Argument22 【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】 by zju-jenny 请猛拍

jenny11235UID: 2585428

TOPIC: ARGUMENT22 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a company that builds and sells new homes in Steel City.

"Over the past five years, the population of Steel City has increased by more than 20 percent, and family incomes in Steel City have risen much faster than the national average. Nationwide, sales of houses priced above $150,000 have increased more than have sales of lower-priced houses. Such data indicate that we should make changes in our business to increase company profits. First, we should build fewer low-priced houses than we did last year and focus instead on building houses designed to sell at above $150,000. Second, we should hire additional workers so that we can build a larger total number of houses than we did last year."
WORDS: 402          TIME: 00:46:29          DATE: 2009-1-13 21:04:42

The president made a strong suggestion that the company will increase profits by building more high-priced houses and hiring additional workers, which somehow seems adoptable, but is full of logical fallacies.

First of all, does the fact, nationwide sales of high-priced house increased more than the low-priced, present the situation in Steel City? It is most likely that the sales of the high-priced, contrarily, don't increase more than the latter. Or even there is a decline in the sales of the high-priced in Steel City. Additionally, we cannot help noticing that the president who doesn't consider the total sales of the two kinds houses, just simply compare the sales changes. So it is a case that the total sales of the low-priced are much higher than the high-priced. If one of the above assumptions is tenable, the company, adopting the suggestions as the president made, will not gain more profits as the memo said.

Furthermore, the second suggestion, hiring more workers to build more houses, is also doubtful. Thanks to the complex of building process, there is numerous elements, influencing the number of houses, except for the worker numbers. For example, the place for building is insufficient, which will directly block the increase of the total number of houses. Or the government, maybe, will publish some laws to restrict the number of housing by one company in one year. So if one of such above assumption is established, the company, adopting the suggestion as the president made, will not gain more increase than before.

Moreover, a faster risen in family incomes doesn't mean that people in Steel City will spend more in buying houses. The president, simply considering that income increase is the cause of sale increase, made a logical wronging called Probably, the income risen is just the result of the cost of daily necessities increaseing, for which they cannot take buying house into consideration any more. Or perhaps, though the income increase, people are more likely spend money in other aspects. So even though the houses for buying can be seen everywhere, people will not buy one.

To sum, without considering the total sales of the two houses, the president cannot successfully persuade us to believe his assertion, company profits will increase. And only when he surveys more aspects, making an influence on house sales, such as government laws, places for building, the memo will appear more convincing.

irvine666UID: 2575525

The president made a strong suggestion that the company will increase profits by building more high-priced houses and hiring additional workers(还有一个fewer low-priced houses,当然如果下文不批的话,不说也可以...), which somehow seems adoptable, but is full of logical fallacies.

First of all, does the fact, nationwide sales of high-priced house increased more than the low-priced, present the situation in Steel City? It is most likely that the sales of the high-priced, contrarily, don't increase more than the latter. Or even there is a decline in the sales of the high-priced in Steel City.(这句话我觉得最好加个比较,例如whereas the price of house building in all the other place of nation has increased a lot ,thus the national average price making up has nothing to do with the city's price.说的更清楚.) Additionally, we cannot help noticing that the president who doesn't consider the total sales of the two kinds houses, just simply compare the sales changes. (能来个比较么?例如For the sale of high-priced buildings may be a drop in the ocean comparing to the one of low-priced houses, the growth of the former is not so considerable.)So it is a case that the total sales of the low-priced are much higher than the high-priced. If one of the above assumptions is tenable, the company, adopting(这里应该是从句which adopts,而非同位语) the suggestions as the president made, will not gain more profits as the memo said.

Furthermore(这里已经在说另外一个论据了,没有递进的意思.用besides或者in addition好些), the second suggestion, hiring more workers to build more houses, is also doubtful. Thanks to the complex of building process, there is numerous elements, influencing the number of houses, except for the worker numbers. For example, the place for building is insufficient, which will directly block the increase of the total number of houses. Or the government, maybe, will publish some laws to restrict the number of housing by one company in one year. So if one of such above assumption is established, the company, adopting the suggestion as the president made, will not gain more increase than before.(这段论述完全没有提到increase profits(作者的结论),而整个都在批更多的工人就能造更多房子(作者的论据),所以结尾这个increase到底指的是房子还是利润就很模糊了,个人觉得需要用更多的句子来说明房子不能增加所以利润也不能增加.)

Moreover, a faster risen in family incomes doesn't mean that people in Steel City will spend more in buying houses. The president, simply considering that income increase is the cause of sale increase, made a logical wronging called Probably(a little strange), the income risen is just the result of the cost of daily necessities increaseing, for which they cannot take buying house into consideration any more. Or perhaps, though the income increase, people are more likely spend money in other aspects. So even though the houses for buying can be seen everywhere, people will not buy(are not interested in buying 这里用词最好有一种主动的倾向) one.

To sum, without considering the total sales of the two houses, the president cannot successfully persuade us to believe his assertion, company profits will increase. And only when he surveys more aspects, making an influence on house sales, such as government laws, places for building, the memo will appear more convincing.(结尾没啥说的，不过总觉得这种结尾方式很popular, 能够提升分数的空间非常少。)

steven5266UID: 2590895

The president made a strong suggestion that the company willincrease profitsby buildingmore high-priced houses and hiring additional workers, which somehow seems adoptable,
but is full of logical fallacies.

1、will(作者用的是should,而用will和它相对语气上有所减弱,而且前面是made时态上也不是很一致,虽然作者意图在将来,但现在写作文是在追述作者的话，个人建议可以考虑用could)
2、increase profits(可以考虑用expand returns)
3、by(可以考虑用through)  
     building(可以考虑用constructing,个人不成熟的想法--以后写作时是不是可以换一个题目用词的同义词)
4、high-priced(文章中用的是fewer low-priced,但个人认为这似乎不是意味着就只有low和
high,还可以有 mediate)
5、hiring addtitional workers(可以考虑用adding workers)
6、adoptable, ...but(个人感觉but来的有点突然。其实前面那句话，"which somehow seems
adoptable"，
     就说明了后面那句话的意思,显得有点多余。)

-->-->套用你的开头，我会这么处理："Our company, through adding workers and mainly
launching homes priced above $150,000, can expand returns ", said the president from a
company constructing and selling new homes in Steel City. Superficially, this may make it,
considering the fact they used to market low-priced houses in smaller amounts in
accordance with fewer labourers.
First of all,does the fact,nationwide sales of high-priced house increased more than the
low-priced, present the situation in Steel City? It is most likely thatthe sales of the
high-priced, contrarily, don't increase more than the latter. Or even there is a decline in the sales of the high-priced in Steel City. Additionally, we cannot help noticing that the president who doesn'tconsider the total sales of the two kinds houses, just simply compare the sales
changes. So it is a case that the total sales of the low-priced are much higher than the
high-priced.      If one of the above assumptions is tenable, the company, adopting the
suggestions as the president made, will not gain more profits as the memo said.

1、First of all,(因为后面是个问句，这就显得多余了，一篇文章其实没必要把第1、第2、第3......都写出来，
     可以采取第2、3用相应的表示顺序的词写出来，而第1就不写，能看懂了人，自然能找到哪是第1？)
2、does the fact present the situation in Steel City?(这句话比较中国，是不是就简单写：
Was it true inSteel City?)
3、这是一个问句，形式很好，但fact之后的两个豆芽把这个结构破坏了，当然这样写没有错，如果陈述句就无所谓了，但其实fact, idea, suggestion这类词可以直接在它们后面加一个句子而省略that。-->-->其实，因为这是一个过渡句，承接第一段，如果在第一段用过fact这个词，一看就知道fact是什么？)
4、is (was)    contrarily (用在这里表“相反”的意思不明显，感觉用在后面更好) don't increase more than the latter (didn't increase more than the latter)
6、Or even there is a decline in the sales of the high-priced in Steel City. (感觉这里可以用一个词组，和前面合成一句话，contrarily, a possibility of decline)
7、consider (可以考虑换用take ... into consideration)
8、the two kinds houses (首先the多余，因为前面有了一个the；其次，kind后面要加of)
9、compare the sales changes (这个地方有三个问题，首先compare有两个用法：compare A with B 把A和B相比；compare A to B 把A比作B；compare时态不对称；change喜欢说成change of ...。综合起来，这里是否可以改成：the president, focusing on their changes, just simply compared one with another ignoring the the total sales of these two houses)
10、So it is a case that (换成Thus, it is possible that....是不是更好？)
11、最后一句话来的有点突然。是否可以在If前面加上一个词，比如：Overall之类的。呵呵
12、adopting the suggestions as the president made (可以考虑用：following the strategies as the president made)
13、gain感觉用make更顺畅。
14、as the memo said和前面as the president made太像了，考虑在could not make more
profits的中间或者后面加一个accordingly就成。
-->-->按照你的布局，在第二段开头的衔接上，我的思路是：However, was it true in Steel City? Directly, several possibilities may come to us based on what the president listed. 然后把你所列举的可能性，组织下接在后面。Overall, if ...

Furthermore, the second suggestion, hiring more workers to build more houses, is also
doubtful. Thanks to the complex of building process, there is numerous elements, influencing thenumber of houses, except for the worker numbers.For example, the placefor building is insufficient, which will directly block the increase of the total number of houses. Or
the government, maybe, will publish some laws to restrict the number of housingbyone company in one year. So if one of such above assumptionis established, the company, adopting
the suggestion as the president made, will not gain more increase than before.

1、Furthermore (用这个词没问题，我会考虑用While)    两个more可以考虑换一个。
2、Thanks to the complex of building process, there is numerous elements, influencing the number of houses, except for the worker numbers. (Thangks to 比较偏重说由于、幸亏有什么帮助或者原因，而得到一个期待的结果。此处貌似不太合适。表示原因的词且可以加句子的有：considering, being, for the reason that, in view of the fact；后接表示原因的短语可以考虑用：result from, caused by, the result of, the effect of, the consequence of。其次，the complex of building process表达上有点不符合习惯，可以说成the complex process of building or the complex building process。第三，there is。而对于element则一定得换成factors,二者区别相信聪明的你能感觉得到，嘻嘻。最后，我猜你这句话是要表达影响公司房屋产量的因素有很多，基于此，个人认为可不可以这样来陈述：Obviously, there exists many
facot-orscontributing to the company's overall production resulting from its complex buildingprocess.还有一点
     差点忘了：except for 是指一个东西整体很好，除了哪一个小方面不好)
3、以后用For example记得把它放句子中间，就是先说例子，再加入for example，后面再写其它的东东。
4、the place for building (“地皮"最好说成site for ...，这个地方就可以说The sites for
housing, for example, are not sufficient enough to expand the construction capacity,even the company did map out an overall plan.)
5、Or the government, maybe (Or和maybe，再加上后面的will，意思就重复了，可以用
     Or，the government... 或者The government, maybe, ...)
6、will publish(首先will不是很合理，时态应该是过去怎样，结果才造成以前公司没有建造更多的房屋；其次，和后面的law搭配要用pass, 构成pass a law/laws，而且句中的some也可以不用，因为有复数s)
7、number of housing (number偏重说数字，在表数量方面很弱。可以考虑用output/yield
/production，只要涉及公司、企业都可以用这仨词。比如：Or, the local government,
according to annual policies, passed laws to restrict the housing output.)
8、by(按照你的思维写，这里的by建议换成for)
9、one换掉一个。
10、So if one of such above assumption is established, the company, adopting the
suggestion as the president made, will not gain more increase than before. (首先，so后面用逗号；其次对于整句话来说，和第二段类似，不是太完美。其三，one of such的结构有点眼生，就可以直接写成：Suppose, oneof the above points proved a truth.)
11、will not gain more increase than before. (所以可以写成Suppose, one of the above points proved to bea truth, more gains/earnings, to the company, should not be expected after
putting the adjusted strategies into practice.而且原句gain increase不搭)

steven5266UID: 2590895

Moreover, a faster risen in family incomes doesn't mean that people in Steel City will spend more in buying houses. The president, simply considering that income increaseisthecause of sale increase, made a logical wrongingcalledProbably, the income risenis just
the result of the cost of daily necessities increaseing, for which they cannot take buying
house into consideration any more. Or perhaps,though the income increase, people are
more likely spend money in other aspects. So even though the houses for buying can be
seen everywhere, people will not buy one.

1、risen是一个动词，不能和后面连在一起作主语。可以考虑写成：Moreover, family
incomes increased rapidly did not...。第一句我会处理成：Morever, family incomes increased rapidly was probaly a necessary, but not a sufficient, condition for taking action to
purchase homes priced above $150,000 rather than low-priced ones.
2、simply considering [因为后面加了从句就不能再用-ing分词了，而可以写成非限，
The presideng, who intuitionally took the income improvement as the cuase of sales increase, conducted an error defined asProbably)
其中：improvement(代替increase,用increase没错)    conducted(代替made,用made没错)  
defined as(代替called,本身没错)  而Probably没才透是什么之意。
3、the income risen (这句话前面是不是要打句号，而把这句话当成另一句；再有就是本身表达有误，改正同前，The improved/increased incomes 或者A rise in incomes)
4、increaseing 这个修饰位置不当，也许是...is just the result of increased costs of daily
necessities.
5、Or perhaps, (这个问题和前面Or the government, maybe一样，用其一即可表达意思。前面用过or,可以选用perhaps)
6、though这个句型的习惯用法是把它摆在后面，即：People, perhaps, were willing to make their consumptions in other fields, though their incomes expanded.
7、are more likely spend money in首先，时态；其次，be likely to do sth.粗心哈；其三，spend ... on sth，不过问题不大)
8、So even though the houses for buying can be seen everywhere, people will not buy one.这句话多余，前面都是表达这个意思。可以考虑选用二、三段结尾的模式。比如：
Then, the president's desire was not guaranteed for his irrelevant reasoning between income-raising and profit-increasing.
To sum, without considering the total sales of the two houses, the president cannot
successfully persuade us to believe his assertion, company profits will increase. And only
when he surveys more aspects, making an influence on house sales, such as government laws, places for building, the memo will appear more convincing.

1、总结段针对前面的论述应该有三个方面，似乎还不完整。
2、后面的the多余，呵呵。
3、will时态
4、survey more aspects建议改成And only when he took/conducted/made an all-round survey having an eye to explore possibilities laying an influence on housing sales, such as....
5、原文making an influence on house sales前后的逗号要去掉，这是一个分词修饰前面的aspects，不能隔开。
6、palace for building错误同前。
7、the memo will 首先主语the memo建议换其它的词，考虑用与论述的话题更有直接关联的词，如：the strategies launched by the president；其次，will的时态



-->-->总的来说，思路比较清晰，能在有限的时间内写出这篇文章，表现出较高的造诣，至于驳斥的点，如
                          果能把这几个方面论述准确清晰，鄙人认为即可，对于一味追求新颖、独到，而语言不流
                          畅，也会大打折扣的，过犹不及，做到稳中求精。
                         另外，要注意时态以及low/mediate/high的划分。
Go Go Go Go...是为愚见