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[习作点评] ARGUMENT162 要考新G一个月倒计时的孩子伤不起！ [复制链接]

小枣神清气爽
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电梯直达

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发表于 2011-7-7 23:05:07 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT162 - A recent study shows that people living on the continent of North America suffer 9 times more chronic fatigue and 31 times more chronic depression than do people living on the continent of Asia. Interestingly, Asians, on average, eat 20 grams of soy per day, whereas North American eat virtually none. It turns out that soy contains phytochemicals called isoflavones, which have been found to possess disease-preventing properties. Thus, North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression.
WORDS:562 TIME: 00:40:00 DATE: 2011/7/7 22:01:51

作文求改！
欢迎拍砖拍死为止！
还想请教一下，我真的已经尽力了我非常郁闷地发现我的速度真的很慢！！
In this argument, the author recommend people in North America to take soy on a daily base to prevent chronic fatigue and depression. To substantiate his claim, the author provide the evidence that people living in Asia, who eat 20 grams of soy per day, lead a happier live and suffer from less mental disorders,he also states that the soy, which contains certain disease-preventing properties, is effective to cure the psychological illness among people of North America. The recommendation, at the first glance, is sound and reasonable, close scrutiny about each fact of them,however, reveals none of the evidences lend a reliable support to the claim.
First, there is no reason for the author to assume that the reason for the depression among people from North America is lacking the intake of soy.
first,the author draws the conclusion based on a haste generalization, in fact,there are many reasons accounting for the mental illness among people,rather than the less usage of soy.For example, the high unemployment rate, or the malignant environment and the fierce competition among peers, which are all explainable to this phenomenon. Lacking the evidence that not taking soy is the only factor accounting for their illness, I remain unconvincing of the recommendation.
Secondly, it is presumptuous to assume the significant role the soy plays in the prevention,
even curing method, of chronic depression and fatigue.That is, the author unjustifiably conclude that there is a close relation between the usage of soy and the comparative pleasant status quo among Asians.
However, the prevailing mental fitness among them can be reasonably explained by other factors rather than the taking of soy. For instance, the natural environment provides a comfortable surrounding to live,where they can relax themselves ,moreover, the closer family structure and social relations makes it easy for they to find some one to turn to. Since there are many other methods to keep them from mental suffering, I am suspicious about the soy's efficiency to smooth their emotion, not to mention the function it will play on the people lacrosse the Pacific.
Furthermore, even assuming that Asian is are comparatively healthy solely because they eat much more soy than people from North America, the author unfairly,maybe, ignores the discerning differences between the people from two continent.Perhaps due to different physical condition and even gene particularity, hardly the soy , although effective on Assets, can have any impact on the earth of North America.Without taking these dissimilarity into consideration, maybe the appliance of this food will turn out to have the exact opposite influence on North Americans.
Finally,
he fails to take a third measure to tackle the problem. Maybe the soy therapy is not the best choice and there are more promising alternative to eradicate the illness among people. Without evidence that the soy is the most effective way to cure people, I find the recommendation is unpersuasive.
To sum up, to substantiate the recommendation, the author must provide more reliable and sufficient evidence about the soy's unique function to cure mental illness and the difference between the two species of people. To better assess his argue, the author should take other factors, which probably be responsible for the illness ,into considerration. Only when he search for the root reason, which accurately accounting for the fatigue and depress can I take the recommendation as a effective one to fight against the disease.

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周九
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沙发

发表于 2011-7-7 23:14:58 |只看该作者

建议先去找个别人的作文拍下，然后留下链接等回拍，可能会比较容易得到反馈~

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咖啡盐
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板凳

发表于 2011-7-10 02:06:56 |只看该作者

TOPIC: ARGUMENT162 - A recent study shows that people living on the continent of North America suffer 9 times more chronic fatigue and 31 times more chronic depression than do people living on the continent of Asia. Interestingly, Asians, on average, eat 20 grams of soy per day, whereas North American eat virtually none. It turns out that soy contains phytochemicals called isoflavones, which have been found to possess disease-preventing properties. Thus, North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression.

In this argument, the author recommend people in North America to take soy on a daily base to prevent chronic fatigue and depression. To substantiate his claim, the author provide the evidence that people living in Asia, who eat 20 grams of soy per day, lead a happier live and suffer from less mental disorders,he also states that the soy, which contains certain disease-preventing properties 【这里要给出最精确的信息，哪一种 disease-preventing properties?可以是各种properties，这里特指I元素。】, is effective to cure the psychological illness 【this is your prediction, not the author's. 】among people of North America. The recommendation, at the first glance, is sound and reasonable, however 【这里表达转折关系更为明显】close scrutiny about each fact of them,however, reveals none of the evidences 【有点绝对化哟】lend a reliable support to the claim.

First, there is no reason 【重复。evidence】for the author to assume 【infer】that the reason for the depression among people from North America is lacking the intake of soy. first,the author draws the conclusion based on a haste generalization, 【和前句有点重复，可以合并】in fact,there are many reasons accounting for the mental illness among people,rather than the less usage of soy.For example, the high unemployment rate, or the malignant environment and the fierce competition among peers, which are all explainable to this phenomenon. Lacking the evidence that not taking soy is the only factor accounting for their illness, I remain unconvincing of the recommendation.作者没有说过not intake soy is the reason why American got chronic fatigue and chronic depressions，这个只是LZ你的推测，不是作者的推论。要完全客观从文意出发，从亚洲人来切入比较好。要推翻的本就是soy和病症间的关系，没必要再去建立一个本就不可靠的关系，直接从作者思路出发即可。推出的结论无外乎就是地域，文化，饮食，习惯，工作，生活等方面的区别，加以整理就好。

Secondly, it is presumptuous to assume the significant role the soy plays in the prevention, even curing method, of chronic depression and fatigue.That is, the author unjustifiably conclude that there is a close relation between the usage of soy and the comparative pleasant status quo among Asians.

However, 【与上文转折？】the prevailing mental fitness among them can be reasonably explained by other factors rather than the taking of soy. For instance, the natural environment provides a comfortable surrounding to live,where they can relax themselves ,moreover, the closer family structure and social relations makes it easy for they to find some one to turn to. Since there are many other methods to keep them from mental suffering, I am suspicious about the soy's efficiency to smooth their emotion, not to mention the function it will play on the people lacrosse the Pacific.这两段没能领悟。赶脚LZ应该是写到soy中成分的问题了吧？

Furthermore, even assuming that Asian is are comparatively healthy solely because they eat much more soy than people from North America, the author unfairly,maybe, ignores the discerning differences between the people from two continent.Perhaps due to different physical condition and even gene particularity, hardly the soy , although effective on Assets, can have any impact on the earth of North America.Without taking these dissimilarity into consideration, maybe the appliance of this food will turn out to have the exact opposite influence on North Americans.这段同样讲difference的可以与前文合并。

Finally, he fails to take a third measure to tackle the problem. Maybe the soy therapy is not the best choice and there are more promising alternative to eradicate the illness among people. Without evidence that the soy is the most effective way to cure people, I find the recommendation is unpersuasive.他因论证的不够，只说了soy可能不是最好的原因，为什么呢？什么是最好的原因呢？既然不能说服你，那么你肯定会有更有说服力的因素吧？另外，我觉得他因这个点不是关键，因为原文并没有说soy是唯一的或者是最好的方法吧？我觉得值得注意的是原文最后一段话，作者说的是，如何北美人服用soy的话，是可以preventing fatigue and depression.这里存在概念的偷换，两种病症是不同的，慢性病和普通病症的成因存在着不小的差异呢。

To sum up, to substantiate the recommendation, the author must provide more reliable and sufficient evidence about the soy's unique function to cure mental illness and the difference between the two species of people. To better assess his argue, the author should take other factors, which probably be responsible for the illness ,into considerration. Only when he search for the root reason, which accurately accounting for the fatigue and depress can I take the recommendation as a effective one to fight against the disease.

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地板

发表于 2011-7-10 02:09:05 |只看该作者

这个童鞋https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1278769-1-2.html也写了同一篇文章，可以相互借鉴借鉴

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小枣神清气爽
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5楼

发表于 2011-7-10 15:37:59 |只看该作者

谢谢你的修改！
我发现我的逻辑严密性确实有待加强 3# 咖啡盐

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ymddtc UID：3003696 ymddtc 当前离线最后登录 2012-2-29 在线时间 132 小时寄托币 354 声望 2 注册时间 2011-2-6 阅读权限 5 帖子 2 精华 0 积分 302 UID 3003696 禁止发言声望 2 寄托币 354 注册时间 2011-2-6 精华 0 帖子 2 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	6楼发表于 2011-7-11 12:51:21 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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