[每日一评] Argument15 By AdelineShen -- TS句要直接拿出逻辑错误

irvine666UID: 2575525

本期的每日一评来自AdelineShen童鞋的一篇argument,原文在此:
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1056741&highlight

TOPIC: ARGUMENT15 - The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.
"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol, the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock in this company."

In this argument the author argues that Old Dairy stockholders should sell their shares and other investors should not purchase stock in this company since the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly. However, this argument suffers from several critical flaws and is therefore unpersuasive at all.

The threshold problem is that the survey which indicated that over 80 percent of the respondents were desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol does not mean that people will reduce their demand in the food products in Old Dairy.（你的TS句写的太太太长了,你是需要读者自己从这么长的信息中“感悟”你到底要批什么逻辑错误嘛...第一句TS不要restate。给你个例子，TS直接改成：“The threshold problem is that a general desire in a survey could hardly indicate respondents' attitude toward a certain product. ” 然后接下来才开始往文章套，解释你这个逻辑错误来自什么推理：“People might prefer to get rid of other kinds of food products  rather than of those made by Old Dairy to reduce fats and cholesterol because of special usage or personal preference.（这两个是我专门看了下文给你归纳的，你下文的两个方面刚好对应special usage和personal preference） So, the importance of the product to the daily lives of people should also be considered. For example...”） There are some foods which are so important to the health of human beings that even though they contain high fat, people are still love to take them because of their rich nutrition.（这句推论需要有例子或者符合常理的知识来支持，否则无法立足,只能成为一个假设（Hypothesis），反正我是想不到什么东西又肥又不可缺少的...尤其是你用的human beings泛指...） On the other hand, many people cannot(How do u know? Any "general" evidence? Be objective in your analyse) control themselves when they meet delicious food. They might still choose to enjoy the food despite of high fat and cholesterol. It is highly possible that the food in Old Dairy which contains high portion of fat and cholesterol is very delicious and people cannot help buying and eating it.（同样的，你的cannot help buying and eating没有在文中给出什么证据或者例子） In all likelihood the author cannot conclude that Old Dairy's profits will be diminished because of its products with high fat and cholesterol.

The second problem is that the author rushed into the conclusion that Old Dairy's profits will be diminished according to the statement that low-fat products abound in many food stores while food products in Old Dairy are high in fat and cholesterol. （我看完了你的TS,找不到你到底要批哪一点，这一句话里面至少有2个点可以批：1.profits diminished是hasty;2.low-fat products aboundant是hasty.还是那句话，TS需要精确的描述你到底要批什么“逻辑”而不是让读者从一大堆“复述”中自己去挑。）However, the author does not provide any information about the profits of the food stores full of low-fat products. Do they get high profits currently?（这句话出来的很奇怪了，文章中说的是低脂产品以后会影响高脂产品的利润（will no doubt decrease），你问currently做什么？即使currently真的没利润，也不代表它以后不能取代高脂产品）Are they getting high profits because of their low-fat food products?（这句话，解释的不够到位啊...其实你是想说：Old Diary说不定也有低脂产品，而且说不定低脂才是占了利润的大部分，而与此同时高脂产品没准在赔本经营。所以高脂的销售受到影响，对公司的利润影响微乎其微。自然不会使公司的利润下降了。 你看我这么多句的分析，你居然就用一个问句就表达出来了，是不是太简略了? PS：看了下面的一段我才知道你是下一段说这个。但是你的段落结构很乱了，下一段要说的东西，为什么在这一段来提出这么一句？读者会糊涂掉的） If not, the conclusion is unwarranted.

Even if the high-fat food products in Old Dairy will truly diminish the profits of the company in this field, the total profits of Old Dairy are not necessarily to be diminished.（这句话仍然可以精炼！只需要提出逻辑错误就行了，其他的后文慢慢解释） It is highly possible that the high-fat food products play only a minor role in the market of Old Dairy. There might be other products which sell very well in the company.（这段论述的话说的很不清楚，看我上一段的建议） In this case, the total profits in Old Dairy will still be in a high level and it's better for the stockholders to hold their shares.

All in all, this argument is based on several unwarranted assumptions and is not necessarily to be true. In order to support the argument, the author should provide more information about the profits of the food stores which are full of low-fat food products. The author should also investigate how much does the market of food products with high fat contribute to the total market of Old Diary. Old Dairy stockholders and other investors should think twice before their investment.

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

怪不得ade不去抢家家的修改铺了。。原来找66。。。= =

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

1# irvine666
我想到一个~
坚果~富含维生素E，矿物质~可是全是脂肪。。。。。。哈哈~

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

1# irvine666
我觉得作者主二段攻击的是低脂食物，那两个问句的they指的是低脂肪的食物。。。。。。

emteddybearUID: 2699606

学习了学习了  什么时候66可以给我也改一下呀，有没有什么要求啊

irvine666UID: 2575525

有要求，随便选的

银落UID: 2632560

学习了学习了  什么时候66可以给我也改一下呀，有没有什么要求啊
emteddybear 发表于 2010-2-3 18:14

66是随机抽的。。~

KiKi~淇水滺滺UID: 2679824

5# emteddybear

所以要求就是多写 然后天天拿链接去骚扰66叔~

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

其實我第二段是想說，即使根據那個survey真的有80%的人都不想賣高脂產品了，但是那並不代表高脂產品的profits就一定比不上那些abound in low-fat products的stores，講的卻是不清楚，因為當時也沒好好想他因~我再去改一遍~

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

修改版，恳请66叔再指教哇~

Based on a recent survey and the abundance of low-fat products in many food stores, the arguer concludes that Old Dairy(OD) will diminish in its profits because of its high-fat products, thus suggesting that stockholders sell their shares and other investors stop purchasing stock in OD. However, this argument suffers from several critical flaws and is therefore unpersuasive at all.（这个开头是看了66的Argument开头那篇文章后改的）

The threshold problem is that the general desire in the survey could hardly indicate the choice of consumers when they choose from high-fat and low-fat products.（这个TS不知道够不够清晰简洁） To say is one thing, but to do is another. Many people make their decision to lose weight but they never achieve their goal. People might still prefer to buy the high-fat products in OD rather than the low-fat ones because of their good tastes. What's more, some high-fat products might also do good to people's health. For example, peanut is a kind of high-fat product which also contains a lot of vitamin, and it's also popular because it's very delicious. In this likelihood the arguer cannot conclude that OD's profits will be diminished because of its products with high fat and cholesterol.

Even if the 80 percent of respondents who are surveyed indeed choose low-fat products only, it does not mean that OD's profits will be diminished because the 20 percent left might be the major market of the high-fat products. It is highly possible that the 80 percent of respondents are mostly old people who care more about their health, which the 20 percent left are children and young people. The high-fat profits in OD might be just fit for the market of children and young people. Take ice-cream for granted. Despite that it contains high fat and cholesterol, many children and young people still love to buy it as a way of enjoyment. In this case, the arguer's conclusion is unwarranted.

Even if the high-fat products in OD are losing their market currently, the total profits of OD are not necessarily to be diminished. It is highly possible that OD also sells other food products with low fat and cholesterol, which might account for a large part of the total profits of OD. Perhaps high-fat products only play a minor role in OD's industry. In this likelihood, the decreased profits of high-fat products will have little effect on the total profits of OD. So the arguer's suggestion is not necessarily proper.

All in all, this argument is based on several unwarranted assumptions and is not necessarily to be true. In order to support the argument, the arguer should investigate how the respondents behave toward the high-fat products of OD in their daily life. The arguer should also investigate how much do the profits of high-fat products contribute to the total profits of OD. Old Dairy stockholders and other investors should think twice before their investment.

还想请66叔指教以下几个问题：

1. 这样的TS行不行，特别是后面两段实际上真正有意义的反驳的东西还是在TS后面那句话。

2. 这样的结构行不行，特别是后面两段用了两个让步。

3. 这样的结尾如何？

向亲耐的66叔致敬，辛苦了~BOW~

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

10# AdelineShen
是不是应该choose betwenn啊？

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

12# Bela1229
拜托件事儿~https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1056699-1-1.html
这是银落帮我改的issue~不过她说最近比较忙~没有时间再看我改的了~
求助你一下下~帮我看看我改的成不成~
thanks a million！

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

66~66~66~

ringtailbunnyUID: 2579853

看完此文心中不禁一阵暗爽。。。前段时间看过几处说TS要写成长难复杂句的我就不能太理解为什么，原来就是要写成小句子嘛~~嘿嘿