同是菜鸟,与君互勉
分析一下这篇文章,它的结论是“we should stay in century-old traditionof all-female education rather than admit men into its programs”,它的论点有1: ”eighty percent of studentsresponding to a survey want to remain all female”, 2: “half of the alumni who answeredthe survey opposed coeducation”,并且举了目的 1: “to improvemorale, 2: “keep support from alumni”
提纲:
1、调查本身可信度不够
2、即便调查可信,提供的信息没有说明具体的问题,过于抽象
3、推出的结论没有依据:improve morale among students and convincealumni to keep supporting the college
4、也没有提供其他解决方案 [觉得这个似乎关联不大。]
[我觉得可以攻击,对于现在学生,和校友的调查未必能表明潜在入学人群的偏好]
[另说,老师的调查是不是也能攻击呢?就是指出,招收男生也未必会导致入学人数的增加]
In this argument, the president and administrative staff of Grove Collegerecommend to the college's governing committee that Grove College shouldpreserve its tradition of all-female education. To support this assertion, theycite evidence of two surveys conducted in [among the] students and alumni.However, I find their evidence is not supportive as it seems.
First of all, the argument fails to provide us sufficient informationconcerning the details of the two surveys, which undermines the credibility ofthem. Information such as the quantity of the samples, whether they arerepresentative, whether they expressed their opinion at will instead of beingforced, the time span between the two surveys and so forth, affects theaccuracy and credence of a survey. For example, if the surveys only coverlimited numbers of the students or alumni at Grove College, or if they hidtheir true opinions when took part in these surveys, or the two survey wereconducted in different time, they could not support the arguers' opinion asstrongly as they should be.
[觉得可以就这个作为主要的一点展开,因为文中提及students和alumni的人数都是在responding和answered当中的百分比,而并没有提及not responding和not answered的人群的意见,可以这么说“Under the extreme circumstances, there are far more current studentsand alumni who have not responded to this survey, which denotes that these twosurveys are not on the behalf of the majority of students and alumni.”]
Secondly, the author overlooks the different and exact opinions between facultymembers , students and alumni. The argument only mentions about the percentageof supporting or not, but fails to provide more details why these people chooselike that, which undermines the effectiveness of the arguer's suggestion. Thatis to say, it gives no description about both the positive and side effects ofthe two ways of accepting students. If the school's administrator could notfind the definite and true reasons of people's choices, it is unlikely for themto make any decision.
Besides, the assumption that keeping the college all-female will improve moraleamong students and convince alumni to keep supporting the college financiallyis unwarranted. No evidence such as these quotations of these people isprovided in the argument, so that it could not convince me to believe that.
[觉得这一段很单薄,因为我也不知道该怎么办,我摘录了北美范文的一段话“This aspect of Grove's admission policy is only oneof many factors that might affect alumni donations. For example, since Grove'sfaculty are generally in favor of changing the policy, perhaps the change wouldimprove faculty morale and therefore the quality of instruction, in mm having apositive impact on alumni donations. And, if the particular alumni who are in aposition to make the largest contributions recognize faculty morale as important,an increase in donations by these individuals might very well offset a declinein smaller donations by other alumni.”]
What' more, the arguer unreasonably leave out all the other methods toattract more students to Grove College except the admitting tradition. In fact,other factors, such as the location of a college, the quality of faculty, therank among all colleges, [and] the charge for fees and so on, will also betaken [into] consideration when students choose their desirable schools. Onlyconsidering the admitting rule if far from sufficient.
[觉得你最后一个的着力点不是很好..是不是可以把这段删掉然后重点展开前面的呢?]
To sum up, the argument is not as reasonable and well-rounded as it seems. Ifthe author wants to make it more reliable and persuasive, he/she should providemore details about the two surveys, talk to some students, faculty and alumnipersonally to find out the hidden reasons for their choices and prepare otherproper methods to attract more students for Grove College as well.
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语法错误看到的真不多,提了一下结构和想法上的意见,也可能是不对的
一些浅见,欢迎交流