ISSUE130 [FF小组]第二次作业---by wulfharth

wulfharthUID: 2460527

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 529          TIME: 01:34:45          DATE: 2008-11-5 17:44:54

In every society, issue about the socialization of children is very important. But I can not wholly accept the speaker's opinion that the level of children's socialization is the only determinant of the society's destiny, and we do not know how to raise children who can take us a better society in the future.

Firstly, before we talk about this issue we should talk about the socialization of children. As I see this, the definition of children's socialization at least includes three respects: To learn from other's behavior, to establish a well relationship between coeval then make effective communication with them, and to find the position where he or she belongs.

After talking about the definition of children's socialization, I concede the speaker's opinion that the degree of children's socialization is indeed a significant factor in determining the society's destiny. A ordinary society is made up of adults and adolescents, and if they are mostly not well socialized, the society would be in chaos and anarchy. But if there are all well socialized people, the society would be productive and prosperous.
However, the level of socialization is not the only important way to the better society. Overemphasizing the socialization would lead the children to the wrong way which might ignore other important parts of life. For example, the children's health is also a main factor; if in the period of childhood the children could not have enough exercises, the grownup weak adults finally could do nothing to build a better society, even if they are well socialized. And the academic knowledge has the similar significance in constructing a better society. The socialization of children is very important, but not the only vital factor, in determination of social destiny.

Although I can not wholly accept the speaker's 'determinism of socialized children', I admittedly accept the speaker's notion that we do not know how to raise children who can bring the world a better future. The children's parents and teacher, even the society as whole, always do not know what should do. Given some conditions, the parents are not well socialized, and they do not even understand the import of the socialization, but also the essentiality of other factors like health and knowledge. In that case, the children even can not be a complete human being. The schools and teachers also do not solve the educational problem far away. Many of them only focus on the scores but not the children's real needs. And unfortunately, the society sometimes recognizes this utilitarian method of work. We indeed need to learn how to raise children and should do more about that.

But we should not so sad about the future, the society is, and will be, never a system get everything ready beforehand. Our society is always adapted and reconstructed by the later generations. So we adults today do not need to worry about their future, just like our parents' anxiety about ours.

All in all, we ought to do our duties that offer our children a better environment that bring them up healthy and well socialized. And we also need to keep everything balanced in raising our children; neither neglecting, nor overemphasizing.

提纲：
1 开头
2 定义社会化
3 社会化的重要性
4 社会化不是唯一
5 我们的确做的还不够
6 发散了一下（不知道效果咋样:confused: ）
7 结尾

darlyxpUID: 2196136

原帖由 wulfharth 于 2008-11-5 17:59 发表
TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 529          TIME: 01:34:45          DATE: 2008-11-5 17:44:54

In every society, issue about the socialization of children is very important. But I can not wholly accept the speaker's opinion that the level of children's socialization is the only determinant of the society's destiny, and [and that] we do not know how to raise children who can take us a better society in the future. [开头提出不完全同意作者的观点,准确回应,不错]

Firstly, before we talk about [before talking about ] this issue we should talk about the socialization of children. As I see this, the definition of children's socialization at least includes three respects: To learn from other's behavior, to establish a well relationship between coeval [好词! 但貌似要用复数coevals ] then make effective communication with them [这样才能与前面的coevals对应] , and to find the position where he or she belongs [用belongs可以吗? 我也不清楚,你有查到相关的用法吗? 要是有的话,麻烦贴出来吧,我就是想知道一下,没别的意思].

After talking about the definition of children's socialization, I concede the speaker's opinion that the degree of children's socialization is indeed a significant factor in determining the society's destiny. A [An] ordinary society is made up of adults and adolescents, and if they are mostly not well socialized, the society would be in chaos and anarchy. But if there are all well socialized people, the society would be productive and prosperous. [While the society would be productive and prosperous if the public were well socialized. 不知这样会不会更好?] [问题:你没有回答为什么"如果人们的社会化程度不高的时候这个社会可以会混乱,而社会化程度好的社会就会蒸蒸日上". 阅卷人需要的是你的论证--Why?]

However, the level of socialization is not the only important way to the better society. Overemphasizing the socialization would lead the children to the wrong way which might ignore other important parts of life. For example, the children's health is also a main factor; if in the period of childhood the children could not have enough exercises , [the children could not have enough exercises in their childhood] the grownup weak adults finally could do nothing to build a better society, [你想表达"当这些没有从小就没有得到锻炼的孩子长大成人时,尤其在面对build a better society的时候,这些瘦弱的身驱会力不从心"吗? 但是前面一句的主语是children,这一句又说adults,貌似有点不妥吧? 你可以说when they grow up... ], even if they are well socialized. And the academic knowledge has the similar significance in constructing a better society. The socialization of children is very important, but not the only vital factor, in determination of social destiny. [能举例,很好! 但是, 举的例子not well-developed, 只是一句话带过去了. 1.你说health也是很重要,当他们长大成人时they can do nothing to buile a better society. 为什么他们can do nothing?你没有回答, 当然就不能很好地证明你的观点了. 2.同样, academic knowledge也很重要.那么请问你,为什么academic knowledge重要呢?你可以说,因为学术上的建树,会让们掌握更多的本领,解决更的社会问题,为资本主义这会或社会主义社会添砖加瓦 such such... 这样一来,就很好的论证了你的观点.]

Although I can not wholly accept the speaker's 'determinism of socialized children', I admittedly accept the speaker's notion that we do not know how to raise children who can bring the world a better future. [这一句跟你开头的观点反了吧?你开头不是说不同意"we do not know how to raise children who can take us a better society in the future."吗? 怎么这里又accept了呢?   退一步说, 你这里accept了, 那么把开头段我给你加的那个"that"去掉, 你的开头段那句话就有错误了, 要说"and I agree with the speaker's insofar as we do not know how to raise ..."才合理一点吧?] The children's parents and teacher, even the society as whole, always do not know what should do. [what they should do] Given some conditions, the parents are not well socialized, and they do not even understand the import of the socialization, but also [???] the essentiality of other factors like health and knowledge. In that case, the children even can not be a complete human being. The schools and teachers also do not solve the educational problem far away. Many of them only focus on the scores but not the children's real needs. And unfortunately, the society sometimes recognizes this utilitarian method of work. We indeed need to learn how to raise children and should do more about that.

But we should not so sad about the future, the society is, and will be, never a system get everything ready beforehand. Our society is always adapted and reconstructed by the later generations. So we adults today do not need to worry about their future, just like our parents' anxiety about ours. [你前面说了那么多的问题,学校,父母,社会,云云...都even do not know how to raise children... 这里却说我们不必担心. 为什么不用担心? 因为"Our society is always adapted and reconstructed by the later generations."吗? 好,既然他们自己都会好起来,那上段你指出来的学校的问题,父母的问题,社会的问题...为了证明什么呢?  我个人的意见, 还不如删掉这一段.]

All in all, we ought to do our duties that offer our children a better environment that bring them up healthy and well socialized. And we also need to keep everything balanced in raising our children; neither neglecting, nor overemphasizing.

---------------
总结:
1.总体来讲,写得还流畅.赞一个!
2.总体的问题,展开不充分,无论是例子也好,论证也好,都不是well-developed.如果在这方面加强一点,文章的说服力就会好很多.
3.文章写到后面,貌似与开头段矛盾了... 再楼主再检查一下吧
4.发散得不好,建议没有把握的情况下,别冒险...
5.声明一下,在下才疏学浅,文章也写得楼主烂得多,根本不是一个档次的,有的时候说话可能重了一点... 不要介意
6.共勉一下!能写出来就很好了.我到现在还没有写呢,没办法,白天要上班...

wulfharthUID: 2460527

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 555          TIME: 01:29:36          DATE: 2008-11-25 16:54:43

In every society, issue about the socialization of children is very important and noticeable. Although I can not wholly accept the speaker's opinion that the degree of children's socialization is the only determinant of the societal destiny, I partially admit that we do not know how to raise children who can take us a better society in the future.

Firstly, before talking about this issue we should talk about how to define the socialization of children. As I see it, the definition of children's socialization at least includes three respects: To learn from other's behavior, to establish a well relationship between coevals then make effective communication with them, and to find the position where he or she belongs to.

After talking about the definition of children's socialization, I would concede the speaker's assertion that the level of children's socialization is indeed a significant factor in the societal destiny determination. An ordinary society is made up of adults and adolescents, but if they are mostly not well socialized, the society would be in chaos and anarchy. For example, a statistics, which is made by the International Association of Psychology(IAP), indicate that almost seventy percent of criminals whom the IAP researches have ill-socialization. If these criminals, during their childhood, are well socialized, they might not commit the crime and have a good life to live. While the society would be productive and prosperous if the public were well socialized.

However, the grade of socialization is not the only vital factor to the better society. Overemphasizing the importance of the socialization would lead the children, even the society, to the wrong way which might ignore other important parts of life. For example, the children's health is also a main factor in building a better world. If the children could not have enough exercises in the period of childhood, even well socialized, they could do nothing to build a better society when they grow up as adults. And the academic knowledge has the similar significance in constructing a better society. The knowledge about the science and art could be the key to many social issues. The ignorant man only could do nothing, even could harm to himself. The socialization of children is an important factor, but not the vital one, in determination of societal destiny.

Although I can not wholly accept the speaker's determinism of children's socialization, I partially admit that we do not know how to raise children who can bring the world a better future. The children's parents and teachers, even the society as whole, always do not know what they should do. So many ill-socialized parents know little about how to socialize their own children, even they might not know themselves. So many schools and teachers only care the scores and completely ignore how children's socialization. Even the society pays little attention to the children. Perhaps the increasing youth crime rate is the undesirable result of ill-socialized and repayment for the adults' carelessness.

All in all, we ought to do our duties better to offer our children a better environment that brings them up healthy, well socialized and acquainted. And we also need to keep everything balanced in raising our children, neither neglecting, nor overemphasizing. The way, in that way, is the way to the better society.

[ 本帖最后由 wulfharth 于 2008-11-25 17:28 编辑 ]

陈星君UID: 2416582

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 555          TIME: 01:29:36          DATE: 2008-11-25 16:54:43

In every society, issue about the socialization of children is very important and noticeable. Although I can not wholly accept the speaker's opinion that the degree of children's socialization is the only determinant of the societal destiny, I partially admit that we do not know how to raise children who can take us a better society in the future.

Firstly, before talking about this issue we should talk about how to define the socialization of children. As I see it, the definition of children's socialization at least includes three respects: To learn from other's behavior, to establish a well relationship between coevals then make effective communication with them, and to find the position where he or she belongs to.

After talking about the definition of children's socialization, I would concede the speaker's assertion that the level of children's socialization is indeed a significant factor in the societal destiny determination. An ordinary society is made up of adults and adolescents, but if they are mostly not well socialized, the society would be in chaos and anarchy. For example, a statistics, which is made by the International Association of Psychology(IAP), indicates that almost seventy percent of criminals whom the IAP researches have ill-socialization. If these criminals, during their childhood, are well socialized, they might not commit the crime and have a good life to live.是否用虚拟语气？ While? the society would be productive and prosperous if the public were well socialized.

However, the grade of socialization is not the only vital factor to the better society. Overemphasizing the importance of the socialization would lead the children, even the society, to the wrong way which might ignore other important parts of life. For example, the children's health is also a main factor in building a better world. If the children could not have enough exercises in the period of childhood, even well socialized, they could do nothing to build a better society when they grow up as adults. And the academic knowledge has the similar significance in constructing a better society. The knowledge about the science and art could be the key to many social issues. The ignorant man only could do nothing, even could harm to himself. The socialization of children is an important factor, but not the vital one, in determination of societal destiny.

Although I can not wholly accept the speaker's determinism of children's socialization, I partially admit that we do not know how to raise children who can bring the world a better future. The children's parents and teachers, even the society as whole, always do not know what they should do. So many ill-socialized parents know little about how to socialize their own children, even they might not know themselves. So many schools and teachers only care the scores and completely ignore how children's socialization. Even the society pays little attention to the children. Perhaps the increasing youth crime rate is the undesirable result of ill-socialized and repayment for the adults' carelessness.

All in all, we ought to do our duties better to offer our children a better environment that brings them up healthy, well socialized and acquainted. And we also need to keep everything balanced in raising our children, neither neglecting, nor overemphasizing. The way, in that way, is the way to the better society.


1.“虽然concede --- Overemphasizing the importance --- not wholly accept ，但是...”文章的中心应该在后面部分，可作者只是几句话~~partially admit ...
2.结尾部分好象与前面不搭界？