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本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2013-2-25 00:56 编辑
叶子123 发表于 2013-2-23 14:37
请改~O(∩_∩)O谢谢
which one do you think is best to Contribute to a enjoyable vacation ? Good loca ...
Which one do you think is best to contributes to an enjoyable vacation? Good location, good food and good friends with you to travel.
What do you think is the best element for a pleasant journey? If it is good location, then what if you confront the feeling of loneliness after passing the breathtaking scenery (I understand what you want to express but the entire sentence is rather awkward. I'm not going to be too demanding on whether you should use 'confront', which has a very aggressive connotation, or 'passing', which implies that you're eventually going to somewhere without great scenery..the burning question is: why must you feel lonely in a 'good location' with 'breathtaking scenery'? Are you assuming that this must be because you're travelling without friends? I only started to work out how you meant to allude at this until I hit the very end of this paragraph. And this reasoning isn't really that plausible, because you can always make new friends on a journey. Or you don't really necessarily feel lonely when travelling alone if you're a 闷皮 like me..)? If it is delicious food, what if the fantastic food is too expensive to afford? As for me, being with my good friends on a vacation can not only share the economic burden and feelings but also have a sense of security.
Sharing is a fantastic thing for friends, no matter the feeling or the expenses along the journey. As is quoted,"Friendship multiplies joys and divides griefs." When I visited the seashore (A 'seashore' is actually not a 'beach', technically speaking, although I understand you probably meant 'beaches'..) of Seattle with my good friends years ago, I was so obsessed by the fascinating view that I did not notice that there was a little pit and I had one of my ankles sprained. With my friends' help and humourous jokes, the great pain has been dissolved (1. 'dissolve' in this sense is more often an intransitive verb, so you say 'the pain dissolves' but not 'I dissolved the pain'; 2. so you mean your friends were all you needed to heal an injured ankle, not medical treatment or time..well I can take that.). Another economic benefit (If you say 'another economic benefit', it means what you said before was an economic benefit as well..but it wasn't quite so to me. Or was I missing something you meant to hint at? Maybe 'since my friends' help healed my ankle, I didn't need to visit a doctor, saving me time and money'?) is that we just need to pay part of some basic expenses in common areas, such as transportation, accommodation and having dinners. When traveling to a historical site, two partners' hiring a tour guide is much more efficient and economical and the money saved can be applied to (You don't 'apply' money to places. You simply 'use' it.) other interesting places. One journey with several versions of feelings (Now this is really beyond me. I simply don't get what this means. You just don't talk about feelings as having 'versions'.) and saved expenses brings me more fun.
As a girl on vacation, what is an essential factor is is security (Why do you insist on making things difficult for your reader with a completely unnecessary wh clause? A normal sentence like 'security is an essential factor' expresses your intended meaning equally well here. The point is, everything you do with your language should contribute to the goal of 'explaining your point better'. If you use a complicated structure without a good reason and it doesn't help to present your point more clearly or convincingly – not to mention that you didn't even use it correctly - then you have what I call 'pomp'. It's not going to impress people. It'll only make your language appear pretentious.). A single girl is vulnerable to robbing of handbags (If you say 'vulnerable to robbing handbags', it literally means the handbags are doing the robbing..), harassment and other frightening things. Therefore, being with friends can have a sense of security and be more likely to try new excited things (The subject of this sentence is 'being with friends', which doesn't quite go with 'have a sense of security' or 'be more likely to try new things', because these quite obviously go with people subjects, e.g. 'I'. Your language tends to have a grammatically correct structure with semantically very Chinese-like phrasing. But even when you think about this in Chinese, 和朋友在一起能有安全感 is rather dubious and obviously ellipsed, because it means 和朋友在一起我能有安全感, not that the fact of 和朋友在一起 itself has 安全感..). Suppose I went to my dreaming city--Paris--one day by myself, shall I give up the "movable feast" (Again I don't really understand what this means.) just because of being afraid of the unknown danger? Of course not. Instead, my best friend and I will taste the midnight of Paris without any frightfulness (This means the two of you have no quality of being 'frightful', which means you're not scary – it's different from you're not scared.) together due to each other's company (Personally speaking, if you think two Asians are enough for staying completely safe at midnight in Paris, think again. Especially if you are both girls and have little experience of dealing with drunkards in Europe. Paris might not be the scariest place on earth – compared with many cities in Italy, for example – but it's arguably still quite dangerous. But then again, the awesome stained glass of Sainte-Chapelle alone is worth all the danger Paris might harbour..ah, good memories.). Besides, from my perspective, I used to fall in love with haunted houses but never dared to step into the houses on my own until one day I passed there with a friend and without hesitation, I drew her inside the haunted houses finally (I'm not quite sure if you are talking about an actual house that is said to be haunted, or an entertainment instalment that is themed as a haunted house.). Despite the ups and downs (This means 'alternating periods of good and bad things'. It doesn't mean 此起彼伏, if that's what you're thinking here.) of screams, I enjoyed myself. A friend along the way can bring me a sense of security and encourage me to explore the unrevealed enjoyment.
Granted, good food and good location can contribute to a good trip, but it is a good friend that makes the vacation better via sharing happiness and sorrows, exploring exciting things and creating asense of security.
总结:
论点和例子都不错,语法格外强大啊,但是你的表意是各种诗意朦胧暗喻隐语有木有!而且很多地方我都能直接看出怎么从中文过来的。。议论文不是抒情散文,第一要务是把话说明白,你语言再漂亮,考官读不懂那也是白瞎。。
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