Argument117 交同主题作业 请砸砖!!! 留链接,互拍互拍!!

Chloroplast923UID：207486

题目:
more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

提纲:
1.首段
2.质疑这个调查谁做的,可信度如何,覆盖范围
3.作者没表明这个调查的详细数据,具体需求与现有存货的关系,以后发展趋势
4.有市场不一定会盈利很多,还有很多要考虑的因素
5.总结

正文:

    The argument above is well-presented, but not well-reasoned. In this argument, the arguer makes a suggestion that in order to make office-supply departments the most profitable component of the stores, we should increase at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines and supplies based on a recent survey. At a glance, this suggestion seems reasonable, but after careful considering, we can find lots of logical flaws in the arguer's demonstration.

    Firstly, this argument doesn't show us any data of this survey, which is the basic grounds of the arthor's conclusion. By reading this memo, we don't know who did this survey. Is it did by some professional companies, Or by some individuals? So we don't know whether this survey is reliable. Even it is reliable, We are not clear with the confine this survey covers. Is it only ture to some small groups? If the answer of the question above is yes, we can not consider that there are much need for the home office machines and supplies.

    Secondly, even this survey is reliable and covers a large confine, this argument doesn't shows us the exact data of the need of home office machines and supplies. How much home office machines and supplies do the potential consumers who are mention in the survey need now? Is our stock of this material much less than the amount consumers need? The people need to bring more jobs home may have already buy the home office machines they need, and the supplies doesn't be used up quickly, so the need of these materials now may not be large. Even the need is large now, this argument still doesn't shows us what's the trend of this need going to? Will this need be satisfied soon but no more potential consumers appear? This situation may lead to a overstock of our goods, which is absolutely not good for profit.

    Additionally, where there is a market doesn't equal to there are benefits. Even the market exists, we still need to consider a lot of other factors, such as the profit rate of this bussiness, the competition in this field, the foreground of it, and so on.

    In a word, it is too hastily and too arbitrarily for the arguer to draw this conlusion. First, the arguer should assure us this survey. Then he or she should state more data about the survey, which enable us to judge it. At last, he or she should point out more logic relations between the conclusion and the supportments.

[ Last edited by Chloroplast923 on 2005-7-29 at 14:37 ]

azleaUID：192456

The argument above is well-presented, but not well-reasoned. In this argument, the arguer makes a suggestion that in order to make office-supply departments the most profitable component of the stores, we should increase at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines and supplies based on a recent survey. At a glance, this suggestion seems reasonable, but after careful considering, we can find lots of logical flaws in the arguer's demonstration.

    Firstly, this argument doesn't好像是说最好不要在文章里出现这类缩写 show us any data of this survey, which is the basic grounds of the arthor's conclusion. By reading this memo, we don't know who did this survey. Is it didconducted by some professional companies, or by some individuals?是不是因该说明一下两者有什么区别，和对于你的论点有什么证明作用 So we don't know whether this survey is reliable. Even it is reliable如果survey只cover了some small groups是不是也算不可信呀？, We are not clear with the confine this survey covers. Is it only ture to some small groups? If the answer of the question above is yesif it is the case, we can not consider这个词好像不太顺 that there are much need for the home office machines and supplies.感觉似乎可以使用更多复杂一点的句子，还有词汇，上面用紫色写的是我觉得可以供参考的一些

    Secondly, even this survey is reliable and covers a large confine, this argument doesn't shows语法错误，自己应该先改一下 us the exact data of the need of home office machines and supplies. How much home office machines and supplies do the potential consumers who are mention in the survey need now? Is our stock of this material much less than the amount consumers need? The people need to bring more jobs home may have already buy the home office machines they need, and the supplies doesn't be used up quickly, so the need of these materials now may not be large. Even the need is large now, this argument still doesn't shows us what's the trend of this need going to? Will this need be satisfied soon but no more potential consumers appear? This situationthis指的是哪一个呢？ may lead to a overstock of our goods, which is absolutely not good for profit.这段的观点很好，接连的问句也很有气势，但是语言要适当的有点多样性

    Additionally, where这个where加在这里是啥用呀？这个我不懂 there is a market doesn't equal to there are benefits. Even the market exists, we still need to consider a lot of other factors, such as the profit rate收益率？解释一下吧 of this bussiness, the competition in this field, the foreground of it, and so on.

    In a word, it is too hastily and too arbitrarily for the arguer to draw this conlusion. First, the arguer should assure us this survey. Then he or she should state more data about the survey, which enable us to judge it. At last, he or she should point out more logic relations between the conclusion and the supportments.

总体而言，我觉得你的逻辑还是不错，但正文第三段还需要加强。
语言上的问题，不是一天两天能够修炼的，我现在也正为这个事情发愁，不过要加油呀。

azleaUID：192456

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=307935
这是我的，多多指教亚

Chloroplast923UID：207486

路过的来拍一下吧~
肯定回拍的!~

就算提提思路的建议也好啊~
自己感觉好多表达都不对~