【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】第六次作业 by woodchuck

woodchucktjuUID: 2491519

In the lecture, the professor maintained the view point that the privatized spaceflight industry will not bring benefits to both science and the public, which totally contradict to the passage.

First of all, the price of spaceflight will be very expensive. We must build up an efficient traffic control system to avoid the collision. However, the expense of such system is very high. On the other hand, safety is the first thing to take into consideration for any public service. We need to test and retest the devices used in space travel before running such system, while such process will cost a lot as well. Thus, the price of private space travel will be so expensive that few people can afford it.

What is more, the privatization of space travel will prevent important scientific discoveries. The salaries the private agencies pay will be obviously higher than the government. As a result, the scientists will mostly be hired by the private companies, and concentrate on the less significant areas with little scientific merit, which will eventually result in the reduction in important scientific discoveries.

In addition, it is impossible for such privatization to lower the taxpayer’s cost. The project to build up the space stations and space airports will cost so much money that nearly no private companies can afford it without the help of government. Thus, all taxpayers will pay more than before.

ddcmj519UID: 176326

1# woodchucktju
同学偶们貌似是校友嘿~  俺在SP Rd.~  

In the lecture, the professor maintained the view point that the privatized spaceflight industry will not bring benefits to both science and the public, which totally contradicts to the passage.



First of all, the price of spaceflight will be very expensive. We这人称。。The company must build up an efficient traffic control system to avoid the collision. However, the expense of such system is very high. On the other hand, safety is the first thing to take into consideration for any public service. We need to test and retest the devices used in space travel before running such system, while such process will cost a lot as well. Thus, the price of private space travel will be so expensive that few people can afford it.4 F0 J! Z: h7 @. a$ Z5 t
1人称问题。2没有和passage对比的词句。3句子长而内容不必要。
综合写作时间就20min，150-225字。不用写那么纠结的长句。内容包涵要点为上。

What is more, the privatization of space travel will delay or even prevent important scientific discoveries. The salaries for scientists the private agencies pay will be obviously higher than the government. As a result, the scientists will mostly be hired by the private companies, and concentrate on the less significant areas 不妥 with little scientific merit, which will eventually result in the reduction in important scientific discoveries.
2 z& y% b- _4 K. m$ B! p* S7 q0 Q) M/ y0 Q
同段1的2，3。

In addition, it is impossible for such privatization to lower the taxpayer’s cost文章不是这个意思，taxes  for clients. The project to build up the space stations and space airports will cost so much money that nearly no private companies can afford it without the help of government. Thus, all taxpayers will pay more than before.
同段1的2。

同学的长句很不好，不是说语法问题，是从表达上来说，经常看了给人 看了好长一句话却看不出什么内容的感觉。精简，精简。
综合阅读强调的是听力阅读对比，而你的文章中没有体现。
看的出有一定的词汇及写作功底，相信在一定的练习和了解后能够取得理想成绩·~
加油~！

hantangren2009UID: 2582164

In the lecture, the professor maintained （the view point可以去掉） that the privatized spaceflight industry will not bring benefits to both science and the public, which totally contradict to the passage.
First of all, the price of spaceflight will be very expensive. We must build up an efficient traffic control system to avoid the collision. However, the expense of such system is very high. On the other hand, safety is the first thing to take into consideration for any public service. We need to test and retest the devices used in space travel before running such system, while such process will cost a lot as well. Thus, the price of private space travel will be so expensive that few people can afford it.!
这一段包括的信息很全面啊！看的出来你的听力很好！赞！不过说的有些啰嗦，可以精简一下
What is more, the privatization of space travel will prevent important scientific discoveries. The salaries the private agencies pay will be obviously higher than the (research institute supprted by government这样说更确切吧). As a result, the scientists will mostly be hired by the private companies, and concentrate on the less significant areas with little scientific merit（value）, which will eventually result in the reduction in important scientific discoveries.!
In addition, it is impossible for such privatization to lower the taxpayer’s cost. The project to build up the space stations and space airports will cost so much money that nearly no private companies can afford it without the help of government. Thus, all taxpayers will pay more than before.

文章的结构很好，听力也很好。就是句子太长，很多介词结构太复杂，没有必要用太多的介词结构啊