issue141 ［加州阳光］第三次作业ＦＲＯＭ ７２８

728AWUID: 2216408

141、"Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity
恩，这次限时写的，但是是用了４７ＭＩＮ，字数也就５０２。质量上个人感觉还好，呵呵，就麻烦大家多多提意见了。下周我们小组就加量了，大家一起努力！！！
提纲：
1)单论INDIVIDUALITY,从独创性角度谈对经济成功的必要性.
2)从单论CONFORMITY,从与CO-WORKER合作的角度谈对经济成功的必要性.还有CONFORMITY也可以理解为根据前人的经验来适当调整自己的方案和决策.
3)总论以上二者对经济成功来说是缺一不可的必要因素.


Economic success is the goal that most people in contemporary society chased, but the matter is that whether individuality or conformity can drive to the success of profits. It is a complex debate and therefore I will show both of the two aspects of it with following argument and examples.
To begin with, form my personal view, individuality is another way of saying creativity and differentiation which are both the vital points in running of a company. Nowadays, there is a trend that we tend to say what others already told us, behave like what others already do. In the copying to others, even we thought they are so bright that we want to lead a life like them, we lose ourselves. From an example, we will see that no one will achieve success in his/her own field, no speaking of economic success, by totally behave what others already do. The CEO Ma of Aliabad starts his own business with his unique set of mode and therefore he finally come his dream into reality. Now Aliabad is one of the largest on-line markets in the world and there are more than 220 countries and more than 3000 ordering message each day. Instead of simply conform what the mostly business men’s already-done enterprise, Ma create his own style according to his own company and the current market trend in the society, which makes him different from his competitors. With respect to the original mode of running the on-line market, the CEO of Aliabad is propelled into leadership positions in his industries.
However, individuality does not necessarily mean against conformity. Here conformity, I would paraphrase, if necessary, into cooperation, especially cooperation with the co-workers who is in the same boat of one's team. Only can one realize what one's role in a whole party can he do the right thing as his duty to contribute to the economic success of one's party. Moreover, not only one must learn his responsibility in the team but also one need to learn how to regulate one's steps according to the co-workers so that he and his co-worker can intertwine into a organic whole which will lead to the economic success to himself and others. Furthermore, conformity can also be explained as to conform to the others who do the right thing. Common sense showed us that although all roads lead to Roma, but there certainly has way which is the shortest compared with others. To save time and the cost is the first key to economic success. What sage people do is to set their own styles to achieve the goal and modify a few of the blemish according to the formers which means conformity.
To sum up, the economic success can not come true with either of the two points discussed above. The winners are the people who have the attributes that both individual critic thinking and the conformity not only to the peers of theirs but also to the formers’ experience ahead of their time.

stone_lueUID: 2154056

Economic success is the goal that most people in contemporary society chased (chase), but the matter is that whether individuality or conformity can drive to the success of profits.（感觉不是很好，可以试试别的说法） It is a complex debate and therefore I will show both of the two aspects of it with following argument and examples.
To begin with, form (from) my personal view, individuality is another way of saying creativity and differentiation which are both the vital points in running of a company. Nowadays, there is a trend that we tend to say what others already told us, behave like what others already do. In the copying to others, even we thought they are so bright that we want to lead a life like them, we lose ourselves. From an example, we will see that no one will achieve success in his/her own field, no speaking of economic success, by totally behave what others already do. The CEO Ma of Aliabad starts his own business with his unique set of mode and therefore he finally come his dream into reality. Now Aliabad is one of the largest on-line markets in the world and there are more than 220 countries and more than 3000 ordering message each day. Instead of simply conform what the mostly business men’s already-done enterprise, Ma create his own style according to his own company and the current market trend in the society, which makes him different from his competitors. With respect to the original mode of running the on-line market, the CEO of Aliabad is propelled into leadership positions in his industries.
However, individuality does not necessarily mean against conformity. Here conformity, I would paraphrase, if necessary, into cooperation, especially cooperation with the co-workers who is in the same boat of one's team. Only can one realize what one's role in a whole party can he (he can) do the right thing as his duty to contribute to the economic success of one's party. Moreover, not only one must (must one) learn his responsibility in the team but also one need to learn how to regulate one's steps according to the co-workers so that he and his co-worker can intertwine（什么意思） into a organic whole which will lead to the economic success to himself and others. Furthermore, conformity can also be explained as to conform to the others who do the right thing. Common sense showed us that although all roads lead to Roma, but there certainly has way which is the shortest compared with others.（比喻很恰当） To save time and the cost is the first key to economic success. What sage people do is to set their own styles to achieve the goal and modify a few of the blemish according to the formers which means conformity.
To sum up, the economic success can not come true with either of the two points discussed above. The winners are the people who have the attributes that both individual critic thinking and the conformity not only to the peers of theirs but also to the formers’ experience ahead of their time.
在论述individuality时例子举得不错，但例子前的论述的不是很清晰
conformity写的还是很不错的

benniUID: 2166321

占座，最近一定改！

这两天发烧了，抱歉啦

Economic success is the goal that most people in contemporary society chased, but the matter is that whether individuality or conformity can drive to the success of profits. It is a complex debate and therefore I will show both of the two aspects of it with following argument（arguements） and examples.（感觉开头有点乱,个人感觉开头最重要的两件事是问题重述和个人观点，你没说清个人的观点）

To begin with, form my personal view, individuality is another way of saying creativity and differentiation（individuality, in a sense, amounts to creativity and differentiation） which are both the vital points in running of a company. Nowadays, there is a trend that we tend to say what others already told us, behave like what others already do.(这句看着有点儿别扭，你是想表达“想他人所想为他人所为”，那能不能直接说potentially tend to mimic others’ thought and behavior，仅供参考) In(through是不是好一点) the copying to others, even we thought they are so bright（这词太oral了，既然要写economic success，不如直接用successful） that we want to lead a life like them, we lose ourselves. From an example, we will see that no one will achieve success in his/her own field, no speaking of economic success, by totally behave what others already do. （你说下一个例子可以看出“纯粹的模仿是不会成功的”，可你举的例子只能说明“individuality有助于成功”，这是两个概念）The CEO Ma of Aliabad starts(started) his own business with his unique set of mode and therefore he finally come(came,例子里的动词都应该用过去式或者完成式吧？不确定) his dream into reality. Now Aliabad is one of the largest on-line markets in the world and there are more than 220 countries and more than 3000 ordering message each day. Instead of simply conform what the mostly business men’s already-done enterprise, Ma create his own style according to his own company and the current market trend in the society, which makes him different from his competitors. With respect to the original mode of running the on-line market, the CEO of Aliabad is propelled into leadership positions in his industries.

However, individuality does not necessarily mean against conformity. Here conformity, I would paraphrase, if necessary, into cooperation, especially cooperation with the co-workers who is in the same boat of one's team. Only can one realize what one's role in a whole party can he do the right thing as his duty to contribute to the economic success of one's party. Moreover, not only one must learn his responsibility in the team but also one need to learn how to regulate one's steps according to the co-workers so that he and his co-worker can intertwine into a organic whole which will lead to the economic success to himself and others. Furthermore, conformity can also be explained as to conform to the others who do the right thing. Common sense showed us that although all roads lead to Roma, but（although…but） there certainly has(must be a) way which is the shortest compared with others. To save time and the cost is the first key to economic success. What sage people do is to set their own styles to achieve the goal and modify a few of the blemish according to the formers which means conformity.

To sum up, the economic success can not come true with either of the two points discussed above.(这句话说绝对了，might not ... purly with可能好一点儿) The winners are the people who have the attributes that both individual critic thinking and the conformity not only to the peers of theirs but also to the formers’ experience ahead of their time.


先谢谢楼主夸我的烂作啦！

我限时写出来的跟你完全不是一等级，要经过之后加工才能见人，你很强了！



第二段最好举个稍具体点的例子，假设一个也行。

语法挺过关的，有的表达有点绕，比如有的从句其实挺没必要的，不如换成简单句，或者后置定语。

结论段的主题句最后用立论的形式，比较一目了然。

个人意见，仅供参考，欢迎qq交流~

[ 本帖最后由 benni 于 2006-6-18 13:10 编辑 ]

joey.liuUID: 2207101

Economic success is the goal that most people in contemporary society chased, but the matter is that whether individuality or conformity can drive to the success of profits. It is a complex debate and therefore I will show both of the two aspects of it with following argument and examples.

To begin with, form my personal view, individuality is another way of saying creativity and differentiation which are both(both are?) the vital points in running of a company. Nowadays, there is a trend that we tend to say what others already told us, behave like what others already do. In the copying to others, even we thought they are so bright that we want to lead a life like them, we lose ourselves. From an example, we will see that no one will achieve success in his/her own field, no speaking of economic success, by totally behave what others already do(did). The CEO Ma of Aliabad starts his own business with his unique set of mode and therefore he finally come his dream into reality. Now Aliabad is one of the largest on-line markets in the world and there are more than 220 countries and more than 3000 ordering message each day. Instead of simply conform what the mostly business men’s already-done enterprise, Ma create his own style according to his own company and the current market trend in the society, which makes him different from his competitors. With respect to the original mode of running the on-line market, the CEO of Aliabad is propelled into leadership positions in his industries.(例子不错，前面论证有些松散)
However, individuality does not necessarily mean against conformity. Here conformity, I would paraphrase, if necessary, into cooperation, especially cooperation with the co-workers who is in the same boat of one's team. Only can one realize what one's role in a whole party can he do the right thing as his duty to contribute to the economic success of one's party. Moreover, not only one must learn his responsibility in the team but also one need to learn how to regulate one's steps according to the co-workers so that he and his co-worker can intertwine into a organic whole which will lead to the economic success to himself and others.（最好有例证，否则说服力不强）

Furthermore, conformity can also be explained as to conform to the others who do the right thing. Common sense showed us that although all roads lead to Roma(Rome), but there certainly has way which is the shortest compared with others. To save time and the cost is the first key to economic success. What sage people do is to set their own styles to achieve the goal and modify a few of the blemish according to the formers which means conformity.

To sum up, the economic success can not come true with either of the two points discussed above. The winners are the people who have the attributes that both individual critic thinking and the conformity not only to the peers of theirs but also to the formers’ experience ahead of their time.

楼主思路不错，但后两段缺乏例证支持，需要这方面的训练，我也有这方面的不足。
不过，我很佩服楼主能用这么短的时间写出如此不错的文章，我在时间上很难限时，不知楼主有什么经验可以介绍一下啊？ 多谢！

expire7UID: 2160574

141、"Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity
恩，这次限时写的，但是是用了４７ＭＩＮ，字数也就５０２。质量上个人感觉还好，呵呵，就麻烦大家多多提意见了。下周我们小组就加量了，大家一起努力！！！
提纲：
1)单论INDIVIDUALITY,从独创性角度谈对经济成功的必要性.
2)从单论CONFORMITY,从与CO-WORKER合作的角度谈对经济成功的必要性.还有CONFORMITY也可以理解为根据前人的经验来适当调整自己的方案和决策.
3)总论以上二者对经济成功来说是缺一不可的必要因素.


Economic success is the goal that most people in contemporary society chased（没有必要的从句，写得不好。……the goal chased by most people in…….）, but the matter is that whether individuality or conformity can drive to the success of profits(不懂，意思不明确). It is a complex debate and therefore I will show both of the two aspects of it with following argument and examples.（基本观点摆出来了，不过开头段不好，生硬不流畅，不吸引人）

To begin with, form（from作文贴上来之前自己一定要先检查一下语法错误滴） my personal view, individuality is another way（another??那前一个是什么呢？） of saying creativity and differentiation which are both the vital points in running of（of是不是该去掉？） a company. Nowadays, there is a trend that we tend to say what others already told us, behave like what others already do（不是排比噢，那要有and.）. In the copying to others, even we thought they are so bright that we want to lead a life like them, we lose ourselves. From an example, we will see that no one will achieve success in his/her（没有必要用这种） own field, no speaking of economic success, by totally behave what others already do. The CEO Ma of Aliabad starts his own business with his unique set of mode and therefore he finally come his dream into reality. Now Aliabad is one of the largest on-line markets in the world and there are more than 220 countries and more than 3000 ordering message each day. Instead of simply conform（conforming） what the mostly business men’s already-done enterprise, Ma create his own style according to his own company and the current market trend in the society, which makes him different from his competitors. With respect to the original mode of running the on-line market, the CEO of Aliabad is propelled into leadership positions in his industries.(题目individuality是个人不是指个性的。这里是个人和团体的比较类型。这一段偏了。)

However, individuality does not necessarily mean against conformity.（这一句承上启下的功能太差了） Here conformity, I would paraphrase, if necessary, into cooperation, especially cooperation with the co-workers who is in the same boat（国外有这种用法没有？没有最好不要用） of one's team. Only can one realize what one's role in a whole party can he（这里不能倒装了吧） do the right thing as his duty to contribute to the economic success of one's party. Moreover, not only one must learn his responsibility in the team but also one need to learn how to regulate one's steps according to the co-workers so that he and his co-worker can intertwine into a organic whole which will lead to the economic success to himself and others. Furthermore, conformity can also be explained as to conform to the others who do the right thing. Common sense showed us that although all roads lead to Roma, but there certainly has way which is the shortest compared with others. To save time and the cost is the first key to economic success. What sage people do is to set their own styles to achieve the goal and modify a few of the blemish according to the formers which means conformity.（不是很紧密联系topic。）

To sum up, the economic success can not （be）come true with either of the two points discussed above. The winners are the people who have the attributes that both individual critic thinking and the conformity not only to the peers of theirs but also to the formers’ experience ahead of their time.（这句句式不平衡阿）

Y头这是你的第几篇？
一开始不要限时，写半个月再说吧。这样每次写得时候注意TS，注意句式变化和丰富用词。你的结构还不是很好，首先解决这个问题。句式和词现在都是其次。
拍的比较狠，语法也不是都看出来的，我不擅长语法。加油哦。