0906G同主题ARGUMENT143 by 好困想睡觉，求拍

好困想睡觉UID: 2545878

想问下，下面的开头行不行？我看了好多讨论开头的文章，还是还是有点蒙....
能不能指点下开头改怎么改？
In failing to consider the recent report on the United States economy comprehensively, the author concludes that an article on corporate downsizing in the United States is misleading upon the three finding of the report. However the conclusion is logically unconvincing in that it relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumption.

To begin with, far more jobs have been created than have been eliminated since 1992 cannot prove people who lost jobs are now easier to find jobs again. With the ever-increase population, it is likely that the growth rate of population is much more than the growth rate of available jobs. In that case, people are facing with much more difficulties to find new jobs, not to mention people who lost jobs for the reason that many companies like to hire graduate who are likely to be paid less salary but working hard. Thus, it is untenable to say that with more jobs available, people with jobs lost would easily find new jobs.

Moreover, the fact that many of those who lost their jobs have found new employment revealed from the report does not necessarily indicate that people who lost jobs do not face serious economic hardship for years before finding other suitable jobs. What is the average time of unemployed spent for finding a job? What is the living condition of unemployed when they are finding a job? As the author do not provide us this information, the conclusion remains unconvinced.

Finally, the third finding provides little support to the author’s conclusion. First, unemployed people are not surely to get these jobs for the higher salary offered, the more competitive the jobs would be. Second, the fact that two-thirds of the newly created jobs tend to pay above-average has nothing to do with unemployed people. The article in the newspaper says people suffer serious economic hardship before finding suitable employment, but the third finding of the report says two-thirds of newly created jobs are paid well. The article focus on the situation before unemployed find a job while the finding focus on the situation after unemployed find a job. Therefore, the third finding can hardly support the author’s conclusion.

To sum up, the argument lacks credibility for it is seriously flawed in several critical respects. To strengthen it, more detail about the living condition of unemployed people while finding a job should be provide, the author would also have to provide the average time of finding a job.

irvine666UID: 2575525

In failing to consider the recent report on the United States economy comprehensively, the author concludes that an article on corporate downsizing in the United States is misleading upon the three finding of the report. However the conclusion is logically unconvincing in that it relies on(直接for就行) a series of unsubstantiated assumption.其实这样的开头挺好的

To begin with, far more jobs have been created than have been eliminated since 1992 cannot prove (that) people who lost jobs are now easier(这里存在问题，作者并没有在年代上对比找工作的容易程度，因此你这个easier是经不起推敲的) to find jobs again. (句子之间的逻辑连接不紧密，思维跳跃了，前面还在批作者的逻辑有问题，后面马上跳转到人口对工作的影响) With the ever-increase population, it is likely that the growth rate of population is much more than the growth rate of available jobs. In that case, people are facing with much more difficulties to find new jobs, not to mention people who lost jobs for the reason that many companies like to hire graduate who are likely to be paid less salary but working hard(你这个也是无根据假设，用无根据假设来批作者的无根据假设，是说不通的). Thus, it is untenable to say that with more jobs available, people with jobs lost would easily find new jobs.

Moreover, the fact that many of those who lost their jobs have found new employment revealed from the report does not necessarily indicate that people who lost jobs do not face serious economic hardship for years（既然这里出现了for years应该在上一个分句里面也强调一个时间问题才对，否则显得太过于突然） before finding other suitable jobs. What is the average time of unemployed spent for finding a job? What is the living condition of unemployed when they are finding a job? （反问句一定要注意，是为了吸引读者的好奇心，你既然吸引了，就得负责解释清楚，否则被吊了半天胃口突然发现没了是什么感觉？）As the author do not provide us this information, the conclusion remains unconvinced.

Finally, the third finding(这个又是啥？指代不明，作者有说哪个东西是third finding么？不过是你自己的认为罢了) provides little support to the author’s conclusion. First, unemployed people are not surely to get these jobs for the higher salary offered, the more competitive the jobs would be(高薪的工作竞争激烈是没错，不过你想用来反驳作者的哪一个观点或者哪一个词总得说清楚才能结束这个first吧). Second, the fact that two-thirds of the newly created jobs tend to pay above-average (might,依然是个语气问题，记住你的他因都是猜测，不能用陈述语气)has nothing to do with unemployed people. The article in the newspaper says people suffer serious economic hardship before finding suitable employment, but the third finding of the report says two-thirds of newly created jobs are paid well. The article focus on the situation before unemployed find a job while the finding focus on the situation after unemployed find a job.(整个second，老实说我没看明白你到底是为了列举两边的观点，还是为了批驳作者的观点...) Therefore, the third finding can hardly support the author’s conclusion.

To sum up, the argument lacks credibility for it is seriously flawed in several critical respects. To strengthen it, more detail about the living condition of unemployed people while finding a job should be provide, the author would also have to provide the average time of finding a job.