tmdxlp作文练习贴

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

第一次参加写作小组（6.1）

英语学习背景：
四六级均550左右通过。托福22，AW 3。觉得GRE填空，阅读都可以自己练，可以用正确率衡量自己的进步，唯独作文不可。作文，不管是中文还是英文，一直都是硬伤。

授权声明：
本人为寄托ID tmdxlp的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

下一次考G时间：7.10
请更新下次考试时间：

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

作文电梯楼：

3楼 6.1 Issue 7（全文/已点评/已修改）

6楼 6.2 Argument 1 (全文/已点评）

9楼 6.3 Issue 62 (全文/已点评）

10楼 6.4 Argument 14  (全文/未点评）

12楼 6.8 Issue 118   (第一段+中间两段/已点评）

13楼 6.9 Argument 78 （全文/已点评）

14楼 6.11Issue 33 （全文/已点评）

16楼 6.12Argument 28  (全文/已点评）

17楼 6.15Issue 65 (全文/已点评）

18楼 6.16 Argument 15  (全文/已点评）

19楼 6.18 Issue 122  (全文/已点评）

20楼 6.19 Argument 84 (全文/已点评)

21楼 6.22 Issue 59 (提纲/已点评）

22楼 6.23 Issue 34 (提纲/已点评）

28楼 6.23 Issue 15  (全文/未点评）

30楼 6.23 argument 52/35/128/129  (全文/已点评）

31楼 6.24 Issue 57  (提纲/已点评）

31楼 6.25 Issue 13  (全文/未点评）

32楼 6.26 Argument 71  (全文/未点评）

33楼 6.28 Argument 32 (全文/未点评）

41楼 7.13 Issue 15 (全文/已点评）

42楼 7.14 argument 32 (全文/未点评）

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

Issue 7:

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.
Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.

欢迎楼主加入 如果打算长期参与 可以加我微信tesolchina 我拉你进我们的群
建议写完后用汉语写点札记之类的文字 谈下过程 有没有计时 遇到的困难 总结等等 反正写汉语比较轻松
可以帮助我了解你的进展  


More and more governments have been providing funding for many kinds of art activities. The advocates claim that, by doing so, it flourishes the arts and makes the arts accessible for all people. Meanwhile, some people are concerned about that the government funding may be a threat to the integrity of the arts. I, personally, am inclined to the second statement. I believe, first, the arts can be accessible for all people with or without the funding from the governments; second, instead of flourishing the arts, the government funding may limit the diversity of the arts; third, the integrity of the arts may be threatened because of the government funding.

advocates of ...
flourishes the arts 貌似不及物动词
with or without  等于没说啊
diversity of the arts 这个概念题目里没有 你是作为integrity的具体演绎么但是后面又有讲integrity



To begin with, it may seem counter intuitive to state that art can be accessible to all people with or without government funding. After all, most people believe that they can to the museums for free or at low costs is because the museums are well funded by the governments. This is the case in China. The museums are well funded by the government, and most of the museums are also accessible for all people. Once these museums lose the funding from the government, they will not longer available for the public, or the tickets will increase dramatically in order to maintain the financial balance. However, in the US, most of the funding sources of the museums are from private donors, investment profit that made by the museums, and revenue of the gift departments. For example, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the one of the most famous museum in the world, visitors can pay what they want to pay to get in. Thus, without funding from the governments, as long as the museums are able to make good investment, attract private funding, they still can manage to make the museums accessible to the public.

你这段的主要意思是艺术可以依靠私人基金来支持 你的主题句要改一下 把私人基金这个点加进去
然后你however前面的内容太多了  让步一般一句话就ok


Second, government funding may not flourish the arts, but limit the diversity of the arts. It is unrealistic to think that the government will fund arts at all kinds, because government funding still has its cap. Thus, there will be some kinds of art forms are well funded and some are not. In this circumstance, the artists may only work on the arts that are highly funded by the government instead of the art forms that they really want to pursue. Moreover, The European governments did not provide any type subsidy for the art activities in 14th - 17th century, and yet, the arts flourished during that period, which is called The Renaissance. And now, when the governments are actively engaged in funding the arts, it is hard to find a painting or a theatrical play which is funded by the governments can be considered breathtaking, not to mention having another The Renaissance with the help of the government funding.
如前所述 diversity的概念如果不能和integrity关联起来这段就偏题了


Third, government subsidies may have negative effects on the integrity of the arts. It is common sense that we look into the funding source of a research paper to decide its credibility, because there may be sponsorship bias in its research result. For the same reason, when the artists receive government funding, they may use their arts to speak for the government. For example, most of the writers in China seldom criticize the government. One of the reasons is because most of them receive regular paychecks from the government. When they criticize the government, their funding which are from the government will be suspended. Thus, when the artists are unable to express their thoughts and only speak for the governments because of worrying to lose their government funding, the integrity of their arts will be damaged.

题目讲的是艺术 你却说research paper

总的来说 你写的还不错 句子什么的都挺通顺
但是在文章的观点层面 3个点之间的关联不够紧密  
中间第二段存在偏题的问题



To sum up, government funding for the arts are unnecessary. Arts can be available to the public through the private donors, good investment and management by the private sectors. Moreover, government funding may also limit, not flourish, the arts, and damaged the integrity of the arts.


________________________________________________________________________________________

(根据王老师的意见的重新修改版）

句子	学生                                                                           动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
More and more governments have been providing funding for many kinds of art activities.	结合问题指出现象
The supporters claim that, by doing so, it ensures art can flourish, and makes the arts accessible for all people.	总结一方观点
Meanwhile, some people are concerned about that the government funding may be a threat to the integrity of the arts.	总结另一方观点
I, personally, am inclined to the second statement.	表明自身观点
I believe, first, the arts can be accessible for all people without the funding from the governments; second, art can flourish when the governments leave it alone; third, the integrity of the arts may be threatened because of the government funding.	主旨句（总结3个段落）
To begin with, the art can be accessible to all people when it is able to attract the private funding and manage in a proper way.	主题句
This claim may sound somewhat counter intuitive.	让步
But, for example, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the one of the most famous museums in the world, receives most of the funding sources from private donors, investment profit that made by the museums, and revenue of the gift departments.	举例
Without the active involvement of the government funding, its admission cost is not skyrocket high.
On the contrary, visitors can pay what they want to pay to get in.
Thus, without funding from the governments, as long as the museums are able to make good investment, attract private funding, they can manage to make the museums accessible to the public.	回应主题句
Second, art can flourish when the governments leave it alone.	主题句
It is unrealistic to think that the government will fund arts of all kinds, because government funding still has its cap.	解释主题句
Thus, there will be some kinds of art forms are well funded and some are not.	解释主题句
In this circumstance, the artists may only work on the arts that are highly funded by the government instead of the art forms that they actually have passion for.	根据现象举例
Moreover, during the 14th - 17th century, the period when The Renaissance happened, the European governments did not provide any type subsidy for the art activities, and yet, the arts flourished anyway.	根据现象举出反例
But now, when the governments are actively engaged in funding the arts, it is hard to find a painting or a theatrical play which is funded by the governments can be considered breathtaking, not to mention having another The Renaissance with the help of the government funding.	（此段没有总结）
Third, government subsidies may have negative effects on the integrity of the arts.	主题句
It is possible that in order to receive the funding from government, the artists may have to speak for the government and result in sponsorship bias in their work.	说明反方造成的危害
For example, most of the writers in China seldom criticize the government.	举例
One of the reasons is because most of them receive regular paychecks from the government.
When they criticize the government, their funding which are from the government will be suspended.
Thus, when the artists are unable to express their thoughts and only speak for the governments because of worrying to lose their government funding, and their integrity of their works is been questioned.	总结
To sum up, government funding for the arts are unnecessary.	全文总结
Arts can be available to the public through the private donors, good investment and management by the private sectors.	重复3个主题句
Moreover, government funding may not ensure arts flourish.
Instead, it may damaged the integrity of the arts.

写作过程（根据王老师的要求补写）：写作的时候没有计时，基本都是写写停停。主要遇到的困难不是语言的表达，而是文章结构的组织。特别是文章的开头，总是觉得不知道如何下笔。对于中间的段落，自己有大量的话想说，却不知道如何归类。最后是文章段落语句的安排，还没有寻找的适合自己的模板，常常是 TS+for example+总结TS。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

tmdxlp 发表于 2015-6-2 02:10
Issue 7:

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the  ...

已点评

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-2 10:00
已点评

谢谢老师的点评，好开心。老师回复真的很神速啊！

另外，有两个问题想要请交一下老师。（不知道与老师的讨论是不是应该放在这里，若不是，还请老师告知和谅解）

1. 因为文章的题目是：政府资助能够促进繁荣，人人都能接触到艺术。政府资助，导致艺术失去正直性。（渣翻译，请谅解）

所以，我的思路是：1. 人人都能接触到艺术，就算没有政府资助。2. 政府资助只会导致文化不繁荣（缺乏多样性）。3. 政府资助，艺术失去正直性。结论，政府不要资助艺术。

不是很理解为什么第二部分会偏题，老师您是指我的重点应该放在“正直性”上面，而不是一直攻击 ”政府资助“的正面意义吗？

2. 关于research paper 的例子。我举research paper，主要是为了类比，主要是为了解释： 就好像research paper 的资金来源会导致research paper 有偏见，艺术资金的来源，也会导致这一个问题。

老师您觉得这个例子不恰当，是因为我举这个例子没有紧扣题目吗？谢谢老师。

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

1)
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

写作提纲：

1. Brim River 可能改变了形状，以前Brim River 可能不存在，也可能比较浅。
2. Palean 进入Lithos的方式有很多种。Palea 的船没有找到，不代表他们不会造。可能是因为没找着，也可能因为船已经分解了。Palean还可以造桥。
3. Palean basket 在Lithos的可能性有很多。Lithos自己去取的，其他村庄的人带过去的。

主要难点：
1. 语言组织。感觉argument比issue难。主要在于1）需要提炼信息，比如在文章开头和结尾的总结中，需要用简单地短语或语句概括主要信息。2）因为句子中包含的内容较多，感觉需要大量的写从句，导致语法错误的可能性加大，也容易把自己绕晕。
2. 逻辑层面的组织。不知道怎么分段落，上段和下段的反驳的点会有重合。


另外，文章没有限时，刚刚开始写，还在摸索模板中。

我觉得你总结的难点不错 但是你写得也不错 能说下写作过程么  有没有参考我的文章？或者其他资料？


In this argument, the archaeologists concluded that Palea was not the only place that made 这里应该用被动 the Palean basket. This conclusion was based on the recent discovery that Palean basket has been found in an ancient village, called Lithos, which was the city that 语法 across the Brim River from Palea. Moreover, the archaeologists stated that Palea was unable to cross the Brim River to get to Lithos, because no boat was found in Palea. The conclusion may seem valid at first glance, 用分号（断句问题） however, more evidence is needed in order to fully evaluate this statement.

总的来说写得还可以


The first (piece of) evidence that we need in order to evaluate the archaeologists’ claim is whether or not the Brim River was as same as that the archaeologists discovered today. The Brim River might have changed significantly during the long period of time. For example, if we have evidence that the Brim River did not exist during the period that Palean lived or the Brim River could be shallower and smaller than nowadays, which would allow Palean to across easily to get to Lithos without boat, it would certainly weaken the archaeologists’ conclusion. Thus, the archaeologists need to provide more evidence regarding the geographical change of the Brim River.

写得不错 最后有总结 主要动作都出来了  

Another evidence that we would need in order to evaluate this claim is the ways for Palean to get to Lithos. First, the archaeologists’ conclusion that Palean did not have boat to cross the river was merely based on (the fact) that no boat was found in Palea. However, it could be that the archaeologists have not found the Palean boat yet, or the boat that Palean made could be discomposed due to the long period of time. Moreover, Palean could have the ability to build the bridge to get to Lithos, so building the boat would be no necessary. If this were the case, the archaeologists’ argument would be weakened.

写的挺好 句子挺流畅  

Lastly, we would need to learn more information regarding the Palean basket that was found in Lithos. It could be that people in Lithos have the ability of building the boats, which would allow them to cross the river and to bring the Palean basket back to Lithos. Or, it could be that the Palean basket was brought in Lithos by people from other villages, which originally had gotten their Palean basket from Palea. Thus, if the archaeologists can provide evidence to rule out these possibilities, their argument could be strengthened.

这段有点问题 前面一个点 可以 没有发现Palean boats 也许有Lithoian boat  
第二个点关于其他村子的人就不太好

To sum up, the archaeologists need to provide more evidence to support their claim. They need to provide the geographical change of the Brim River, whether or not it have changed through the long period of time. They also need to provide evidence to rule out other ways for Palean to get to Lithos, and other possibilities regarding how Pelean basket may end up in Lithos.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

tmdxlp 发表于 2015-6-3 01:52
1)
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only  ...

已点评

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-3 15:26
已点评

谢谢老师的点评。关于我的写作过程是这样的：
1. 我先找到您对于argument写作的讲解（1，2，3），看了一遍。因为以前从来没有认真准备过AW，所以需要了解argument 的写作形式。
2. 我找了OG的范文，认真地读了一遍（Dr. Karp), 学习文章的结构。
3. 开始列出提纲，想好反驳的点，然后开始写作，写作所花的时间比较长，主要的原因是对于argument的写作方式和表达还不太习惯。

另外，在写文章的时候，没有参考过其他的文章。主要是自身的思维比较局限，若先看了别人的文章，就很难想出其他反驳的点。

另外想问一下老师，您说了”第二个点关于其他村子的人就不太好”指的是，我这种说法有点太绕，太吹毛求疵了吗？再次谢谢老师！

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

作文提纲：

观点：不同意。因为demands不是唯一的原因。
1. social structure 的影响。如果奥巴马并非出生在美国，无论demands 是怎么样的，他也不能成为美国总统。
2. education。知识造就leader. 奥巴马，JD，希拉里，JD。
3. DNA造就leader。

本来觉得自己写的道理十足，然后突然看到了王老师的微信，就发现自己似乎离题了。觉得觉得自己写issue 的时候，不应该引入新的观点，而是应该根据issue所说的进行批判或支持。例如这道题，我就引入了三个新的名词，social structure，education，nature（DNA）。其实这样是不对的，我应该根据题目去回应题目，解释什么样的情况demands能/不能造就leader，而不是说“demand不是唯一原因，其实还有其他原因”。不知道这样说对不对。（写完，修改完，在看到老师的文章，觉得自己的理解还是不到位）

可惜发现这点时，文章已经快写完了，实在不忍心删除。于是还是贴了上来。(注：红色部分是原文，黑体部分是感觉自己离题之后，活活生掰过来的修改之后的issue，不知道修改之后有没有区别，还请老师指点）

I do no agree with the statement “leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them”, because leader is not merely created by the demands. There are some other factors have influence on how a leader is created, such as social structure, education. Moreover, the statement also overlooks how nature, the genetic dispositions, influences the process of creating a leader.

To begin with, social structure plays a vital role in terms of creating a leader. People may argue that President Obama was elected to be the President of the United Stated was because people have demands that are placed on him. However, by saying so, it overlooks the structure of the society. The reasons why President Obama can be the leader of the United State was not only because people elected him or have demands on him, but also the social structure of the United Stated, the democracy. Imaging what would happen if President Obama were born outside of the United Stated. Can he still be the President of the United State? The answer is no, because the constitution forbids anyone born outside of the United Stated to be the President of the United Stated, no matter what demands that people have on him. Also, in a country that honors dictatorship, such as Singapore or North Korea, leader cannot be created by the demands, but from the inheritance. Thus, social structure has influence on how a leader being created.

Moreover, education also is one of the important factors that creating a leader. It is common sense that most leaders are well educated. For example, President Obama, the leader of the United State, received his JD from Harvard University. Hillary Clinton, one of the President Candidates of 2016, graduated from Yale Law School. They are all well educated and have the knowledge regarding how to manage the country. Thus, one of the reasons for them to be a leader is because they have the knowledge to make sure the country is going toward correct direction.

Lastly, besides the environmental factors, nature, also known as the genetic dispositions, has huge influence on the process of creating a leader. As we all known, our genetic dispositions are determined when the time we were born, and our DNA is slightly different with others. Because of these slight differences of our DNA, some people are born with good management sense or charisma, and these kinds of the qualities may make them to be a leader in the future. And some people are born with genetic defects, such as the tendency of developing serious personality disorder at a young age, it is hard for them to be a leader of any kind, no matter what demands have placed on them. Thus, nature also has huge influences on creating a leader.

To sum up, what creates a leader is no merely based on the demands. The social structure, a person’s education background, and the nature also involve in the process of creating a leader.

修改之后的提纲：
观点：不同意。demands 不能造就leader，因为法律，社会制度，和nature（DNA）的原因。
1. 法律的影响。如果奥巴马并非出生在美国，无论demands 是怎么样的，他也不能成为美国总统。
2. 社会制度的影响。独裁政体，领导是继承制的。
3. nature（DNA）的影响。如果一个人有personality disoder，不管demands怎么样，也不可能成为leader。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
I do no(t) agree with the statement “leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them”.	表明态度		no
A leader cannot be created by the demands when the law forbids demands to do so.	主旨句1
Moreover, social structure can also prevent a person from being a leader, no matter what demands are.	主旨句2
Finally, our nature, also known as the genetic dispositions, can prevent the demands from creating a leader.	主旨句3	就这个主旨句来看 我不太看好 demand和法律、社会结构乃至个人的先天条件未必是有冲突的
To begin with, demands cannot create a leader when the demands violate the law.	主旨句1
People may argue that President Obama was elected to be the President of the United Stated was because people have demands that are placed on him.	让步	这个例子有点意思 确实有人质疑过奥巴马的候选资格 斯瓦辛格就不是美国出生的
However, by saying so, it overlooks the influence of the law.
The reasons why President Obama can be the leader of the United State was not only because people elected him or have demands that are placed on him, but also the law of the United Stated allows him.
Imaging what would happen if President Obama were born outside of the United Stated.	例子
Can（could) he still be the President of the United State? The answer is(would be) no, because the constitution forbids anyone born outside of the United Stated to be the President of the United Stated, no matter what demands that people have on him.			这里要注意时态和语态
Thus, demands cannot create a leader because of the law.	总结	感觉这个思路还是不太好   有些牵强
Moreover, social structure can also prevent a person from being a leader, no matter what demands that people have placed on that person.	主旨句2	当题目说demand create leaders时并没有说不必符合其他的条件啊
In a society that honors dictatorship, such as North Korea, leader cannot be created by the demands.	举例
There is no democracy in North Korea, so its citizens have no right to vote.
Even if there were a person in North Korea has demands to place on that person, s/he still cannot be the leader of North Korea.
Because of their social structure, their leader is created by inheritance, not by the demands.
Thus, demands fail to create a leader when social structure prohibits it.	总结
Lastly, besides the laws and social structure, our nature, also known as the genetic dispositions, has the ability to prevent demands from creating a leader.	主旨句3
As we all known, our genetic dispositions are determined when the time we were born, and our DNA is slightly different with others.	举例
Because of these slight differences of our DNA, some people are born with good management sense or charisma.
Even without any demands, they may still manage a way to become a leader.
And yet, some people are born with genetic defects, such as the tendency of developing serious personality disorder at a young age.
It is hard for them to be a leader of any kind, no matter what demands have placed on them.
Thus, nature has overpowered demands for creating a leader.	总结
To sum up, demands have placed on a person cannot make that person to be a leader.	态度
The law, social structure, and our nature can involve in the process of creating a leader and forbid demands to do so.	复述主旨句

我觉得具体看你的中间段写得还是挺好的 有理有据 但是这道题在主旨句和主题句层面上已经有先天缺陷 感觉这种题目还是先提纲和我商量后再写全文比较好吧

你的提纲的问题不是离题 而是对题目的理解和处理有些不妥
你的例子里对于demand这个概念的细化有些牵强
你的主要意思是成为leader需要满足一些其他条件  否则 demand不能create leader  感觉这个并不能推翻原命题
而我的思路是 并不是demand create leader 而是一些其他因素create leader
感觉create和demand这两个词是这道题的两大死穴
其实应该一开始就说create这个说法不对

写作附注：写作时间约为50分钟，感觉应该可以更快。查找例子大概花了10分钟的时间，主要是看一下人名怎么拼写。然后感觉离题之后，修改花了大概半个小时的时间。

面临的困难：
1. 单词拼写。习惯了word的自动纠正，导致现在单词拼写常常出错，或者出现不会拼的情况。
2. 句子改写的困难。不知道怎么用不同的句子表达同一种意思。
3. 例子储备不足。没有总感觉没有足够的例子可以支撑自己的观点，比如商科领域的，科学领域的，所以常常只能把例子限定在自己熟悉的领域，也只能把issue往自己熟悉的领域上领。比如此次的观点，其实就是用了 社会学上的 nature Vs nurture的观点去写的。

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

14) The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

写作难点：除了上次提到的难点之外，还有一个难点就是“时态”。总是担心自己的时态运用的不对，需要不时的检查，以至于耽误写作时间。

写作时常：50分钟。

写作感想：觉得对于argument的写作结构和段落安排有所了解，希望下次能够进入到30分钟之内。

问题：王老师，我的写作结构是：从小到大：1. 即 participants 有没有真实回答问题。2. （让步）他们的回答能不能推出结论。3. （让步）结论能不能普遍化。我写完后，对比您的，发现虽然点都差不多（您的最后一点我没有提到），但是段落的安排不一样。不知道我这样的安排可不可以，还是应该像您一样，把最严重的错误放在第一位呢？谢谢

PS：文章修改的时候，参考了您的一些语句。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
In this argument, the article concludes that all companies, if they want to prosper, should hire people who only need to sleep less than 6 hours per night.	总结argument
This conclusion is based on a study that interviewed 300 executives in advertising field.	列出证据
The article has made a series of assumptions.	表明态度
First, it assumes that the participants were answered the questions honestly.	主题句1
Second, it also assumes that less sleep can cause higher productivity.	主题句2
Third, the study also assumes that its finding can be applied to all fields of business.	主题句3
To begin with, the study assumes that the participants were honest when answering questions.	主题句1
However, without proper information, we are unable to determine whether or not this assumption is correct.	说明错误原因
It is possible that the participants did not answer the questions according to their lifestyle, but their expectation for themselves.	假设1
Also, the way that the questions were asked might skew the result of the study.	假设2
For example, the researcher may ask the participants that if they intentionally sleep less than 6 hours per night in order to spend more time to work.	根据假设2举例子
Thus, based on the possibilities that listed above, it is unreasonable to apply the result in hiring process.	总结
Moreover, the study also assumes that fewer hours of sleep can result in better work performance.	主题句2
However, this assumption is unwarranted without further support.	说明错误原因
First, sleeping less than 6 hours per night does not mean the participants would spend more time at work.	观点1
It could be that they want to spend more time at gym or in the clubs.	根据观点1假设
Second, many factors have influence on job performance.	观点2
Participants who have higher productivity may have better support from their co-workers and have better relationship with their clients.	根据观点2 假设
It did not necessary to be the reason that they sleep less than others.	回应观点2
Hence, it may be unwarranted to assume that sleeping less than 6 hours per night can result in better job performance.	总结
Third, even if the results of the study are correct, the article cannot assume that finding of the study can be generalized to all business fields and all employees.	主题句3
The study interviewed only 300 executives from the advertising business, thus we do not have the information regarding the causation between hours of sleep and job performance of other positions or other business fields.	观点1
For example, a fitness training company might require its trainers to sleep more than 6 hours per night to make sure the trainers’ body in a good shape in order to attract more customers.	根据观点1举例
Thus, the assumption is overgeneralized.	总结
To sum up, the conclusion of the study is based on a series of unwarranted assumptions.	总结性表明观点
It is unreasonable to overgeneralize the finding of one single study to the hiring process of all business fields.	对观点进行说明
Thus, without further information to support the article’s assumptions, its conclusion may be invalid.	再次总结

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

测试

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

Issue113  
Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
In order to discuss this statement more clear, I would like to define the meaning of the “great nation” first.	提出概念界定		clearly
In my opinion, a great nation is a nation that has contributed huge positive impact of the modern society.	概念界定		contribute impact 搭配
Also, a nation that had made a great positive influence on history of human development can be considered a historical great nation.	概念界定		historically
Thus, based on the definition of the “great nation” that I made above, I consider that the surest indicator of a great nation is not represented by the general welfare of its people, but by the achievements that its elites have made contemporarily or historically.	表明观点/主旨句		indicator represented 搭配
To begin with, though general welfare of its people is something that every nation fights for, it cannot be considered as the surest indicator of a great nation.	主旨句1		fight for- strive for
As we know, not all nations have same amount of resources.	展开说明，为下文做铺垫		natural resources
Some nations, which have abundant of natural resources, may be easier to reach the goal of the general welfare of their people without making huge positive impact of our modern society.	原因说明		for some nations ,..., it may be easier to ...
For example, Canada, one of the welfare states of the world, has achieved its goal of general welfare of its all people	例子
It has universal healthcare for its all citizens, and its people are relatively wealthy.	补充说明
However, Canada is not considered a great nation of the international community, because it does not contribute any great impact, or play an important role, of our modern society.	点明矛盾
And its wealth is mainly from its natural resources.	回应之前的陈述		这句挪到前面一点好些吧
Thus, the welfare of its people is not the surest indicator of a great nation.	回应题目
Second, in the modern society,  a nation can be considered a great nation is because its contributions that made by its elites have huge positive impact to the international community.	主旨句 （这是主题句吧？）		considered as is  because 句子结构 made by语法
For example, it is undeniable that majority of people consider United State is a great nation, even though it has the highest GINI index among all developed countries and has no universal healthcare.	例子，点明矛盾		consider .. as
The elites of United Stated have been making huge positive impact to our modern society.	进一步说明原因
For example, the computer scientists of the United State provided us Internet that changed our way of communication fundamentally.	例子		互联网是物理学家发明的
moreover, one of its political leaders, Martin Luther Kings, helped us understand racial discrimination and justice in better way.	例子
Because the huge impact that its elites contributed to the world has made United State a great nation, the contributions of a nation’s elites are a better indication of a great nation.	主题句

按照老师说的，只写了开头，和中间的两段。时间还是50分钟。主要是因为在用词的选择上纠结了，对同义词替换的掌握还是很欠缺。

感觉思路还挺清晰的  段落展开也不错 语言表达问题多多  

你觉得这样列表分析和反馈有什么好处和不好处么

回复老师： 我觉得分析列表的好处是：1.通过总结自己每一句话，能够清晰的把握自己文章形成的套路。2. 句子点评和文章内容点评分开，能够直观的看到自己那一部分的内容不足，明确自己努力的方向。

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

78) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.
Recently, we signed a contract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

1. 写作时间：50分钟
2. 写作难点：A. 文章套路还是不熟悉。虽然自己总结了写作模板，但是还是不熟练。一不看写作模板，就开始纠结了。B. 用词很纠结。一下子warehouuse in PC，一下子warehouse in W，各种糊涂，各种纠结。

表格：表格用在argument上比用在issue上效果更大（用在issue上也很大），一下子就明白了自己的写作套路了。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
In this memo, the vice president suggests that the company, in order to save money, should only use Buzzoff as their pest control provider in all warehouses, even though Buzzoff charges higher service fee than Fly-Away.	总结statement
This conclusion is based on the evidence that the warehouse in Palm City, which is served by Fly-Away, had $20,000 pest damage last month, but warehouse in Wintervale, which is served by Buzzoff, had only $10,000 pest damage.	列出证据	这两句话貌似有点啰嗦 为了节省时间 建议写简洁一些
This statement may seem valid at first glance; however, more evidence is needed in order to better assess this statement.	提出观点	没有概括后面中间段的重点 请看一下我的1+3模型
The first piece of evidence that we need is the information regarding the conditions of all warehouses.	主题句
The vice president argues that the warehouse in Wintervale suffered less pest damage last month than the warehouse in Palm City; thus, Buzzoff does a better job than Fly-Away.	指出错误观点，方便下文反驳
However, The conditions of two warehouses might be varied so that the levels of pest damage are different.	反驳观点		might vary
For example, the warehouse in Palm City might be much larger than the warehouse in Wintervale.	例子，条件假设	这里提仓库大小实在不是一个最能集中要害的点 周围环境 气候等等更相关
As a result, it might be harder to manage, which might resulted in higher pest damage.	说明结果
Moreover, the warehouse in Palm City might store more food than the warehouse in Wintervale, so $20,000 pest damage is actually acceptable.	例子2	这里的重点不是是否acceptable 而应该引入percentage这个概念
Thus, if this were the case, it might weaken the vice president’s claim.	总结
Another piece of evidence that we need in order to evaluate the vice president’s claim is whether or not the environmental factors resulted in higher pest damage.	主题句
It is possible that  weather in Palm City, compared to Wintervale, is more suitable for pest last month, which might explain why the warehouse in Palm City suffered higher pest damage last month than the warehouse in Wintervale.	条件假设1
Moreover, it could be that the warehouse in Palm City is near a place which has more pest than other places, such as waste disposal center.	条件假设2
Thus, the vice president needs to provide the information regarding environment factors in order to justify the claim.	总结	这段写得不错
Lastly, we would need the vice president to provide more data in order to evaluate the claim.	主题句	more data about what?
First, we would like to know the pest damage in other warehouses, which are currently served by Buzzoff.	观点1
It is possible that other warehouses suffer much more severe pest damage than the warehouse in Palm City.	根据观点1进行假设
Morevoer, the vice president only provided one-month data of pest damage, which is far more enough.	观点2	上一句说的是other warehourses这句却说 one-month 明显衔接不上啊
Furthermore, the vice president failed to provide the service charge of two companies.	观点3	题目已经说了 Buzzoff贵些  要认真审题啊
It is possible that the monthly service charge of Buzzoff is higher than pest damage in warehouse located Palm City.	根据观点3进行假设
If this were the case, it might seem unreasonable to use Buzzoff as their only pest control company.	总结
To sum up, the vice president needs to provide more evidence in order to support the claim of using Buzzoff as their only pest control company.	文章总结句
The vice president needs to provide the conditions of the warehouses, the environment factors among all warehouses, and more data regarding pest damage and service charge.	再次总结3个要点

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

Issue 33

As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex and mysterious.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

写的快崩溃的。用了差不多1个小时。星期天还有一个职业技能考试，深深觉得，能够复习GRE真是一件美好的事情。

句子	学生动                  作总结	内容                                点评	语言                   点评
In the modern society, people value knowledge more than ever.	现象描述
We strive to learn more knowledge in order to comprehend the world.	现象描述
But some people argue that things, actually, become more complex and mysterious when people acquire more knowledge.	改写statement	这几句写的挺好
I, personally, believe that it depends on which group of people we are referring to.	表明观点
In fact, for general public, things become more comprehensible when they have more knowledge.	主旨句
Whereas for the scientists, things may become complex and mysterious when they acquire more knowledge, such as in the field of natural science or the field of social science.	主旨句		whereas后面不能跟主句 such as in 表达
To begin with, general public can comprehend things better when they acquire more knowledge.	主题句1		the general public
Most of people tend to care about things around them.	划定范围
Sometimes things seem mysterious and complex when people do not have answers for them.	解释主题句
But once people know more, the mysterious and complex things become understandable.	解释主题句	感觉有点冗长
For example, thousands of years ago, people thought thunder was mysterious and complex.	例子
In some places, they even believed that thunder was a result of the anger of God.
But as people gain more knowledge about the natural phenomenon, thunder was become one of the ordinary and comprehensible things to people.		这里是否应该简述一下雷电的原理 比如摩擦生电之类的
Thus, for ordinary public, knowing more can help them understand things around them better.	段落总结
For the scientists, who work in the field of natural science, the situation is completely different.	主题句2
They may find things more complex and abstruse when they know more since their research subjects are related to the advanced science.	现象描述
For example, scientists have found out DNA was one of the reason that people share some traits with their biology parents, such as similarities in appearance or personalities.	例子
But this finding did not make everything clear.
Instead, more questions came out, such as what information that DNA contained, and how DNA transmits the information, which have make things more mysterious and complex.
Thus, in the field of natural science, scientists tend to find things more confused and mysterious, when they acquire more knowledge.	总结
In the field of social science, the situation is much alike the field of natural science.	主题句3
While studying the society and the relationships among individuals within a society, social scientist may find that their research subjects are getting complex and mysterious.	解释主题句
Take psychology for example.	例子
Psychologists used to believe that Past Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was a result of traumatic experience.
After they study more, new findings came out and showed that PTSD could be a genetic disorder, too.
Despite of the endless resources that psychologists have put it and the knowledge regarding PTSD that they have acquired, the cause of the PTSD become more complex and mysterious for them.			despite后面没有of
Thus, social scientist may feel things are getting complex and mysterious when they have discovered more.	段落总结
To sum up, for the general public, they will find that things are getting comprehensible when they know more.	全文总结
But for the scientists, they would find that things become more complex and mysterious when they study more.
我感觉你这篇写得不错 如果在中间第一段也用后面的例子 可能会更好

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

tmdxlp 发表于 2015-6-12 04:15
Issue 33

As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex ...

请记得将具体楼层的链接回复到练习帖