【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】1月30号号作业 by bjzhengja

bjzhengjaUID: 2381883

头次写综合作文，外加听力也不太好，憋死我了。。。希望大家狠拍~谢谢了！

The lecture is mainly discussing companies should not
offer their employees the option of working a four-day
workweek for four-fifths of their normal pay,
challenging what are stated in the reading passage that
offering the option would have benefit to the economy
as a whole as well as the individual companies and the
employees who decided to take the option.
First of all, the speaker thinks that taking the option
of four-day workweek is a kind of waste. The companies
must spent more money to provide training and working
conditions to those new four-day workweek employees,
such as expanding office space and buy some more
computers. In the other words, it is not only an
increasing profit plan offering the option, but also a
wasting money plan. This directly contradicts what the
passage indicates.
Second, shortened work time dose not mean fewer
overworked employees. The speaker hold the opinion
that, when employees choose the four-day workweek
option, the employer will raise their expectation that
employees can do work as much as five-day workweek
employees. That is, four-day workweek employees are
still overworking, having fewer salaries. This is
another part where have different contentions.
What's more, the speaker believes that having a lower
salary will have bad effects to the indicidual
employees who choose the option of a four-day workweek.
They are hard to improve their quality of lives with
less money. And also, they must lost their job earlier
than those five-day workweek employees when downterm
comes.

tammyppUID: 2547015

The lecture is mainly discussing companies should not
offer their employees the option of working a four-day
workweek for four-fifths of their normal pay,
challenging what are stated in the reading passage that offering the option would have benefit to the economy
as a whole as well as the individual companies and the
employees who decided to take the option.（这个句子没看懂..语法上应该有问题，word有绿线提示。你想表达什么意思呢？）
First of all, the speaker thinks that taking the option
of four-day workweek is a kind of waste. The companies
must spent more money to provide training and working
conditions to those new four-day workweek employees,
such as expanding office space and buy（buying） some more
computers. In the other words, it is not only an
increasing profit (expense) plan offering the option(删去offering the option), but also a wasting money plan. This directly contradicts what the passage indicates.
Second, shortened work time dose(does) not mean fewer
overworked employees. The speaker hold(holds) the opinion
that, when employees choose the four-day workweek option, the employer (复数)will raise their expectation that
employees can do work as much as five-day workweek
employees. （这句话不够简练。用从句省略一些）That is, four-day workweek employees are
still overworking, having fewer salaries. This is
another part where have different contentions.
What's more, the speaker believes that having a lower salary will have bad effects to（On） the indicidual (individual)employees who choose the option of a four-day workweek.
They are hard to improve their quality of lives with
less money. And also, they must lost(lose) their job earlier
than those five-day workweek employees when downterm （？）
comes.

分点是对了。但是每一段里结构较乱。综合作文没必要把一句话正着说反着说的论证，只需要你把听到的观点写出来就可以。也就是说不用that is 之类的话更多解释和重复。不然时间也不允许。听力里听到的具体例子应该要加进去，不能只说观点。如果是听力没听清楚可以看一下其他筒子写的。3楼听的很细可以去看看。
第一次写应该算不错啦。建议再看看OG和模板。加油哦
第一次改，个人观点，不知道对不对，希望对你有帮助。

另外建议再发帖子的时候排个版。。。我复制回来好多乱码哦。呵呵

bjzhengjaUID: 2381883

2# tammypp

你说有绿线的句子我这里word没显示啊。。。那句话是从阅读材料上搬的，说实话我也没看懂，就是抄过来的。个人理解就是“这个option对各个公司和雇员的经济都会有好处”的意思。

In the other words, it is not only an
increasing profit (expense) plan offering the option(删去offering the option), but also a wasting money plan.这一句，我觉得我的表达确实有问题，但是又不知道该怎么说。我想说的是：提供这个option不仅不是带来收益的事情，而且还是浪费钱财的事情。帮我想想该怎么表达吧~~


那个in the other words，that is之类的我是看了OG上面的仿着写的（255页那个5分的范文~），我还以为这样能更显得突出“比较”两个材料的意思呢。听力里的细节我是真有点力不从心，听不出来啊。。。

3楼的那个我看了，我个人感觉他听力太强悍了，以至于作文里面全都是听力的原句，是不是太缺少“比较”了呢？题目里面不是一般后半句是“explaining how they cast doubt on points made in the reading”么~