argument117 V6站队 7.30

nickaaronleeUID: 183378

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The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'
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郁闷，写完了不当心把倒计时的网页关了，白写了，只好重新写一遍，开头和结尾就没再写，帮忙看看中间怎样，谢谢~~~

First of all, the survey mentioned in the argument in not sufficient to prove that the requirement of office-supply will increase. The arguer fails to provide the number of respondents in the survey. It is possible that only a few people took part in the survey, which means the results of the survey cannot stand for the majorities. Moreover, the fact that people are required to take more work home with them from the workplace does not necessarily justify that these people need more home office machines. It is possible that they just do some calculating or something like that on their computers. In other words, they do not take the work referring home office machines back to home. Thus, the survey alone is not adequate to justify the conclusion of the argument.

Furthermore, the arguer's assumption that their sales of home office machines and office supplies will increase is not sound. It is likely the prices of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines and so on are very high and those who take work back to home cannot afford them. Maybe they just do all these work in the office and use the machines in the company. Additionally, the company may provide those office supplies such as paper, pens and staplers for the staff. In this way, the staff need not buy these office supplies themselves. Also it is possible that the staff already have enough office supplies and they may not buy new ones any more. Therefore, the arguer's assumption of the increase of home office supplies is not sound.

Finally, the arguer assumes that their office-supply departments will become the most profitable component, which is weak. There may be other alternatives that cause ValuMart stores  not to achieve high profits. It is possible that the quality of the office supplies of ValuMart stores is not good, which lead the consumers to buy these supplies in other stores. Moreover some other stores may offer a discount of the office supplies recently and attract many customers to consume the office supplies in their stores. Also maybe the service of ValuMart stores is worse than other stores, which prevent people to buy stuff in ValuMart stores. Hence, the assumption that the office-supply departments will attain high profits of ValuMart stores is weak.

dr_greenUID: 193584

First of all, the survey mentioned in the argument in is not sufficient to prove that the requirement of office-supply will increase. The arguer fails to provide the number of respondents in the survey. It is possible that only a few people took part in the survey, which means the results of the survey cannot stand for the majorities. Moreover, the fact that people are required to take more work home with them from the workplace does not necessarily justify that these people need more home office machines. It is possible that they just do some calculating or something like that on their computers. In other words, they do not take the work referring home office machines back to home. Thus, the survey alone is not adequate to justify the conclusion of the argument.
终于有人不用一大串谁写都一样的反问句乐～～赞一个！！！

Furthermore, the arguer's assumption that their sales of home office machines and office supplies will increase is not sound. It is likely the prices of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines and so on are very high and those who take work back to home cannot afford them. Maybe they just do all these work in the office and use the machines in the company. 这句话更像是证明一楼观点“他们不需要在家用home office machines” Additionally, the company may provide those office supplies such as paper, pens and staplers for the staff. In this way, the staff need not buy these office supplies themselves. Also it is possible that the staff already have enough office supplies and they may not buy new ones any more. 这个可能性的证明我觉得还不是很充分 如果只说the staff already have叉叉, 那么首先你是承认了题目中trend的存在， 既然如此 没有理由不相信会有越来越多的人需要将work带回家 这样以前不需要在家用office machines的人就会出现；如果要用你这里的例子来证明“the staff need not buy”（again这个例子其实也是在证明body1的观点）那前提是要说明“将More work带回家的人仅限于特定的某些职业的某一群人”即人数不会增加；但是这种证明法就麻烦了；我写的时候就是因为这样 没办法就放弃了这个例子。。。 Therefore, the arguer's assumption of the increase of home office supplies is not sound.

从这一段来看 在证明过程中和第一段有很多重叠的地方；我觉得如果是证明their sales may not increase， 重点放在“市场需求的增加不等于Valu-Mart的销售业绩就会增加”上可能更好证明 比如说如body3提到存在更具优势的市场竞争对手叉叉－Mart 或者的Valu－Mart的服务太差（这个也可以从题目中提到office supplies department过去的业绩就不好得到支持）等等

Finally, the arguer assumes that their office-supply departments will become the most profitable component, which is weak. There may be other alternatives that cause ValuMart stores not to achieve high profits. It is possible that the quality of the office supplies of ValuMart stores is not good, which lead the consumers to buy these supplies in other stores. Moreover some other stores may offer a discount of the office supplies recently and attract many customers to consume the office supplies in their stores. Also maybe the service of ValuMart stores is worse than other stores, which prevent people to buy stuff in ValuMart stores. Hence, the assumption that the office-supply departments will attain high profits of ValuMart stores is weak.

总体来说 我觉得这篇的层次还不是很清晰 上下有重叠的地方 也导致body2的证明有点脱线了；另外在语言方面 我觉得句式和词组的运用不是很丰富 提到很多种可能性 其中差不多有一半都是以It is possible that来开头 另一小半以… may… ；再来就是从论证手法上说 基本上都是提出其它的可能性 建议可以适当加入一些揭示题目中各种逻辑关系的分析性的句子 特别是在ts的地方 可以用来代替is not sufficient, is not sound, which is weak这样很笼统的话。比如body2 先说市场需求增加并不能保证Valu的销售业绩可以提高，因为叉叉叉（逻辑上分析一下）然后举几种可能性
我的想法是这样的 如果是我搞错了我们短消息上讨论看看吧 我也是最近写完这篇 觉得写得很烂 所以赶快找几篇一样题目得来看看 ＝D 加油！！

如果你愿意 也帮我看看这篇吧 同样题目的 我第一次写argument 奋是郁闷啊。。。
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=307949
谢谢！！

nickaaronleeUID: 183378

谢谢dr_green 的意见，It is possible that来开头 另一小半以… may… 的问题我也挺苦恼，不知道如何避免：（