argument76【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第四次作业 by irvine666

irvine666UID: 2575525

虽然限时失败，不过看到字数我乐了，天若亡我...呸呸呸，大吉大利！

提纲：
1.调查没有具体的人数，也不保证取样的随机性，不能支持结论。
2.调查中先用肥皂再用Luxess不能保证效果全部来自Luxess。
3.一个月的有效时间不代表一直有效，好的外表和感觉也不代表真的有效。（最后提到了一个很虚无的可能性...当时自己都觉得很扯，不过还是硬着头皮给它写下来了）

TOPIC: ARGUMENT76 - The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.

"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."
WORDS: 444          TIME: 00:42:42          DATE: 2009-1-3 下午 08:50:13

In this argument, the conclusion, Luxess face cream is truly effective in improving the facial skin, made by the investigation that includes a group of volunteers, to my understanding, is not so cogent as it seems to be.

First of all, the author tries to persuade his reader by an inquisition only included "A group of volunteers". However, the number of respondents taken part in the survey is exiguous and the volunteers investigated are not chosen randomly. For example, maybe the respondents mostly are the employees of the corporation which produces Luxess face cream, or they are the adolescents whose facial skins improve day by day due to the growth. Consequently, it is doubtful that the Luxess face cream is really effective in improving the condition of face.

Moreover, perhaps the improvement reported by most volunteers is not on account of Luxess, but rather, the mild soap. As the argument, the respondents washed their face first with mild soap and then applied Luxess, thus the impactful melioration of facial skin is possibly because of the mild soap or the Luxess face cream itself or the complex interaction between them. How the author is certain of the improvement is by reason of the Luxess, not other possibilities? Since is not well supported by the scarcity of further information, the conclusion can't be illustrated unilaterally.  

Finally, even if the respondents participated in the survey are well-chosen and  the amount of them is large enough to become representative, as well as the improvement is indeed a result of the Luxess, a month improvement in looking and feeling is insufficient to sustain that Luxess is truly effective in improving facial skin. Perhaps, the face cream works mainly in the appearance, not the quality of skin, or the duration of the effective improvement of Luxess is only a month. Furthermore, whether the new Luxess face cream is beneficial to health is doubtful. As we all know, cosmetics effective to good look are not so healthy to body. For instance, Ancient women occasionally paint tittle of arsenic on their faces and lips to guarantee they are red enough. Without the information that there is no toxin in the face cream, consumers may become victims.

As is mentioned above, the author demonstrates a conclusion with many logical fallacies and no irrefutable evidences. More information of the Luxess face cream should be referred to, such as the number of respondents, the areas of simples, as well as the certification by authority health ministry to ensure the safety in using the production. Besides, the way the investigation conducted should be shifted to exclude the impact of mild soap or other possible matters.

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

In this argument, the conclusion, Luxess face cream is truly effective in improving the facial skin, made by the investigation that includes a group of volunteers, to my understanding, is not so cogent as it seems to be.（长句不错）

First of all, the author tries to persuade his reader by an inquisition only included "A group of volunteers". 【However, the number of respondents taken part in the survey is exiguous and the volunteers investigated are not chosen randomly】（这句是你的推断，应该用怀疑的语气，而不是绝对的语气）. For example, maybe the respondents mostly are the employees of the corporation which produces Luxess face cream, or they are the adolescents whose facial skins improve day by day due to the growth. Consequently, it is doubtful that the Luxess face cream is really effective in improving the condition of face.

Moreover, perhaps the improvement reported by most volunteers is not on account of Luxess, but rather, the mild soap. As the argument, the respondents washed their face first with mild soap and then applied Luxess, thus the impactful melioration of facial skin is possibly because of the mild soap or the Luxess face cream itself or the complex interaction between them. How the author is certain of the improvement is by reason of the Luxess, not other possibilities? Since is not well supported by the scarcity of further information, the conclusion can't be illustrated unilaterally.  

Finally, even if the respondents participated in the survey are well-chosen and  the amount of them is large enough to become representative, as well as the improvement is indeed a result of the Luxess, a month improvement in looking and feeling is insufficient to sustain that Luxess is truly effective in improving facial skin. Perhaps, the face cream works mainly in the appearance, not the quality of skin, or the duration of the effective improvement of Luxess is only a month. Furthermore, whether the new Luxess face cream is beneficial to health is doubtful. As we all know, cosmetics effective to good look are not so healthy to body. 【For instance, Ancient women occasionally paint tittle of arsenic on their faces and lips to guarantee they are red enough】（实例很好啊）. Without the information that there is no toxin in the face cream, consumers may become victims.

As is mentioned above, the author demonstrates a conclusion with many logical fallacies and no irrefutable evidences. More information of the Luxess face cream should be referred to, such as the number of respondents, the areas of simples, as well as the certification by authority health ministry to ensure the safety in using the production. Besides, the way the investigation conducted should be shifted to exclude the impact of mild soap or other possible matters.


Irvine的词汇让我汗颜啊。。。和你的差距很大。。。看你的文章每次都能让我认识很多单词，但是我改的却不是很有效果，毕竟我也刚开始练习，写作也没什么经验。
下次我跳空，要考试了，估计要等个很多天

jenny11235UID: 2585428

In this argument, the conclusion, Luxess face cream is truly effective in improving the facial skin made by the investigation that includes a group of volunteers（概括的不好，这句基本没用，哪个实验不是很多人参加？即使为了下面驳斥做准备也没体现它的特点）, to my understanding, is not so cogent as it seems to be.First of all, the author tries to persuade his reader（readers） by an inquisition（inquisition 这个词的英文解释是：An inquisition is an official investigation, especially one which is very thorough and uses harsh methods of questioning.所以很明显和后面不搭） only included "A group of volunteers". However, the number of respondents taken part in the survey is exiguous（good！） and the volunteers investigated are not chosen randomly. For example, maybe the respondents mostly are the employees of the corporation which produces Luxess face cream, or they are the adolescents whose facial skins improve day by day due to the growth. Consequently, it is doubtful that the Luxess face cream is really effective in improving the condition of face.（两个反例很不错，但都是驳斥not chosen randomly, 而前面用and 并列提了两个问题即数量模糊和not chosen randomly，后面只驳斥了一个，其实数量的质疑是想接着指下面most people report the improvement没代表性，但没进一步再提，红色画出来的感觉啰嗦有重复之嫌）Moreover, perhaps the improvement reported by most volunteers is not on account of Luxess, but rather, the mild soap. As the argument（少动词？）, the respondents washed their face first with mild soap and then applied Luxess, thus the impactful melioration of facial skin is possibly because of the mild soap or the Luxess face cream itself （看不懂这里，这不是正是作者想说的由于cream 本身有效？几个推断用逗号隔开最好）or the complex interaction between them. How the author is certain of the improvement is by reason of the Luxess,（这里语法是不是有问题，is certain of …is by reason…去掉后面is 可强调用does）not other possibilities? Since is not well supported by the scarcity of further information, the conclusion can't(不是can’t是cannot) be illustrated unilaterally（还是建议看下英英字典这个词的英译A unilateral decision or action is taken by only one of the groups, organizations, or countries that are involved in a particular situation, without the agreement of the others.所以用这里好吗？还不如用在上一段）.  （这里反驳了一个问题举了三个反例，其中一个我觉得不合适反倒是支持作者观点了，另两个很不错，但还是略单薄）Finally, even if the respondents participated in the survey are well-chosen and  the amount of them is large enough to become representative, as well as the improvement is indeed a result of the Luxess, a month improvement in looking and feeling is insufficient to sustain that Luxess is truly effective in improving facial skin. Perhaps, the face cream works mainly in the appearance, not the quality of skin, or the duration of the effective improvement of Luxess is only a month. Furthermore, whether the new Luxess face cream is beneficial to health is doubtful. （化妆品本来就不太有beneficial to health的功能，看到下边知道你想说的意思了，但这里你可想下怎么能更好的表达这个意思）As we all know, cosmetics effective to good look are not so healthy to body.（太绝对~~~~起码也是most cosmetics啊，否则你这句绝对是一竿子打翻一船人~） For instance, Ancient women occasionally paint tittle （little）of arsenic on their faces and lips to guarantee they are （直接就them 好了不要再从句了）red enough. Without the information that there is no toxin in the face cream, consumers may become victims. （1.toxins的英译：a poisonous substance that is a specific product of the metabolic activities of a living organism and is usually very unstable, notably toxic when introduced into the tissues, and typically capable of inducing antibody formation所以也不是很恰当，但我也没想到特别好的除了poisonous materials；2.这里角度很不错，最后一句写的不好）As is mentioned above, the author demonstrates a conclusion with many logical fallacies and no irrefutable evidences. More information of the Luxess face cream should be referred to, such as the number of respondents, the areas of simples（这两个都是讲样本的问题，看看范文的写法：any legitimate experiment must be strictly controlled and include a broad cross-section of the population）, as well as the certification by authority health ministry （多余）to ensure the safety in using the production.（ensure the production safe to health）Besides, the way (加 by which 或 the method in which)the investigation conducted should be shifted to exclude the impact of mild soap or other possible matters.
逻辑还是可以的，但还是论据单薄了些，这可能是我要求严格了点，我逻辑没你强，所以段落连接问题没深入研究再
语法问题都改了，词多变是好事，但怎么能用的恰当我想是你接下去要注意的

[ 本帖最后由 jenny11235 于 2009-1-4 13:18 编辑 ]

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

jenny拍得太有力了吧。。。

jenny11235UID: 2585428

有些说的也不一定对，中午脑子不是很好用

irvine666UID: 2575525

我用棕色代表一下值得讨论的地方吧，另外深紫色代表我赞同的地方。

In this argument, the conclusion, Luxess face cream is truly effective in improving the facial skin made by the investigation that includes a group of volunteers（概括的不好，这句基本没用，哪个实验不是很多人参加？即使为了下面驳斥做准备也没体现它的特点）(这个是照抄原文而已...我觉得既然是开头，不准备立刻驳斥，从简明的角度出发，问题不大，不然得写成that includes a group---not mentioned how large it is or how randomly chooses, of volunteers了，不是一般的倒胃口啊), to my understanding, is not so cogent as it seems to be.

First of all, the author tries to persuade his reader（readers） by an inquisition（inquisition 这个词的英文解释是：An inquisition is an official investigation, especially one which is very thorough and uses harsh methods of questioning.所以很明显和后面不搭） （其实我也知道inquision是蛮官方的说法了，不过确实不清楚它用在什么地方，本来是不想反复用survey的...其实investigation也是蛮官方的说法，不是有FBI么...）only included "A group of volunteers". However, the number of respondents taken part in the survey is exiguous（good！）（这个词来自红宝list45...背了没两天，印象深刻） and the volunteers investigated are not chosen randomly. For example, maybe the respondents mostly are the employees of the corporation which produces Luxess face cream, or they are the adolescents whose facial skins improve day by day due to the growth. Consequently, it is doubtful that the Luxess face cream is really effective in improving the condition of face.（两个反例很不错，但都是驳斥not chosen randomly, 而前面用and 并列提了两个问题即数量模糊和not chosen randomly，后面只驳斥了一个，其实数量的质疑是想接着指下面most people report the improvement没代表性，但没进一步再提，红色画出来的感觉啰嗦有重复之嫌）(有的理由比如说数量模糊，我觉得真的不好说清楚，而且既然前面强调了"a group",很大众化的道理要不要在后文提及它，或者我该提到一句Maybe the number of volunteers is sixty? 因为总感觉一定要实例化数量模糊的话，有点不足以说服读者的感觉。)

Moreover, perhaps the improvement reported by most volunteers is not on account of Luxess, but rather, the mild soap. As the argument（少动词？）, （我华丽的败了，语法啊，继续恶补高中语法）the respondents washed their face first with mild soap and then applied Luxess, thus the impactful melioration of facial skin is possibly because of the mild soap or the Luxess face cream itself （看不懂这里，这不是正是作者想说的由于cream 本身有效？几个推断用逗号隔开最好）（这里提到的意思是为了逻辑的严密性，我提出3个可能，其中包括一个支持作者的结论的可能，然后下文反问一句：凭什么作者能够断定来自这3个可能当中的某一种而不是其他2种？算是一种隐含让步吧...这个是我写这篇文章的时候想试试的创新而已,讨论下看看^&^）or the complex interaction between them. How the author is certain of the improvement is by reason of the Luxess,（这里语法是不是有问题，is certain of …is by reason…去掉后面is 可强调用does）（我是想用词组的，be certain of 和 by reason of,或者我改个说法会更清楚？how the author ensures (that 省略) the improvement is because of the Luxess?）not other possibilities? Since is not well supported by the scarcity of further information, the conclusion can't(不是can’t是cannot) be illustrated unilaterally（还是建议看下英英字典这个词的英译A unilateral decision or action is taken by only one of the groups, organizations, or countries that are involved in a particular situation, without the agreement of the others.所以用这里好吗？还不如用在上一段）. (这个词确实是我用遭了，在没有contrast or comparation的情况下，unilaterally就无从说起)（这里反驳了一个问题举了三个反例，其中一个我觉得不合适反倒是支持作者观点了，另两个很不错，但还是略单薄）

Finally, even if the respondents participated in the survey are well-chosen and  the amount of them is large enough to become representative, as well as the improvement is indeed a result of the Luxess, a month improvement in looking and feeling is insufficient to sustain that Luxess is truly effective in improving facial skin. Perhaps, the face cream works mainly in the appearance, not the quality of skin, or the duration of the effective improvement of Luxess is only a month. Furthermore, whether the new Luxess face cream is beneficial to health is doubtful. （化妆品本来就不太有beneficial to health的功能，看到下边知道你想说的意思了，但这里你可想下怎么能更好的表达这个意思）(whether the new Luxess face cream do not harm to health is doubtful如何？)As we all know, cosmetics effective to good look are（这里写漏了一个usually） not so healthy to body.（太绝对~~~~起码也是most cosmetics啊，否则你这句绝对是一竿子打翻一船人~） For instance, Ancient women occasionally paint tittle （little）of arsenic on their faces and lips to guarantee they are （直接就them 好了不要再从句了）red enough. Without the information that there is no toxin in the face cream, consumers may become victims. （1.toxins的英译：a poisonous substance that is a specific product of the metabolic activities of a living organism and is usually very unstable, notably toxic when introduced into the tissues, and typically capable of inducing antibody formation所以也不是很恰当，但我也没想到特别好的除了poisonous materials；2.这里角度很不错，最后一句写的不好）

As is mentioned above, the author demonstrates a conclusion with many logical fallacies and no irrefutable evidences. More information of the Luxess face cream should be referred to, such as the number of respondents, the areas of simples（这两个都是讲样本的问题，看看范文的写法：any legitimate experiment must be strictly controlled and include a broad cross-section of the population）, as well as the certification by authority health ministry （多余）to ensure the safety in using the production.（ensure the production safe to health）Besides, the way (加 by which 或 the method in which)the investigation conducted should be shifted to exclude the impact of mild soap or other possible matters.
逻辑还是可以的，但还是论据单薄了些，这可能是我要求严格了点，我逻辑没你强，所以段落连接问题没深入研究再
语法问题都改了，词多变是好事，但怎么能用的恰当我想是你接下去要注意的

恩，如何用词确实是一个大问题，句式和词汇是5-6比较看重的东西，我觉得目前我了解的句式也就倒装没怎么用上了，但是词汇这个东西非要下一翻苦功夫啊...我想我应该去背2篇老外280学学用词了。