TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组有风吹过第八次作业 New

有风吹过UID: 2199075

In the modern society, it had most technology for people, such as: automobile、computer(can get on Internet)
、television and so on. Some people believed that technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Others fells that technology make children more creative than they were in past. In my opinion, the technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. There are many statements supporting my opinion.

People have been living on the Earth for thousands of years, at these time it had birth some great inventor, like: Edison、Franklin. They had changed our society greatly and made our life becoming easier. In that case I’m afraid the children had less creative than they were in past. One day when he want to got to school fast, he know he can go to school by bicycle or by his father’s car. If he live in 100 years ago, he may thought it could be other ways to get there quickly, and he probably becoming a inventor. Unfortunately there are a number of inventions that we can use them, which make children did not want to change their life. Besides, in the modern society, the parents and teacher had most expectation for children, as an old saying goes: all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Some people thought the modern education could made children study lots of knowledge, which can invent new technology. But the creative was not how study knowledge, it weigh that did you have a creative mind. Increasing number of experts believed the number of technology and knowledge did not arouse children creative. The newspaper and television always tell children how well the society we are, and not point out what we want need, which made children thought our society is very well.

In conclusion, the technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Anyone will tell you that children are a country’s future, so we should arouse our children’s creative mind.

第一次写作文，比较菜，有拍必回

gundammoleUID: 2300958

1# 有风吹过

In the modern society, it had most technology for people(表达不正确), such as: automobile，（英语里面没有顿号，都用逗号代替）computer(can get on Internet)， ptelevision and so on.（In the modern society, thanks to the booming of technology which makes our life full of convenience.） Some people believed that technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Others fells(fell) that technology make children more creative than they were in past. In my opinion, the technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. (最好能把这句换个说法写)There are many statements supporting my opinion.

Z: d: _; q
People have been living on the Earth for thousands of years, at these time it had birth some great inventor(inventors), like: (such as,) Edison、(,)Franklin. They had changed our society greatly and made our life becoming easier. In that case I’m afraid the children had(have) less creative than they were in past. One day when he(这个他是谁？前面没有提及到) want to got(go) to school fast, he know he can go to school by bicycle or by his father’s car. If he live in 100 years ago, he may thought it could（there can）be other ways to get there quickly, and he probably becoming(would became) a inventor. Unfortunately there are(is) a number of inventions that we can use them(去掉), which（and just those inventions） make children did (do)not want to change their life. Besides, in the modern society, the parents and teacher had most(have too much) expectation for children, (.) as(As) an old saying goes:
all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy./ O+ ]9 j* w& t  q: ~

Some people thought the modern education could made (make)children study lots of knowledge, which can invent new technology(and then they can make new inventions). But the creative was (is) not how (how to) study knowledge, it weigh that did you have a creative mind(it depends on whether you have a creative mind). Increasing(An increasing) number of experts believed the number of technology and knowledge did not arouse children(children’s) creative. The newspaper and television always tell children how well the society are(is), and not(do not) point out what we want (and) need, which(this) made children thought our society is very well.

In conclusion, the technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Anyone will tell you (No one can deny) that children are a country’s future, so we should arouse our children’s creative mind.


这是你第一次写文章还是第一次写托福的文章？逻辑似乎还清晰，但是语法错误似乎太多了点……希望能多背背别人的文章，多看看语法，写作不要太粗心。加油啊！共勉^_^

qiangweiciUID: 2478469

In the(不用加the) modern society, it had (has) most (我不晓得可不可以这样修饰，technology是个集体名词，建议LZ核查一下)technology for people, such as: automobile、computer(can get on Internet)（删掉括号内的内容，可以多加几个其他并列词，例如refrigerator之类的）
television and so on. Some people believed（believe） that technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Others fells(feel) that technology make children more creative than they were in past. In my opinion, the technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. (这几句话建议LZ再斟酌一下，因为表达太一致了，如果变换一下方式，可能加分不少)There are many statements(points) supporting my opinion.
W9 H
People have been living on the Earth for thousands of years, at these time it had birth （come out）some great inventor(inventors), like: Edison、Franklin. They had changed our society greatly and made our life becoming(become) easier. In that case I’m afraid the children had less creative than they were in past. One day when he want to got to school fast(in a short time or faster), he know(knows) he can go to school by bicycle or by his father’s car. If he live(lives)in 100 years ago, he may thought(think) it(there) could be other ways to get there quickly, and he probably becoming(become) a inventor.(这个例子和前面的背景介绍联系起来蛮牵强的，貌似逻辑感很强，却没有什么实际内容) Unfortunately there are a number of inventions that we can use them, which make children did （do）not want to change their life （by themselves）. Besides, in the (去掉the)modern society, the parents and teacher(teachers) had(have) most(a high) expectation for children, as an old saying goes: all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy(然后呢？似乎这个例子没有写完一般，让人有一种吊在那的感觉).) ()m0 b' c1 z/ W5 B5 y+ _2 _% `/ S

Some people thought （think）the modern education could made(make) children study lots of knowledge, which can (use in) invent(inventing)new technology. But the creative was not(doesn't mean) how (to)study knowledge, it weigh (weighs by)that did (do)you have a creative mind. （an）Increasing number of experts believed(believe) the number of technology and knowledge did(do) not arouse(ignite) children(children's) creative. The newspaper and television always tell children how well(good or glorious) the society we are(it is), and not (but do not)point out what we want(去掉) need, which made children thought our society is very well（最后一个从句删掉）（这整段的论证没什么说服力，你要论证的是技术让孩子的创造力下降，而不是报纸或者电视什么的让孩子不明白社会到底需要什么） P  a' N, n3 }2 |$ `

In conclusion, the technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Anyone will tell you （It is undeniable）that children are a country’s future, so we should arouse our children’s creative mind. (最后一句话把重点放在应该重视孩子创造力上，与题目似乎有点偏离哦，建议LZ再斟酌一下)

LZ,你的语法在时态上有蛮严重的问题，建议好好补补这一块。另外就是文章思路有些混乱，例子论证不在点上~~还有就是有些句子的表述过于重复，让文章在语言上失分不小哦~~不过是第一次写，成长空间宽广，一起加油！批改的地方，有不足之处，愿意接受批评，呵呵~~

@( z" D, V; I/ V