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[i习作temp] ISSUE 10 请求指教有拍必会 [复制链接]

donkeywto
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-3-10 18:22:41 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

The speaker's view neglects that thoseareas out of major cities take important position in generating and preservingcultural traditions, in that he wrongly concludes that governments must meetthe financial requirement of the big cities needed to thrive.

I concede that some notable cities possessa great number of cultural assets. For instance, every individual living in Beijing is proud of those famous historical buildings likethe Greet Wall, the Summer Palace and so on. In anot dissimilar way, peopel share a opinion that Paris is a string place, since most top-rankfashion shows are hold there. After all, governments should take enough actionsto support these cultural traditions.

However, the city is not the only gardenthat the flowers of culture could grow and bloom, and is even not the mostsignificant one. To witness the development of cultural traditions, one needlook no further than the wide countryside of modern China, where most ofChinese historical traditions , such as the folk song and the national dresswhich have almost disappeared in cities , are preserved well. On the contrary,since the complete acceptance of the mercantilism, most urban people arecomplaining that the heavy work leave little time for them to enjoy thehappiness of reading , watching dramas and other kinds of cultural life. Inshort , the country is a better place for culture to develop than the city,deserving more government attentions.

In addition, the only time a person canclaim that governments should provide capital to cities for their cultural traditionsis when money is a determinant obstruction to the development of culturalpreserving and generating in cities. Empirical evidence tells us that what isimperative is not money but time.
According to a survey, in China, sales of publications allover the country arise two hundred percents at the Spring Festival in 2009 thanthe average amount in the same year. This example suggests that even thoughpeople have enough places, such as bookstores, museums and theaters, to attain spiritualjoviality, unfortunately they have no time to fulfill this mission. Culturaltraditions hardly survive in such environment.

In sum, the speaker's assertion is flawed.National cultural traditions can be well preserved and generated in thecountryside, and merely subsist in the major cities, in that providing uselesscapital to the city doesn’t help to preserve and generate the our cultural traditions.

Issue, 请求, 指教

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爱上千年的猫
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沙发

发表于 2010-3-10 22:33:05 |只看该作者

略微看了一下楼主的文:
1.结尾段写得有点像argu了
2.每一个观点的例子都是中国的，不知是作者有意为之吗？最后那个survey感觉说服力比较弱哟~
3.楼主的拼写似乎问题较多，很多该有的空格都没了，我觉得这是阻碍我仔细看你文章的主要原因，呵呵~~

不过楼主的思路还是比较清楚的，每段首句都交代了该段观点，接下来使用例子论证，算是中规中矩之作了~~

欢迎楼主回拍：

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1069609&extra=

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【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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zhufengch
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板凳

发表于 2010-3-11 23:03:54 |只看该作者

复制到word里看了看，几点拙见在下面的文中插入了；同时同意“沙发”所指出的几点建议；尤其注意其中的第1，3点建议；语言功底很好，一同努力。同时感谢批改我的作文，欢迎为其余那几篇提出建议。
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1069541-1-1.html

The speaker's view neglects that those areas out of major cities take important position in generating and preserving cultural traditions, in that he（第三人称要避免；同时不能确定he 还是she） wrongly(这类词汇尽量避免) concludes that governments must meet the financial requirement of the big cities needed to thrive.

I concede that some notable cities possess a great number of cultural assets. For instance, every individual living in Beijing is proud of those famous historical buildings like the Greet Wall, the Summer Palace and so on. In a not dissimilar （这个双重否定的具体意义是？这样用是不是有点狠了）way, peopel share a opinion that Paris is a string place, since most top-rank fashion shows are hold there. After all, governments should take enough actions to support these cultural traditions.

However, the city is not the only garden that the flowers of culture could grow and bloom, and is（可去掉） even not the most significant one. To witness the development of cultural traditions, one need （needs） look no further than the wide countryside of modern China, where most of Chinese historical traditions , such as the folk song and the national dress which have almost disappeared in cities , are preserved well. On the contrary, since the complete acceptance of the mercantilism, most urban people are complaining that the heavy work leave little time for them to enjoy the happiness of reading , watching dramas and other kinds of cultural life. In short, the country is a better place for culture to develop than the city, （加thus凸现逻辑性）deserving more government attentions.

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[i习作temp] ISSUE 10 请求指教 有拍必会 [复制链接]

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[i习作temp] ISSUE 10 请求指教有拍必会 [复制链接]