TOEFL 4—6月-Dark_Tournament小组写作gundammole第十次作业

gundammoleUID: 2300958

Do you agree or disagree: governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics such as state-sponsored Olympic teams.(08.5.10)


China’s excellent performance in Beijing 2008 Olympic Games has surprised everyone in the world. But the number of 43 billion dollars for sponsoring the sixteen days’ games still shocked many people. As a matter of fact, England already plan to cut money down from the 2012 Olympic Games and use the rest of them into other fields such as arts. In my opinion, it will leave long lasting influence if governments can spend more money in support of arts rather than in support of athletics.

In the first place, arts is everywhere in our daily life. Design elements exist just around us, including in produces such as mobile phone, computer, chair, light, clothes, etc. Not everyone can be a champion athletics, but anyone can be an artist if you wish. Recently, many Chinese artists build “Loft” in big cities, the way of reconstructing old factories into creative studios for a great number of artists. They hold various kinds of exhibitions, art shows and creative idea market and at the time they carry on restaurants and bars filled with creative ideas. A growing number of citizens choice to spend their weekends at Loft, which shows that how important art is in our life.

In addition, governments consistently announce that everybody is equal, but the truth is shocking. It is universally acknowledged that a champion in Olympic Games can get more than a villa and a Benz from governments, but hundreds and thousands of artists can not even feed themselves. Art is a career looking for a large majority of inspiration and materials. Lack of money, their fantastic design work can only lie on paper without becoming the latest fashion in the world. Art is the hope of our future, what’s the spaceship to the Mars will be like, and what about our new buildings in other planets…

Furthermore, giving much more money on art, governments can work out many problems under the economic crisis. It will not only afford job opportunities, but it will also accelerate creativity on great number of produces and constructions. Art fans can visit a great majority of art exhibitions and competitions freely of opening their visions.

Consequently, I'd like to advocate that governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics. As a matter of fact, arts play a critical part in our life and we should call for the boom of arts.

capricon2006UID: 2278984

China’s excellent performance in Beijing 2008 Olympic Games has surprised everyone in the world. But（, while 表对比） the number of 43 billion dollars for sponsoring the sixteen days’ games still(also) shocked many people. As a matter of fact, England already plan(plans?) to cut money down from the 2012 Olympic Games and use the rest of them into other fields such as arts. In my opinion, it will leave long lasting influence if governments can spend more money in support of arts rather than in support of athletics.


In the first place, arts is everywhere in our daily life. Design elements exist just around us, including in produces(用production比较好，produce倾向于农产品?) such as mobile phone, computer, chair, light, clothes, etc. Not everyone can be a champion athletics, but anyone can be an artist if you（you or he?） wish. Recently, many Chinese artists build “Loft” in big cities, the way of reconstructing old factories into creative studios for a great number of artists. They hold various kinds of exhibitions, art shows and creative idea market and at the time they carry on restaurants and bars filled with creative ideas. A growing number of citizens’ choice to spend their weekends at Loft, which shows that how important art is in our life.

In addition, governments consistently announce that everybody is equal, but the truth is shocking. It is universally acknowledged that a champion in Olympic Games can get more than a villa and a Benz from governments, but hundreds and thousands of artists can not even feed themselves. Art is a career looking for a large majority of inspiration and materials. Lack of money, their fantastic design work can only lie on paper without becoming the latest fashion in the world. Art is the hope of our future, what’s the spaceship to the Mars will be like, and what about our new buildings in other planets…  

Furthermore, giving much(删除) more money on art, governments can work out many problems under the economic crisis. It will not only afford job opportunities, but it will also accelerate creativity on great number of produces and constructions. Art fans can visit a great majority of art exhibitions and competitions freely of opening their visions

Consequently, I'd like to advocate that governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics. As a matter of fact, arts play a critical part in our life and we should call for the boom of arts.（最后一段是不是可先总结art的作用然后再提出建议）

小结：文章写的非常好，使用了较多的句式。学习。……
        本人水平十分有限，所以不当之处，多多交流……

qiangweiciUID: 2478469

China’s excellent performance in Beijing 2008 Olympic Games has surprised everyone in the world. But the number of 43 billion dollars for sponsoring the sixteen days’ games still shocked many people. As a matter of fact, England already plan to cut money down from the 2012 Olympic Games and use the rest of them into other fields such as arts. In my opinion, it will leave (a) long lasting influence if governments can spend more money in support of arts rather than in support of (去掉吧，直接加名词就好了)athletics.& k5 B2 X4 B& C$ z4 w8 v5 }1 H*

In the first place, arts is everywhere in our daily life. Design elements exist just around us, including in produces such as mobile phone, computer, chair, light, clothes, etc. Not everyone can be a champion athletics, but anyone can be an artist if you wish. Recently, many Chinese artists build “Loft” in big cities, the（a） way of reconstructing old factories into creative studios for a great number of artists.(这句话怪怪的，首先修饰语一定要靠近修饰对象，不然会引起歧义。其次，老觉得有种悬在那的感觉，似乎loft 后面有什么信息没给完一样) They hold various kinds of exhibitions, art shows and creative idea market and at the time they carry on restaurants and bars filled with creative ideas.（换成这样吧：Recently,in big cities, many Chinese artists build "Loft" -a way of reconstructing old factories into creative studios for a great number of artists, in which the hold various kinds of exhibitions,art shows and innovative idea market,at the same time they carry on restaurants and bars filled with novel ideas） A growing number of citizens choice(choose) to spend their weekends at Loft, which shows that how important art is in our life.- l2 @% b- Y8 S9 P

In addition, governments consistently announce that everybody is equal, but the truth is shocking(striking 更地道点). It is universally acknowledged that a champion in Olympic Games can get more than a villa and a Benz from governments, but hundreds and thousands of artists can not even feed themselves. Art is a career looking for a large majority of inspiration and materials.（这句话不是很懂~） Lack of money, their fantastic design work can only lie on paper without becoming the latest fashion in the world. Art is the hope of our future, what’s the spaceship to the Mars will be like, and what about our new buildings in other planets…（最后这句话有点多余，或者说叙述不是很明确吧，似乎LZ想问反问来表达某种强烈的情感，可是效果却没能通过文字表达出来哦~）

L
Furthermore, giving much more money on art, governments can work out many problems under the economic crisis. It will not only afford job opportunities, but it will also accelerate creativity（这个表达不是很地道，accelerate一般用来表示加速某种具体事物的发展之类的，换成这样吧 accelerate creative improvement）on great number of produces and constructions. Art fans can visit a great majority of(numerous增加语言多样话，这个短语出现的次数太多了) art exhibitions and competitions freely of opening their visions.(怪怪的，换成这样吧 Besides,art fans have more opportunities to visit numerous art exhibitons, enriching their knowledge and broadenning their horison to an exceeding extent. ）

e5 }, T& x3 F5 m) D
Consequently, I'd like to advocate that governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics. As a matter of fact, arts play(因为arts是作为集体名词出现的，所以用单数就好 plays) a critical part(role) in our life and we should call for the boom of arts.

LZ 思路挺清晰的，可是在某些表达上却欠缺了点，建议加强语言功底的培养。另外LZ的整篇文章中一些指示词不是很明显，这使得段落各个细节的衔接显的模糊，建议LZ下次创作时可以注意一下这个方面。修改有不周到的地方，虚心接受批评了，一起加油 共勉！（前个礼拜学校网络整修 所以改晚了 不好意思！）