video-games can aim to the chief players, such considerations have to be taken into [读着别扭，into后面跟个名词或者去掉into]while making the general prediction. A player does not only pursue for[pursue是及物动词，不用加for] visual satisfaction in a game, but also seeks comprehensive comfort, such as sound effect, role design, lasting interest[兴趣是人的而不是游戏的，或称charm]. Meanwhile, other video-game providers may also have noticed the trend and make every efforts to regain the proportion in this field, [which]definitely causing cut-throat competition. An even worse problem derives from domestic economic environment. As the unexpected sub-debt crisis spreads among the whole US, sharply declines the consuming in unnecessary products and services; as a dispensable service, video-games might be not well sold.
In sum, being short of authorized statistics about the survey, lacking of investigated facts about the chief consumer groups, showing inadequate relationship between all possible factors, it is not so persuasive to make the conclusion that there will be a sharp increasingly reverse on the sales of video-games for Whirlwind.
本文在逻辑上层次比较分明，每一段的观点也很明确，在过渡上也很自然，很值得我学习，可能是在行文中过分追求语言的复杂性而忽略了一些语法和主客体的关系，本文在思路上也是很开阔的，给了我很大的启发，语法不是我的强项，在改得时候难免有看不出来和看的并不正确的时候，请见谅，互相学习吧

[ 本帖最后由 honglingdang 于 2008-3-3 15:21 编辑 ]