camping writing by gamy, aim 25

gamyUID: 2748678

再一次作文贴
努力，学习，进步！
1月22  目标25
加油！

gamyUID: 2748678

1.06 独立 and 综合

水平已经降低到史前 …………
加油努力！
谢谢修改的同学！

gamyUID: 2748678

1.07 综合+独立
2010年1月7日 周五：
09.2.21CN
Do you agree with the following statement? Newspapers and magzines are the best way of learning about a foreign country.

综合： TPO19

gamyUID: 2748678

10.1.30

Physical exercises are more important for older people than for younger people.

综合： TPO1

fengyanhongUID: 2941762

When you want to learn a foreign country which you no(know) nothing about it(去掉it前面有which了) before, what approaches will you choose? Newspapers and magazines? Internet or television? Or just take a travel to make a sensitive impression? People`s opinions are greatly divergent on this controversial issue, nevertheless, some people, especially those older ones will choose newspapers and magazines as their priority. While others, like me, hold a definitely opposite attitude, insisting that although magazines and newspapers are useful methods of learning a foreign country, however,（前面有了although后面就该没有however了） they can never be the best strategy. Among the countless reasons and instances that support my viewpoint, I will list the most essential and comprehensive ones as following.
The first plain truth is that the information on magazines and newspapers are not enough for a stranger to totally understand a foreign country. There is no deny（denying） that some newspapers and magazines always never fail to offer enormous internal and external news, various kinds of policies and even people`s daily stories, certainly ,all of which are helpful to learn some obvious phenomenon of the country, but those are not enough. Without seeing and touching by oneself, （overwhelming majority of the truth 这句啥意思啊？压倒性的真理？建议用下google斟酌用词。我想到pervasive ideology，但也不一定对）and special situations can not be utterly（鸡蛋里挑个骨头，utter似乎用在不好的词前面如utterly miserable朗文上写的，fully更合适表达完全的understand了什么，或者完全了解了什么information） acknowledged. Just take the landscapes for example, though the beauty and striking can be described literally by magazines and newspapers, （other than watching and feeling by their own eyes and hands后面这句提到前面做插入语吧）one can never have a sensitive impression  
Furthermore, information from magazines and newspapers are not absolutely objective. All the news on magazines and newspapers are firstly edited by the authors and the editors, and the viewpoints are from their prospective which will be inevitably influenced by individuals` personal thought and experiences. As a consequence, the information readers receive will more or less lose their significance. As far as I am concerned, when I anticipated to visit Japan as my first foreign travel, I read numerous of magazines and newspapers about the custom and scene points of Tokyo , with the aim of understanding the country comprehensively. But it turned out a absolutely different situation, which made me considerably confused.（我觉得你这观点说的很清楚的！例子也佐证的蛮贴切）
Last but not the least, more strategies other than magazines and newspapers, namely televisions and internet, lead a more profoundly positive influence on people`s recognization of a foreign country. With the ever-accelerated development of science and technology, new implements and medias（media 是复数 medium是单数） emerge as super methods to transport information. Vivid motion and colorful pictures always convey more detailed and accurate information than magazines and newspapers, which will leave more impressive and long-lasting memory on people. If one can not reach the foreign country by themselves, undoubtedly, learn the country through television and internet will never fail to be a more intelligent and useful method than newspapers and magazines.
As a conclusion, in order to understand a country entirely, one can not value newspapers and magazines as the most importance approaches. Taking a visit and learning form television and internet can benefit not only accuracy but also impression,（可能是我读的文章少，只见过benefit当动词后面加指人或物的名词。如果你很确定这是对的，不用理会我。如果不确定，建议还是改成have the benefit of sth） and we can never emphasize the importance of these two manners too much.               

很惊讶的发现我们两个的思路好相似啊！握手
感觉你的词汇量很大的，是不是经历过GRE写作的洗礼啊。而且用词重复少。语句也通顺。只是建议在词语的选择上，写完之后查查google或者美国人词语搭配的字典。有很多搭配觉得是“创作”出来的。当然也许是我知识面窄，尚不知道这些搭配。有则改之无则加勉。一起努力。

generalidUID: 2824377

4# gamy

实话实说，这篇作文的题目出得不好，但是既然出了，那就硬着头皮写了。

你的立意也许还需要斟酌一下， 题目问的是，体育对老头子的重要性比年轻人大（哪个重要）；你的立意是，老头子和年轻人一样需要体育（都需要，但是没有指明重要性）。 从这点来说，你跑题了。 推荐你可以这么写， 我不同意题目观点，我认为体育对老头子和年轻人一样重要。
论据就写
1） 老头子和年轻人都是肉体做的，因此从生理结构上讲，都要锻炼身体；
2） 你文中的论证，年轻人需要锻炼身体
3） 你文中的论证，老头子需要锻炼身体

你的优点是：
1） 你这篇文章和上一篇 熟悉一个国家用报纸或者杂志呢？  第一段结构是一致的，说明你的开头有你自己的风格
2）论据结构不错

你的缺点：
1） 综上所述，立意需要再斟酌
2） 论证尽量再加一段话，成3点就更好了

冬咚宝UID: 2956480

2011年1月8号独立
With the ever-accelerated development of science and technology, people`s  the living standards are profoundly improved, as a consequence, increasingly individuals focus on the significance of physical exercises. Are physical exercises more essential for the older than for the younger? People`s opinions are greatly divergent on such a controversial issue. The overwhelming majority believe that the younger should emphasize the more importance of exercises than the older, while others hold a definitely opposite attitude. From my point of view, physical exercise are necessary for all the people, no matter he or she is old or young.
For the young, physical exercises are essential for a healthy body which is the fundamental element for every person and young period is the
a
critical state to format
form
a healthy body. Almost all the students in China take PE classes from the primerprimary school. Besides, various broadcast exercises are taught with aim of improving the younger`s health. Doing physical exercises benefit the younger not only the healthy body but also the social skills. Taking part in group exercises, such as football, basketball and so on, can remarkably improve the younger`s communicate communicatingskills as well as the team spirit and sense of achievement, which will lead to considerably positive influence on the job hunting and future career. During the practices, one can also make friends with the team members who have the same hobbies and will be undoubtedly helpful when he or she come into difficulties. As far as I am concerned, in order to improve my healthy condition, I joined the school women football team, and I acquired health due to the physical exercises, more importantly, I had more than twenty friends who always encouraged me when I was down and helped me out when I was in troubles.
For the older, physical exercises are also essential. The troublesome healthy situation makes it necessary for old people to take physical exercises. Take my grandmother for example, she plays taiji every morning for more than twenty years and enjoys a better health than other contemporaries. There is so much time for the older to consume that doing physical exercises, nonetheless, is a practical and economic method to engage. Besides, so great is our passion to success in this competitive society that less time is left to take care of the older, certainly, doing physical exercises together never fails to be a safer and wiser strategy for the older. It is common to found that scores of exercise implements are established in communities and many old people are doing exercises on them and chatting with each other at the same time.
Actually, physical exercises are fundamental rather than detrimental to everyone in today society, regardless he or she is young or old. Exercises can benefit us not only the good healthyhealth but also the spiritual acquirements.   We should never emphasize the importance of exercise too much.  ?



整篇文章语句都比较通顺，思路也还可以，但总觉得少了点什么，我又说不上来，不好意思。

gamyUID: 2748678

5# fengyanhong
谢谢修改~
恩呢~看了你的也觉得～
我词汇量不行的，是为了写作文积累的这些常用的，关于那些搭配，基本是看过的，有的稍微加以修改，可能改的不像样子的了……
写作文现在没限时，下周开始要限时
共同努力！~
加油～

gamyUID: 2748678

6# generalid
谢谢谢你详细的评定！
我都没意识到自己跑题了……应该把不同意文章的观点作为主题，把二者都需要锻炼作为论点之一，与后面分开写并列，谢谢！
第一段我觉得自己有些模板了，包括两段后面本来也是有个架构，我觉得这样不好，在试着打破，但是第一段好像一些就成那样……

关于思路，我本来没有把论据写出来的习惯，发现有时候写着自己就忘记了自己相好的论点，所以以后都要好好列出来

谢谢！

juliagoUID: 2912431

楼主, 你1，10的作业呢?

gamyUID: 2748678

10# juliago
昨天没看到题目写了别的，今天写了一半写不下去了……会补上……

gamyUID: 2748678

几次有写不下去的冲动…………

状态…………

fengyanhongUID: 2941762

抱歉之前忙于考试今天才来改你8号的独立
With the ever-accelerated development of science and technology, people`s  the living standards are profoundly improved, as a consequence, increasingly（前面副词不能修饰后面的名词） individuals focus on the significance of physical exercises. Are physical exercises more essential for the older than for the younger? People`s opinions are greatly divergent on such a controversial issue. The overwhelming majority believe that the younger should emphasize the more importance of exercises than the older, while others hold a definitely opposite attitude. From my point of view, physical exercise are necessary for all the people, no matter he or she is old or young.
For the young, physical exercises are essential for a healthy body which is the fundamental element for every person and young period is the critical state to format（这个词是编排格式化的意思吧） a healthy body. Almost all the students in China take PE classes from the primer school. Besides, various broadcast exercises are taught with aim of improving the younger`s health. Doing physical exercises benefit the younger not only the healthy body but also the social skills. Taking part in group exercises, such as football, basketball and so on, can remarkably improve the younger`s communicate skills as well as the team spirit and sense of achievement, （觉得improve skill讲的通 但后面的spirit和sense of achievement 就有点牵强了。Foster spirit 和gain a sense of achievement）which will lead to considerably positive influence on （去掉lead to 变为have influence on 是固定搭配）the job hunting and future career. During the practices, one can also make friends with the team members who have the same hobbies and will be undoubtedly helpful when he or she come into difficulties. As far as I am concerned, in order to improve my healthy condition, I joined the school women football team, and I acquired health due to the physical exercises, more importantly, I had more than twenty friends who always encouraged me when I was down and helped me out when I was in troubles.
For the older, physical exercises are also essential. The troublesome healthy situation makes it necessary for old people to take physical exercises. Take my grandmother for example, she plays taiji every morning for more than twenty years and enjoys a better health than other contemporaries. There is so much time for the older to consume（through） doing physical exercises, nonetheless, （it）is a practical and economic method（activity） to engage（to be engaged in）. Besides, so great is our passion to success in this competitive society that less time is left to take care of the older, certainly, doing physical exercises together never fails to be a safer and wiser strategy for the older. It is common to found that scores of exercise implements are established in communities and many old people are doing exercises on them and chatting with each other at the same time.
Actually, physical exercises are fundamental rather than detrimental to everyone in today society, regardless he or she is young or old. Exercises can benefit us not only the good healthy but also the spiritual acquirements.   We should never emphasize the importance of exercise too much.  
结构层次很清晰，建议加一个结尾进行总结，哪怕只有一句话

juliagoUID: 2912431

改好了！
1/11

When you come into some complicated situation which you can not（cannot中间怎么会有空格?） deal with by yourself, whose advice will you adopt to conquer the difficulties, the older people like parents and teachers or the people at your age？ When it refers to this controversial issue, people`s opinions are greatly divergent, the overwhelming majority will turn to their parents or teachers who are older than them for help, while others believe that advice from contemporaries is more valuable. From my point of view, if I am in need of help, I will definitely intend to pursue （pursue 没这意思吧,表求助于用resort to就行，或parents are the best resort in trouble）suggestion from the older. Among the countless facts and instances that support my viewpoints, I will list the most comprehensive and conspicuous ones here.（我认为你的开头好冗长，难道是为了凑字数?）

The first plain truth which is always on top of the list of my viewpoints is that the older experience more than us, as a consequence, the advice will be more suitable and valuable. There is no denying that the older people`s experiences which always lead to significantly positive influence on the opinions are far more than us（这句话也太纠结了吧，你想表达什么?）, nonetheless（为什么要转折呢?这里应该用 hence/therefore表因此啊）, they can understand the situation better for some of which they might have experienced their own. Consequentially, they will always never fail to give more appropriate advice which will significantly（用了一次了, quite/ extremly） helpful to us. As far as I am concerned,（这不太通吧， “就我看来， 当有次我怎么时“其实你可以说take me as an example）, once I was confused by the attitude of my team leader who always said some unclear words and never pinpoints the problem , and I was really worried about the situation. When I told this to my father and asked for his opinion, my father told me to have a talk with the team leader and solved the problem at the leader`s face. I did as what my father advised and it turned out to be totally right. The reason why the leader said  the words was that she was down that day（这句话什么意思？你这个的例子不好懂啊） and she really appreciated that I noticed her bad situation（到底是她心情不好, 还是你们team 工作遇到瓶颈了?） and helped her out. Thanks to my father`s advice that I acquired the leader`s friendship from the event（还要提到你遇到的问题得到了解决）.

Furthermore, another evidence that support my statement is that the older people know us well. It is universally acknowledged that the person who know you best will be your parents, for they are always the person who care you most and live with you longest. Since they know you well , when you are in some anxious situation that you cannot make accurate decision and they will give you more valuable advice than anyone else. That`s another reason why I turn to my parents for advice when I cannot make a decision by myself.（恩,这个观点瞒好懂的!）

Last but not least（听说很中式.）， the advice from the older can more likely be adopted than that from the same age people, for we always respect them and more willing to believe them. Statistical report from a research institute demonstrated that the same advice, which would be accepted by 85 percent of people if it was given by the older compared to 15 percent from the same age. More people are willing to accept the advice from the older, no one can deny the truth behind the numbers.

In conclusion, though some one may still unconceived（好像很少用这个词来表示不能接受吧inacceptable怎么样？） , the reasons I have analyzed will at lest（least） make them more aware of the various dimensions of the issue under discussion. The advice from the older are always more valuable than that from contemporaries（用了一次了, 再用peer）.

gamyUID: 2748678

抢到考位，认真准备
1.22
谢谢修改的同学~