COMEON作文小组------candyam 9月11日作业

candyamUID: 2325105

Is it real that advice from the older friends is more valuable than advice from contemporaries?  In my opinion, any advice, if rational and constructive, should be took into account, no matter who is the adviser.  However generally speaking, advice getting form the older friends is more valuable than that form friends of similar age.
In most cases, older friends' proposals are more rational, constructive, and especially farsighted.  For instance, when my big brother, one of my cousin, he dreamed to be a professional football player when he in his high school, and many friends of him at his age supported him.  Later my big brother came to asked my parents for their suggestions because they were his good friends.   My parents strongly opposed to his idea, they said that playing football is a good habit for the reason that it makes you strong and healthy, yet it is a bad idea to choose it as your career because most professional player cannot earn enough money to support their lives at present in our country and they always get so serious injury that have to end their campaign early, therefore professional athlete is a high-risk option.  My big brother listened to my parents' advice and went to college when he graduated form high school, and he got a good job in a famous IT company.  
Conclusion can be drew from my big brother's experience that older friends' advice are valuable than peers' in most cases for two reasons.  First of all, older friends experience lots of things and know better of the society than us.  Their advice may not easily to be accepted at first, after several years however, people can see the advantages of their advice.  Furthermore, older friends do not make decisions base on a impluse or personal preferences.  They give their advice under serious thought and consideration.  Therefore their advice is more farsighted, rational, and constructive than peers.   People should asked their older friends for their advice when they need to make crucial decisions in their lives rather than peers.

candiceheUID: 2543359

Is it real that advice from the older friends is more valuable than advice from contemporaries? (我用的是peer,不知道究竟哪个词更好点) In my opinion, any advice, if rational and constructive, should be took（taken） into account, no matter who is the adviser.  However generally speaking, advice getting form the older friends is more valuable than that form（from） friends of similar age.(感觉这句有点突然)

In most cases, older friends' proposals（这个词太大了，就直接用advice最恰当了） are more rational, constructive, and especially farsighted.  For instance, when my big brother（eldest brother）, one of my cousin, he dreamed to be a professional football player when he in his high school(千万不要犯这种语法错误when he is in high school), and many friends of him at his age supported him(his idea).  Later my big brother came to asked（ask） my parents for their suggestions because they were his good friends. (你的父母怎么是他的朋友，不是亲属关系么？)  My parents strongly opposed to his idea, they said that playing football is a good habit for the reason that it makes you（这里面要是用第二人称就相当于引用父母的话，就需要有引号，否则你就得使用第三人称陈述） strong and healthy, yet it is a bad idea to choose it as your career because most professional player cannot earn enough money to support their lives at present in our country and they always get so serious injury that（这个that指什么，要是用so…that句式必须that后面是句子，你后面缺主语） have to end their campaign early, therefore professional athlete is a high-risk option.  My big brother listened to（accept, listen to是正在听） my parents' advice and went to college when he graduated form high school, and he got a good job in a famous IT company.  

Conclusion can be drew from my big brother's experience that older friends' advice are valuable than peers' in most cases for two reasons.  First of all, older friends experience lots of things and know better of the society than us.  Their advice may not easily to be（being） accepted at first, after several years however, people can see (realize 意识到) the advantages of their advice.  Furthermore, older friends do not make decisions base on a （an） impluse or personal preferences.  They give their advice under(by) serious thought and consideration.  Therefore their advice is more farsighted, rational, and constructive than peers.   People should asked their older friends for their advice when they need to make crucial decisions in their lives rather than peers.(说的委婉点，it is better for people get ad from … )

总结：
1。用词方面有些问题，可以尽量借鉴托福阅读的文章的用词，感觉里面的用法都不错。
2。怎么感觉没有分论点分开论证，我不知道这样行不行。
3。注意单词拼写。

[ 本帖最后由 candicehe 于 2008-9-12 23:34 编辑 ]