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[求助] 战战兢兢的独立写作....请批改~ [复制链接]

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发表于 2012-12-27 14:04:07 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
TPO 5---Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment—doing things they like to do—rather than doing things they should do.

Have you ever seen an adolescent addicted to computer games all day? Have you ever been lost into an incredible novel like Jane Eyre in spite of resting and eating? Have you ever witnessed a girl obsessed by the fashion icon Gossip Girl? Clearly, most of us have been hooked by something we interested in. However, temporary people did not focus on the enjoyment too much, instead, it is merely part of life.

As the saying goes,” All work no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Nowadays, with the high speed of development in the world, competition between people is becoming more and more furious, which increases the pressure people suffer. Dealing with the relationship between work and relaxation is a wise choice. White-collar workers in the big company have to confront stress from excessive work, excellent colleagues, and offices’ rumors. If they always suffer it and have no release, then it will do great harm physically and psychologically. As it does in the case of students in school, they have to face peer pressure from making class presentation, getting the highest grade of subjects, and being the star of the activities. Therefore, they need to relieve by entertainment show or doing lots of exercises to remove the burden and generate the energy for the next challenge. Even in ancient time, people have fun in their spare time. The emperor in Southern Tang dynasty eases the tiredness by calligraphy, traditional Chinese paintings, and poems. The caveman would hold a bonfire party for fun after the daytime hunting.      

Seemingly, some people are just devoted themselves to things they love which they gain great pleasure. But actually they combine their interest with their majors— doing things they like and they are responsible to do at the same time. When in Harvard University, Bill Gates pursued his loved career bravely. Since he had been interested in computer science, especially programming, he gained large amount of programming knowledge by learning it in his spare time. So when he attended the university, he could use school’s lab to develop some valuable software secretly as his behaviors contradicted to school’s rule. In the sophomoric year, he confronted a serious choice—whether to drop out of university and then set up his own business. It seems that he should continue to study as a student rather than do other things making him distract. But for Bill, dropping out to create and produce software is his great enjoyment. Besides, the purpose of education is to produce students contributing to the whole world and Bill’s new career is to that point. It is obvious that he spent “too much time” on his enjoyment (develop computer programs) as well as his career and consequently, he achieved his success. Abundant examples can support my idea. Facebook’s birth owing to Zacberg’s interest and great input of time. One of the hottest singer— Justin Birber rose to fame overnight because of pleasure he gained from the music and persistence to strive to be singer. Natalie Portman combined her deep love for acting with the knowledge of psychology which she learnt in Harvard during the acting years.     

Admittedly, there are people who are addicted to their individual enjoyment regardless of other things. Nevertheless, partial people cannot represent all human beings. With the improvement of human’s thinking, these people will not only take on their own compulsory responsibility but also be voluntary to help others to get true enjoyment.

All in all, nowadays people does not pay too much attention on obtaining enjoyment, instead they are more willing to integrate their interest with their career or study, which will bring them enjoyment as well as the achievement.


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沙发
发表于 2012-12-29 06:44:44 |只看该作者
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment—doing things they like to do—rather than doing things they should do.


Have you ever seen an adolescent addicted to computer games all day? Have you ever been lost into an incredible novel like Jane Eyre in spite of resting and eating (I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'in spite of' here because this phrase means 'regardless' in a 'A still happens regardless of B' kind of 'regardless', not the 'not regarding, forgetting about' kind of 'regardless'..so what you're actually expressing with sentence is that 'even you rest and eat, you'll still get lost in Jane Eyre', while I think what you meant to say is something like 'you'll forget about resting and eating when you get lost in Jane Eyre'. I'd probably use 'abandon' for that.)? Have you ever witnessed a girl obsessed by the fashion icon Gossip Girl? Clearly, most of us have been hooked by something we are interested in. However, contemporary people did not focus on the enjoyment too much, instead, it is merely part of life.

As the saying goes,” All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Nowadays, with the high speed of development in the world, competition between people is becoming more and more furious, which increases the pressure people suffer. Dealing with the relationship between work and relaxation is a wise choice (I don't quite see how this sentence is relevant to the previous one.). White-collar workers in a big company have to confront stress from excessive work, excellent colleagues, and offices’ rumors. If they always suffer from it and have no release, then it will do great harm physically and psychologically. As it does in the case of students in school,(If this 'it' means 'the same kind of pressure mentioned previously', then this part should be a clause of the previous sentence. Here you write it as part of this next sentence, and I have no idea what 'as it does' refers to.) they have to face peer pressure from making class presentations, getting the highest grades of subjects (Redundancy. Of course as students you get grades on subjects..), and being the star of the activities. Therefore, they need to relieve by entertainment shows or doing lots of exercises to remove the burden and generate the energy for the next challenge. Even in ancient time, people had fun in their spare time. The emperor in Southern Tang dynasty eases the tiredness by calligraphy, traditional Chinese paintings, and poems. The caveman would hold a bonfire party for fun after the daytime hunting. (All's well and indeed 南唐后主 wrote some of the best stuff in traditional Chinese lyrical poetry. But the question is not whether people should or had time for entertainment. The question is whether they are having too much of entertainment and not enough of serious work. Your arguments need to culminate on this point very explicitly i.e. 点题, especially that this particular point is not mentioned again in your conclusion..You do really need to say something like 'therefore people nowadays are just having their fair share of entertainment as it always has been, not too much of it'. Otherwise, you have an open argument – an argument without a conclusion, which is then free for interpretation and I'm not compelled to make the conclusion you would like me to make.)

Seemingly, some people are just devoted themselves to things they love from which they gain great pleasure (This 'which' clause is really redundant though.). But actually they combine their interest with their majors (So you are saying only things that are related to people's 'majors' count as things they should do?) — doing things they like and they are responsible to do at the same time. When in Harvard University, Bill Gates pursued his loved career bravely. Since he had been interested in computer science, especially programming, he gained a large amount of programming knowledge by learning it in his spare time. So when he attended the university, he could use the school’s lab to develop some valuable software secretly as his behaviors contradicted the school’s rules. In the sophomore year, he confronted a serious choice—whether to drop out of university and then set up his own business. It seems that he should continue to study as a student rather than do other things making him distracted. But for Bill, dropping out to create and produce software is his great enjoyment. Besides, the purpose of education is to produce students contributing to the whole world and Bill’s new career is to that point. It is obvious that he spent “too much time” on his enjoyment (develop computer programs) as well as his career and consequently, he achieved his success. (If you say this, then you're not saying 'people can combine their enjoyment and their responsibilities well'. You're saying 'people can afford to spend too much time on their enjoyment and ditch what they should do because they will still be successful doing what they enjoy'.) Abundant examples can support my idea. Facebook’s birth owing to Zuckerberg’s interest and great input of time. One of the hottest singers — Justin Bieber rose to fame overnight because of pleasure he gained from the music and persistence to strive to be a singer. Natalie Portman combined her deep love for acting with the knowledge of psychology which she learnt in Harvard during the acting years. (Smashing. But I can easily argue that they are all doing what they 'should' be doing – pursuing whatever they loved and wanted. You seem to just deem that whatever that is not academically related must be 'enjoyment' and only getting a degree from Harvard is something that people 'should' do. The question was purposely vague on what exactly counts as 'personal enjoyment' and what counts as 'things they should do'. If you have your own definitions, you have to put them out clearly upfront and preferably justify them. You did that a little bit when you mention 'majors', but it was not explicit and not justified at all.)

Admittedly, there are people who are addicted to their individual enjoyment regardless of other things. Nevertheless, partial people (This means 'people who are partial, i.e. biased', rather than 'only a part of the whole population'..) cannot represent all human beings. With the improvement of human’s thinking, these people will not only take on their own compulsory responsibility but also be voluntary to help others to get true enjoyment.

All in all, nowadays people does not pay too much attention on obtaining enjoyment, instead they are more willing to integrate their interests with their careers or studies, which will bring them enjoyment as well as the achievement.


总结:

滥用定冠词的现象比较严重。另外600字实在是写得太多,你花太大力气在描写你的例子上,太多细节了,尤其比尔同学那个例子,你基本是在给丫写传记么。。考官是来看你论述问题而不是看你讲故事的,请学会挑最能支持你的论点的细节来写,一个relevant的细节比你事无巨细写10句更有用而且更容易读懂。。另外请特别注意人名,你实在要用这么多名人举例起码不要老是拼错人家名字。。


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板凳
发表于 2013-2-23 10:12:58 |只看该作者
mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-29 06:44
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal ...

大神:
    再细读一遍后,发现您老眼光太精准了!
    第一次写的时候,我总觉得思维受阻,但因为智商有限又绕不出自己的弯...读着你的评价,再客观看一下这篇,确有顿悟之感~
      THX!

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地板
发表于 2013-2-23 22:37:51 |只看该作者
请改~O(∩_∩)O谢谢
which one do you think is best to Contribute to a enjoyable vacation ? Good location, good food and good friends with you to travel.

What do you think is best element for a pleasant journey? If it is good location, then what if you confront the feeling of loneliness after passing the breathtaking scenery? If it is delicious food, what if the fantastic food is too expensive to afford? As for me, being with my good friends on a vacation can not only share the economic burden and feeling but also have sense of security.

Sharing is a fantastic thing for friends, no matter the feeling or the expenses along the journey.As is quoted,"Friendship multiplies joys and divides griefs." When I visited the seashore of Seattle with my good friends years ago, I was so obsessed by the fascinating view that I did not notice that there is a little pit and I had one of my ankle sprained. With my friends' help and humourous jokes, the great pain has been dissolved. Another economic benefit is that we just need to pay part of some basic expenses in common areas, such as transportation,accommodation and having dinner. When traveling to a historical site, two partners' hiring a tour guide is much more efficient and economical and the money saved can be applied to other interesting places.One journey with several versions of feelings and saved expenses brings me more fun.  

As a girl on vacation, what is an essential factor is security. Single girl is vulnerable to robbing handbags, harassment and other frightened things. Therefore, being with friends can have a sense of security and be more likely to try new excited things. Suppose I went to my dreaming city--Paris--one day by myself, shall I give up the "movable feast" just because of being afraid of the unknown danger? Of course not. Instead, my best friend and I will taste the midnight of Paris without any frightfulness together due to each other's company. Besides, from my perspective, I used to fall in love with haunted houses but never dared to step into the houses on my own until one day I passed there with a friend and without hesitation, I drew her inside the haunted houses finally.Despite the ups and downs of screams, I enjoyed myself. A friend along the way can bring me sense of security and encourage me to explore the unrevealed enjoyment.

Granted, good food and good location can contribute to a good trip, but it is a good friend that makes the vacation better via sharing happiness and sorrows, exploring exciting things and creating sense of security.
      

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发表于 2013-2-23 23:18:37 |只看该作者
叶子123 发表于 2013-2-23 10:12
大神:
    再细读一遍后,发现您老眼光太精准了!
    第一次写的时候,我总觉得思维受阻,但因为智商 ...

亲可以参加写作小组哦~就在首页就有

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发表于 2013-2-23 23:19:07 |只看该作者
mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-29 06:44
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal ...

R大神好久不见=w= 乍一看你毒舌特别亲切!

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发表于 2013-2-24 02:43:23 |只看该作者
月明日暗 发表于 2013-2-23 15:19
R大神好久不见=w= 乍一看你毒舌特别亲切!

哈哈。哈。。我知道你这是夸我呢吧。。

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发表于 2013-2-24 11:16:05 |只看该作者
早上充满期待的看帖,可他居然木有了!~再传,感谢~
Which one do you think is best to Contribute to a enjoyable vacation ? Good location, good food and good friends with you to travel.

What do you think is best element for a pleasant journey? If it is good location, then what if you confront the feeling of loneliness after passing the breathtaking scenery? If it is delicious food, what if the fantastic food is too expensive to afford? As for me, being with my good friends on a vacation can not only share the economic burden and feeling but also have sense of security.

Sharing is a fantastic thing for friends, no matter the feeling or the expenses along the journey.As is quoted,"Friendship multiplies joys and divides griefs." When I visited the seashore of Seattle with my good friends years ago, I was so obsessed by the fascinating view that I did not notice that there is a little pit and I had one of my ankle sprained. With my friends' help and humourous jokes, the great pain has been dissolved. Another economic benefit is that we just need to pay part of some basic expenses in common areas, such as transportation,accommodation and having dinner. When traveling to a historical site, two partners' hiring a tour guide is much more efficient and economical and the money saved can be applied to other interesting places.One journey with several versions of feelings and saved expenses brings me more fun.  

As a girl on vacation, what is an essential factor is security. Single girl is vulnerable to robbing handbags, harassment and other frightened things. Therefore, being with friends can have a sense of security and be more likely to try new excited things. Suppose I went to my dreaming city--Paris--one day by myself, shall I give up the "movable feast" just because of being afraid of the unknown danger? Of course not. Instead, my best friend and I will taste the midnight of Paris without any frightfulness together due to each other's company. Besides, from my perspective, I used to fall in love with haunted houses but never dared to step into the houses on my own until one day I passed there with a friend and without hesitation, I drew her inside the haunted houses finally.Despite the ups and downs of screams, I enjoyed myself. A friend along the way can bring me sense of security and encourage me to explore the unrevealed enjoyment.

Granted, good food and good location can contribute to a good trip, but it is a good friend that makes the vacation better via sharing happiness and sorrows, exploring exciting things and creating sense of security.
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发表于 2013-2-24 22:10:24 |只看该作者
mpromanus 发表于 2013-2-24 02:43
哈哈。哈。。我知道你这是夸我呢吧。。

必须~~=w=

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发表于 2013-2-25 08:55:21 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2013-2-25 00:56 编辑
叶子123 发表于 2013-2-23 14:37
请改~O(∩_∩)O谢谢
which one do you think is best to Contribute to a enjoyable vacation ? Good loca ...


Which one do you think is best to contributes to an enjoyable vacation? Good location, good food and good friends with you to travel.

What do you think is the best element for a pleasant journey? If it is good location, then what if you confront the feeling of loneliness after passing the breathtaking scenery (I understand what you want to express but the entire sentence is rather awkward. I'm not going to be too demanding on whether you should use 'confront', which has a very aggressive connotation, or 'passing', which implies that you're eventually going to somewhere without great scenery..the burning question is: why must you feel lonely in a 'good location' with 'breathtaking scenery'? Are you assuming that this must be because you're travelling without friends? I only started to work out how you meant to allude at this until I hit the very end of this paragraph. And this reasoning isn't really that plausible, because you can always make new friends on a journey. Or you don't really necessarily feel lonely when travelling alone if you're a 闷皮 like me..)? If it is delicious food, what if the fantastic food is too expensive to afford? As for me, being with my good friends on a vacation can not only share the economic burden and feelings but also have a sense of security.

Sharing is a fantastic thing for friends, no matter the feeling or the expenses along the journey. As is quoted,"Friendship multiplies joys and divides griefs." When I visited the seashore (A 'seashore' is actually not a 'beach', technically speaking, although I understand you probably meant 'beaches'..) of Seattle with my good friends years ago, I was so obsessed by the fascinating view that I did not notice that there was a little pit and I had one of my ankles sprained. With my friends' help and humourous jokes, the great pain has been dissolved (1. 'dissolve' in this sense is more often an intransitive verb, so you say 'the pain dissolves' but not 'I dissolved the pain'; 2. so you mean your friends were all you needed to heal an injured ankle, not medical treatment or time..well I can take that.). Another economic benefit (If you say 'another economic benefit', it means what you said before was an economic benefit as well..but it wasn't quite so to me. Or was I missing something you meant to hint at?  Maybe 'since my friends' help healed my ankle, I didn't need to visit a doctor, saving me time and money'?) is that we just need to pay part of some basic expenses in common areas, such as transportation, accommodation and having dinners. When traveling to a historical site, two partners' hiring a tour guide is much more efficient and economical and the money saved can be applied to (You don't 'apply' money to places. You simply 'use' it.) other interesting places. One journey with several versions of feelings (Now this is really beyond me. I simply don't get what this means. You just don't talk about feelings as having 'versions'.) and saved expenses brings me more fun.

As a girl on vacation, what is an essential factor is is security (Why do you insist on making things difficult for your reader with a completely unnecessary wh clause? A normal sentence like 'security is an essential factor' expresses your intended meaning equally well here. The point is, everything you do with your language should contribute to the goal of 'explaining your point better'. If you use a complicated structure without a good reason and it doesn't help to present your point more clearly or convincingly – not to mention that you didn't even use it correctly - then you have what I call 'pomp'. It's not going to impress people. It'll only make your language appear pretentious.). A single girl is vulnerable to robbing of handbags (If you say 'vulnerable to robbing handbags', it literally means the handbags are doing the robbing..), harassment and other frightening things. Therefore, being with friends can have a sense of security and be more likely to try new excited things (The subject of this sentence is 'being with friends', which doesn't quite go with 'have a sense of security' or 'be more likely to try new things', because these quite obviously go with people subjects, e.g. 'I'. Your language tends to have a grammatically correct structure with semantically very Chinese-like phrasing. But even when you think about this in Chinese, 和朋友在一起能有安全感 is rather dubious and obviously ellipsed, because it means 和朋友在一起能有安全感, not that the fact of 和朋友在一起 itself has 安全感..). Suppose I went to my dreaming city--Paris--one day by myself, shall I give up the "movable feast" (Again I don't really understand what this means.) just because of being afraid of the unknown danger? Of course not. Instead, my best friend and I will taste the midnight of Paris without any frightfulness (This means the two of you have no quality of being 'frightful', which means you're not scary – it's different from you're not scared.) together due to each other's company (Personally speaking, if you think two Asians are enough for staying completely safe at midnight in Paris, think again. Especially if you are both girls and have little experience of dealing with drunkards in Europe. Paris might not be the scariest place on earth – compared with many cities in Italy, for example – but it's arguably still quite dangerous. But then again, the awesome stained glass of Sainte-Chapelle alone is worth all the danger Paris might harbour..ah, good memories.). Besides, from my perspective, I used to fall in love with haunted houses but never dared to step into the houses on my own until one day I passed there with a friend and without hesitation, I drew her inside the haunted houses finally (I'm not quite sure if you are talking about an actual house that is said to be haunted, or an entertainment instalment that is themed as a haunted house.). Despite the ups and downs (This means 'alternating periods of good and bad things'. It doesn't mean 此起彼伏, if that's what you're thinking here.) of screams, I enjoyed myself. A friend along the way can bring me a sense of security and encourage me to explore the unrevealed enjoyment.

Granted, good food and good location can contribute to a good trip, but it is a good friend that makes the vacation better via sharing happiness and sorrows, exploring exciting things and creating asense of security.


总结:

论点和例子都不错,语法格外强大啊,但是你的表意是各种诗意朦胧暗喻隐语有木有!而且很多地方我都能直接看出怎么从中文过来的。。议论文不是抒情散文,第一要务是把话说明白,你语言再漂亮,考官读不懂那也是白瞎。。


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发表于 2013-2-25 17:39:40 |只看该作者
mpromanus 发表于 2013-2-25 08:55
Which one do you think is best to contributes to an enjoyable vacation? Good location, good food ...

First of all,I'm a 闷皮,哈哈哈哈~
In terms of "Another economic benefit", it is my logical problem. Please don't doubt your ability of understanding~
"Movable feast"是海明威对巴黎的赞美,称巴黎为“流动的盛宴”,我就想把它当做典故用一用......是不可以吗?还是解释一下会更好咧?
关于对巴黎Personally speaking的那部分既羡慕又感激~
谢谢!

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发表于 2013-2-25 21:22:39 |只看该作者
> "Movable feast"是海明威对巴黎的赞美,称巴黎为“流动的盛宴”,我就想把它当做典故用一用......是不可以吗?还是解释一下会更好咧?

啊。。~海明威的拼写是moveable feast。。巴黎最出名的别名是City of Light所以用比较特别的文字典最好解释一下.g. shall I give up this city that is the 'moveable feast' of Hemingway and not go out at all, just because..

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发表于 2013-2-26 14:56:55 |只看该作者
我又来骚扰了~ 请批改,谢谢大神!
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发表于 2013-2-27 15:49:52 |只看该作者
坚持骚扰,再上一篇,O(∩_∩)O谢谢~
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发表于 2013-2-27 19:44:16 |只看该作者
又写了一篇,保持队形~
O(∩_∩)O谢谢
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