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10# candis712
Thanks to technology, children's live are improved dramatically. Some people criticize that convenient live bring negative influence to children’ creativity. However, I do not agree with them, since technology provides children three fundamental elements contributing to creativity, including improved level of IQ, sufficient background knowledge and the desire of origin.这样一来后面的结构很清楚了
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4 Q* W+ M3 A5 E" Z7 P2 y6 K/ h' dTo begin with, technology offers children an increasing number of opportunities to improve their IQ, which is the basic resource of creativity. Two to ten years old is a key stage of developing IQ, while in the past, many children spent these period of time playing for merely fun. Fortunately, with help of technology, various tools aiming at encourage IQ development have been invented, such as electronic puzzle game and learning machines. These study facilities contain colorful images and attractive questions, children trend to be more willing to practice mind and analytical thinking, since technology endows this tedious process with lots of interest. The more popular and available these tools are, the higher level of average IQ of normal kids will be. 这一段写提高智商好像太直白了一点,可以写扩展知识面之类的。因为智商高不一定创造力强。
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Furthermore, children as teenagers are able to utilize high technical equipments to accumulate more background knowledge, thus they could get preparation for making innovation. In order to create something original, the first essential step is to find what is already exist, and technology perfectly fills this gap. 这句话是点睛之笔啊,写得很好~~~Take the Internet for example. Young people could find countless useful information about any field through the Internet conveniently, as a result, they are able to access to professional knowledge and contact the latest academic idea. 这里举例可以稍微具体一点,到底是什么样的knowledge和academic idea ? To (by)contrast, during the old times without these equipments, a child hardly has chance to get touch with so much sufficient knowledge frequently. 6 D8 N; ?% j% d& d! p
; Y' K4 r9 d8 U4 I, m9 qFinally, the era of technology is a totally new world full of interesting and unexpected skills, which are beneficial to inspire children's desire to create. Nowadays, children are enjoying the golden ago (age?) of producing creative movements, the technology changes the world to a more surprising one than in the past. Meanwhile, their ignorant (ce) to the world leads to endless imputes of curiosity. Due to the two factors, intrinsic and extrinsic, children would become more eager to put their own imagination into truth. When children enjoy the fun of modern technique, they can not help themselves
to ask (asking)can’t help doing 情不自禁where this magic power comes from. Once a child has enough interest,
若要倒装去逗号could he or she be brave enough to do it under current free atmosphere.
这段好像论证不是很充分,为什么高科技就能带给孩子动力区创造呢?我还觉得高科技使得孩子变懒了呢,都已经舒舒服服地享受高科技带来的便捷了,凭啥还要不辞辛劳地去创造呢?我理解你的原意是被高科技激将了,所以发愤图强创造了,但是你举例论证可能还要再想想,你说呢?
To sum up, the principle of the technical time is you can do more beyond your imagination. Influenced by this idea, any child(children)any表任何时,后加可数名词复数或不可数名词 who has(have) eager to create ,is(are) encouraged to make the first step to invent, since they have already had abandon preparation of the accumulated knowledge and improved level of IQ.这个长句建议还是不要放在末段,一句一句写得清楚更好。
说一点点我自己的小意见,本人水准也不是很高。。。望见谅。。。首先你语法问题比较明显,要好好注意啦。。。其次我感觉你这篇文章的三个论点是一个平面的,就是说你其实三个论点都可以归结成一个就是高科技的信息量的优势,那其他方面呢?哪里还可以帮助孩子更具有创造力呢?而且有些分论点与总论点联系不强,比如第一个。
不过还是有很多值得我学习的地方,比如第二个论点我很喜欢。
一起加油吧。。。 |
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