cp19880313的作文本

cp19880313UID: 2643174

我的作文本，从今天开始写作！

cp19880313UID: 2643174

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money, agree or disagree?
It is true that everyone in the world are making money to fulfill their desires, no one can deny that he have to live with money. For businessmen, they certainly have desire for money, while it is not exactly to say that they are only motivated by desire of money, other reasons can also be motivations for businessmen.
Firstly, a desire for money is the nature of all human beings, a large amount of money can make one’s life better,one can eat better, live comfortable, travel to beautiful place, and even live longer. There is no fault to seek for s better life. A successful businessman has always accumulated quantities of money, making more money cannot contribute to a better life for he have gained enough money to live a most comfortable life. Bill Gates, for example, who has been the wealthiest man in the world for last twentiety years, and have ever said that he has no desire for more money because the money he owned cannot be used up through all his life. As a result, he donated all his money to the poor to help them with their lives, the only motation for him is a desire to be success in the world, to be a famous businessman. Lots of businessmen who are alike Bill Gates hold the desire to be succeed in his territory as a motivation as well. In the view of successful businessmen, money, which can only be taken as a kind of game, couldn’t be seen as a motivation leading them to go further.
In addition, not all businessmen are making money to fulfill their desire of money, some kind hearted businessmen would like to accumulate money to help some others. For instance, as I have ever heard of , a man who owned a resturant gave all of his money to some students whose families are poor enough to help them with their study, however, he lived in a poor condition without any complaint. he would like to view this—helping others with their best effort—as the greatest motivation. And I could say that a desire of helping other people also led a businessman to work hard.
To sum up, I should say a desire for money is not a shame, alternatively, it could be viewed as a nature of human beings, for businessmen, a deisre for money is only one of many motivations ,not even the major one. A successful businessman should chase their siprit achievement which have already beyong the desire of money.

mangohahaUID: 2758178

It is true that everyone in the world are making money to fulfill their desires, no one can deny that he have to live with money. For businessmen, they certainly have desire for money, while it is not exactly to say that they are only motivated by desire of money, other reasons can also be motivations for businessmen
首段.( T; D3 G  X$ T# T' A* c. Z8 B
Firstly, a desire for money is the nature of all human beings（这个感觉有点绝对，还是不要all好些）, a large amount of money can make one’s life better（live a better life）,one can eat better(enjoy delicious food), live comfortable, travel to beautiful place, and even live longer（整句话，是不是主语有些乱呀）. There is no fault to seek for s better life. A successful businessman has always accumulated quantities of money, making more money cannot contribute to a better life for he have gained enough money to live a most comfortable life(不懂). Bill Gates, for example, who has been the wealthiest man in the world for last twentiety years, and have ever said that he has no desire for more money because the money he owned cannot be used up through all his life. As a result, he donated all his money to the poor to help them with their lives, the only motation for him is a desire to be success in the world, to be a famous businessman. Lots of businessmen who are alike Bill Gates hold the desire to be succeed in his territory as a motivation as well. In the view of successful businessmen, money, which can only be taken as a kind of game, couldn’t be seen as a motivation leading them to go further.本段，两个观点：1前使生活更幸福，2有些商人并不只为钱， 建议分成两段来写吧 更好些O(∩_∩)O~
in addition, not all businessmen are making money to fulfill their desire of money, some kind hearted businessmen. For instance, as I have ever heard omen would like to accumulate money to help some othersf , a man who owned a resturant gave all of his money to some students whose families are poor enough to help them with their study, however, he lived in a poor condition without any complaint. he would like to view this—helping others with their best effort—as the greatest motivation. And I could say that a desire of helping other people also led a businessman to work hard(本段没什么问题，有些小的语法错误，不过无大碍)./ G2 z' ?! b  m9 o4 ?4 E
To sum up, I should say a desire for money is not a shame, alternatively, it could be viewed as a nature of human beings, for businessmen, a deisre for money is only one of many motivations ,not even the major one. A successful businessman should chase their siprit achievement which have already beyong the desire of money.
结尾很好
2段语法上有些小错误，也是因为自己的语法很差，不敢确定也就不敢轻易改你改
Bill Gates的例子很好，不过感觉上是因为他钱多了花不完才给别人帮助别人的
O(∩_∩)O~即使是也最好不要这样说
可以说他一直有一个梦想建立微软帝国，或是说源于他小时候对软件的热爱。。。才会诞生这个今天时间上最成功的商人之一。。。
3段的例子很合适
建议吧2段分开写 会更好些吧O(∩_∩)O~
加油

luofayiUID: 2325524

It is true that everyone in the world are （is）making money to fulfill their desires, no one can deny that he have (has) to live with money. For businessmen, they certainly have the desire for money, while it is not exactly(exactly不对，换成其他词right) to say that they are only motivated by the desire of money, other reasons can also be motivations for businessmen.2 I$ B9 x) h9 e: U+ c+ d* Z. i
Firstly, a desire for money is the nature of all human beings, a large amount of money can make one’s life better,one can eat better, live comfortable (comfortably), travel to beautiful place, and even live longer. There is no fault to seek for s (s笔误吧) better life. A successful businessman has always accumulated quantities of money, making more money cannot contribute to a better life for he have gained enough money to live a most comfortable life(这句有问题。语法混乱，我没看明白要表达什么). Bill Gates, for example, who(去掉) has been the wealthiest man in the world for last twentiety years, and have（改成has） ever said that he has no desire for more money because （改成though）the money he owned cannot be used up through all his life. As a result, he donated all his money to the poor (加places或people)to help them with their lives(去掉), the only motation for him is a（a改成the） desire to be success in the world, to be a famous businessman. Lots of businessmen who are alike Bill Gates hold the desire to be succeed in his territory as a motivation as well(去掉as well表达的意思会明确点). In the view of successful businessmen, money, which can only be taken as a kind of game, couldn’t be seen as a motivation leading them to go further.) d, b, z3 t8 W
In addition, not all businessmen are making money to fulfill their desire of money, some kind(去掉kind或者改成kindly) hearted businessmen would like to accumulate money to help some others. For instance, as I have ever heard of (去掉of), a man who owned a resturant gave all of his money to some students whose families are poor enough to help them with their study, however,(however改成while) he lived in a poor condition without any complaint. he would like to view this—helping others with their best effort—as the greatest motivation. And I could say that a desire of helping other people also led a businessman to work hard.
To sum up, I should say a desire for money is not a shame(shame是形容词，不用a), alternatively, it could be viewed as a nature of human beings, for businessmen, a deisre for money is only one of many motivations ,not even(even not) the major one. A successful businessman should chase their siprit(spiritual) achievement which have already beyong the desire of money.

第二段语法错误比较多，有些句式不够好~
文章总体结构完整，有例子支撑文章，好。但有些地方由于句式不恰当表达不大清楚~
说错之处请谅解~~

cp19880313UID: 2643174

Human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals.


I concede that building more farmland, houses and industries can fulfill our recent desirement,but we must take some other elements into account. In my opinion , it is not clever to take over the land which used to belong to the endangered animals.

Firstly, I have to say , though one can gain more money after building more industries and live a better life in a bigger house.However ,has he ever thought about the future of his decendants? The answer is absolutely no. Every kind of animals existed in the world is crucial to the earth. For example,the food chain, which is consisted of a variety of animals. Without any kinds of these animals, the ecosystem cannot be maintained steadily for some of these animals which are feed on endangered animals cannot find enough food,as a result, these animals will become endangered gradually. When all the animals become extinct, huge catastrophy is waiting for us.

In addition, we have to convince that our humans’activity plays a most important influence on the decreasing of animals, that’s to say , we are responisble to the endangered animals. All the creatures have the right to live. Human beings ,however, destroyed the home of these animals and making them nowhere to go, it’s crucial of our human beings.

Thirdly, saving the land of the endangered animals can also help
ourselves. We can learn large amounts of knowledge from the study of these endangered animals. Panda, for instance, is a kind of animals called the living fossils. It is becase that they have existed for millions of years and their genes changed little though the long period, by studying panda’s gene, we would learn about the process of the human beings’ formation, and some complex diseases can be solved.In fact,protection of the endangered animals is more useful than building some houses or industries.

To sum up, I would rather leave these land for the endangered animals rather than building housea or industries for a short time satisfaction, after all, protecting the animals will benefit our human beings for a long time ,and one would never regret for protecting the endangered animals.

howard_hhqUID: 2648506

I concede that (用although) building more farmland, houses and industries can fulfill our recent desirement(desire), but we must take some other elements into account. In my opinion, it is not clever(wise) to take over the land which used to belong to(换成 for) the endangered animals.

Firstly, I have to say, though one can gain more money after building more industries(放最后) and live a better life in a bigger house. However, has he ever thought about the future of his descendants? The answer is absolutely no. Every(each) kind of animals existed(existing) in the world is crucial to the earth. For example, the food chain, which is consisted of(made up) a variety of animals. Without any kinds of these animals, the ecosystem cannot be maintained steadily(steady) for some of these animals which are feed on endangered animals cannot find enough food, as a result, these animals will become endangered gradually. When all the animals become extinct, huge catastrophe is waiting for us.
句子表达不太好，多多看范文，练句子

In addition, we have to convince that our humans’ activity plays a most important influence on the decreasing of animals(这就表达有问题), that’s to say, we are responsible to the endangered animals. All the creatures have the right to live. Human beings, however, destroyed the home of these animals and making them nowhere to go, it’s crucial of our human beings.
没有details

Thirdly, saving the land of the endangered animals can also help : d  h  L+ |) g- I% ?- z9 `0 wourselves. We can learn large amounts of knowledge from the study of these endangered animals. Panda, for instance, is a kind of animals called the living fossils. It is because that they have existed for millions of years and their genes changed little though the long period, by studying panda’s gene, we would learn about the process of the human beings’ formation, and some complex diseases can be solved. In fact, protection of the endangered animals is more useful than building some houses or industries.
这段论述的较好

To sum up, I would rather leave these land for the endangered animals rather than building house or industries for a short time satisfaction, after all, protecting the animals will benefit our human beings for a long time, and one would never regret for protecting the endangered animals.

整体框架很清晰，第4段写的还可以，你的句子表达不够强，可以多看看范文，多练练句子

cp19880313UID: 2643174

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can benefit more from traveling in their own country than traveling to foreign countries.

It is true that people can benefit a lot from traveling in their own country, however, people should not only travel their own countries, but also travel to some foreign countries.

Firstly, most countries stand for a single culture and the people who live in this country can only contact with a same culture, which is not good for a person’s development. People should broaden their sight to become erudite. Columbu, for instance, without the intention of traveling all over the world, he can never found the American land, nor he could become a respected person in the history.

In addition,  no one can deny that our world has become smaller, and people cooperate with each other in many areas, while there is one important aspect that cannot be ignored —— the culture differences. It is important to know the other people’s culture who you are communicating with. For example, when talking with a Muslim, never speaking bad of pigs for they are something viewed as sacred. A travel to the foreign countries is the most direct way of learning other countries culture.

Finally, it is known that a country can never contain every kind of beautiful scenery, some countries are located inland where the native people have never seen the sea. People who live in the tropical countries have never came to meet with winter or snow. Travelling in their own countries, they would benefit only a little from the unchanged culture and scenery.

To sum up, it is obviously that travelling to foreign countries can benefit one even more than travelling in their own country. Different culture, different scenery, different language, all of which could broaden people’s view and extend their knowledge.

zhisnoopyUID: 2703722

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can benefit more from traveling in their own country than traveling to foreign countries.; Z! D2 ~' l' f# p" ^3 t# r& X

It is true that people can benefit a lot from traveling in their own country, however, people should not only travel in their own countries, but also travel to some foreign countries.6 H# O  n; L, b2 r6 G) p

Firstly, most countries stand for a single culture and the people who live in this country can only contact with the same culture, which is not good for a person’s development. People should broaden their sight to become erudite. Columbu, for instance, without the intention of traveling all over the world, he can never found the American land, nor he could become a respectful person in the history.

In addition,  no one can deny that our world has become smaller, it is easy for people to communicate with others in many areas(我觉得换这个句型表述的清楚点吧，然后，我的理解，LZ这里想说的是人们不同地区人们之间的沟通与交流，所以我觉得communicate更好点), while there is one important aspect that cannot be ignored —— the culture differences. It is important to know the other the culture of people(这里的定语从句是修饰people的，不是整个句子，我觉得从句还是直接跟在people后面好点~~) who you are communicating with. For example, when talking with a Muslim, never speaking bad of pigs for they are something viewed as sacred（这句话，我觉得这样写会好点：For example, when talking to Muslim,it is necessary to avoid talking something ugly about pigs, because they are the totem of those people. ）. A travel to the foreign country(前面是定冠词 the，应该是单数吧？) is the most direct way of learning other country‘s culture.+ e6 j# B, v9 T* a5 I
7 F8 ^( X# K; r

Finally, it is known that a country can never contain all kinds of beautiful sceneries, some countries are located inland where the native people have never seen the sea. People who live in the tropical countries have never came to meet with winter or snow. Travelling in their own countries, they would benefit only a little from the unchanged culture and scenery.

To sum up, it is obviously that travelling to foreign countries can benefit one even more than travelling in their own country. Different culture, different scenery, different language, all of which could broaden people’s view and extend their knowledge.

思路清晰，强调多元文化比单一文化有更多的benefits，但是后面的senery的点，跟前面比起来有点poor了，加强一下就更好了，然后分段上我觉得有点散，第二段和第三段其实是一个点，我觉得可以并起来，然后finally那段再丰富下就完美了~~~（个人浅见哦~~~）

cp19880313UID: 2643174

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students who keep their rooms neat and organized tend to be more successful than students who do not.6 X; |  R-

As the Chinese old saying goes, a man can never succeed if he cannot keep his room clean. I agree that students will be more successful if they keep their room neat and organized for the following reasons.

Firstly, if a student didn’t organize his room for a long time , his room must be in a mass, and he will never feel happy or comfortable in his room. As is to me, if my room is dirty or in a mass, I will feel rather uncomfortable and unhappy, I would not like to stay in the room any longer. As a result, people who always feel uncomfortable or unhappy certainly cannot concentrate on their job and thus they can hardly become succeed.

Furthermore,living in a poor condition will do harm to people’s health either. A room filled with rubbish or dust will cause some diseases to the people who live in it. The influence of diseases is obviously, people have to ask for a leave and will miss some important classes, instead, they could only come to the hospital and taking some inspections or even living in the hospital. How could the students who always get ill compete with those healthy students? What’s more, a healthy body is the basic condition of living longer, a person who lived in a dirty condition cannot keep healthy, then he will not live longer, not even talk about becoming successful.

Finally, a room is not only used for living but also viewed as a place to welcome the visitors. A man who lives in a unorganized and dirty room, for instance, invited his friends to this room, the impression left for these friends would be awful, they may think that this man is such a dirty person who cannot be viewes as a good friend, then he will be left alone. Can you imagine that a person without a real friend can become succeed?

All in all, keeping the room neat and organized can benefit to people’s health, also contribute to people’s succeed. And it’s a rather easy housework for everyone, anyone who wants to be more successful should make this work well done.

dphenixyUID: 2657199

As the Chinese old saying goes, a man can never succeed if he cannot keep his room clean（好诡异的俗话，用俗语开头很好，但这句编的太生硬了）. I agree that students will be more successful if they keep their room neat and organized for the following reasons.
Firstly, if a student didn’t organize his room for a long time , his room must be in a mass, and he will never feel happy or comfortable in his room. As is to me（as for me）, if my room is dirty or in a mass, I will feel rather uncomfortable and unhappy, （缺少连词，比如and之类）I would not like to stay in the room any longer. As a result, people who always feel uncomfortable or unhappy（和上面词汇重复，不太好） certainly cannot concentrate on their job and thus they can hardly become succeed（successful）.
Furthermore, living in a poor condition will do harm to people’s health either. A room filled with rubbish or dust will cause some diseases to the people who live in it. The influence of diseases is obviously, （句子中间缺少连词）people have to ask for a leave and will miss some important classes, instead, （because）they could only come to the hospital and taking some inspections or even living （时态前后不一致）in the hospital. How could the students who always get ill compete with those healthy students?（应该说明在那些方面竞争） What’s more, a healthy body is the basic condition of living longer,（句号） a person who lived in a dirty condition cannot keep healthy, then he will not live longer, not even talk about （let alone）becoming successful.
Finally, a room is not only used for living but also viewed as a place to welcome the visitors. A man who lives in a unorganized and dirty room, for instance, invited his friends to this room, the impression left for these friends would be awful, they may think that this man is such a dirty person who cannot be viewes as a good friend, then he will be left alone.（句子之间应该用连词连接，不能就一个逗号就把两个独立的句子连一起） Can you imagine that a person without a real friend can become（去掉） succeed? $ ~9 A4 [4 P5 ?& }0 \
All in all, keeping the room neat and organized can benefit to （去掉）people’s health, also contribute to people’s succeed. And it’s a rather easy housework for everyone, （句子连接~~）anyone who wants to be more successful should make this work well done.
楼主对大体框架掌握的还行，但是词汇和句式都过于简单了，还有一些基本的语法错误，说明楼主的基本功以及词汇，句式的积累还要多下点功夫，建议楼主多看一些写作讲义之类的资料，然后就是作文写完要多修改几遍，看到一些好的句式和词汇就想办法用到自己的作文里。
Ps，我的作文写成13号的了，抱歉了~~

cp19880313UID: 2643174

3 月15日     08 5.9 北美
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
The government should spend more money on improving access to the Internet than on the public transportation.5

Nobody can deny that more and more people are engaging in surfing internet during these years, most of whom, however, just use the internet as an entertainment. While public transportation is crucial for a majority of the people to live in nowadays society. It is wise for the government to spend more money on the public transportation.

Firstly, in nowadays, efficiency is viewed as the most crucial factor in the society. People who can finish more things within the same period can obviously become more successful. Thus, people have to contract any time they can save. There is no doubt that saving the time in transportation is necessary. People probably finish some key jobs within a few minutes which were saved in the transportation. as a result, people can get more salary and meanwhile, the government could collect more tax for the increasing of the economy.

In addition, a bad condition of the road is more likely to cause some accidents, which would cause death to somebody. One of the function of the government is to protect the citizens’safety. And improving the condition of the public transportation is a better way. What’s more , better public transportation would help protect the enviroment, the buses could release less gases and people are more likely to keep healthy. The safer the city is , the more support the government can receieve. This spending is benefit to both the government and the citizens.

Finally, with a better condition of the public transportation, people are likely to travel to this place and communicate wtih the local people. Then this city is possible to become famous. Beijing, for instance, where I used to visiting ten years ago, showed a poor condition of the public transportaition, and for which, I did not feel like this city. Notwithstanding, I went to Beijing this year onec more, the changing of the public transportation is a surprise to me, the subways, the beautiful buses and the high speed trains. I could’t help to praise this modern city, espeically for the modern public transportation. I have to cocede that I love Beijing for its high efficient transportation.

All in all, I would rather the government spend more money on improving the public transportation for this is good for the local people’s health and they can feel comfortable either. In my opinion, a wise government would care more about the public transportation.

蔓落UID: 2779470

Nobody can deny that more and more people are engaging(engaged) in surfing internet during these years, most of whom, however, just use the internet as an entertainment（这个观点有点太片面了）. While(the) public transportation is crucial for a majority of the people to live in nowadays（nowadays是一个副词，改成current吧） society. It is wise for the government to spend more money on the public transportation.
Firstly, in nowadays, efficiency is viewed as the most crucial（上文用过crucial，可以改成significant）factor in the society. People who can finish more things within the same period can obviously become more successful. Thus, people have to contract any time they can save（这句没读懂）. There is no doubt that saving the time in transportation is necessary. People probably finish some key jobs within a few minutes which were saved in the transportation. as a result, people can get more salary and meanwhile, the government could collect more tax for the increasing（改成developmet吧） of the economy
In addition, a bad condition of the road is more likely to cause some accidents, which would cause(lead to) death to somebody. One of the function of the government is to protect the citizens’safety. And improving the condition of the public transportation is a better(necessary) way. What’s more , better public transportation would help protect the enviroment,(缺连词） the buses could release less gases and people are more likely to keep healthy. The safer the city is , the more support the government can receieve. This spending is benefit to both the government and the citizens.
Finally, with a better condition of the public transportation, people are likely to（这个结构也用过了） travel to this place and communicate wtih the local people. Then this city is possible to become famous. Beijing, for instance, where I used to visiting ten years ago, showed a poor condition of the public transportaition, and for which, I did not feel like this city. Notwithstanding, I went to Beijing this year onec more, the changing of the public transportation is a surprise to me, the subways, the beautiful buses and the high speed trains. I could’t help to praise this modern city, espeically for the modern public transportation. I have to cocede that I love Beijing for its high efficient transportation.（感觉同学你举的例子有点太主观了，整个在描述自己的情况，或许可以从客观上来描述，比如说traffic jam,transportation net对人民生活的改变）
All in all, I would rather the government spend more money on improving the public transportation for this is good for the local people’s health and they can feel comfortable either. In my opinion, a wise government would care more about the public transportation.

同学，你的作文整体来说很有条理，每个分论点都很充分，我给你两点建议：1.可以更多的加入例子更有说明性2.你只说了交通的好，可以用英特网的不足对比，或者可以说一些英特网的好，可是仍然依耐交通）
第一次给别人改作文，就改了一些小的地方，因为自己也写得不好，所以大的结构没动~继续加油吧~我们一起加油

cp19880313UID: 2643174

3.16
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should live one city or in one country all their life instead of moving to live in different places.

As is for me, I can hardly believe how can a person live in a same city or country all his life. Living in a city through all one’s life not only do harm to one’s health but also limit the width of one’s knowledge.

First of all, changing the living site regularly can make people feel happy. For one thing, people who usually live in the unchanged surroundings will more or less be tired of this life, which would lead people feel depressed. While the best way to konck off people’s depression is by changing the living enviroment. People who live in the subtropical area can come to the tropical areas, poeple who live in the metroplis can change their lives in some villages. It is common in my hometown to see, for instance, people would rather live in Hainan in winter for the climate in my hometown is cold while it is warm in Hainan during the same period.

In addition, people who move to live in different places regularly seem to be healthier. they could choose a place where the scenery is beautiful, the air is clean, for which, people are less likely to catch disease. On the other hand, it is possible that the place where people used to live lacks a large hospital. Some crucial diseases cannot be treated here, the local patients could not get the best treatment in time, the result to which is sometimes lethal.

Finally, I have to say that one can never live without friends, the more friends one have, the more successful one can achieve. Moving to a new enviroment, people tend to make friends with numbers of the local citizens, these friendship would probably help people have their tasks finished easier, also, people have the chance to make more money and have a better life. Taking myself as an example, I used to live in a small city for nearly 20 years and then I came to Xi’an to attend the college. I have already got a great many friends here and all of these friendship is valuable for me.

All in all, moving to live in different cities regular is benefit to people on many fields, they can feel happy, become healthier, gain more money, all of which is a great contribution to people’s lives.

xiguaduoUID: 2222191

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should live one city or in one country all their life instead of moving to live in different places.

As is for me, I can hardly believe how can a person live in a same city or country all his life. Living in a city through all one’s life not only do harm to one’s health but also limit the width of one’s knowledge.（这个似乎比较主观，可以用比较的口气说一下两者那一个更好）

First of all, changing the living site regularly can make people feel happy. For one thing, people who usually live in the unchanged surroundings will more or less be tired of this life, which would lead people feel depressed. While the best way to konck off people’s depression（查了一下，似乎没有这个用法，用conquer？) is by changing the living enviroment. People who live in the subtropical area can come to the tropical areas, poeple who live in the metroplis can change their lives in some villages. It is common in my hometown to see, for instance, people would rather live in Hainan in winter for the climate in my hometown is cold while it is warm in Hainan during the same period.(例子不错）

In addition, people who move to live in different places regularly seem to be healthier. （than ...) they could choose a place where the scenery is beautiful, the air is clean, for which, people are less likely to catch disease. On the other hand, it is possible that the place where people used to live lacks a large hospital. Some crucial diseases cannot be treated here, the local patients could not get the best treatment in time, the result to which is sometimes lethal.(这点逻辑上似乎有点牵强，我想tx要表达的是，原来的city环境不好，医疗设施不好，搬到好的地方住，这样更healthier。但是tx的主题句表达的是常常搬家就healthier了，建议修改主题句，和例子对应）

Finally, I have to say that one can never live without friends, the more friends one have, the more successful one can achieve. Moving to a new enviroment, people tend to make friends with numbers of the local citizens, these friendship would probably help people have their tasks finished easier, also, people have the chance to make more money and have a better life. Taking myself as an example, I used to live in a small city for nearly 20 years and then I came to Xi’an to attend the college. I have already got a great many friends here and all of these friendship is valuable for me.（这段很好）

in all, moving to live in different cities regular is benefit to people on many fields, they can feel happy, become healthier, gain more money, all of which is a great contribution to people’s lives.（末尾不错，简洁概括）

john_332UID: 2741978

3.16
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should live one city or in one country all their life instead of moving to live in different places.

As is(去掉is) for me, I can hardly believe how can a person live in a same city or country all his life. Living in a city through(throughout) all one’s life not only do harm to one’s health but also limit the width of one’s knowledge.

First of all, changing the living site regularly can make people feel happy. For one thing, people who usually live in the unchanged surroundings will more or less be tired of this(what ?) life, which would lead people feel depressed. While the best way to konck off people’s depression is by changing the living enviroment. People who live in the subtropical area can come to the tropical areas, poeple who live in the metroplis can change their lives in some villages.(which point do you want to support or make by using this example ? ) It is common in my hometown to see, for instance, people would rather live in Hainan in winter for the climate in my hometown is cold while it is warm in Hainan during the same period.(I didn't get this long sentence, I assume you use a simple combination of two sentence,which is "people would rather live in Hainan in winter for the climate"and "the climate in my hometown is cold while it is warm in Hainan during the same period")

  上段的中心在于 changing ...feel happy, OK，I agree, but why ? 我从后面的句子中看不到进一步的说明和例证。

In addition, people who move to live in different places regularly seem to be healthier. they could choose a place where the scenery is beautiful, the air is clean, for which, people are less likely to catch disease. On the other hand, it is possible that the place where people used to live lacks a large hospital. Some crucial diseases cannot be treated here, the local patients could not get the best treatment in time, the result to which is sometimes lethal.(我觉得这里没必要用这样纠结的句型，一句thus sometimes lead to cureless disease or even death即可)

      上段还是能够支持到主旨句，很好，但是感觉某些idea很weak, 原来住的地方缺少了“一个大医院”，本地的病人得不到好的治疗... 那就应该把这个例子和中心衔接好，比如说 通过向发达地区迁移能享受更好的医疗服务....

Finally, I have to say that one can never live without friends, the more friends one have, the more successful one can achieve. Moving to a new enviroment, people tend to make friends with numbers of the local citizens(residents), these friendship would probably help people have their tasks finished easier( benefit people in daily life), also, people have the chance to make more money and have a better life. Taking myself as an example, I used to live in a small city for nearly 20 years and then I came to Xi’an to attend the college. I have already got a great(省掉前面的a great) many friends here and all of these friendship(加s) is valuable for (for or to ?)me.

All in all, moving to live in different cities regular is benefit(beneficial) to people on many fields, they can feel happy, become healthier, gain more money, all of which is a great contribution to people’s lives.

     
    总结： 你用三个小段分别从happy,health,friendship的角度来支持你的论点，这个idea很好，但是每段就只有一个小地方提了一下原因，论证比较乏力，看得出你注意了comparison,结构也比较清晰。