issue130【文以载道小组】第1次作业2008.11.09 西瓜

G嘻哈DUID: 2454459

Basically, I cannot totally give my consent to this position since it’s specious on both sides. It seems attempting to agree with the assertion considering that we are all social creatures and children are  tomorrow’s sunshine. However the speaker forget other factors which will also be decisive. Moreover, the conclusion that “we haven’t learned yet how to raise children for better society ” has not a leg to stand on since the majority of empirical evidence prove that we are living in a “better society”.
    First of all ,there is no doubt that our bright future depends largely on the socialization of children. Considering they are the potential pillars of our society and since we are all social creatures, just like Marx once said "The nature of human being is the combination of every social relationship you have", how the children are  socialized and get alone well with others exerts a significant impact not only on the success of themselves but also on the progress of whole society.   
     However, it’s also quite obvious that the writer ignores other elements which are also decisive on the destiny of society. For example, the rapid development of technology like computer and Internet has led to much more convenient life styles and higher level of living standards. This has no much to do with the process of socialization but with the exploration and research of experts. On the contrary, sometimes is not the socialization but the solitude contributes more to a better society. The famous writer and philosopher Henry Thoreau spent more than 2 years alone in a wooden house near the lake where the sparkles of wisdom never stopped. His masterpiece Waldon has a far reaching influence on the literature and the society as a whole. So escaping from the noisy metropolis and complicated interpersonal relationships may be a good way to clam down ourselves and maintain the peaceful heart.
   Simply put , the influence of socialization has been exaggerated by the writer. By emphasizing too much on the socialization , there also comes the dangerous fault---- kids are being pushed in front of the society too early, this is definitely of no need.On the one hand , the socialization of child is just a matter of time , soon or later every kid will become an mutual or even sophisticated adult unless they are totally alienated from the whole society, just like the wolf child. On the other hand , being exposed too much of the cruel and dark sides of the real society, which is beyond the understanding of children ,they are tend to lose their purity and become boring and pragmatic adults too early. Some may even feel more confused and result in ironic or antisocial attitude.
   Secondly , the writer's extreme position that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society flies in the face of the tremendous empirical evidence. Today we are living in a world where human rights is earning more and more respects, collaboration beyond the boundaries of culture and nations are being conducted, people become more sensitive to the feelings of vulnerable groups such as females,handicapped and minority. Despite some existing problems which we are trying to tackle with, like pollution , ever increasing population etc. , all the empirical evidence points out that we are living in a unprecedented "better society".
   In my final analysis, when it comes the the destiny of society , there are large number of factors which may all contribute to a difference, socialization is just one of the decisive ones but it's definitely not the only one. And the writer's assumption that we havn't figured out a proper way to raise our kids who can help bring about a better society is too arbitrary considering the empirical evidence.


这是我的第一篇ISSUE。。大家多多指教啊


[ 本帖最后由 G嘻哈D 于 2008-11-9 23:37 编辑 ]

krissyUID: 2568910

好厉害啊，第一篇issue，就能写成这样！太强了！

Anny.Y.WangUID: 2178596

占楼  周三之前改好

G嘻哈DUID: 2454459

现在要怎么互改哈

kennith_leeUID: 199791

说明：红色为感觉有误的地方；蓝色为值得学习的地方；暗红为我的批注。
           由于个人水平，所作批注仅供参考和交流。有批错地方还请原谅。   
    Basically, I cannot totally give my consent to this position since it’s specious on both sides. It seems attempting to agree with the assertion considering that we are all social creatures and children are  tomorrow’s sunshine. However the speaker forget other factors which will also be decisive. Moreover, the conclusion that “we haven’t learned yet how to raise children for better society ” has not a leg to stand on since the majority of empirical evidence prove that we are living in a “better society”.
(开篇观点：不完全同意。1. 原观点忽略其它决定优质社会的因素；2. 当前优质社会的事实反驳了“我们不会教育孩子来创造优质社会”的结论)
    First of all ,there is no doubt that our bright future depends largely on the socialization of children. Considering they are the potential pillars of our society and since we are all social creatures, just like Marx once said "The nature of human being is the combination of every social relationship you have", how the children are  socialized and get alone well with others exerts a significant impact not only on the success of themselves but also on the progress of whole society.
(主题句：孩子的社会化决定了未来。人的社会性+孩子的社会栋梁+马克思的“人是社会关系的总和”→社会化很重要。比较严密，但是觉得句子偏长。另外，仅仅马克思的一句话来论证这个主题句有点势单力薄)
     However, it’s also quite obvious that the writer ignores other elements which are also decisive on the destiny of society. For example, the rapid development of technology like computer and Internet has led to much more convenient life styles and higher level of living standards. (这儿我不确定用“技术进步”和“社会化”进行并列对比是否合适？)This has no much to do with the process of socialization but with the exploration and research of experts. On the contrary, sometimes is not the socialization but the solitude contributes more to a better society. The famous writer and philosopher Henry Thoreau spent more than 2 years alone in a wooden house near the lake where the sparkles of wisdom never stopped. His masterpiece Waldon has a far reaching influence on the literature and the society as a whole. So escaping from the noisy metropolis and complicated interpersonal relationships may be a good way to clam down ourselves and maintain the peaceful heart. (这儿Thoreau的例子感觉有点牵强，他能说明solitude→优质社会？？)
(主题句：其它因素很重要。觉得第二个例子论证不是很严谨，独处是Thoreau的火花源吗？如果是，那么独处对“优质社会”的作用也是有点牵强)
   Simply put , the influence of socialization has been exaggerated by the writer. By emphasizing too much on the socialization , there also comes the dangerous fault---- kids are being pushed in front of the society too early, this is definitely of no need.On the one hand , the socialization of child is just a matter of time , soon or later every kid will become an mutual or even sophisticated adult unless they are totally alienated from the whole society(这儿下的结论太绝对), just like the wolf child(这句话感觉没什么用). On the other hand , being exposed too much of the cruel and dark sides of the real society, which is beyond the understanding of children ,they are tend to lose their purity and become boring and pragmatic adults too early. Some may even feel more confused and result in ironic or antisocial attitude.
(主题句：社会化的作用被夸大。孩子可能过早进入社会一方面没必要，另一方面容易误导。感觉本段主题句应该改成：过分强调社会化的害处。这样与后面的分析似乎更吻合一点)
   Secondly , the writer's extreme position that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society flies in the face of the tremendous empirical evidence. Today we are living in a world where human rights is earning more and more respects, collaboration beyond the boundaries of culture and nations are being conducted, people become more sensitive to the feelings of vulnerable groups such as females,handicapped and minority.(排比论证有力！) Despite some existing problems which we are trying to tackle with, like pollution (这插入句什么作用，是强调吗？感觉可以删掉) , ever increasing population etc. (删除) , all the empirical evidence  points out that we are living in a(n) unprecedented "better society".
(主题句：事实证明了“我们不会教育孩子来建立优质社会”的结论太极端)
   In my final analysis, when it comes the the destiny of society , there are large number of factors which may all contribute to a difference, socialization is just one of the decisive ones but it's definitely not the only one(这句好像双谓语了) . And the writer's assumption that we havn't figured out a proper way to raise our kids who can help bring about a better society(这儿与前面重复叙述，建议删除或简化) is too arbitrary considering the empirical evidence.

简评：作者呈现了一篇不错的作文，我学到了很多。
1.思路明确，论证不错：提出观点→社会化很重要→其它重要因素→不能过分强调社会化作用→实践证明观点偏激→返回结论；
2. 个别例子做论据有点牵强；
3.语言功底很好，但是感觉句子偏长。

[ 本帖最后由 kennith_lee 于 2008-11-14 16:46 编辑 ]

cadgetUID: 2565428

Basically, I cannot totally give my consent to this position since it’s specious on both sides.(中心思想：两个都否定) It seems attempting to agree with the assertion considering that we are all social creatures and children are tomorrow’s sunshine. However the speaker forgets other factors which will also be decisive（一个主题句：还有其它决定因素）. Moreover, the conclusion that “we haven’t learned yet how to raise children for better society ” has not a leg to stand on（这个语言很地道） since the majority of empirical evidence prove that we are living in a “better society”. （另一个主题句：我们生活在一个好的社会）   

First of all ,there is no doubt that our bright future depends largely on the socialization of children.（主题句：让步，承认社会化对未来有好处） Considering they are the potential pillars of our society and since we are all social creatures, just like Marx（ETS是排斥马克思的，建议把这句去掉） once said "The nature of human being is the combination of every social relationship you have", how the children are  socialized and get alone well with others exerts a significant impact not only on the success of themselves but also on the progress of whole society. （引用名人的话论证社会化的重要性略显单薄，这里再发挥下，而且尽量不要引用马克思或者达尔文的话）   

     

However, it’s also quite obvious that the writer ignores other elements which are also decisive on the destiny of society（主题句：论者忽略决定社会命运的其它因素，和开头相呼应）. For example, the rapid development of technology like computer and Internet has led to much more convenient life styles and higher level of living standards. This has no much to do with the process of socialization but with the exploration and research of experts.（先论证再例证，直接例证多少显得有些单薄）On the contrary, sometimes is not the socialization but the solitude contributes more to a better society. The famous writer and philosopher Henry Thoreau spent more than 2 years alone in a wooden house near the lake where the sparkles of wisdom never stopped. His masterpiece Waldon has a far reaching influence on the literature and the society as a whole. So escaping from the noisy metropolis and complicated interpersonal relationships may be a good way to clam down ourselves and maintain the peaceful heart. （正反论证用的很好，结尾再总结下使之更圆满）  

Simply put , the influence of socialization has been exaggerated by the writer. （主题句：过分强调社会化的负面效果，开头也应该提一下，这样才能呼应起来）By emphasizing too much on the socialization , there also comes the dangerous fault---- kids are being pushed in front of the society too early,（过分重视社会化和过早进行社会化是不同的概念） this is definitely of no need.On the one hand , the socialization of child is just a matter of time , soon or later every kid will become an mutual or even sophisticated adult unless they are totally alienated from the whole society, just like the wolf child. On the other hand , being exposed too much of the cruel and dark sides of the real society, which is beyond the understanding of children ,they are tend to lose their purity and become boring and pragmatic adults too early. Some may even feel more confused and result in ironic or antisocial attitude.（这一段的论证只能说明过早进行社会化不好，不能说明过分强调社会化的负面效果）   

Secondly , the writer's extreme position that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society flies in the face of the tremendous empirical evidence（主题句：论者说我们没有学会抚养能够改善社会的孩子站不住脚）. Today we are living in a world where human rights is earning more and more respects, collaboration beyond the boundaries of culture and nations are being conducted, people become more sensitive to the feelings of vulnerable groups such as females,handicapped and minority. Despite some existing problems which we are trying to tackle with, like pollution , ever increasing population etc. , all the empirical evidence points out that we are living in a unprecedented "better society".（这一段说明了我们现在生活在一个美好的社会，这里需要一个纽带：美好的社会和孩子社会化的关系，有了这个纽带，我们就可以说明美好的社会是由于孩子很好的社会化的原因，从而说明我们学会了抚养孩子。少了这个纽带，全文写的就不是一个主题）

In my final analysis, when it comes the the destiny of society , there are large number of factors which may all contribute to a difference, socialization is just one of the decisive ones but it's definitely not the only one（这句话有点问题）. And the writer's assumption that we havn't figured out a proper way to raise our kids who can help bring about a better society is too arbitrary considering the empirical evidence.

1.       观点清晰，层次分明，各段主题句清晰，语言功底很强~~！
2.       有些地方论证有些单薄，有些地方逻辑有些错误导致论证和主题有些脱节。

[ 本帖最后由 cadget 于 2008-11-14 15:00 编辑 ]

G嘻哈DUID: 2454459

谢谢大家的修改啊。。。