komy_lee的习作

komy_leeUID: 2364433

11月19日习作
issue：
ISSUE51-Education will be truely effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.

The speaker asserts that education should be specially designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student. It is tempting to agree with the speaker on the basis that each student is different from anyone else in personal needs and interests because his/her unique background of experience and education, which form his/her character differing from others. However, the speaker’s assertion appears unreasonable when it comes to the ultimate purpose of education. For the harmony of the whole society, students must  be required to some courses which inculcate them with the sense of duty, peace, and so like.

The implicit rationale behind the speaker’s statement seems to be that the universal attributes pale in education compared the diversity of each person. That the latter is more important compared to the development of an individual is indisputable; after all, one can easily spring up for his/her distinct from all others. Accordingly, I concede that education should be designed to meet individual needs and interests when it comes to personal individual. Yet, if the society we live in develops slowly, the material and cultural life of people will not be improved, let alone individual needs and interests. One can never develop without the development of the society.

An argument against the speaker’s position has to do with the existence of human beings. To bring home the pivotal but forgotten role of education we need to recall that there is a fundamental difference between human beings and animal. Instincts and physical needs alone can bring bees, ants, or herbs of beasts together to live in a perfectly functioning animal society. But human beings are not constrained by nature to follow the ways that are necessary for the harmonious operation of their society. what drives them to live  with each other harmoniously and make the society thriving is the sharing of common goals, beliefs, values and outlook on life. Accordingly, to transfer these common sense from generation to generation is the very mission of education. Universities and schools must provide their students with course about the duty as to be citizens and leaders needed for the smooth operation of the society.

According to what is discussed above, universities and colleges should require all students to study the compulsory courses. Besides that, they can chose the courses they are interested in to learn. In this way, they not only know better how to act as a qualified citizen, but also improve themselves in the fields which they are interested in. Only under such system of education, can either students enjoy a healthy growth or the society develop soundly.


Argument 75
In this analysis the arguer attempts to convince us that the increase in childhood obesity is probably due to the suburbanization of America and the associated decrease in the opportunities children have for exercise. To sustain the claim, the arguer provides the evidence that in the same time that the proportion of children living in suburbs has increased the obesity rates among children have been increasing since the 1970’s. The argument is also based on the assumption that children living in rural areas lack exercise and that a big portion of the children suffering from obesity are those living in suburbs. As it stands persuasive, the analysis is unconvincing for several critical flaws.

To begin with, the arguer observes a correlation between the place where children live and the obesity, then concludes that the former is the cause of the latter. However, the arguer fails to rule out other possible explanations for the increase of the rates of obesity of children. For example, since the 1970’s, it is entirely possible that people especially children has enjoyed am improvement of life quality and consequently most of them get an overnutrition. Moreover, other factors such as the preference of fast-food might also lead to the increase of obesity rates. Without ruling out all other such factors it is unfair to conclude that the suburbanization causes the increase in childhood obesity in America.

In the second place, the arguer groundlessly assumes that being driven everywhere bears some relation to childhood obesity. At first glance the assumption is sort of reasonable. However, the arguer provides no evidence to support that this is the case, nor does the arguer establish a casual relationship between the two. It is highly possible that the children living in rural areas do other kinds of exercises such as climbing, swimming to keep themselves from obesity, though they do little walk when they need to go somewhere. It is equally possible that the children living in cities don’t do any physical exercises except for that they have to walk a short distance to school. They may prefer to stay at home watching TV because there are not any interesting places for them to play.
Accordingly, it is presumptuous to suggest that going everywhere by bus or car was responsible for children’s obesity.

In summary, the argument is not persuasive as it stands. To strengthen the argument, the arguer has to provide information about the distribution in area of the children suffering from obesity. In order to better evaluate the argument, the arguer must also show that there are no other factors accounting to obesity of children and the children living in areas don’t take any kinds of physical exercises.


第一正式写，没掐时间，请大家不吝赐教。
11月21日习作issue43
"To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standard"



The discussion of the issue among individuals and in society as a whole has come into vogue during the last decades. In my point of view, no one can deny that a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral stand. Otherwise, they can not do anything contribution to the society, either in fields of morality or economy. However, they author fails to rule that common citizens should have the equally high standards that are expected from public officials. Absence of either of the two aspects, can the society get a healthy development.

To begin with, a public official in decision-making post must be a person who cherishes honesty, the law of law, impartiality, the politic neutrality. Only a person possessing such qualities can make decisions according to the benefit of the society as a whole rather than the demand of a particular individual or group. Any official must be required to enhance his/her own quality when it comes to the morality. We can never accept an official who over his/her entire professional life has been hiding his real intentions under a camouflage in order to finally sign a contract disadvantageous for the state, install a coterie to briefly take over an institution, employ an unskilled sister-in-law or earn a dubious extra income outside his institution. We need officials who want to serve a country or a state in their deep hearts. Without the passion to devote his/her life to improvement of people’s life quality, the improvement of a country, the progress of human society, one can never be a effective leader.

In the second place, there comes around an argument against the author that leaders can be allowed to make some mistakes when it comes to their private life, which does not disturb them to make right decisions when they are acting as leaders. It is an absurd argument for the following reasons: firstly, there is no guarantee that a leader acting wrongly in his/her private life will never make mistakes in his/her work. Secondly, shortcomings in private life will inevitably make a leader lose his credit with his/her subordinate and consequently make it more difficult for his/her instructions to be exercised, even though they are made with justice. When one gets arrested for soliciting sex in a bathroom or gets arrested making a drunk of him/herself, who dares to obey him? Thirdly, inappropriate acting in private life of an official will surely impair his image in the people who voted for him/her, as a result, the decisions will be regarded as unpersuasive and unbeneficial. Accordingly, public figures should be supposed to be roll models for the public, either for the effectiveness of the government or for the benefit of the construction of society’s ethic.

For the last but not least, not only the public officials must set an example in ethical and moral standard, but also the common people are required to behave according to ethic and morality. The development of a society depends on both the good acting of public leaders and the effort made by all the people. The basic power of the progress in history is the majority of common citizens rather than the officials, who have been acting as catalyst.
According what is discussed above, I conclude that public leaders have the responsibility to maintain the highest ethic and moral standard to work effectively. However, common are also required to behave as moral persons. Only in this way, can officials effectively lead us to create a newer, better future.


argument 83:

The manager of Medicine Inc. concludes in the memo that profits of Medicine Inc. is likely to continue to have increasing profits and suggests to open an additional drugstore next year. To support his/her conclusion, the author cites the evident that most business analysis for the drugstore industry have stated that even when a nation’s economy is weak, drugstores’ profits are unlikely to decline appreciably. The argument is also based on an assumption that there are no other factors except for people’s purchase of drugs accounting to the profits of a drugstore. At first glance, the analysis seems persuasive, but further reflection reveals that it suffers from some flaws.

For the first place, the author assumes the characteristic of a group apply to every member of that group. The conclusion that Medicine Inc. will continue to have profits is based on the analysis for the drugstore industry. However, there is no guarantee that is the case, nor does author provide any evidence to substantiate this assumption. A great deal of empirical evidence shows that the profits of one or two drugstores decline for some un-natural factors although the drugstore industry continues to have increasing profits. It is highly possible Medicine Inc. will suffer from bad management. Without information of smart management of Medicine Inc. the author cannot draw any firm conclusion.

For the second place, the author fails to consider and rule out other factors influencing the profits of drugstore. Admittedly, prescription and over-the-counter drug purchases are dictated by consumers’ health needs rather than economy. However, there is no evidence to support the assumption. Owning to the weakness of economy, people may pay more attention to keep health to avoid paying money to hospitals or drugstores. Another possibility is that even if they get sick, they may prefer the cheaper drugs which contribute little to the profits of the drugstore. Accordingly, the argument is basically undermined for not ruling out the above factors. Moreover,
For the third place, the author provides no evidence that the cost of the drugstores cannot be influenced by the weakness of economy. Common sense tells us that profits are related to not only the sales but also the costs. The price of the raw materials which are used to produce drugs, the charge of the rent, the pay of the drugstore’s workers are all linked with the situation of economy. Therefore, there is no certainty that Medicine Inc. will continue to have increasing profits without regard to the weak economy.

Finally, the author makes a hasty conclusion that another drugstores should be opened next years. Even if Medicine Inc. will make big fortune next year, it does not necessarily that another drugstore will be profitable. Before a plan is suggested, an investigation is indispensable. The author gives no evidence to show that another drugstore is needed and that people will prefer the newly opened drugstores than the old ones. Absence of such information, we cannot accept the author’s conclusion that an additional drugstore is profitable.

In sum, as it stands the argument is wholly unpersuasive. To bolster it the author must show that the analysis for drugstores applies to Medicine Inc. The author must also provide more information that the management of Medicine Inc. is under a good condition. Besides, a precise investigation must be made to support the plan of the open of an additional drugstore.


[ 本帖最后由 komy_lee 于 2007-11-22 21:04 编辑 ]

shuwenyingUID: 2233183

issue：
ISSUE51-Education will be truely effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.

The speaker asserts that education should be specially designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student. It is tempting to agree with the speaker on the basis that each student is different from anyone else in personal needs and interests because his/her unique background of experience and education, which form his/her character differing from others. However, the speaker’s assertion appears unreasonable when it comes to the ultimate purpose of education. For the harmony of the whole society, students must  be required to some courses which inculcate them with the sense of duty, peace, and so like.开头有点不够简洁，一般的稳妥策略是开头提出观点，尽量不要马上开始议论

The implicit rationale behind the speaker’s statement seems to be that the universal attributes pale in education compared the diversity of each person. That the latter is more important compared to the development of an individual is indisputable这句话同时有2个谓语，建议分开两个句子或者使用连词; after all, one can easily spring up for his/her distinctdistinctions from all去掉 others. Accordingly, I concede that education should be designed to meet individual needs and interests when it comes to personal individual没有这样搭配的. Yet, if the society we live in develops slowly, the material and cultural life of people will not be improved, let alone individual needs and interests.这里跟主题无关 One can never develop without the development of the society.意思有点前后不连贯。后半段有点走题，变成社会发展了。总觉得看完之后有点confused，不是很明白作者想说什么。

An argument against the speaker’s position has to do with the existence of human beings太宽泛，请具体一点比较好. To bring home the pivotal but forgotten role of education we need to recall that there is a fundamental difference between human beings and animal. Instincts and physical needs alone can bring bees, ants, or herbs of beasts together to live in a perfectly functioning animal society. But human beings are not constrained by nature to follow the ways that are necessary for the harmonious operation of their society. what drives them to live  with each other harmoniously and make the society thriving is the sharing of common goals, beliefs, values and outlook on life. Accordingly, to transfer these common sense from generation to generation is the very mission of education. Universities and schools must provide their students with course about the duty as to be citizens and leaders needed for the smooth operation of the society. 个人觉得这个观点不是很有力，明白作者是想说明教育人们一些common的东西对人类社发展的重要性，但是用人和动物对比的论证角度不是很有力。

According to what is discussed above, universities and colleges should require all students to study the compulsory courses. Besides that, they can chose the courses they are interested in to learn. In this way, they not only know better how to act as a qualified citizen, but also improve themselves in the fields which they are interested in. Only under such system of education, can either students enjoy a healthy growth or the society develop soundly.
指出一个关键问题，作者漏了考虑题目中的一个重要关键词truely effective。所以你的论证显得无力

Argument 75
In this analysis the arguer attempts to convince us that the increase in childhood obesity is probably due to the suburbanization of America and the associated decrease in the opportunities children have for exercise. To sustain the claim, the arguer provides the evidence that in the same time that the proportion of children living in suburbs has increased the obesity rates among children have been increasing since the 1970’s. The argument is also based on the assumption that children living in rural areas lack exercise and that a big portion of the children suffering from obesity are those living in suburbs. As it stands persuasive, the analysis is unconvincing for several critical flaws. 模版气息太重！北美范文可看不可抄

To begin with, the arguer observes a correlation between the place where children live and the obesity, then concludes that the former is the cause of the latter. However, the arguer fails to rule out other possible explanations for the increase of the rates of obesity of children. For example, since the 1970’s, it is entirely possible that people especially children has enjoyed am improvement of life quality and consequently most of them get an overnutrition. Moreover, other factors such as the preference of fast-food might also lead to the increase of obesity rates. Without ruling out all other such factors it is unfair to conclude that the suburbanization causes the increase in childhood obesity in America.论证挺流畅，但是仍然有很强的北美范文影子

In the second place, the arguer groundlessly assumes that being driven改成driving everywhere bears some relation to childhood obesity. At first glance the assumption is sort of reasonable. However, the arguer provides no evidence to support that this is the case, nor does the arguer establish a casual relationship between the two. It is highly possible that the children living in rural areas do other kinds of exercises such as climbing, swimming to keep themselves from obesity, though they do little walk when they need to go somewhere. It is equally possible that the children living in cities don’t do any physical exercises except for that they have to walk a short distance to school. They may prefer to stay at home watching TV because there are not any interesting places for them to play.
Accordingly, it is presumptuous to suggest that going everywhere by bus or car was responsible for children’s obesity.论证挺好，也很流畅

In summary, the argument is not persuasive as it stands. To strengthen the argument, the arguer has to provide information about the distribution in area of the children suffering from obesity. In order to better evaluate the argument, the arguer must also show that there are no other factors accounting to obesity of children and the children living in areas don’t take any kinds of physical exercises.
argument还是挺好的，除了有点模版的影子。但是逻辑错误只找到了两处，应该还有其他，建议仔细分析题目。
一点个人意见，欢迎Pm或者QQ我来讨论啊～

komy_leeUID: 2364433

谢谢shuwenying  
辛苦了，我也意识到我写作文不能脚踏实地，动不动就上升到人类发展了。
第二段和第三段，我其实都是想表达对人类社会的发展和存在来说，一些最基本的观念是必需的，所以在教育中相关的课程对每个学生来说都必不可少。因此不能纯粹按照学生个人的兴趣和需要来设置课程教育他们。不知道这种说法可有理？当然，我的表达可能有些别扭了，所以很confusing
至于argumenrt， 正如你说的，当前对我来说最大的问题就是模式化。我正在探索中

兰子UID: 2404184

"To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standard"



The discussion of the issue among individuals and in society as a whole has come into vogue during the last decades. In my point of view, no one can deny that a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral stand. Otherwise, they can not do anything contribution to the society, either in fields of morality or economy. However, they author fails to rule that common citizens should have the equally high standards that are expected from public officials. Absence of either of the two aspects, can the society get a healthy development.(觉得这句话不切题,因为讨论的是领导的道德和其领导能力的问题,并没有扩大到普通公众)

To begin with, a public official in decision-making post must be a person who cherishes honesty, the law of law,(这句话什么意思?不好意思,没有明白) impartiality, the politic neutrality. Only a person possessing such qualities can (he)make decisions according to the benefit of the society as a whole rather than the demand of a particular individual or group. Any official must be required to enhance his/her own quality when it comes to the morality. We can never accept an official who over his/her entire professional life has been hiding his real intentions under a camouflage in order to finally sign a contract disadvantageous for the state, install a coterie to briefly take over(take over指接管,接替,接任,一般和具体的职务相连吧?) an institution, employ an unskilled sister-in-law or earn a dubious extra income outside his institution. We need officials who want to serve a country or a state in their deep hearts. Without the passion to devote his/her life to (the)improvement of people’s life quality(people’s life quality很别扭), the improvement of a country, the progress of human society, one can never be a effective leader.

In the second place, there comes around an argument against the author that leaders can be allowed to make some mistakes when it comes to their private life, which does not disturb them to make right decisions when they are acting as leaders. It is an absurd argument for the following reasons(我觉得这个论断和本文没有直接的联系,本文论述的是领导的道德和领导力之间的关系): firstly, there is no guarantee that a leader acting wrongly(people’s life quality这样说是语法错误地吧) in his/her private life will never make mistakes in his/her work. Secondly, shortcomings in private life will inevitably make a leader lose his credit with(with改为among) his/her subordinate and consequently make it more difficult for his/her instructions to be exercised, even though they are made with justice(什么意思?). When one gets arrested for soliciting sex(solicit指卖淫者拉客) in a bathroom or gets arrested making a drunk of him/herself, who dares to obey him?(可以明白意思,但说得不清楚) Thirdly, inappropriate acting in private life of an official will surely impair his image in the people who voted for him/her, as a result, the decisions(应该是领导的决定吧?要指明!) will be regarded as unpersuasive and unbeneficial. Accordingly, public figures should be supposed to be roll models for the public, either for the effectiveness of the government or for the benefit of the construction of society’s ethic.(either or指的是选其中之一,应该用not only  but also)

For the last but not(the) least, not only the public officials must set an example in ethical and moral standard, but also the common people are required to behave according to ethic and morality. The development of a society depends on both the good acting of public leaders and the effort made by all the people. The basic power of the progress in history is the majority of common citizens rather than the officials, who have been acting as catalyst.
According(to) what is (is改为has been)discussed above, I conclude that public leaders have the responsibility to maintain the highest ethic(ethical) and moral standard to work effectively. However, common are also required to behave as moral persons. Only in this way, can officials effectively lead us to create a newer, better future.

我改动的是小的语法错误,但感觉文章只有第2段的论述切题,剩下两段的论证和题目表达的意思没有直接的联系!
另外,多用一下承接连词会让文章的逻辑性更强!
拍的有点狠,欢迎和我讨论!:)

兰子UID: 2404184

argument 83:The manager of Medicine Inc. concludes in the memo that profits of Medicine Inc. is likely to continue to have increasing profits(前面有profits，后面这样写就说不通，是错误的) and suggests to open an additional drugstore next year. To support his/her conclusion, the author cites the evident that most business analysis for the drugstore industry have stated that even when a nation’s economy is weak, drugstores’ profits are unlikely to decline appreciably.（最好变换一下句式，和原文不一样最好） The argument is also based on an assumption that there are no other factors except for people’s purchase of drugs accounting to the profits of a drugstore（个人意见，题目中作者并没有这样的观点）. At first glance, the analysis seems persuasive, but further reflection reveals that it suffers from some flaws.For the first place, the author assumes the characteristic of a group apply to every member of that group. The conclusion that Medicine Inc. will continue to have profits is based on the analysis for the drugstore industry. However, there is no guarantee that is the case, nor does author provide any evidence to substantiate this assumption. A great deal of empirical evidence shows that the profits of one or two drugstores decline for some un-natural factors although the drugstore industry continues to have increasing profits. It is highly possible Medicine Inc. will suffer from bad management. Without information of smart management of Medicine Inc. the author cannot draw any firm conclusion.（觉得很相北美范文的风格，其实我也不是很清楚这些范文该怎么用） For the second place, the author fails to consider and rule out other factors influencing the profits of（要有冠词） drugstore. Admittedly, prescription and over-the-counter drug purchases are dictated by consumers’ health needs rather than economy（我觉得题目中并不是将这两项对比）. However, there is no evidence to support the assumption. Owning to the weakness of economy, people may pay more attention to keep health to avoid paying money to hospitals or drugstores. Another possibility is that even if they get sick, they may prefer the cheaper drugs which contribute little to the profits of the drugstore.（这两条原因想的很好！） Accordingly, the argument is basically undermined for not ruling out the above factors. Moreover, For the third place, the author provides no evidence that the cost of the drugstores cannot be influenced by the weakness of economy. Common sense tells us that profits are related to not only （调换一下to和not only 的顺序）the sales but also the costs. The price of the raw materials which are used to produce drugs, the charge of the rent, the pay of the drugstore’s workers are all linked with the situation of economy（这些理由很好，我当时怎么想都没有想到）. Therefore, there is no certainty that Medicine Inc. will continue to have increasing profits without regard （用ing形式）to the weak economy.Finally, the author makes a hasty conclusion that another drugstores should be opened next years. Even if Medicine Inc. will make big fortune next year, it does not necessarily that another drugstore will be profitable（另一家药店也会盈利是不必要的，这意思说不通）. Before a plan is suggested, an investigation is indispensable. The author gives no evidence to show that another drugstore is needed and that people will prefer the newly opened drugstores than the old ones. Absence of such information, we cannot accept the author’s conclusion that an additional drugstore is profitable.In sum, as it stands the argument is wholly unpersuasive. To bolster it the author must show that the analysis for drugstores applies to Medicine Inc. The author must also provide more information that the management of Medicine Inc. is under a good condition. Besides, a precise investigation must be made to support the plan of the open of an additional drugstore.

感觉逻辑不错，某些句子很漂亮，但某些句子种就有很明显的语法错误，继续努力，

komy_leeUID: 2364433

谢谢兰子如此细心并且高屋建瓴给我提出的意见，十分感谢。
我想说一说我写作时的思路，请帮我看看是否合理：
第一段：否定作者观点
第二段：只有具有高水平到的标准的领导才能做出对人民对社会有利的决策，有才能做一个有有效率的领导。
第三段：只有没有道德问题的领导对下属，对民众都不会有说服力，这样会导致他的决策难以实施，也不可能高效地完成领导工作。
第四段：要使一个领导成为一个高效率的领导，不仅仅是领导本身要保持很高的道德修养，普通人民也需要用道德来约束自己的言行。因为他们才是真正的推动人类社会前进的动力。
第五段：结论

这样看来我的思路还是很清晰的，可能很多时候辞不达意了，需要在以后改进。
另外，我觉得本题和普通民众是有关系的。新东方老师讲过一个another way to deal with problem 的方法，就是说一旦提到要达到什么目的采取什么措施的问题的时候，就可以用这个方法：不仅仅需要题目中提到的手段，其他的手段也可以或者需要配合来达到题中的目的。

再次感谢兰子的可贵意见。希望继续拍砖。

lestouUID: 2260126

很好的思路,全面,严谨.受教了