[Dark-Tournament-TOEFL备战军]第二次写作作业---也请组外的大侠们狠狠狠拍

ock11UID：2510283

Topic:
People attend college and university for many different reasons(for example: new experience, preparation career, or increased knowledge). Why do you think about people attend colledge or university??  Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


Education has nonpareil merits for humanity. College education is one kind of education. Logically, college education has great benefits for people according to syllogism. Since college education has significant advantages for people, then in most cases, it is natural for people to incline to attend college or university on certain time in their lives. As for the reasons why people want to attend college or university, I try to give some ones as follows.

At first I want to discuss some concepts about education. What is the purpose of education? What is the merit of education? I think that education can shape students’ virtues and can help students to understand the world deeply. In the above-mentioned two aspects, education all has such great merits for people, so naturally people are eager to attend college

First of all, education can shape students’ virtues. Thus, people hope to attend college. Education can shape students’ virtues, such as goodness, respect, compassion, devotion and so on. Education can shape a person’s soul; education can cultivate a real human beings; education can make everyone to culminate in perfection. Of course, college education can provide such a function. Perhaps, someone would refute me， “I have already been an adult, I cannot change a bit.“ Though I think that this opinion is right to some extent, nevertheless I believe that : you can change yourself as long as you WILL; a frog can become a swan as long as you WILL; a Cinderella can become a princess as long as you WILL.

Secondly, education can help students to understand the world profoundly. Hence, people wish to attend college. College can supply both a wide scale of and a large number of subjects for students. Not only can you broaden your scope of knowledge through a great quantity of extensive reading, but also you can deepen your thought through absorbed focusing on a specific issue. College is also able to provide an outstanding faculty to impart you knowledge and answer your questions.

Besides, education can provide students with a valuable environment of diversity. Consequently, people like to attend college. In a college, there are all kinds of people with various personality, disposition, culture, notion and so forth. Every culture, every notion has its value. In life, do not lack merits, but lack discovery. So long as you own an ocean-like broad-mindedness, you must be able to obtain abundant nutrition from the environment of diversity.

Besides the above three reasons, I think, there are still many reasons for people to attend college. College education does have stupendous merits for people. I feel that, in most cases, for most people, it is sensible for people to attend college in some time in their lives.

new_dromedaryUID：2568083

写的不错啊，至少比我写的好
我还在发愁咋写~~:o
而且lz的文章里还有几个单词不认得啊:funk:
反正先顶一个啦，向lz看齐啦~~
PS：最后两段的开头第一个单词都是besides..,感觉读起来有些别扭啊，看可以把第三个原因的开头换成 In addition,the most of all之类的(好像回到四六级水平了，不要丢鸡蛋:funk: )

ock11UID：2510283

我的作文有很浓的中式英语味道，用词也只是凭平时阅读中的印象在写，并没有把握，花哨的句式和连词和难词用的到底对不对，我一点底都没有，难词基本上是现查字典现拼凑，知识领域是我的强项，但是英语却是我的弱项，词汇和语法上的大量错误大家都把它指出来吧。


[ 本帖最后由 ock11 于 2008-11-8 21:12 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID：2565872

Education has nonpareil (这么文的词都能用，俺得拜拜..俺自己还停留在只懂得用unsurpassed的程度上..:eek: ) merits for humanity. College education is one kind of education. Logically, (海啸汗，您不会是看了俺的三段论论才这么写的吧。。内个logically这种和actually一样此地无银的词就还是不要用了，因为college education这个词组的构成本身已经说明它是a kind of education，所以其实小前提都不用写的说。。直接college education is an important part of the education system and .....就好了..怎么说呢，三段论还是留到论点开始展开的时候才用吧，立论的时候就不需要了，因为立论不是说理，这一点区别对议论文来说很重要) college education It has great benefits for people according to syllogism (现在俺非常确定您被俺教坏了。。大窘啊。。主要问题是，难道不根据三段论来论述，大学教育就没用了吗?..大学教育很有用，这是您作为这篇文章的底基basis的一个事实fact, 而不是这篇文章需要说理的论点argument, 所以实际上不需要由三段论来建立..三段论不是逻辑的qualification system，不是说只有照三段论来的逻辑才是好逻辑，它只是一种可以让逻辑表述很严密的方式，一种模板..当然就更用不着前头尾后地告诉考官‘俺这儿用的是三段论啊，俺的逻辑可是很严密地~’..). Since college education has significant advantages for people, then in most cases, it is natural for people to incline to attend college or university on certain time in their lives. As for the reasons why people want to attend college or university, I try to give some ones as follows.

At first I want to discuss some concepts about education. What is the purpose of education? What is the merit of education? I think that education can shape students’ virtues and can help students to understand the world deeply. In the above-mentioned two aspects (这部分可以考虑和后面半句换一下顺序), education all has such great merits for people, so naturally people are eager to attend college

First of all, education can shape students’ virtues. Thus, people hope to attend college. Education can shape students’ virtues (不需要把论点重复这么多次，而且最忌在说理没有展开之前重复结论 - 如果读者可以直接明白你头两句之间的关系，那不是干脆就不用你在后面写这么多解释了么 - 结论放在最后提回就好，如果你的逻辑关系够清晰，读者看到结论的时候自然心满意足) , such as goodness (这是一个很模糊的词，最好换个) , respect, compassion, devotion and so on. Education can shape a person’s soul; education can cultivate a real human beings; education can make everyone to culminate in perfection. (I think your use of the word 'can' is turning to be offensive. It seems to apply that without formal education, one cannot be a good person. It's safer to just say 'Education helps to cultivate real human beings', which doesn't exclude other means of achieveing perfection.) Of course, college education can provide such a function (...how? If education in general has all these benefits, why must one seek college education in particular?). Perhaps, someone would refute me with “I have already been an adult, I cannot change a bit.“ Though I think that this opinion is right to some extent, nevertheless I believe that : you can change yourself as long as you WILL; a frog can become a swan as long as you WILL (技术上来说这是不可能的。。而且用大写字母会让作文显得非常浅薄。您在学校是干学生会还是社团领袖还是辩论队的么？作文总透着演讲稿味儿。无意冒犯，若有唐突还请见谅 ;) ); a Cinderella can become a princess as long as you WILL. (您的作文题目是人为什么要上大学，不是人要改变自己达到完美目标)

Secondly, education can help students to understand the world profoundly. Hence, people wish to attend college (again, if education in general can supply this 'profound' knowledge, why must you mention college education in particular? You have reasons explained later, but you must make it clear that these merits are difficult to obtain anywhere else except in universities, therefore people seek to attend them). College can supply both a wide scale range of and a large number of subjects for students. Not only can you broaden your scope of knowledge through a great quantity of extensive reading, but also you can deepen your thoughts through absorbed in-depth focusing on a specific issues. College is also able to provide an outstanding faculty to impart you their knowledge and answer your questions.

Besides, education can provide students with a valuable environment of diversity. Consequently, people like to attend college. (same issue as above. How is college education special if you keep talking about education in a general setting?) In a college, there are all kinds of people with various personalities, dispositions, cultural backgrounds, notions and so forth. Every culture, every notion has its value. In life, does not lack merits, but lacks discovery (原文缺主语. 改了之后还是很奇怪的一句话. 中文里面‘生活中不缺少好处，只缺少发现’严格来说也是个病句，请避免直翻) . So long as you own an ocean-like broad-mindedness (*热泪盈眶地*您就直接用个比喻，a heart like a sea, 放过可怜的考官吧。。), you must will be able to obtain abundant nutrition from the a diverse environment of diversity. (演讲稿逻辑又出现了。。~作文的问题是人为什么要上大学，不是多样性的环境有什么好人应该用什么心态对待。。)

Besides the above three reasons, I think, there are still many reasons for people to attend college. College education does have stupendous merits for people. I feel that, in most cases, for most people, it is sensible for people to attend college in some time in their lives.

总结：

1. 其实看到lz每次都这么激情洋溢的作文，实在是不太忍心说，但是。。议论文是不应该写成演讲稿的。。

2. 问题是人为什么要上大学。你的论点其实是：因为上大学有好处(merits of education)。然后总结了两个merits的分论点，然后花了两段讲这两个分论点：上大学可以做好人 - 上大学可以得到好好的知识。最后提出一个前面的merits里没提到的 上大学可以感受多样性环境。。这个组织不太好。你要么不要把前面两个分论点总结成merits（不然就变成一个论点了)，要么不要把两个分论点分成两段写，它们和最后一个论点不是一个等级的，要么就干脆用一个merits总结出三个分论点然后一段一个。你现在的论点的树形图是这样的：

Why people attend college
|__The merits of college education (这是第二段特别总括的)
      |__shape virtues
      |__help students understand the world deeply
|__diverse environment

明显是有问题，主要是第二段的总括让人预认为你要谈的就是两件事情，结果突然跳出来第三个论点，自然是没头没脑。请好好练习列提纲。

[ 本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2008-11-9 15:03 编辑 ]

candyrealmeUID：2368154

楼上改的很好，我也有同感！其实文章很好，但是不太像议论文了，LZ是刚考完G吧，感觉和G文章的脉络有点像~呵呵~
还有第二段的几个排比还可以更精彩一点！用几个education can显得有点大单调！

ock11UID：2510283

非常感谢几位的精彩，准确的点评，mpromanus 强大的实力又再次得到了体现，三段论当然是你的教导了，我跟学生会什么的没有任何关系，演讲稿风格我确实要改一改，要琢磨应试作文的写法。

我对我的语言很担心，阅读量很小，只是凭主观感觉在那写，平时练得也太少。语言上的问题还请大家多指出来。

to mpromanus: 我的连词用的不知道对不对？有没有错误？一旦连词用错了，那麻烦就大了。

transformersUID：2307599

哥们～～这个应该是我改～但是mpromanus改的都能当范文了～我貌似只能往错处改了～～我好好学习你写的作文去了～～比我高很多～～拜过～～

mpromanusUID：2565872

6楼: 不好意思拖这么久才回复你的问题，俺是今天才发觉某篇俺改过的文章下面还有人问问题，才开始检查所有改过的帖。。

关于你的连词: 除了最后一段和倒数第二段连用besides有些那个之外，俺觉得你的连词用得挺好（你可以用apart from代替besides）。。但是还是要强调一下，连词再好，逻辑本身的内容有问题也是不行的，所以还是要注意全面提高哦~