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[习作点评] 【开个临时的作文修改铺】再强调一遍求修改作文要附上自己的提纲+原题目~~~~~~~~~ [复制链接]

一木菩提
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-8-7 12:16:18 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由一木菩提于 2010-8-7 15:19 编辑

还有10天就飞了...之后一段时间应该会比较忙
所以这段时间就帮忙改篇改作文，一天1~2篇，发挥下余热吧...

个人背景：
07 10G， 590+790+4 比较中庸的成绩
理工科，英文不华丽，不过逻辑不错。
所以我改的时候就以结构为主了...

一服务人群：
1互改小组的组长
鉴别方式：跟帖中把小组活动的大帖链接贴出来
如果你没有组队，可以参考这个链接自己组队哦https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1095482-1-1.html
然后回复此帖，以小组大帖或招募贴的链接占座，我会很高兴改的
2新人，这里新人定义为在寄托作文版发习作贴不超过3篇的。初来乍到，鼓励下，也希望好好备考~~
鉴别方式：直接跟帖就好，发帖纪录都可以被搜索到的
3热心版友
鉴别方式：声望大于10好了, 直接跟帖，这个地球人都看得到

4其他的版友也可以跟帖，反正每天1~2篇的quota，用完为止不用浪费
只不过前面的几种板油会优先些，大家体谅下...

二参与办法：
回复此贴，并按照一中所述鉴别方式贴出相应的链接或直接占位。
之后帖上你习作或习作的链接。我改完会pm你的。

三习作格式
1自己写完请在word中进行拼写检查
2每篇习作要复制上issue/argument的原题，并且附上自己的提纲
3习作具体格式请参照 https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=613293&highlight=

再强调一遍求修改作文要附上自己的提纲+原题目

麻烦大家了~~~

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沙发

发表于 2010-8-7 12:19:35 |只看该作者

还有10天就要离开伟大的祖国了。。诚心建议多吃好吃的。。尽情的玩
上飞机那一刻好日子就结束了～

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人生有些决定是大胆的，但是那并不代表这些决定是错误的。

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板凳

发表于 2010-8-7 12:30:50 |只看该作者

本帖最后由谦行天下于 2010-8-7 13:07 编辑

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1124634-1-1.html

我以我们组的大贴占个座。。。。

一木菩提：

你好！
我准备了一篇习作，前天写的，我新开了一个帖子~~~
链接如下：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1135320&extra=
请赐教！

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像蜗牛一样往前爬！

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地板

发表于 2010-8-7 15:00:04 |只看该作者

本帖最后由一木菩提于 2010-8-7 15:16 编辑

Issue221——小谦
本帖最后由谦行天下于 2010-8-7 13:07 编辑

221"The chief benefit of the study of history is to break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history."

提纲：认为历史的作用不在于告诉人们：人类是不变的。人类的生活方式和观念一直在改变
1.心理历史学家从心理学的角度分析历史是不变的
2、但是，心理历史学家忽略了除人以外的影响历史的因素，如人类生活方式的改变
3、除了生活方式以外，人的观念也在发生着变化
4、即使是生活在一个时期的人们，不同国家的人们之间依然存在着变化
总结：不存在这个illusion

To reviser，不知道我有没有跑题~~可能又一点额~~~没有着重在历史的作用去写！

History which is regarded as the teacher of human lives and politics->, regarded as the teacher of human lives and politics, is always emphasized by whom? . Traditional historians narrate history answering these questions: 'what happened', "how did it happen " and "why did it happen？”. These questions which differ from event to event emphasize changes and development. But in the early of 19th centuries, there is a new branch of history called psychohistory, which answers the question "why did it happened" using psychological method. The method assimilates all the events, past and present to a signal law in psychology.
这里你introduce 了一个概念，心理历史学家，首先顺着你的思路来。我觉得有2点要完善：
1在引入概念之前，就是these questions differ from event那句前后，最好把题目的讨论范围引出来：即通过历史研究，人到底变不变这个辩题要提出来。这样才能叫引入了问题。
2引入心理历史学家这个概念之后，需要明确提出你的总观点比较好，因为这毕竟是首段，而不是body。我比较欣赏开门见山，希望ETS也是如此，哈哈。

至于心理历史学家这个概念值不值得引入，文末我再分析，这里如果反对了你的整个论证就断了。

Psychohistorians who are committed to Freudian psychoanalysis focus on the 去掉好些 individuals who made the history. They abandon all the other factors contributed to history such as? 这里all other factors不明确, but using（use） this or that incidence in a historic person's childhood to analyze history. Psychohistory simplify the complex individual events to human's signal determinism that is presumed to be true in all times and in all circumstances. Thus, it proves that people in one period of time are no different from people who lived at any other time in history. 这一段内部的问题是缺乏top sentence, 相信你不是想做科普说历史心理学家是什么。所以我建议你在本段首句前加一句你提纲里的那句话“心理历史学家从心理学的角度分析历史是不变的”

However, it is partial to view history as psychohistorians do because a myriad of other factors contribute to the history, which makes people changes. After the invention of computer, the internet appeared and has dramatically changed our life style. The cavemen worn animal skin, wandered around to predate an animal to survive. People aggregated to form a city, lived in firm house safely. Nowadays people order food, date woman and work through internet that they do not even need walk out there home. These life style changes certainly changes the psycho world of human which shake the psychohistory.

Moreover, from the psychological insight, the faith and value in people's mind is changing, too. Due to the hard working of the churchman, the Christianism has spread from the western countries to China. It is not surprise to find a lot of Christians in Beijing, but now in those undeveloped small town I found a lot of farmers are loyal to the God.这里只说明了有很多教堂，不过离你论证的思想变迁还是差一小步，可以加上一句，现在很多人虔诚地相信基督教和上帝，而很多年以前，他们却以为西方是一个野蛮的未开化的地带。这些年来，思想已经发生了巨大的变化云云。 It is not hard to imagine the utter changes in people's mind. Take another example, the feminism which aimed at greater right and legal protection for women has proceed for more than one hundred years and has changed women's society status significantly. Thus, these examples show that people's thought are changing.
  这一段你说明了people's thought are changing，要注意例证完了最好把例子和你的论点衔接起来，用一两局话套上去。即段中我提到的蓝色部分。

Not to mention people living in different time, their thought and live styles are changing. Even in the same period, people think and behave differently because of different culture. Chinese respect elder citizens but this respect is not obvious in western world. While people in USA promote the personal achievement, the Chinese use the Mean of Confucian as the criterion.

From all the analysis above, we can conclude that people are different in the history, in their live style and in their thought. The study of psychohistory which assimilates people in history to a simple mode by the Freudian psychohistory is untenable. The history is hardly to repeat.

  OK,顺着你的思路把文章扫了一遍。段内论证的小问题还是衔接: 1 首段最好摆出自己的观点 2 top sentence要直接表明意图，不要跳跃，到差一步的地方就不说了（body1）。3段内例子摆完了要分析，套到top sentence上去。不要简单的陈述一个例子+restate conclusion（body2）。这个你以后注意下。

下面我来谈谈全篇的布局。老实说我感觉你偏题了。
221"The chief benefit of the study of history is to break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history."
一般一个issue题目，你可以理解成如下的形式范围+attitude：一个讨论的主体/范围/对象加上题目本身对此的一个态度。
这里的范围就是"study of history"，题目的attitude则是“people are the same during all historical period”
你在写的时候，态度可以随意，完全同意/完全反对/部分同意/分情况讨论/ 都行。
但是范畴不要超出它给定的，要从历史研究这个方向去展开--即我们研究历史的时候，得到的结论人在各个时期是否是一样的呢？这是我的看法。

其二，你引入心理历史学家的位置，我觉得有点突兀。原题的立场ppl are all alike in different historical periods并没有特指一群人。你引入这个概念 hmmm让我觉得有点白马非马的意思... 黑马是马马是黑马然后白马就不是马~
即故意把论断缩小到某一个范围，这样做不是不可以，偷换概念就是这样的，但是太明显了就会生硬。
或者你可以试着这么入题:
人们在各个历史时期是否是一样的呢？有些历史学家通过什么手法，利用什么技术，忽略了哪些因素，单纯从童年和心理角度去分析历史人物（把对心理历史学家的描述直接用上，而不直接引入这么个名词）最终得出了这样的结论。
不可否认这样的分析在其给定的前提下是合理的，然后他们却忽略了方面1，方面2（把你body3，4的point用上）；这两个因素导致事实上他们的结论不成立。人们在不同时期变化很大。balabalabala....

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5楼

发表于 2010-8-7 15:02:21 |只看该作者

3# 谦行天下
done~~

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6楼

发表于 2010-8-7 15:10:23 |只看该作者

我26号就要考试了，麻烦您帮我看看，感激不尽
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1135378&extra=

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7楼

发表于 2010-8-7 15:11:34 |只看该作者

我26号就要考试了，麻烦您帮我看看，感激不尽
我写的是issue 38：
in the age of television, reading books is not as important as it ones was. people can learn as much by watching television as they can by reading books.
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1135378&extra=

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8楼

发表于 2010-8-7 15:15:22 |只看该作者

7# aowei
hmm...请你把自己的提纲也一并列出来好么？在原习作帖编辑即可

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9楼

发表于 2010-8-7 15:16:27 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 yaoxi28 于 2010-8-7 15:29 编辑

新人~~可否直接贴习作~~？

题目：ISSUE112 - "Some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore their own emotions."
提纲：
1.intellectual education不可缺。1）对个人：帮助工作 2）对社会：需要大量各方面人才
2.我们过于重视intellectual education，举例：中国现行教育制度
3.重要：先成人后成才
4.缺少intellectual education不行，举例：亚里士多德

The speaker asserts that it is more beneficial for students to not only be taught to develop their capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but also explore their own emotions. The statement is certainly correct insofar as give equal importance to intellectual development and emotional development.

To begin with, it is indisputable that intellectual education contributes greatly to the individual student as well as the whole society. In the respect of a single student, the development of his or her capacity for reasoning and logical thinking always playing a great role on whether he or she will get a good job and achieve accomplish on it, which is the guarantee of a pleasant life. In the respect of our society, it needs a multitude of talents who are good at reasoning and logical thinking to make it operate properly, stable and harmonious. Without wise brains in different kinds of areas, the society can't survive, not to speak of developing. Above is also the reason why countless money is invested on the education by the government. Thus, it is important for students themselves as well as the society to emphasize the development of students' intelligence quotient.

However, unfortunately, nowadays we are overstating the mentality of students but underestimate the importance of the emotional education. For example, Chinese educational systems, especial primary and secondary schools make the capacity for reasoning and logical thinking of a student the unique purpose of education. The reason is compelling and comprehensible; every student wants to be accepted by a good university, which is also the desire of the parents and school. Needless to say, pursuing the intelligence quotient is a shortcut for the dreaming school for students. But look at the increasing numbers of the suicide, psychological disease and juvenile delinquency result from too much stress, you will not want to be blind to the emotional education, which can help one build up correct views on life and values and thus, get rid of emotional problems.

In reading this statement, one might argue as follows: "I know that cultivating emotions contribute greatly to arts, but I don’t think it enables me to earn more money to feed my family, nor can it add GDP of our country.” It is true, but what is the real purpose of education? Is it to produce a quantity of “studying and working robots”? Or make everyone has the value of honesty, self-discipline and personal responsibility? As an old Chinese saying goes, “a child should learn to be a human first and then, a talent.” Thus, education systems should place sufficient emphasis on the cultivation of emotions instead of blindly seeking intelligence quotient.

Moreover, one could pay a heavy price due to the ignorance of emotional education even if he or she has mastered the reasoning and logical thinking as well as possible. Taking Aristotle as an example, who was one of the most important founding figures in Western philosophy, could not control his emotions and ended up with suicide. Even the great philosopher with high IQ can’t deal with his emotional problem well enough, let alone we modern social animals who are crowing ourselves to keep up with the quickening pace of contemporary life.

In the final analysis, without the cultivation of intellection, we can’t own a prosperous society. Without the education on emotions, one can’t have a perfect human dignity. In my view, the education systems should pay equal emphasis on them because they are inseparable and complementary in cultivating a really qualified talent.

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10楼

发表于 2010-8-7 15:24:03 |只看该作者

今天就修改ls的三位了
请明天同一时间继续关注。从东八时间早上6：00以后开始最早的符合要求的2位~~~

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11楼

发表于 2010-8-8 11:50:56 |只看该作者

题目：ISSUE112 - "Some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore their own emotions."
提纲：
1.intellectual education不可缺。1）对个人：帮助工作 2）对社会：需要大量各方面人才
2.我们过于重视intellectual education，举例：中国现行教育制度
3.重要：先成人后成才
4.缺少intellectual education不行，举例：亚里士多德

The speaker asserts that it is more beneficial for students to not only be taught to develop their capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but also explore their own emotions. The statement is certainly correct insofar as give equal importance to intellectual development and emotional development.

To begin with, it is indisputable that intellectual education contributes greatly to the individual student as well as the whole society. In the respect of a single student, the development of his or her capacity for reasoning and logical thinking always playing a great role on whether he or she will get a good job and achieve accomplish on it, which is the guarantee of a pleasant life. In the respect of our society, it needs a multitude of talents who are good at reasoning and logical thinking to make it operate properly, stable and harmonious. Without wise brains in different kinds of areas, the society can't survive, not to speak of developing. 这一段你并列说明了对个人，对社会，intellectual ability很有用。但是呢，就是两个并列的assertion，没例子，也没有具体分析为什么有用。后面without那句严格来说也不算论证，其实是这个套路：A很有用，没有A就不行。这其实是在外面画圈圈，为啥A有用，为啥离了A就不行？没有深入进去。Above is also the reason why countless money is invested on the education by the government. Thus, it is important for students themselves as well as the society to emphasize the development of students' intelligence quotient.

However, unfortunately, nowadays we are overstating the mentality of students but underestimate the importance of the emotional education. For example, Chinese educational systems, especial primary and secondary schools make the capacity for reasoning and logical thinking of a student the unique purpose of education. 这个for example还是不够具体，这是在陈述一个中国教育系统一元化教育。我觉得最好再加上学校从早上到晚上都是数理化课程，音乐艺术课程被取缔，成绩好的学生就是标兵和3好学生。etc. 这样就有具体的画面感了。而不是你的陈述。 The reason is compelling and comprehensible; 如果这一段开头蓝色的部分是你的中心句，那么为什么我朝把教育体制搞成这个样子并不是这段的重点。你需要分析的是，他的现状，然后这个现状带来了什么影响every student wants to be accepted by a good university, which is also the desire of the parents and school. Needless to say, pursuing the intelligence quotient is a shortcut for the dreaming school for students. But look at the increasing numbers of the suicide, psychological disease and juvenile delinquency result from too much stress, you will not want to be blind to the emotional education, which can help one build up correct views on life and values and thus, get rid of emotional problems.

In reading this statement, one might argue as follows: "I know that cultivating emotions contribute greatly to arts, but I don’t think it enables me to earn more money to feed my family, nor can it add GDP of our country.” It is true, but what is the real purpose of education? Is it to produce a quantity of “studying and working robots”? Or make everyone has the value of honesty, self-discipline and personal responsibility? As an old Chinese saying goes, “a child should learn to be a human first and then, a talent.” Thus, education systems should place sufficient emphasis on the cultivation of emotions instead of blindly seeking intelligence quotient.这一段给我的感觉...反问是个不错的句式，但是反问完了没有分析，还是不知道ETS会怎么看待这段，会不会觉得是assertion。如果你觉得举实例没必要，这段可以用比喻，或者其他的论证方式，展开一下，然后下一段moreover从反面论证。这样正反结合就蛮好了。

Moreover, one could pay a heavy price due to the ignorance of emotional education even if he or she has mastered the reasoning and logical thinking as well as possible. Taking Aristotle as an example, who was one of the most important founding figures in Western philosophy, could not control his emotions and ended up with suicide. Even the great philosopher with high IQ can’t deal with his emotional problem well enough, let alone we modern social animals who are crowing ourselves to keep up with the quickening pace of contemporary life.最后这段，我觉得例子不太恰当倒是...聪敏过头自杀的太多了...有句话怎么说了来着，学业好同时品德好那是优秀品；学业不好品但德好那是合格品，学业不好，并且品德也不好那是次品；而学业好但品德不好的，那是危险品。你最好举几个危险品的例子，就是品德不好，但能力出众，那危害社会起来就是大祸害了。老实说熊猫烧香病毒的作者这个例子，我觉得不错。当然这是个人意见了。

In the final analysis, without the cultivation of intellection, we can’t own a prosperous society. Without the education on emotions, one can’t have a perfect human dignity. In my view, the education systems should pay equal emphasis on them because they are inseparable and complementary in cultivating a really qualified talent.

OK.全文分析完了。我总结一下我的意见。
首先你段落之间的衔接和布局是很好的。很清晰。所以这会是一篇reader-friendly的essay。考官不用费劲去猜测你的思路。
这点我建议发扬。

具体段内论证，我觉得还是要一步一步来，不要跳跃，所谓老外逻辑的意思，很多时候就是像数学证明一样（虽然没这么严谨），一步一步推过来。有时候我们觉得很显而易见的事情，还是要过渡一下说清楚的。不要跳跃，这个不能像高考作文那样煽情下什么的就高分了。具体的你自己体会下，恩。

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12楼

发表于 2010-8-8 13:33:44 |只看该作者

不好意思啊，
我已经加了提纲进去，谢谢啦
当时写的急，也担心排不上号，都还没有仔细看自己的文章就发上来了
给您添麻烦了，估计看得您是火冒三丈
我又重新改正了一遍
希望您能给点意见
见谅
8# 一木菩提

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13楼

发表于 2010-8-8 13:35:43 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 forkid 于 2010-8-8 14:22 编辑

ISSUE 1: We can usually learn much more from people whose views we share than from people whose views contradict our own; disagreement can cause stress and inhibit learning.

提纲：
立场：反对

开头：提炼问题——作者观点——反对——理由：1）不同角度的观点对知识是一种完整和丰富的过程 2）学习的不只是知识，还有争论和说服的技巧和心理上的成熟

第二段：不同角度的观点对知识是一种完整和丰富的过程
分析事物具有的两面性——同样观点不利于对事物认识的全面——相反观点有利于事物全面——事实上，科学正是通过不同观点间的争论而进步，举哲学观点发展的例子——总结

第三段：不同角度的观点可以让我们学到更多
争论的技能——说服的技能，演讲者的要领为例——心理素质的培养：1）允许其他观点的存在 2）控制自己的情绪——相同观点会引起奉承，像井底之蛙——总结

第四段：简单驳题目中的后一句话。结合第二和第三段。

结尾：有相同观点的好处有鼓励等，但不同观点可以完整知识，培养我们争辩，说服和控制自己情绪的技能。所以，从不同观点处学的更多。

Who can we learn more from, those opponents or supporters? The persons whose ideas are in accord with ours, as the speaker claims.  I disagree with this statement, as contradictive opinions can give birth to a more thorough and comprehensive understanding of the issue. Furthermore, through the discourse and debate with our opponents, we start to learn the necessary skills of persuading and debating.  Also, we get matured along this process.

Just like every coin has two different sides, almost all the things on the earth are too complex to be explained from one side.  Those who share the same idea as ours can only ice on the cake.  No matter how much we learn from supporters , what we do is just let a one-branch-rooted tree grow higher.  However, this tree can be easily pushed down by force.  On the contrary, the persons whose ideas are opposed to ours can inspire us to look into the other side of the issue, and therefore lead to a complete picture of it.  Actually, the development of science is based on doubts, rather than simply accepts the existing theories or experiment results.  For supporting example, we might retrospect the advancement of philosophy mentioned in the book “Susan’s World.”  Usually, one concept appeared, and later came the opposite one. Then, a new opinion, swallowing both the ideas before, shaped. It is obvious the third concept is more complicated and closer to the fact as well.  But as the time went on, the fourth idea opposed to the third one will appear, and later came a fifth united  one.  Through this process,  the concept concerning is developing.  Therefore, contradictive opinions serve to complete the issue.

Besides, we may also learn the skills of persuading and debating from our opponents.  “Selling ideas is a kind of art.” This claim is true especially when the listeners hold the opinions contradictive to ours. As the saying goes, “Practice makes perfect.” Only though face to face debate with our opponents can we learned this kind of communication skills.  What’s more, we are getting matured though this kind of dialogue: Being patient to listen to other’s opinions, tolerant to accept the different voices, and skillful to control our temper.  Contrarily, the supporters can give us nothing but the sense of success.  It is easy for us to become “frogs under the well” under such flatters.  In sum, discussions with the people whose views contradict our own offer us excellent chances to improve our communication skills besides the knowledge enrichment.

Admittedly, undue disagreement can cause stress and impede our learning to some extent.  The key to reduce this side effect is to discuss more frequently with our opponents, and then we will get used to the depression arguments might bring.  Aftermath, we can enjoy the discussion and find the flaws and weakness in our own opinions.

Supporters give us courage and confidence, which is important when we are green hand in a new field.  However, both the personal growth and science development are a torturing journey.  The courage alone cannot bring us to the bank of success.  Contradictive opinions can help us get a complete picture of the issue we concerned, and the heart as well.  Therefore, we can learn more from the people whose views contradict our own than those who hold the same to us.

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14楼

发表于 2010-8-8 13:51:24 |只看该作者

不好意思啊，
我已经加了提纲进去，谢谢啦
当时写的急，也担心排不上号，都还没有仔细看自己的文章就发上来了
给您添麻烦了，估计看得您是火冒三丈
我又重新改正了一遍
希望您能给点意见
见谅
8# 一木菩提
aowei 发表于 2010-8-8 13:33

没有火冒三丈。
我现在有事情，晚上回来改你的~~

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15楼

发表于 2010-8-8 13:52:14 |只看该作者

本帖最后由一木菩提于 2010-8-9 01:55 编辑

ISSUE 1: We can usually learn much more from people whose views we share than from people whose views contradict our own; disagreement can cause stress and inhibit learning.

提纲：
立场：反对

开头：提炼问题——作者观点——反对——理由：1）不同角度的观点对知识是一种完整和丰富的过程 2）学习的不只是知识，还有争论和说服的技巧和心理上的成熟

第二段：不同角度的观点对知识是一种完整和丰富的过程
分析事物具有的两面性——同样观点不利于对事物认识的全面——相反观点有利于事物全面——事实上，科学正是通过不同观点间的争论而进步，举哲学观点发展的例子——总结

第三段：不同角度的观点可以让我们学到更多
争论的技能——说服的技能，演讲者的要领为例——心理素质的培养：1）允许其他观点的存在 2）控制自己的情绪——相同观点会引起奉承，像井底之蛙——总结

第四段：简单驳题目中的后一句话。结合第二和第三段。

结尾：有相同观点的好处有鼓励等，但不同观点可以完整知识，培养我们争辩，说服和控制自己情绪的技能。所以，从不同观点处学的更多。

Who can we learn more from, those opponents or supporters? The persons whose ideas are in accord with ours, as the speaker claims.  I disagree with this statement, as contradictive opinions can give birth to a more thorough and comprehensive understanding of the issue. Furthermore, through the discourse and debate with our opponents, we start to learn the necessary skills of persuading and debating.  Also, we get matured along this process. 提问式的开头是一种简洁明了的交代讨论背景的方式。此后提出观点也简洁明了，是我喜欢的风格。也希望ETS喜欢，恩恩。

Just like every coin has two different sides, almost all the things on the earth are too complex to be explained from one side.  Those who share the same idea as ours can only ice on the cake.  No matter how much we learn from supporters , what we do is just let a one-branch-rooted tree grow higher.However（要不换成but？）, this tree can be easily pushed down by force.这个比喻论证挺好的.
On the contrary, the persons whose ideas are opposed to ours can inspire us to look into the other side of the issue, and therefore lead to a complete picture of it.  Actually, the development of science is based on doubts, rather than simply accepts the existing theories or experiment results.  For supporting example, we might retrospect the advancement of philosophy mentioned in the book “Susan’s World.”  Usually, one concept appeared, and later came the opposite one. Then, a new opinion, swallowing both the ideas before, shaped. It is obvious the third concept is more complicated and closer to the fact as well.  But as the time went on, the fourth idea opposed to the third one will appear, and later came a fifth united  one.  Through this process,  the concept concerning is developing. 这里用的是形如例证的说理分析。其实挺好的。但是呢，我建议还是增加几个科学史上的事例证明，那样会丰富些，更有说服力。 Therefore, contradictive opinions serve to complete the issue.

Besides, we may also learn the skills of persuading and debating from our opponents.  这个issue题目核心是“比大小”，看反面意见和正面意见谁更能让我们受教育。所以单独谈一个的好处or坏处并不是完全切题的。所以我建议这段标红的top sentence可以加上一点内容，大意就是说通过对手我们能够学习到劝说和辩论的技巧（这是你top sentence原有的内容），然而这些技巧在持相同意见的时候并不能涉及到（这是我建议你加上的）。“Selling ideas is a kind of art.” This claim is true especially when the listeners hold the opinions contradictive to ours. As the saying goes, “Practice makes perfect.” Only though face to face debate with our opponents can we learned this kind of communication skills.  What’s more, we are getting matured though this kind of dialogue: Being patient to listen to other’s opinions, tolerant to accept the different voices, and skillful to control our temper.  Contrarily, the supporters can give us nothing but the sense of success.  It is easy for us to become “frogs under the well” under such flatters.  In sum, discussions with the people whose views contradict our own offer us excellent chances to improve our communication skills besides the knowledge enrichment.

Admittedly, undue disagreement can cause stress and impede our learning to some extent.  The key to reduce this side effect is to discuss more frequently with our opponents, and then we will get used to the depression arguments might bring.  Aftermath, we can enjoy the discussion and find the flaws and weakness in our own opinions.

Supporters give us courage and confidence, which is important when we are green hand in a new field.  However, both the personal growth and science development are a torturing journey.  The courage alone cannot bring us to the bank of success.  Contradictive opinions can help us get a complete picture of the issue we concerned, and the heart as well.  Therefore, we can learn more from the people whose views contradict our own than those who hold the same to us.结尾也能够和段落呼应，不错。

总的来说，我挺喜欢你这篇文章的。优点挺多。就是
1body第一段缺乏事实证明，好的例子是最好的说服手段。同时一篇文章中，出现了例子，数据，比喻，说理等多种论证手法，会让考官眼前一亮。
2body第二段的论证，不要太“静态”的说某个的好，而是要像你body第一段一样，把两个东西放在一起比较，这样才能“动态”地论证“更“好，而不是单说A好 or单说B好。其实注意到了这个问题，加上几句话带一下就OK了。

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