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rosahu
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发表于 2009-12-29 22:53:51 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

第一次在网上贴作文，希望帮忙改一下吧~O(∩_∩)O谢谢哈

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing a game is fun only when you win. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

   Many people play games is more than to get recreation, they are more likely to get the satiesfaction of winning. It is obvious that this trend that playing games is fun only when you win has stretched out  and be popular in our daily life. As far as I am concerned, this attitude towards games will violate the primary aim of a game, what's worse, it gradually becomes a competition instead of pure playing.
   The essence of a game is to bring the happiness to people, which help us get the way to relax ourselves and find the joyment in our life. For example, playing basketball is both a joy and a physical practice, singing a song is for the person who likes music and  want to rich the single life. Playing the chess is  for two men to play together or train their logicol thoughts and even a good way to communicate with each other. But when the game is going to the place where only a person win can make him fun, games are lost their values and their primary meanings. The result is ,games come out to be competitions.  Someone will win in the end, and naturally, some will lose. The winner feel better and much fun, while how is the lost one? So boring, so terrible. As a result, games will not make happiness to both, only the winner.
   Once the game is becoming a competion, it inevitably causes some bad effects. Take the footgames as examples. Foot games are favourited by the people from over the world. However, it is clear that people totally be abosobed into wathching it when the game is playing but be mad and lost controled when their favourite group is lost. we have seen so many tragedies of those crazy fans lost their lives because of a lost game. Is that a game？No. Some people who love to treat games as a competion and enjoy the feeling of winning may strongly state that for the purpose of winning, they will try their best to learn the game well,and since they eventurally become an expect or ellite in those areas, they get this skills and even be a success. Even so, I think people feel tired of and bear more pressure when they have to play games at the aim of winning.
As for me, the moment of playing games is almost a good time to enjoy myself, if i do much better, i will feel excited, but if not so well,i feel also well. Games is so interesting that even we just participate in it. The secret of the game can be lasting and still deveolpig to many new forms is the fun from its intrinsic qualities other than the winning feeling it takes.

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mpromanus
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发表于 2010-1-1 19:01:12 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2010-1-1 19:08 编辑

Many people play games is for reasons more than besides (Please pay attention to basic grammar when you write. At least you should be aware that 'many people play games' will likely NOT be followed by 'is'. Such sense of grammar should come with consistent practice. If you're not able to 'feel' such simple mistakes, at least read your sentences twice.) to get recreation, they are more likely (I'm not sure whether you mean 'they like winning more', but just a word of caution that 'likely' doesn't mean the same thing as 'like'.) to get the satiesfaction of through winning. It is obvious that this trend that playing games is fun only when you win has stretched (I think you meant to say 'spreaded'.) out and be is popular in our daily life. As far as I am concerned, this attitude towards games will violate the primary aim of a game, what's worse, it gradually becomes a competition (The question is already talking about 'winning', which means the nature of 'game' in this question IS competitive. If you don't believe that 'game' means 'competition', go check the word up in a English dictionary. This is not to say that 'game' doesn't mean playing, but IN THIS PARTICULAR QUESTION, you're given a hint by the wording that the meaning of this 'game' is competition. If you're going to talk about the non-competitive aspects of games, you need to point out the ambiguity of the word 'game' clearly here, and define your scope of discussion in this paragraph. But you didn't. Instead, you simply wrote on assuming that your thinking must be correct, therefore your point about the primary aim of a game, or a game becoming a competition, is entirely out of the intended scope for this question. Read your question carefully, and think about why it is phrased in a certain manner, with certain words. Think about what it IMPLIES. That way you will UNDERSTAND it.) instead of pure playing. (The question asks whether you agree or disagree. You need to give a straight 'agree' or 'disagree' answer.)

The essence of a game is to bring the happiness to people, which help us to get the way to relax ourselves and find the joyment in our life. For example, playing basketball is both a joyful and a physical practice, singing a song (As I've pointed out in the opening paragraph, 'game' in this question is of a competitive nature, therefore things like singing a song is not what is intended for discussion by the question.) is for the a person who likes music and wants to enrich the single? life. Playing the chess is for two men to play together or train their logical thoughts (Chess has nothing to do logic. It's a strategy game.) and is even a good way to communicate with each other. But when the game is going to the place where only a person winning can make him? fun (The 'fun' in the question refers to the 'game', not to the player. I can't quite imagine anything that would make a person 'fun'.), games are lose their values and their primary meanings. The result is , games come out to be competitions. Someone will win in the end, and naturally, some will lose. The winner feels better and much fun, while how is the lost one? So boring, so terrible. As a result, games will not make bring happiness to both, only the winner. (Now you see how interesting this gets. The question is asking whether games are indeed only fun when you win. Your description of the winners and losers here seem to suggest a 'yes' - games only make winners feel fun, while your main argument in the last paragraph seems to follow 'no' - games should be fun and bring happiness in nature and shouldn't be competitive. That's the result of not catching the subtle implication given in the question and writing with only your assumptions and thoughts instead of the actual question or your stand in mind.)

Once the game is becomes a competion, it inevitably causes some bad effects. Take the footgames? (Do you mean 'soccer'?) as examples. Foot games are favourited by the people from over the world. However, it is clear that people are totally be abosobed into wathching it when the game is playing, but be and are mad and or lose controled when their favourite group is lose. we have seen so many tragedies of those crazy fans losing their lives because of a lost game. (You're wandering even further away from the question. The question is about YOU 'playing a game', not the fans watching the games or professional players or anybody else.) Is that a game？No. Some people who love to treat games as a competions and enjoy the feeling of winning may strongly state that for the purpose of winning, they will try their best to learn the game well,and since they eventurally become an expects or ellites in those areas, they get this skills and even be a success. Even so, I think people feel tired of (of what?) and bear more pressure when they have to play games at under the aim of winning.

As for me, the moment of playing games is almost? (By using 'almost', you're actually suggesting that it's sill just a little bit 'not yet'.) a good time to enjoy myself. if i do much better (You need a base to use comparison upon.), i will feel excited, but if I do not do so well, i feel also well. Games is so interesting that even we just participate in it. The secret (What secret?) of the game can be lasting and still developing into many new forms. This is the fun from its intrinsic qualities other than the winning feeling it takes. (The question is asking whether you agree or disagree. Just answer that and you'll be better off than beating around the bushes all the time.)

总结：

语法 - 我很抱歉地说你几乎完全没法写出一个完全正确的简单句。。尤其在复句里，每个单句都是乱七八糟的。请好好复习最基本的语法，先确定自己能把单词正确地连成短句，再来练你的长句。

词汇 - 词汇量不大，所以没有使用上的问题，就是用词比较重复。另外是有些喜欢说废话的倾向，喜欢用动名词，名词词组，被动语态。。像help us to get the way to relax这种短语，差不多就是中文的帮助我们得到放松的方式，但就算用中文想想也一样，直接说帮助我们放松不就结了么。多用主动动词词组，少用名词来表示动作。

逻辑 - 也是几乎完全不知所云，跑题。。你跑题的原因是完全没明白题目在问你什么。。这个题目里的game就是比赛的意思，就是compeition，问你同意不同意比赛只有赢才好玩，这是一个 yes/no 是/不是的问题，结果你上来开始说game不应该变成competition变成competition不好，又是一个典型的主观题写成了道德文，完全不不是和题目一个方向的思想。。而且你这样把论题转向之后造成的后果就是像第二段的评语指出的，你明明是貌似反对题目那句话的，结果因为你写的方向其实根本不是题目想带你走的方向，你在自己那个game变成competition不好的论点上转着转着结果变成给题目那句话举正面例了。。以后请注意审题，什么叫审题，就是你要多想想题目为什么这么问，有什么潜台词没有，有什么模糊的地方没有，有什么猫腻没有。。这种议论文从来不注重华丽，都是些看起来很八股的结构和很没脑的问题，但是从你的文章里考官要看的，是你如何去理解问题，你的理解是否清晰有理，再来才是你的语言表达多漂亮。简单地说就是你得先把话说明白了才来关心你话说得多漂亮。。

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