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捧着北美范文看了好久，终于在考前13天写出了第一篇argu （黑体字部分）。本来想发到网上求拍友，不知怎么回事终于看到了argu的官方范文，立刻觉得自己写的偏离其要求太远。花了两天时间研究范文，以及ets修改过的文章，然后自己修改自己的文章（红体字部分），尽量模仿范文的行文，感觉比较像样。
主要修改了文章的行文风格，去掉了费了大力气从北美范文中学来的逻辑词句，舍弃了辛辛苦苦背下的模版，改用自然的行文；几乎没有用很‘掉书袋’式的被动句，努力以内在逻辑取胜。
题目是最高频的，写黑体的原文花了我两个半小时，修改也用了差不多的时间。
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TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
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看了官方范文后，觉得诸如In this analysis, the arguer claims that---------To substantiate the conclusion , the arguer--------In addition, the arguer assumes that -------------On the basis of this line of reasoning the author infers that ---------This argument is problematic in several respects. 这样的模版真是没什么意义。我从官方范文中得到的信息是：开头要表明你知道argu的结论，知道哪里有问题，知道说‘我明白它有flaws’。
In this editorial, the author cites a survey to demonstrate that Whirlwind's several games advertised currently meet the preference of video-game players 10 to 25 years old, because of their lifelike graphics. On the basis of it, the author hastily infers that the sales of Whirlwind are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. However, I find this inference is problematic in several respects, rendering the editorial unconvincing as it stands.
Before asserting that the sales trend of Whirlwind video games is about to increase dramatically in the next few months, we should examine the line of reasoning and the evidence given in this editorial from several other angles.//这一句是从范文改来的// Not only the reliability and pertinency of the survey, but also the validity of the advertising campaign is open to question. In addition, the author ignores some other factors that might affect the sales. I will discuss each of the flaws in turn.
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The major problem with this editorial is that the author provides no evidence that the survey's result is statistical reliable. In order to establish a strong conclusion that players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics rather than any other games, the survey's sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the overall population of video-game players and be scientific in the way the survey was conducted. Lacking information about the randomness, representability and size of the survey's sample and the scientificalness of the survey's methods, the author cannot justifiably rely on the survey to draw any conclusion whatsoever.
//全是北美范文上学来的,拼成这个大模版，一开始花了半个多小时写，感觉超通用//
//看了范文后，觉得这实在太虚了，不仅我背得辛苦饶舌，也------------//
The basis of the reasoning is the reliability and pertinency of the survey, which turns to be suspicious. //中心句，也呼应开头段中的the reliability and pertinency of the survey// Firstly, in evaluating the reliability of the survey, one must consider whether the survey’s sample is sufficient in size and representative of the overall population of video-game players. If the survey was limited to a few customers of a certain video-game dealer, or to some students of a local high school, or to several visitors of a question website, the results might just be attributable to those particular individuals. One must also consider how the survey was conducted, usually people tend to respond to some specific survey, which they are interested in, with the expected answer. Hence, it is necessary to perfect the survey, before making any conclusion from it. //说调查本身不合理，展开了原文中泛泛而论的the survey's sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the overall population 以及be scientific in the way the survey was conducted.，接下来说即使调查本身合理，它的针对性有问题，最好的特质不等于最强的购买吸引力// Secondly, even the survey is statistical reliable, it can only illuminate that players prefer to lifelike graphics in a video game rather than any other features. Generally speaking, people purchase the games according to their own fancies. Some features besides graphics, such as the type, the scenarios, and the public praise of the game, might impact people’s choice. One may be absorbed in network game featuring lifelike graphics, and her or his friends may be fond of the Role Play Game featuring lifelike graphics in personal computer. Thus the survey cannot prove that video games that provide lifelike graphics will be the best-sale merchandise.
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Even if the survey is reliable, the author falsely indicates that the extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to25 years old will be effective and hence the sales will increase. Accordingly, the editorial rests on the assumption that the preference to video-game players responsed to the survey can represent that of people 10 to 25 years old. Yet the mere fact that this age-group are more likely to play video games is scant evidence, it is entirely possible that they lack of time and money to play video games regardless of their inclination. Absent a clear evidence that video games with lifelike graphics are popular with people 10 to 25 years old, the author cannot convince me of the increased sales.
//多么标准的五段式论证，主题句（指出存在逻辑错误的点）+（指出作者得出这个错误结论所依赖的假设）+（转折，指出假设无依据）+（展开说其他可能推测）+（小结），也写了很久//
//但是，还是太虚了//
Another element of the reasoning is the validity of the advertising campaign, which is also dubious. //中心句，呼应开头段中的the validity of the advertising campaign // As it mentioned in the editorial, that the extensive advertising campaign was directing at people 10 to 25 years old, the author seems to assume that the survey above can reflect this age-group’s inclination. However, assuming that the survey above is reliable, before reaching the assumption, it is required to view whether the part of this age-group in the survey shows such a preference. //先说广告活动的市场定位无依据，不能由survey推出，然后说即使定位成立，喜好倾向也不代表销量// Even if it is the case, the author makes another unfairly assumption that this age-group is the largest customer-group of video-game. It is possibly true that they have the highest passion to play games, but they cannot do so. Because they have to spend most of the time on academic courses and homework, they also lack of money since they cannot work full-time as students. Therefore, such an advertising campaign cannot convince me of its validity.
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//这两段感觉写得不错，就是逻辑上没有明确关联性，直接加了一些连接词拼成第三段。//
Another problem worth considering is从这里开始截--- the reason of the declined sales of Whirlwind video games over the past two years. Perhaps, It might due to the intense competion with other video-game companies. Consequently, without more marketing information about that Whirlwind has preponderance over its competitors in the market of games that provides lifelike graphics, it is difficult to claim that the declined sales trend is about to be reversed. --到这里
Before I come to my conclusion, it is necessary to point out another flaw appear in the editorial. While a high preference to video games with lifelike graphics is strong evidence of purchase, in itself it is not sufficient. 从这里开始截--- Considering that the this kind of games require the most up-to-date computers, it is impossible for most people to own such a computer, since we all know that most up-to-date merchandises are acquirable to minority rich only. Thus, without considering that how much the limited requirement to computers will impact the sales of video games, it is impossible to assess the strength of the editorial. --到这里
Before I come to my conclusion, there are some other factors, which might affect the sales, worth considering. //再次呼应开头出现的ignores some other factors that might affect the sales ，然后直接上原文的两段// One is the rivalry between companies. Although the editorial doesn’t mention the reason of the declined sales of Whirlwind video games over the past two years, we can infer that it might due to the intense competition with other video-game companies. Consequently, without more marketing information about that now Whirlwind takes preponderance over its competitors in the market of games that provides lifelike graphics, it is difficult to conclude that the declined sales trend is about to be reversed. Another factor might be the hardware conditions. Considering the fact mentioned in the editorial that this kind of games require the most up-to-date computers, it is impossible for most people to own such a computer, since we all know that most up-to-date merchandises are acquirable to minority rich only. Thus, without considering that how much the limited requirement to hardware will impact the sales of video games, it is impossible to assess the strength of the editorial.
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//筋疲力尽，写不出来了，感觉该说的上面都说过了，虽然新东方的老师说把前面文章中指出的错误改成建议贴过来就可以，但是不用模版写的那句子没法改-贴处理，而且范文中也没见这么干的，都是挺有建议性的东西，而且有的还没有补充建议，所以简单模仿写了一点。//
In conclusion, the editorial is specious. To bolster it the author must provide clear evidence that the preference to video-game players response to the survey can represent that of people 10 to 25 years old ,and that this age-group are capable of purchase. To strength the conclusion that the declined sales over the past tow years is about to be reversed, I would need more information about the marketing of such kind of video games.
In conclusion, the editorial has poor reasoning and evidence. To bolster it the author must provide full and accurate survey of video-game players, and so do the reports both of the market-analysis and the advertise-plan.
写完后，感觉似乎摸到argu的门路了，但这只是自认为的，发上来，希望各位gter帮忙看看，是不是改正后的文章更像样。如果估分的话，改正前后各能得多少分呢？
请多多指正。
谢谢~~~~~~~~~~~~
方便大家阅读，全文个贴一下：
修改前，模仿北美范文：
In this editorial, the author cites a survey to demonstrate that Whirlwind's several games advertised currently meet the preference of video-game players 10 to 25 years old, because of their lifelike graphics. On the basis of it, the author hastily infers that the sales of Whirlwind are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. However, I find this inference is problematic in several respects, rendering the editorial unconvincing as it stands.
The major problem with this editorial is that the author provides no evidence that the survey's result is statistical reliable. In order to establish a strong conclusion that players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics rather than any other games, the survey's sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the overall population of video-game players and be scientific in the way the survey was conducted. Lacking information about the randomness, representability and size of the survey's sample and the scientificalness of the survey's methods, the author cannot justifiably rely on the survey to draw any conclusion whatsoever.
Even if the survey is reliable, the author falsely indicates that the extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to25 years old will be effective and hence the sales will increase. Accordingly, the editorial rests on the assumption that the preference to video-game players responsed to the survey can represent that of people 10 to 25 years old. Yet the mere fact that this age-group are more likely to play video games is scant evidence, it is entirely possible that they lack of time and money to play video games regardless of their inclination. Absent a clear evidence that video games with lifelike graphics are popular with people 10 to 25 years old, the author cannot convince me of the increased sales.
Another problem worth considering is the reason of the declined sales of Whirlwind video games over the past two years. Perhaps, It might due to the intense competion with other video-game companies. Consequently, without more marketing information about that Whirlwind has preponderance over its competitors in the market of games that provides lifelike graphics, it is difficult to claim that the declined sales trend is about to be reversed.
Before I come to my conclusion, it is necessary to point out another flaw appear in the editorial. While a high preference to video games with lifelike graphics is strong evidence of purchase, in itself it is not sufficient. Considering that the this kind of games require the most up-to-date computers, it is impossible for most people to own such a computer, since we all know that most up-to-date merchandises are acquirable to minority rich only. Thus, without considering that how much the limited requirement to computers will impact the sales of video games, it is impossible to assess the strength of the editorial.
In conclusion, the editorial is specious. To bolster it the author must provide clear evidence that the preference to video-game players response to the survey can represent that of people 10 to 25 years old ,and that this age-group are capable of purchase. To strength the conclusion that the declined sales over the past tow years is about to be reversed, I would need more information about the marketing of such kind of video games.
然后是模仿gre官方范文的：
Before asserting that the sales trend of Whirlwind video games is about to increase dramatically in the next few months, we should examine the line of reasoning and the evidence given in this editorial from several other angles. Not only the reliability and pertinency of the survey, but also the validity of the advertising campaign is open to question. In addition, the author ignores some other factors that might affect the sales. I will discuss each of the flaws in turn.
The basis of the reasoning is the reliability and pertinency of the survey, which turns to be suspicious. Firstly, in evaluating the reliability of the survey, one must consider whether the survey’s sample is sufficient in size and representative of the overall population of video-game players. If the survey was limited to a few customers of a certain video-game dealer, or to some students of a local high school, or to several visitors of a question website, the results might just be attributable to those particular individuals. One must also consider how the survey was conducted, usually people tend to respond to some specific survey, which they are interested in, with the expected answer. Hence, it is necessary to perfect the survey, before making any conclusion from it. Secondly, even the survey is statistical reliable, it can only illuminate that players prefer to lifelike graphics in a video game rather than any other features. Generally speaking, people purchase the games according to their own fancies. Some features besides graphics, such as the type, the scenarios, and the public praise of the game, might impact people’s choice. One may be absorbed in network game featuring lifelike graphics, and her or his friends may be fond of the Role Play Game featuring lifelike graphics in personal computer. Thus the survey cannot prove that video games that provide lifelike graphics will be the best-sale merchandise.
Another element of the reasoning is the validity of the advertising campaign, which is also dubious. As it mentioned in the editorial, that the extensive advertising campaign was directing at people 10 to 25 years old, the author seems to assume that the survey above can reflect this age-group’s inclination. However, assuming that the survey above is reliable, before reaching the assumption, it is required to view whether the part of this age-group in the survey shows such a preference. Even if it is the case, the author makes another unfairly assumption that this age-group is the largest customer-group of video-game. It is possibly true that they have the highest passion to play games, but they cannot do so. Because they have to spend most of the time on academic courses and homework, they also lack of money since they cannot work full-time as students. Therefore, such an advertising campaign cannot convince me of its validity.
Before I come to my conclusion, there are some other factors, which might affect the sales, worth considering. One is the rivalry between companies. Although the editorial doesn’t mention the reason of the declined sales of Whirlwind video games over the past two years, we can infer that it might due to the intense competition with other video-game companies. Consequently, without more marketing information about that now Whirlwind takes preponderance over its competitors in the market of games that provides lifelike graphics, it is difficult to conclude that the declined sales trend is about to be reversed. Another factor might be the hardware conditions. Considering the fact mentioned in the editorial that this kind of games require the most up-to-date computers, it is impossible for most people to own such a computer, since we all know that most up-to-date merchandises are acquirable to minority rich only. Thus, without considering that how much the limited requirement to hardware will impact the sales of video games, it is impossible to assess the strength of the editorial.
In conclusion, the editorial has poor reasoning and evidence. To bolster it the author must provide full and accurate survey of video-game players, and so do the reports both of the market-analysis and the advertise-plan.
[ 本帖最后由 hokuto8 于 2006-4-9 21:19 编辑 ] |
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发表于 2006-4-6 02:56:03
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