First of all, I strongly agree with the assertion that the socialization of the children indeed(连写）determines the destiny of society and we are also very confused of the way to calculate the children to be benefit to the society(这句话感觉意思表达得不到位，如果我没理解错你的原意，改成 in which to calculate whether the children can provide benefit to society or not) ,but we have made some harvest. Before discussing the problem, we ought to analyze the problem. In fact the speaker demonstrated 2 aspects, including children’s effect on society and the way to calculate(这个calculate怎么看怎么别扭，像是算计的意思，表达评价的意思用evaluate吧） the children, so we will study the assertion as follows in these 2 logic fields and one insufficient respect .
For one thing, be better socialized of the children determines a wonderful future of society while the contrary condition may let the future of society unpredictable. To the commence, the children delegate（这个词我没用过，不过查了下字典好像不能这么用，它是指派什么什么为代表的及物动词，这样用就本末倒置了，改成represent)the future of society, as rules of nature, no matter how all of the present social holders will abdicate and disappear in the history(前面是will,后面是in the history，不妥不妥，到底是君王在历史上隐退所留下的经验的意思呢，还是在未来当前执政者都会让位于children的意思呢，我觉得改成in the stream of history比较好，这样就不会造成时态混用之嫌了） and the present children will take over the right to control the destiny of society, just as the saying goes that children are the flower buds of the nation. (老实说我觉得前面这一整句语法、逻辑都有问题，但是逻辑上的问题可能是你的ineffiecient statement造成的，ETS的老鬼看了你的no matter how，就会想在后面找个转折递进的分句，但是你的意思是no matter how,就顿了一下，然后跟着的就是转折递进部分了，但是老美就不会这么理解了。如果你不是像我说的这么想的话，那你这句就是成分缺失加逻辑混乱，可能我还没理解到你那个层面，但这句确实有问题存在）What’s more,（前后貌似没有递进关系） the differences of different children being socialized have various effects on the development of society. For example, the feudalized education of China from 100 BC to 1900 AD figures a conservative society while the nautical education of South Europe including Spain and Portugal makes the society far more open than that above. （这个例子似乎不太能够支撑前面的论点，不是由于different children的关系吧，两个社会背景和教育系统才是差的十万八千里啊）Last but not the least, children are also a part of our society, and even the most significant portion, because a large number of people, especially in the East Asia, consider the aim of their works, consumption and other social behaviors are to serve their children and the children’s future. So all the social behaviors are closely related with children, of course, the influence from children (?)is an absolutely key factor. （实在是ridiculous的想法啊，和前面完全脱节了） From all the above, it is easy for us to understand clearly that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. （从你这一段三个毫无逻辑联系的分论点可以得出这个结论么,至少后两个不行……）
For another, although we realize the significance of children social education, we （are删去） still find no reasonable way to educate them to do better in bringing about a better society. Firstly, just as in China and South Europe, uncountable kinds of ways to educate the children have appeared for a long time, however, there’s still no common and popular method to make the children reasonably be socialized and be able to bring about a better society all over the world. Every method has its own advantages and disadvantages, for example present Chinese education which focuses on exam produces strongly academic students rather than capable graduates. Secondly, although we have experienced an extreme number of failures in the field of educational methods, at present we are still confused ,haven't discovered any cues to the right measures and even haven't found the correct （the删去） direction, for example, under the contemporary system of social education, there’re talents, the rich and people who own happy life while also there are stupors（这个词用得不太对） ，the poor and people who choose to commit suicide. At length, when it comes to the future of education, at the same time, all the academicians are rapidly involved in the debate. Everyone has his opinion which also sounds excellent, but where just lacks unity. （从学术角度论述have not learned?我的理解是整段都采用执果索因比较好一点，从社会现象，证明have not learned，你考虑得真的很全面，但是在组织论证上还要加强）
Mean while, (这个转折关系应该用however) the assertion has erased the progress of the society in this field, after all we have also got some good harvest such as a quite large number of graduates have been qualified in their own works, many amazing cultures have appeared in the world and science has got gigantic development .（such as 后面好像不能这么直接跟句子，下次用for example吧，such as 后面只能跟名词性成分）
All in all, I agree this assertion in the logic side that being socialized of children affects （用词不当，该当何罪！用hinges on吧，北美上的）the destiny of society and we still have many things to do to let the children bring about a better society. On the contrary ，（用词不当） we indeed（indeed连写） have made some progress which is not unfortunate.
=。=
要打就打吧。
Comment:
The author has an impressing frame, which deserves my careful analysis and further study. While defects exist that he hasn't paid enough attention to details and choosing of words and proper forms of words. My advice would be that if you can cultivate yourself into being more sensitive to language feels, and more importantly, being more aware of the structure of the illustration you are bulding, you will find it rewarding.
|
发表于 2009-1-23 00:53:39
0
转发
签到领寄托币
GO
