5T同主题写作第2期topic166_by undoerlc_欢迎拍砖

cpuliuwenUID: 2203373

There are many criteria to be consider(considered), many symbols to be censored, many eras to be pondered, when determine(determing) one's qualification(s) to be an adult. In my points of view, there are three events which significantly symbolize the eligibility: entering the college, getting a job and being married. The reasoning for my perspective goes as follows.

First of all, entering the college is one of (the) events symbolizing one's transition to be an adult. Adult(s) differs (differ)from children peculiarly in their own perspectives towards the world, the life, and the personal value. And these, in all likelihood, start to be formed when one enter(s) the college. It was not until the great Greek philosopher, Aristotle met his tutor Plato in the college, did he form his own perspective towards the world. Nowadays, this is more obvious. Statistics gathered by Shanghai Administration of Education (SAE) in 2004 show that among 500 questioners aging 30-35, 347 formed their own views in their college years.
However, being admitted by the college does not necessarily mean that one is an adult. Being hired, which marks the sense and the capacity of take(taking) self-responsibility and being financially independent, is a vital symbol of being an adult. Adults should at least take good care of themselves and what they do, as the laws in most countries stated, and working symbolize their commencement to acquire those. To illustrate this point, one should go no further to check the college graduates, who are more or less dependent on parents during their studies. However, they drastically change their roles by being independent after they start working. Questionnaires done by SAE also support my point by telling us that 434 questioners consider their most manifest transitions to adults should lie in working.
On a frequent basis, marriage is also an overwhelming sign to verify that one is an adult. Not only does marriage indicate one's determination to sustain the family, but also his (or her)strong dedication to the communities and the societies, as the family is one of the most vital ingredients of that. One of the greatest philosophers, Saint Confucius, says that--and I paraphrase--marriage makes a full man/woman. As a President, Theodore Roosevelt also appreciates(appreciated)his successful marriage which helps(helped) to lead him to his successful life eventually
In the end, in order to identify a difference between children and adults, there are many more events which need to be considered. In my perspective, entering the college, being hired and getting married are there of (the)most important events which make a person an adult.
用了这么多统计数据和例子，真是很佩服啊！
个人觉得文章的结构和语言都不错，就是语法错误多了点！呵呵，也请你多多指教啊！
http://www.gter.edu.cn/bbs/viewt ... type%26typeid%3D258

expire7UID: 2160574

说点意见。
１.例子很多，展开不够。ＴＳ过了基本就是例子。而具体的展开ＴＳ缺少了。你的例子的确用的很好，但是感觉缺少必要联系和ＴＳ（不是说没有联系）。
２.句式零乱。虽然显示出了控制语言的功底，但是好的文章。并不是句式越多越好。句式之间的过渡和搭配更重要。你的b2就是句式搭配比较差。基本同类型，而且没有长短结合。个人觉得就是ＡＷＥ这样也不是很好。

undoerlcUID: 194641

原帖由 cpuliuwen 于 2006-4-18 16:49 发表
There are many criteria to be consider(considered), many symbols to be censored, many eras to be pondered, when determine(determing) one's qualification(s) to be an adult. In my points of view, the ...

啊，好多错误，写好了读了2遍居然没发现，谢谢指出^^

undoerlcUID: 194641

原帖由 expire7 于 2006-4-18 16:57 发表
说点意见。
１.例子很多，展开不够。ＴＳ过了基本就是例子。而具体的展开ＴＳ缺少了。你的例子的确用的很好，但是感觉缺少必要联系和ＴＳ（不是说没有联系）。
２.句式零乱。虽然显示出了控制语言的功底，但是好 ...

指正的的确有理啊，1的确是一大问题啊，因为例子的语句很难在压缩下去而我又不想去掉，而又要保证TWE的字数防止考试来不及，所以论证少了很多，模式基本就是TS+阐述+例证，少了例证的分析，加强加强      2的确是这样，因为想用很多句式所以连接词发现太难加了，平时写文章是不太用恶心的句式的，个人也喜欢长短结合，更偏向短句，有些是被TWE给逼的:(   改正改正

[ 本帖最后由 undoerlc 于 2006-4-18 18:01 编辑 ]

expire7UID: 2160574

原帖由 undoerlc 于 2006-4-18 17:32 发表


指正的的确有理啊，1的确是一大问题啊，因为例子的语句很难在压缩下去而我又不想去掉，而又要保证TWE的字数防止考试来不及，所以论证少了很多，模式基本就是TS+阐述+例证，少了例证的分析，加强加强      2的 ...

个人觉得ETS的范文，无论AWE还是TWE都是长句比较少的。可能因为人家用的比较舒服，所以看起不觉得烦。这个还是要酸奶老大来作出权威说明了呵呵。

undoerlcUID: 194641

原帖由 cpuliuwen 于 2006-4-18 16:49 发表
There are many criteria to be consider(considered), many symbols to be censored, many eras to be pondered, when determine(determing) one's qualification(s) to be an adult. In my points of view, the ...

^^回拍了，不过你的语法错误太少了，语句也很好，我只能改这些了...

lyhcynthiaUID: 2178647

写得不错， 按照这个趋势发展下去 作文有望拿高分：） KANG  BA  DEI ! 加油！

undoerlcUID: 194641

To 小猪头MM: 谢谢斑斑鼓励~斑斑Visa加油~，努力努力，同期写作大家一起加油...
To 汉家儿郎:
因为我对于TWE的理解主要基于ETS的官方6分RATING:
Demonstrate clear competence in writing on both the rhetorical(A)--这次写了排比，名词列举（关于修辞的确应该再下下工夫，来研究下到底有哪些简单的修辞手法可以用于写作） and syntactic(B)--句式:就记住语法里面那些改正过的结构到时候无错误的用出即可 level, thought it may have occasional errors.
A paper in this category:
(1) effectively addressed the writing task--这个应该没什么问题
(2) is well organized and well developed--属于结构类，organization才用老美set of 3法则和比较常见的总分总，分之间逻辑不可分割原则，develop着重对于分段TS的论证（这点如你所说我的确没有做好对于例子再阐述的DEVELOP的工作），和TS之间对于主题句的支持结构
(3) uses clear appropriate details to support a thesis or illustrate ideas--这个应该做到了
(4) displays consistent facility in the use of language--语句一致性，这点也如你所说，我在句子与句子之间没有做好连接工作    consistent:此处理解主要有3个   1段落间的连贯 2句子间的连贯 3词语上的一致（就是说不要写着写着突然冒出个大词）
(5) demonstrate syntactic variety and appropriate word choice--这个应该做到了，句式变化--语法那些句式反正多背点下来吧，对语法和作文都有用，合适词的选择--只能靠不断积累同义词然后再注意同义词之间的意思上细微的差别太实现

[ 本帖最后由 undoerlc 于 2006-4-18 21:30 编辑 ]

nostrumUID: 2124189

lz,很抱歉，刚才刚刚改完出了点小差错， 没存了，现在是在实在睁不开眼了，明天重新改
不过你文章写得真的很好

undoerlcUID: 194641

mm要注意身体哦，1点多还不睡啊，不过谢谢啦~

nostrumUID: 2124189

There are many criteria to be consider, many symbols to be censored, many eras to be pondered, when determine one's qualification to be an adult.（我觉得楼主这个语序开头不太合适，因为前半句很长，但是可以用于任何问题，不直接，我建议这样改when it comes to the qualification  of an adult, there remains…… In my points of view, there are three events which significantly symbolize the eligibility: entering the college, getting a job and being married. The reasoning reasons for my perspective goes as follows.其实我觉得最后一句不用写，有点凑字数的感觉
First of all, entering the college is one of events symbolizing one's感觉one’s 不是正式的表达 transition to be an adult. Adult differs from children peculiarly in their own perspectives towards the world, the life, and the personal value. And these, in all likelihood, start to be formed when one enter the college. It was not until the great Greek philosopher, Aristotle met his tutor Plato in the college, 插入语这样写不好
It was not until Aristotle, the great Greek philosopher , met Plato in the college did hedid he form his own perspective towards the world. Nowadays, this is more obvious. Statistics gathered by Shanghai Administration of Education (SAE) in 2004 show that among 500 questioners aging 30-35, 347 formed their own views in their college years hoho~~~好~

However, being admitted by the college does not necessarily mean that one is an adult. Being hired, which marks the sense and the capacity of take self-responsibility and being financially independent, is a vital symbol of being an adult. Adults should at least take good care of themselves and what they do, as the laws in most countries stated, and working symbolize their commencement to acquire those. To illustrate this point, one should go no further to check the college graduates, who are more or less dependent on parents during their studies. However, they drastically change their roles by being independent after they start working. Questionnaires done by SAE also support my point by telling us that 434 questioners consider their most manifest transitions to adults should lie in working.

On a frequent basis, marriage is also an overwhelming sign to verify that one is an adult. Not only does marriage indicate one's determination to sustain the family, but also his strong dedication to the communities and the societies, as the family is one of the most vital ingredients of that. One of the greatest philosophers, Saint Confucius, sayssaid that--and I paraphrase--marriage makes a full man/woman. As a President, Theodore Roosevelt also appreciates his successful marriage which helps to lead him to his successful life eventually.

In the end, in order to identify a difference between children and adults, there are many more events which need to be considered. In my perspective, entering the college, being hired and getting married are there of most important events which make a person an adult.
结构很清晰，写得很好
缺点就是b1我觉得写得不流畅，主要是用词方面，下面两段就好多了

susan8940UID: 160449

写得不错啊！同意楼上的意见
9楼的总结给我满大启发：）
楼主继续加油！
我的，请楼主帮看看:
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

star166988UID: 2149482

however 用additionally 似乎更好些，主要是递进关系层层推进的，however,转折太强了。