[a习作temp] 【10.05第三次作业】Argument 53 [复制链接]

ydycgwll
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-10-6 00:15:08 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 ydycgwll 于 2010-10-6 00:34 编辑

In this argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin-a before the infants’ birth result in their shyness during the adolescence and this shyness will continue into later life. To support this recommendation the speaker illustrate a research, in regard to the effects of mothers’ pregnant time on their infant’ temperament, was carried out in two period- babyhood and teenager of the same 25 study objectives. However, close scrutiny of this evidence reveals that it lends litter support for the conclusion.

First of all, mothers' production of melatonin, known to affect some brain functions, would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. But there is lacking of evidence to show that increased level of melatonin in mothers will lead to increase in their babies. Moreover, daylight in the winter is obviously short than the early autumn, more babies who have been conceived in winter will appear distress under the circumstance of that kind if the level of melatonin of infants really increase as mothers’. Even if the increase of infants exists, the reactions to those uncomfortable surroundings are very formal for every baby even older children.

Secondly, generally speaking, shyness, especially self-identified one, may just be regular symptom of adolescence. Other teenagers may also have the same problem. This reasons that one’s temperament is shy could be gene heredity, environment around him during one’s childhood. What’s more, the speaker should show us a clear number of children with shyness in their teenagers. In short, the argument should also give the evidence that shyness is led by increased level of melatonin before birth by a comparison experiment.

The most unpersuasive statement, this shyness continues into later life, totally come out of thin air. As they grow up, these teenagers will experience various situations, which may do a favor to their shyness. It is very strange to hear that the olds is easy to be shy except some special situation where common people show shyness.

Finally, only 25 infants, considered in the research, may be inadequate to conclude the conclusions all of above. As so many other factors could influence on temperament of the infants, may be many infants thereof became shy easily for other reasons.

To sum up, the conclusion lacks of credibility. Regardless of who the author is, he or she has overlooked or chosen to ignore many aspects of his or her conclusion. To strengthen the conclusion, the author should give more evidences about the above-mentioned possibilities.

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Luise8891
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沙发

发表于 2010-10-6 14:17:43 |只看该作者

Red-语法词法问题
Blue-好词好句
Pink-不理解的地方
Green-小结
Orange-建议

In this argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin-a（melatonin） before the infants’ birth result in their shyness during the adolescence and this shyness will continue into later life. To support this recommendation the speaker illustrate （the author cites 应该是cite a research to illustrate his conclusion） a research, in regard to the effects of mothers’ pregnant time on their infants’ temperament, (which)was carried out in two periods- babyhood and teenager(adolescence or puberty) of the same 25 study objectives. However, close scrutiny of this evidence reveals that it lends litter （little） support for the conclusion.

First of all, mothers' production of melatonin, known to affect some brain functions, would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight.(不用完全复述原题上面的内容) But there is lacking of evidence to show that increased level of melatonin in mothers will lead to increase（导致什么的升高，没有说明白） in their babies.（文章开头的第一句应该指出这一段的主要逻辑错误，而不是开始就单个小问题着手，像这一段主要是怀疑melatonin 对infant的影响，就应该点明。） Moreover, daylight in the winter is obviously short (shorter) than the early autumn, more babies who have been conceived in winter will (be more likely to) appear distress under the circumstance of that kind if the level of melatonin of infants really increase as mothers’（首先有点累赘，其次很迷糊）. Even if the increase of infants exists, the reactions to those uncomfortable surroundings are very formal for every baby even older children.
首先你讨论母亲的水平升高会不会导致孩子的升高，然后再讨论冬天对水平的影响。最后再讨论文中提到的现象。逻辑感不强。你这一段讨论的是不是这种激素对孩子的作用，首先你就要从文章提到的research着手，第一你怀疑是不是所有孩子都会出现那种刺激后的反应，第二你怀疑数据的代表性，25个孩子不是很有说服力，第三，即使不是所有孩子出现刺激反应，25个孩子有代表性，也不能说明是melatonin的作用，可能是一个巧合，这里你就可以讨论你上面的激素水平问题的怀疑。第四即使说明melatonin 有作用，也不能排除其他激素或其他的影响因素的共同的作用。

Secondly, (指出问题)generally speaking, shyness, especially self-identified one, may just be regular symptom of adolescence. Other teenagers may also have the same problem.（多余） This reasons （没有特指）that one’s temperament is shy （中式化）could be gene heredity, environment around him during one’s childhood. What’s more, the speaker should show us a clear number of children with shyness in their teenagers. In short, the argument should also give the evidence that shyness is led （caused）by increased level of melatonin before birth by a comparison experiment.

The most unpersuasive statement, this shyness continues into later life, totally come out of thin air. As they grow up, these teenagers will experience various situations, which may do a favor to their shyness. It is very strange to hear that the olds is easy to be shy except some special situation where common people show shyness.

Finally, only 25 infants, considered in the research, may be inadequate to conclude(draw) the conclusions all of above(结论就一个). As so many other factors could influence on temperament of the infants, may be （maybe）many infants thereof became shy easily for other reasons.一个是关于实验的样本太小，还一个是其他影响性格的因素，这不应该出现在一段。他们之间没有紧密的逻辑联系啊。（还有论证不充分，应该更进一步的说明哪些其他的因素会影响孩子的性格的养成，还有上面两段也提到了gene heredity, environment around him during one’s childhood 和experience various situations 对性格的影响。）

To sum up, the conclusion lacks of credibility. Regardless of who the author is,（多余） he or she has overlooked or chosen to ignore（选一个就行） many aspects of his or her conclusion. To strengthen the conclusion, the author should give more evidences about the above-mentioned possibilities.（红字标出的部分太笼统，没有让人感觉到有什么建设性的意见）
语法相对较少，但句子不自然，有翻译的痕迹，应该多看看那个Argument 的语言。
最主要的问题是逻辑不清晰，每段就是一个大的逻辑错误，像第二段就应该更充分挖掘所有相关的小逻辑错误，三四五段都有说到其他因素的影响，但是都没有充分说明哪些可能因素的影响，应该合成一段来充分说明。
建议：每一段首句说出大的逻辑错误，这样读者就会有方向的读，不然会很迷惑。
一段绝对不能只有两三句话，这样的话不叫论证，他们评分的标准有一点就是看你论证冲不充分，段落不要太多，正文一般两到三段就行，但每段都要充分论证所有的可能。有些小的错误是大的逻辑错误里面的，不应该单列一段出来，像那个样本小来说明这些孩子都出生在八月就不是很令人信服，不令人信服的话，就推不出关于八月日光照射短而引起激素水平的高的结论。
有些句子有累赘，这个不像issue，可以充分体现你的文采，这里主要是看你的思辨，越清晰，句子越简洁（不是说句子要简单），越好。

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