[资料] sallyremy写作版（独立）7.5 [复制链接]

sallyremy
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电梯直达

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发表于 2011-7-5 22:46:38 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 sallyremy 于 2011-7-5 22:48 编辑

7.5题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: In a cooperation of team, the people who cannot accept criticize couldn’t be successful

赞同：excluded from the team (high context国家)

比较固步自封，can't accept creative idea

不赞同：容易受peer pressure影响

In present organization structure of corporations, cooperation, collaboration and team work are entitled with more significance. However, in team work, conflicts and compromises are inevitable. Employee who trys to be successful need to accept criticism and suggestions from his superiors or counterparts.

Employees who cannot accept others' criticism tend to be annoyed and will finally be excluded from team. In a cooperation of team, all team members are required to communicate their thoughts with others. If a member always insist on his own opinion and is not willing to alter it according to other members' suggestions, he will be disgusted and close to be excluded from team. This situation is more common in high-context countries, such as Indian, Japanese and China. In the corporations in these countries, an employee will be considered as arrogant and disrespectful of his manager and colleagues if he cannot make a compromise and agree with the other members in the team. As a result, he will be certain to lose the support of others, let alone to be successful in the corporation.

In addition, people not willing to accept criticism are inclined to be conservative and stubborn. Psychological research showed that employees who usually accept others' criticism and suggestions have a quicker response to the product or consumer market changes than those rarely accept. They are able to promptly alter their projects or target consumers according to the recent tendencies. Moreover, they also tend to accept creative ideas and confront challenges. These are all the characteristics of a successful leader.

Nevertheless, accepting criticism can lead to potential problems in team work. If employees who have distinct opinions from other members always compromise to agree with others due to peer pressure in the team, then this team may miss some very special and creative thoughts and tend to choose the conservative plan. Therefore, the team and its members will lose creativity and openness.

In conclusion,if a person wants to be successful in a cooperation of team, he must learn how to accept criticism and correct his mistakes.

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我叫卖猪
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沙发

发表于 2011-7-6 00:04:19 |只看该作者

In present organization structure of corporations, cooperation, collaboration and team work are entitled with more significance. （首句以cooperation的重要性作为background，思路清晰。不过cooperation, collaboration和teamwork三个词连用有待商榷，虽然可以展示语言多样性，但有冗赘之嫌，可改为Cooperation, as an indispensible link of the corporation chain, is receiving more and more attention nowadays.）However, in team work, conflicts and compromises are inevitable. Employee who trys to be successful need to accept criticism and suggestions from his superiors or counterparts. (这句话意思明确，也表明了作者立场，但是细节问题较多。首先，主谓不一致，need应该为needs。其次，counterpart用在这里并不恰当，改为colleagues比较好。最后就是与前句衔接不流畅，建议从however开始改为 However, given the fact that conflicts and compromises occur inevitably, a modest attitude toward others’ criticisms and suggestions can be the prerequisite of one’s success in his career. )

Employees who cannot accept others' criticism tend to be annoyed and will finally be excluded from team.（正论一段，认为不接受批评的员工会被排挤。观点很鲜明。Annoyed一词在此处语意不明，如果说不接受他人意见的员工让别人反感，那么是不是应该为annoying。） In a cooperation of team, all team members are required to communicate their thoughts with others. If a member always insist on his own opinion and is not willing to alter it according to other members' suggestions, he will be disgusted and close to be excluded from team.（这句话仍然存在主谓不一致的问题，前面是insist后面是is。同时disgusted用在这里略重，这里表达让人恶心的意思么？是不是换一个程度轻一点的词比如dislike之类的更好。不过这些还是细节问题，更重要的是这句话和前句话是否构成了对主题句的一个有效发展？为什么要求communicate会导致不接受他人意见会被小组排挤？这里是不是可以解释的再清楚一点。） This situation is more common in high-context countries, such as Indian, Japanese and China. In the corporations in these countries, an employee will be considered as arrogant and disrespectful of his manager and colleagues if he cannot make a compromise and agree with the other members in the team. As a result, he will be certain to lose the support of others, let alone to be successful in the corporation.（这里是不是collectivism做例子更合适些~）

In addition, people not willing to accept criticism are inclined to be conservative and stubborn. （正论第二段认为不接受批评者不能及时对外界的变化作出反应，会显得比较固执。除了相较于conservative和stubborn，ossified和inflexible可能会更贴切一点。）Psychological research showed that employees who usually accept others' criticism and suggestions have a quicker response to the product or consumer market changes than those rarely accept. They are able to promptly alter their projects or target consumers according to the recent tendencies. Moreover, they also tend to accept creative ideas and confront challenges. These are all the characteristics of a successful leader. （论证方法与前段不同，引入研究，不错，意思也表述的比较明白。不过最后句归结到successful leader是不是略偏题。另外可能因为时间所限，句子修饰相对较少，比如moreover一句，在最后加个more readily或者其他修饰，读起来就舒服一些。）

Nevertheless, accepting criticism can lead to potential problems in team work. （这里是个反论段，我觉得从全文连贯性考虑，如果第三段反论，那么Intr段最后句最好加个限定，比如说properly之类的，不要把话讲死。相应的，在这段的ts可以先做条件分析，再做价值判断。比如改为 an indiscriminating acceptance of criticism can lead to potential problems in team work或者改为 Relying too much on others’ ideas and suggestions can stifle one’s creativity and productivity as well. ）If employees who have distinct opinions from other members always compromise to agree with others due to peer pressure in the team, then this team may miss some very special and creative thoughts and tend to choose the conservative plan. Therefore, the team and its members will lose creativity and openness.(这里有个问题值得思考下，因为原题是讲接受意见对个人成功的影响，那么本段从小组的创造性入手是不是略偏题呢？)

In conclusion,if a person wants to be successful in a cooperation of team, he must learn how to accept criticism and correct his mistakes.

小结：1.段落内论证思路清晰，方法多样，值得学习。
   2.个别词的拿捏和句子之间的处理有改进空间。
   3.考虑正论的1,2两段，第一段说的是小组排挤导致失败，第二段说的是个人不能应变导致失败，那么是不是可以通过改变两段顺序改成前面玩偶说的让步批驳形式。先说不接受意见往往意味个人能力不足，然后再说即便是因为个人能力较强，并有独特观点且固执己见，那么小组其他成员的排挤可能成为另一个失败的原因~
   4.很多改动有吹毛求疵之嫌，其实原来的表述已经很清楚了，见谅哈~
5.加油加油~

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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栗孒
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板凳

发表于 2011-7-6 19:46:48 |只看该作者

In present organization structure of corporations, cooperation, collaboration and team work are entitled with more significance. However, in team work, conflicts and compromises are inevitable. Employee who trys to be successful need（needs） to accept criticism and suggestions from his superiors or counterparts.

Employees who cannot accept others' criticism tend to be annoyed and will finally be excluded from team. In a cooperation of team, all team members are required to communicate their thoughts with others. If a member always insist (insists) on his own opinion and is not willing to alter it according to other members' suggestions, he will be disgusted and close to be excluded from team. This situation is more common in high-context countries, such as Indian, Japanese and China. In the corporations in these countries, an employee will be considered as arrogant and disrespectful of his manager and colleagues if he cannot make a compromise and agree with the other members in the team. As a result, he will be certain to lose the support of others, let alone to be successful in the corporation.

In addition, people not willing to accept criticism are inclined to be conservative and stubborn. Psychological research showed that employees who usually accept others' criticism and suggestions have a quicker response to the product or consumer market changes than those rarely accept. They are able to promptly alter their projects or target consumers according to the recent tendencies. Moreover, they also tend to accept creative ideas and confront challenges. These are all the characteristics of a successful leader.(最后收尾的时候可以归结到接受意见可以使人更会变通，在小组中更能得到认可之类的。Just as marketing the product, it is easier for a person who is flexible to get recognized in group.)
Nevertheless, accepting criticism can lead to potential problems in team work. If employees who have distinct opinions from other members always compromise to agree with others due to peer pressure in the team, then this team may miss some very special and creative thoughts and tend to choose the conservative plan. Therefore, the team and its members will lose creativity and openness.

In conclusion, if a person wants to be successful in a cooperation of team, he must learn how to accept criticism and correct his mistakes. (说一下好处胜过坏处…或者直接和结尾连在一起。。Although….)

举例子一如既往的好，就是论点最后没很好的围绕题目收起来。。句式和用词方面很用心啊...

8月21托福，9月14GMAT 求监督。。

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