作文帖~~~~zyrpig

zyrpigUID：2961710

The best way to improve the quality of education is to imcrease teachers' salaries'.

用时：30min   一战作文21，伤了个心，不知如何写了，请大牛给看看
Since teacher is the most direct component in education, many people insist that the best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries. However, I reject this notion completely and firmly believe that schools should not regard increasing salaries of teachers as a way to improve their quality of education. There are simple many reasons to demonstrate my point.

Firstly, teachers who are paid high salaries are not possible fully focus on their jobs. Increasing teachers' pay will distract teachers from teaching job because they will use their extra money to do other things which spend their limit time and energy. For example, the government in my town asked all schools to raise the salaries paid to teachers in order to encourage teachers to perform better in their teaching positions. But the consequence turned out in the opposite way that the majority of teachers use their money to go shopping and travel, making them too exhausted and tired to care about their work and students. At the end of the semester, every student complained that their teachers did not do a well job because their teachers always ignored their confusion and questions. Therefore, school which improving the pay for teachers will not achieve the goal forever.

Furthermore, it is unfair for all of students and their parents due to the fact that students must to pay higher admission fee for their education in school to make sure school has enough money to pay for its teachers' raising salaries. We all know that parents already work so hard to support the whole family in today’s fast pace society. Increasing the fee for the education in school means adding the pressure to parents and forcing them to earn more money to ensure the steady of their kids' education. Not all parents in family have ability to earn enough money to pay the adding fee in school. In this case, their kids may have the possibilities of droping out from school, being deprived of the opportunities to receive education. For the sake of our children' steady education, school should not adopt the increasing fee as a strategy to improve educational quality.

Finally, there are actually many methods to greater improving the education except increasing salaries. These methods will bring positive effects on the education in school while not hurt anybody. For instance, school can apply the public funds to build the multi-function library which provides more convenience for students who want to look up to more details and information in their study fields. Students will devote much passion and a lot of time to fully use this resource and make amazing progress in their studies. It is obvious that schools can find out many other perfect ways of more practical use than raising salaries to improve their education.

In conclusion, school should definitely not improve its education depend on raising the salaries of its teachers due to the fact that it will decrease teachers’ concentration on students and hurt their parents. While paying teacher more money may be influential sometimes, in today's society it is not a good choice.

mpromanusUID：2565872

1# zyrpig

The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries.

Since the (For a detailed fix on this error, see Note at the end.) teacher is the most direct component in education, (I don't see what 'direct' means here..even in Chinese 教师是教育中最直接的部分 doesn't make sense. Maybe you mean 'direct' as in 'obvious'?) many people insist that the best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries. However, I reject this notion completely and firmly believe that schools should not regard increasing salaries of teachers as a way to improve their quality of education. There are simple many (If you didn't mean 'simply many', then it should be 'many simple'. The number adjective comes before other adjectives, but after demonstrative adjectives (this, that, etc.), e.g. 'these few small red sleeping birds'.) reasons to demonstrate my point.

Firstly, teachers who are paid high salaries are not possible fully focus on their jobs (This is not the right way to use 'be possible to do something'. In Chinese we do say 人是可能做xx事的 but that doesn't mean you can do the same in English. Human beings are not 'possible to do things'; only things are 'possible to be done'. You can say 'It is not possible for teachers to fully focus on their jobs' but not 'Teachers are possible to focus on their jobs.') Increasing teachers' pay will distract teachers from teaching job because they will use their extra money to do other things, which spend their limited time and energy (Again, in Chinese we do say 事情很花时间 but that doesn't translate to English directly. People 'spend' time and energy to do things, but things don't 'spend' time and energy. Things 'take' time and energy (to do).). For example, the government in my town asked all schools to raise the salaries paid to teachers in order to encourage teachers to perform better in their teaching positions. But the consequence turned out in the opposite way that the majority of teachers use their money to shopping and travelling, making them too exhausted and tired to care about their work and students. At the end of the semester, every student complained that their teachers did not do a good job because their teachers always ignored their confusion and questions. Therefore, school which improve the pay for teachers will not achieve the goal forever (What goal? And what do you mean by 'forever'? Be precise.).

Furthermore, it (What? This is the very first sentence in this paragraph - there's no noun yet, so where does your 'it' come from? Do not assume your readers will be able to remember, throughout a 400-word essay, that you're always talking about 'salaries' or something when you say 'it'. Think about this: if you can't remember all points in a lecture in the TOEFL listening section on the first go, then your examiner won't be able to do the same for your essay.) is unfair for all of students and their parents due to the fact that students must to pay higher admission fee for their education in school to make sure the school has enough money to pay for its teachers. We all know that parents already work so hard to support the whole families in today’s fast paced society. Increase the fee for the education in school means adding the pressure to parents and forcing them to earn more money to ensure the steadiness of? their kids' education (I'm not sure what you mean by 'steady education' though..I think you mean 'stable'..). Not all parents in families have the ability to earn enough money to pay the adding? (You mean 'increasing'?) fees in school. In this case, their kids may face the possibilities to drop out from school and be deprived of the opportunities to receive education. For the sake of our children' steady education, school should not adopt the increasing fee (Fees and salaries are not the same. Yes they are related as you've demonstrated, but in the end you're expected to conclude about raising salaries, not fees.) as a strategy to improve education.

Finally, there are actually many methods to greatly improve the education except increasing salaries. These methods will bring the positive effects on the education in schools and will not hurt anybody. For instance, a school can apply the for? public funds (What do you mean by 'public funds'? Charities?) to build a multi-function library which offers more convenience for students who want to look up to the details and information in their study fields. Students will devote much passion and a lot of time to fully use this resource and make amazing progress in their studies. It is obvious that schools can find out many other perfect ways more practical than raising salaries to improve their education.

In conclusion, school should definitely not improve its education depend on by raising the salaries of its teachers due to the fact that it will decrease teachers’ concentration on students and hurt their parents. While maybe paying teacher more money can be influential sometimes, in today's society it is not a good choice. (Okay, your points are well argued, but the questions is not asking you whether schools SHOULD raise teachers' salaries to improve education. It's asking you whether this is the BEST way to improve education. Your conclusion should be in the form of 'raising salaries is/is not the best way to improve education'. Of course you could argue with me that if raising salaries shouldn't be done then it obviously is not good, yes, but that you need to make clear to your reader, and you still need that comparison somewhere that says 'raising salaries is worse than xxx, so it's not the best way'. That's what I always mean by 扣题.)


Note:


It's either:


A teacher is an important part of education.


or:


Teachers from an important part of education.


or:


The teacher is an important part of education.


or (somewhat clumsily):


The teachers form an important part of education.


but definite NOT:


Teacher is an important part of education.


中文没有冠词。所以请格外注意。


总结：


词汇和说理上问题不大，除了说话比较累赘之外没有很大的弱点。。语法上单复不分the乱用和动词直译的现象比较严重。。另外就是注意扣题。。

zyrpigUID：2961710

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Only movies that can teach us something about real life worth watching


Movie serves as a mirror to reflect people’s thoughts, value, and opinion, playing an essential role in people’s life. Many people insist that people should not waste their time in watching movies that do not show audience real life story. However, I disagree with this contention and instead believe that the unreal stories in movie also worth watching. There are several viewpoints as follow.

Firstly, with the increasingly rapid-paced lifestyle in today's society, people need outlets to relieve themselves of the stresses from daily life. When seeking stress relievers, the majority of people will turn to some movies, such as comedy, for both entertainment and relaxation. Even though this kind of movie does not tell audience true stories, it does have some function helping people relax. When I was in high school, I suffered a lot from the huge amount of homework and various exams. Watching some comedies, such as Mr. Bean, offered me a reliever of pressure from my study. It not only helped me relax but also increase my efficiency on study.  Without these comedies, I would have lost some valuable stress relievers.


Furthermore, some movies that do not show the real life always express good virtue. Watching these movies enables people know some right ethics and standards, encouraging them become good person in society. For example, Avatar tells audience a wonderful story happened in another planet. Besides its fantastic scenes, it helps audience realize the importance of goodness and friendship. After watching this film, audience will be taught that they should trite others with respect attitude, which bring harmony in their life. Therefore, people who watch the movie about unreal life story will benefit a lot either from the themes or plots in it.

Finally, even though some movies do not show real life, they provide audience a great path to get close to art. Watching this kind of movie teaches people how to appreciate art, the most importance ability to be a well-balanced person. For instance, after watching the movie called Romeo and Juliet, I knew that if a movie owns high value of art, it needs balance all elements, dance, spoken dialogue, and songs. Gradually, watching various movies gives me an eye which enables me to see the beauty.  Learning how to appreciate art allows me realize the beauty in daily life more easily, adding color in my life.

In conclusion, the movie that does show the real life still worth watching due to the fact that it helps people relax, learn more valuable virtues, and know more about art.

mpromanusUID：2565872

3# zyrpig

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Only movies that can teach us something about real life are worth watching.

A Movie (这个我上一篇就给你改过的，可能你没有注意到，所以再说一遍：单数可数名词不能不加冠词单用。) serves as a mirror to reflect people’s thoughts, values, and opinions, playing an essential role in people’s lives. Many people insist that people should not waste their time in watching movies that do not show audience real life stories. However, I disagree with this contention and instead believe that the unreal stories in movies are also worth watching. (Well, you probably only noticed 'movies' and 'real life', but the question is about movies that can 'teach us something about real life'. It is not about movies that 'show real life stories'. A movie can be entirely fictional but it still teaches people about real life - <Forrest Gump>, for example. So you're basically arguing the wrong question already..) There are several viewpoints, as follows ('as follows' is a fixed expression, and is always singular. It is used in a similar manner to '(like) this/these': 'The reasons for my answer are as follows'.).

Firstly, with the increasingly rapid-paced lifestyle of today's society, people need outlets to relieve themselves of the stresses from daily lives. When seeking stress relievers, the majority of people will turn to certain movies, such as comedies, for both entertainment and relaxation. Even though this kind of movies does not tell audience true stories, it does have some functions helping people relax (Why not just say 'It does help people relax'..?). When I was in high school, I suffered a lot from the huge amount of homework and various exams. Watching some comedies, such as Mr. Bean, offered me a reliever of pressure from my studies. It not only helped me relax but also increased my efficiency on studies (And this is because?). Without these comedies, I would have lost some valuable stress relievers. (Right, but your point is not to argue whether comedies are good stress relievers or not. You are to argue whether these 'unreal' movies are as worth watching as other genres. You need to conclude that they are worth watching because they are valuable as stress relievers - yes, I know this looks like too obvious to write, but without this sentence your logic isn't complete. This sentence should appear either as the opening sentence of this paragraph, or the closing sentence of this paragraph. At the minimum, it must appear in the opening paragraph.)

Furthermore, some movies that do not show the real life always express good virtue. Watching these movies enables people to know some right ethics and standards, encouraging them to become good persons in the society. For example, Avatar tells the audience a wonderful story that happened in another planet. Besides its fantastic scenes, it helps audience realize the importance of goodness and friendship. After watching this film, the audience will be taught that they should trite? ('treat'?) others with respect attitude, which brings harmony in their lives. Therefore, people who watch a movie about unreal life story will benefit a lot either from the themes or plots in it. (Again, this needs to tie back to your question. I'll explain more in the summary.)

Finally, even though some movies do not show real life, they provide the audience a great path to get close to art. Watching this kind of movies teaches people how to appreciate art, the most important ability to being a well-balanced person. For instance, after watching the movie called Romeo and Juliet (There are at least two movie adaptations of Romeo and Juliet..I kind of wonder which one you watched.), I knew that if a movie is of high artistic value of art, it needs balance in all elements: dance, spoken dialogue, and songs. Gradually, watching various movies gives me an eye which enables me to see the beauty. Learning how to appreciate art allows me to discover the beauty in daily life more easily, adding color to my life.

In conclusion, the movie that does show? (I thought you were arguing for movies that 'don't show' real life..) the real life is still worth watching due to the fact that it helps people relax, learn more valuable virtues, and know more about art.

总结：

语法方面依然请注意冠词和单复数。语言方面你还是有一些因为直翻的倾向造成的用词不当。。

论述方面的问题一个是跑题。问题问的不是show real life的电影。。

另外就是依然是没有扣题。这次我详细地解释一下：

扣题的意思就是你要解释你的分论点和总论点的关系 - 一般是中间每段的开头和/或结尾。如果你在中间不说，那么至少要在起首段说一下。不可以全篇都是散的，等到结尾才来说，我做出这个结论是因为xx,xx和xx。。

换言之，你的文章结构应该是：

起首段：xxxxxxx, 总论点, and my reasons are 分论点，分论点，分论点, explained as follows.
中间段：(a)（首先/其次/最后）, 总论点 because 分论点. (b) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. (c)(所以/因此/由见）, 分论点 shows that 总论点. [中间每段或者开头写(a)句，或者结尾写(c)句，若你喜欢可以都写，但不应不写。]
结论段：（总的来说/总体上/总之）, because 分论点，分论点 and 分论点, I think 总论点.

而不是：

起首段：xxxxxx, 总论点. My reasons are as follows,
中间段：（首先/其次/最后）, 分论点. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
结论段：（总的来说/总体上/总之）, because 分论点，分论点 and 分论点, I think 总论点.

希望你看明白这两种结构的区别。再强调一次，不要因为 总论点 because 分论点 这样的话‘显而易见’就觉得没有必要。逻辑的要点在于圆满。

zyrpigUID：2961710

3# zyrpig

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Only movies that can teach us something about real life are worth watching.

A Movie (这个我上一篇就给你改过的，可能你没有注意到， ...
mpromanus 发表于 2011-4-14 23:35

谢谢国宝的大力帮助。
你说的结构是不是这样：

题目：人要吃饭。

总起段：
xxxxxxxxxxx。我的观点是人要吃饭，因为吃饭可以是我们长高，吃饭可以使我们保持精力充沛，吃饭可以让我们活命。如下说明我的观点。
分点一段：
首先，人要吃饭因为吃饭可以使人长高。xxxxxxxxxxxxx。因为吃饭可以使人长高，所以人要吃饭。
分点二段：
其次，人要吃饭因为吃饭可以使人保持精力充沛。xxxxxxxxxx。因为吃饭可以使人保持精力充沛，所以人要吃饭。
分点三段：
最后，人要吃饭因为吃饭可以是人活命。xxxxxxxxxxxx。由此可见吃饭可以使人活命，所以人要吃饭。
结尾段：
总之，人要吃饭因为吃饭可以让人长高，可以保持精力充沛，可以活命。


不知道我理解的对不对，如果是这样的话，文章中要写大量“因为。。。所以。。。”的句子，一段里面甚至要写两遍，开头和结尾那句也差不多，这样会不会太重复了？还是就是要这样子才能严密并形成模式化？

还有一个问题：Only movies that can teach us something about real life are worth watching.

这个题目我原来是理解的偏了，现在改成这样子对不对：
1：娱乐，帮助放松（Mr. BEAN）
2：可以让观众了解不同的文化，扩大知识面（Bruce Lee's action movies）
3：让观众更靠近艺术，学会欣赏艺术（把我之前写的罗密欧与朱丽叶的例子换成Alice in wonderland）


谢过国宝，实在感谢，辛苦~~

mpromanusUID：2565872

5# zyrpig



1. 我个人的原则是：开头和结尾中至少要有一处出现扣题的逻辑。这个规则适用于全篇的开头段和结尾段，也适用于中间每一段的开头和结尾。全篇来说，可以开头段列出三个原因，结尾段比较简略地提一次，或者反过来。中间段来说，开头和结尾可以只选一处写（我个人比较喜欢开头写）。

如果你觉得重复太多，做适当程度的改写rephrase即可。

2. 可以，请记住这些用来举例的电影还是需要描写成cannot teach us anything about real life, but still worth watching (because it may teach us something else).